Little Recollections
Amethyst.
My first impression of you was- that beautiful jewel named amethyst.
~There's no time for us~
AC 195
"Heero!" Cornflower blue lit up with recognition of my unruly mop of hair and muscular back that was facing her. "Heero, what are you doing here?"
Yes . that was Relena, Vice Foreign Minister Darlian, before she began her ascent to power. I glared at her from under shaggy, dark bangs, somewhat annoyed that she had managed to find me. Was this girl going to dog my every step from now on? Obsessive, she was . but she would soon need that 'quality' in the world of politics.
"Heero?" A tentative note had entered the high, girlish voice, but it was persistent nonetheless.
"Relena ." I purposely made my voice sound interested, half turning to look at her. And she, foolish girl, took it as a good sign and began to babble on about something or other while I surreptitiously pulled my gun free from its holster. Wheeling around with the speed of years of training, I cocked the gun and pointed it at her. Innocent blue eyes widened in surprise and fear as the safety went off with a click.
"Heero ." Hmm . it seemed that our 'conversation' had been mostly just repetitions of our names. Oh well . this annoyingly determined girl had to go. I squeezed the trigger slightly .
And suddenly pain flashed through every nerve of my body as a bullet exploded into my arm from seemingly nowhere. My gun snapped out of my hand reflexively as I fell onto my knees and clutched my wound, glaring around the dock, searching for the source of the bullet. How could I miss another person coming onto the dock?
Then I saw . you . for the first time- and very nearly the last. A black hat pulled low over your face, casting it into dark shadows, yet unable to hide the unbelievably colored, bright and clear amethyst eyes. Black clothing, rolled-up sleeves, showing a white undershirt, a strange collar that had a square-like slit cut in the center, showing another patch of white, pants that looked like riding breeches . black of course, and a pair of black boots. A swish of wind and suddenly a chestnut, shining braid of long, long, hair swung into view behind the slight figure holding the smoking gun with a deadly grin on the pale face.
"Hey, lady, you OK?" A tenor voice, with just a hint of laughter in the tone. Glancing over quickly at Relena, I saw that she was looking . angrily- yes, angrily . at the man- boy- that had just saved her life. I dove for my gun. Two people asking for death now- and I would not fail them. Two more shots broke the silence, this time one shattering into my leg, and the other hitting the gun, effectively knocking it out of reach. A good shot, this mysterious person out of nowhere .
"Persistent, aren't you?" You pointed the gun at me once more, but Relena, of all people, jumped in front of me and told you to leave me alone . crazy girl that she was.
"Stop it!"
Amethyst widened in surprise, then a slender, long-fingered, well-formed hand reached up to tug on the brim of your hat. "Sheesh, how come I always end up playing the bad guy ." It was all I could do not to strike out when Relena bent over me and started to bind my wounds with cloth from her dress. Suddenly, a little beep came from your watch, and you looked at it impatiently. "It's at the surface already? Damn! I must've miscalculated the time." At this precise moment something large broke the water, and even from this distance I could recognize the telltale 'V' on the 'head' of the thing . Wing. A bright light suddenly appeared in your hand, effectively blocking the scene. "Whoa, lady. Don't wanna see what it is, 'cause then I'd hafta kill ya."
How 'this kid' had gotten a hold of it, I didn't know, and I couldn't care less. The only thing that mattered was that my mission had to be accomplished. I jumped onto the torpedoes that I had previously set up, slamming the control panel and releasing the three. "Hey!" A pale-skinned hand reached out and your body turned quickly to see me launching off. The braid whipped around wildly. "No! You idiot!" Was all I heard before I let them fly and jumped off. The last I remember was cold wetness slapping into me, and a viciously treacherous thought- that mystery person was quite lovely .
~There's no place for us~
The story after that is short and simple, and bittersweet in my memory, faded around the edges like an old storybook. He released me from the hospital that I landed in- I don't remember how, it must've been Relena- and I learned his name, Duo Maxwell. Duo Maxwell. Duo . Maxwell. I stole parts from his Gundam- I had been surprised to find that such a cheery, off- the-cuff person could be a Gundam pilot- to fix Wing and left before he awoke. As I took off, I saw the lone, black-clad figure run out to the launchpad, and heard his cry- "Traitor!"
And the funny thing was that I felt . guilt about it.
Duo Maxwell . I don't think he knew- nor would he ever know- how many times I would simply float in zero-g simply whispering his name over and over, calling to mind images of shining chestnut tresses, a lithe body, slender, thief's hands, and of course, those amethyst orbs . those beautiful crystals come to life in a striking face. Relishing the way the syllables rolled off my tongue. Duo Maxwell.
Afterwards, I wouldn't understand why I didn't shoot him when I found him in that OZ prison, barely able to sit up and telling me to do so, yet acting surprised when he found I meant it. He was a weakness. Saving 02 had not even been in my mission statement- I was turning into that Relena girl, obsessively coveting every moment I had with those eyes, that hair, those hands, that body. Even his ceaseless chatter was welcome to my ears, accustomed to too much silence.
Let me just review the details of that meeting .
~What is this thing that builds our dreams~
AC 195
It was a plain metal door, the kind you would expect on a prison cell- and I knew my search was done when I saw the door. Slamming it open, I was surprised to find that no one was there . until I saw the dark figure slumped against the back wall. Duo. Slowly, those amethyst pupils came into view, blinking several times before recognizing me. You stood, using the wall as a support.
"I suppose you're here to kill me." I made no reply, debating whether or not I should pull the trigger of the fully prepped gun in my hand. And wondering why I had to think about killing this person in front of me, hair matted with blood and shirt torn. "Well? What are you waiting for? Kill me then." I pointed the gun at your forehead, mentally calculating if it would be a lethal shot. Suddenly amethyst widened. "You're really going to kill me!" That did it- such strange thoughts flitting through my head that I was too confused to do anything but lower the gun and help you limp out.
I don't know why I helped you then- maybe because those eyes were so surprised and- for just a moment- they were as innocent and pleading as normal fifteen-year-old eyes should be. Maybe because you looked so pitiful all of a sudden, unable to do much more than croak out a few words, so unlike your usual barrage of speech. Maybe because- even if I didn't know it then- I was in love with you.
Either way, we managed to half-stumble, half-run out of the OZ facility and leave in a stolen carrier. You were weak- but after a few cups of water, you managed a normal grin, and I felt a strange emotion- I felt relieved that you were fine enough to grin and chatter away about how the 'Ozzies' were expert torturers and not to worry, though, you hadn't said a thing.
I wondered how you could be so cheery after such a long time in a prison cell being beaten for information. You wondered if I ever spoke. It was then that I realized that I had found someone, that, after all these years, after all I had done, was willing to be my friend. And I was glad.
But I pushed you away- because I wasn't ready to feel yet.
But you were persistent. And I am thankful for it.
~Yet slips away from us~
He never gave up on me, even when I would simply glare at him and answer every statement, sentence, and question with 'Hn' or 'Aa'. Slowly, though, I broke down and let him inside the walls, just a little, bit by bit, and in exchange, he let me understand him a little better.
His past was a broken one- in my opinion, even worse that my war-torn so- called childhood. One day, he confessed that he had a 'Maxwell Curse', or so he called it, that killed everyone he had ever cared for and anyone close to him. I tried to tell him otherwise, and he simply looked at me and smiled. A jaded smile.
After a while, we became completely immersed in the war, kept busy merely trying to stay alive. We didn't even see each other for a long while, and after the final battle, we five all went our different ways.
Then another problem came up, just one year after peace was obtained. And my first reaction was, I admit without much pride, that I would be able to see Duo again. I called him, asking if he would come to help out, and he came, not a thing different, except maybe the clothing- not one inch taller, or one pound wider. Even his braid was the same yard-long whip of hair. I couldn't begin to express how glad I was to see him.
So I didn't.
~Who wants to live forever~
AC 196
I was typing away at my computer, dredging up information about Mariemaia, the potential threat to the peace, when the door to my room slid open with a hiss. I didn't bother to look behind me- I knew it was you, I knew your way of breathing and your way of moving, soundless except for the swish of cloth and hair.
"It's Christmas. Yet there's always somebody stuck working." When I made no reply, you wandered over to my side, propping yourself on an arm and looking at what I had managed to find. "I didn't know Trowa had a niece." You commented.
"So the records say." I replied, careful to sound monotone, careful not to let you know how happy I was to be in your presence again, right down to the scent of your shampoo, some sort of exotic fruits mixed in with a aroma of vanilla. "But the Trowa we know isn't the real Trowa Barton."
"Oh. Right." You said, looking up. "I forgot." Finishing my reading, I shut down the computer and stood, grabbing my jacket and heading for the door. You looked at me. "You going?" You asked, even though you must have known the answer perfectly well.
"Yeah." The door whispered open and I started down the hall, pausing only to toss back, "Relena's been kidnapped." I jogged down the hall, and after a moment you followed, although at a much more easy pace.
We were a good team, both of us falling back into the effortless, familiar rhythm of the way we had worked in the war, you communicating with fellow pilots to make sure they knew what was going on, and me doing the technical work. You chatted pleasantly to Quatre, calm and confident, and still joking. Your steering was wild, but still much more effective and nimble than my own crude suicidal barraging through, the result of training with delicate controls in Deathscythe and Deathscythe Hell and the need for careful maneuvering with the enhanced stealth mode installed on both of your Gundams.
I loved working with you again .
I loved you.
~Who wants to live forever.?~
We won the war. Peace returned, and with it Quatre to his company, Trowa to his circus, and Duo to his scrap yard. Wufei went to work with the Preventers, and I wandered the four corners of the Earth looking for a place to stay and something to do.
It was in one of my more depressed moments that I found myself knocking at the door of his small but neat and comfortable house. Of course, I knew that he was living with Hilde, but I wasn't sure if they were . involved. He opened it, a smile on his face, but the smile quickly dropped when he saw my soaking wet condition.
And I was so glad to see that face again .
~There's no chance for us~
AC 197
It was this one- I was sure of it. I smirked at the wreath of flowers that decked the front door- definitely Hilde's work. The Duo I knew would never have dreamt of putting flowers on your door. The doorbell, however, was definitely you. An intricately carved mass of metal snakes with hissing mouths ringed the dragon's head that hid the button, and to push the button one had to reach in between the wickedly sharp fangs to press the 'pearl' in the mouth. I could hear the bells gonging inside the neat, pale green house, and the white door opened quickly, revealed you, very healthy looking, bathed in the warm golden glow of the light inside.
Amethyst shot to impossible widths and you quickly reached out and yanked me into the house. "Heero! What the hell are you doing out in the rain without an umbrella? If you were planning to visit, you could've at least given a call so I could get Tylenol and cough syrup or something." As you spoke, you shoved me up the stairs and into the bathroom. "Take a hot- hot, remember! Shower and I'll find you some clean clothes." As you shut the door, I could hear you muttering something about wondering about my sanity.
Exiting the bathroom wrapped in a towel, I had a bundle of clothing shoved into my arms and was placed into a room to change. I pulled on a pair of black boxers, black, baggy, pants, and a black shirt. A smile curved my lips- some things never change.
I met Hilde a little while later, when she came home from night classes at the local university. She came into the room, saw you and I engaged in a lively- well, lively on your part, at least- conversation, and grinned. She introduced herself as 'the genius Hilde Schbeiker'. In some ways, you and she were perfectly the same- strange introductions that seemed rather self- important but were really quite factual.
"Yeah, right, whatever, Hilde." You snorted. "You remember Heero, doncha?" She blinked, then her eyes lit up.
"Oh, right! You're that guy!"
I learned later that you and Hilde were now adoptive sister and brother, and that Hilde had a boyfriend that came over for dinner occasionally, during which you would play the overprotective older brother to perfection.
It was one of the most stable times in my life.
I loved living with you two; it was such an easy, undemanding environment, I could have stayed forever. It was the first sense I had of family, and I didn't want to lose it.
But as always, I wanted more.
~It's all been decided for us~
I don't remember when it was when we finally gave up all pretense and simply held each other. I don't remember the date, or the time, or the month- hell, I don't even remember if the sun was shining or not.
But it was a special time for both of us- a little lull in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, kind of like our little island of real peace in the peace.
There were several little moments that just made me feel completely content- I was finally fulfilled and we were happy- just happy, plain happiness, the most golden thing in existence- but this one sticks out in my memory- perhaps because it was so soon before his . leaving, perhaps because it was so true, because all pretense was dropped and all masks taken away.
It was a golden afternoon, filled with sunshine .
And strawberries, his favorite fruit .
~The world has only one sweet moment set aside for us~
AC 198
You had developed a habit of leaning against my shoulder whenever we sat on the couch to watch a movie. It was after one such movie that you began to fidget, constantly shifting against me.
"Your shoulder's all bones." You complained, turning and hitting the offensive shoulder. I tossed a pillow at you.
"Use a pillow." You caught the pillow and pretended to die, falling over and making choking sounds, before twisting around, landing your head in my lap and smiling cheekily at me.
"Found a better one."
I raised an eyebrow and reached across you for a strawberry from the wicker basket full of them, popping one into your mouth. You simply lay there, the strawberry held between your lips, looking up at me with that wide amethyst stare. Suddenly, on an impulse, I leaned over and bit down on the strawberry, relishing the flash of surprise in your eyes and the slight brush of soft lips against mine as I straightened, chewing the morsel of berry that I had bitten off.
You stared at me with a soft, sweet expression that I had never seen on you before. It was strange, and you slowly chewed your part of the red fruit, swallowing before leaning up and kissing me, surprising me as your alabaster arms wound around my neck. Not surprisingly, you tasted like strawberry . it was both of our first times, surprisingly quiet and dignified, a slow, sweet, making love, not just . a physical thing.
When the initial rush was over we lay together on the couch, you pressed tightly but comfortably against me, me holding you as tight as I could, frightened something- anything- would appear and take you away .
"Well ." You whispered against my neck, and looked up at me with a quiet smile. "Well." I nuzzled into your hair, the masses of chestnut that I had always longed to run my hands through, and had finally had the chance to. Your lips pressed briefly against mine, then you snuggled a little more against me, arranging and rearranging yourself until we were both comfortable.
I sighed in pleasure, holding you just a little tighter. "Duo ." You made a vaguely 'hm' sound, on the threshold of sleep. ". aishiteru ." I whispered in my first language, forgetting that you could understand it just as well as I could. And you, fey, beautiful creature, so many different cultures wound into one body that you could only be called American, smiled into my collarbone and replied:
"Me too, Heero ." Your arms encircled my body. "I love you too ."
Hilde was the one who found us, choked, pounded her way upstairs, and shrieked from her room, "MY INNOCENT EYES!! DUO MAXWELL, YOU ARE PAYING FOR WHATEVER MESS YOU MADE!!"
We ended up cleaning up ourselves.
~Who wants to live forever~
It was only a week after that he . oh, I might as well say it- even if I still can't believe it . Death cannot die . can it?
He survived his childhood- he survived the bombs, the gangs, the explosions, he survived the wars, torture- he survived everything.
So naturally it was the simplest thing that would kill him. A drunken idiot in a red Toyota. Barreling down the road at a speed that didn't allow even Duo to get out of the way. And we- those close to him- were left to pick up the pieces and pretend that the insurance was enough to compensate for one we loved .
~Who wants to live forever?~
AC 198
"Dust to dust ."
Black. Black was everywhere the day we left you in the ground and buried our pain along with the casket.
"Ashes to ashes ."
A casket- black of course- black clothing and cloth. Black suits, formal when you hated formalities, the dresses, elegant like you but too classy, even the dirt that we each tossed a handful of into your grave was black. Quatre's words were short and sweet, Trowa's statement quiet, like he was, Wufei's regretful and truthful, and Hilde's soft .
"He was a true friend ."
Voices, images, colors overlapped in my mind, confusing my already muddled mind even more.
"He led a jaded life ."
They spoke of you the way each knew you, differently and yet the same . somehow all had seen behind the mask at least once, each knew you, the broken teenager with the shattered childhood.
". yet he always remained true to himself ."
And yet they knew- they saw the true beauty of your soul, the brilliance of your purity, the splendor and majesty of a spirit that could wing above all the destruction and darkness and remain free .
". a brave warrior and a kind human being ."
We knew who you were- the real you, not the laughing, joking, jester's face- the loving, the hurting, we knew you .
"His memory will live forever ."
We loved you .
". in our hearts ."
We understood you .
". in our minds ."
And we set you free from our pain with the small splatter of earth each sprinkled on the casket- earth, Earth, that planet you loved without reason. If I could have, I would have given you the entire world, space, the sun, the moon, the stars, light itself, to deck your grave, as was fitting .
". in our souls ."
I could no longer tell who was speaking what, only that the words existed .
". and in this way he is truly made Immortal ."
Immortal.
". the way Death is and should be ."
The black rose in my hands trembled as I placed it onto the coffin, the death-box . and then I ran. Away from it all- away from truth- away from death- away from Death-
~Who dares to love forever?~
After that I withdrew into myself, I ignored all attempts from friends to console me- I lived in the past, with ghosts and memories of him- he was everywhere- our bedroom, the kitchen, the living room-
Everything reminded me of him- especially the scent and taste of strawberries- and I astutely refused to swallow any of the small red berries whenever they appeared in front of me. I continued to live in his- Hilde's- house, because it held so many sweet memoirs, and she either didn't want to, or didn't have the heart to turn me out.
Many times I contemplated killing myself- but each time I stopped for whatever reason- and more and more the memories came, every little detail, almost conscious dreaming. Disturbingly lucid dreams.
~When love must die~
AC 195
"Oi, Heero!" Your amethyst eyes popped out from the doorframe. "Hey! C'mon, y' gotta get off that damned laptop of yours and get out! Live a little, wouldja? Life's only so long, and probably shorter for us than most!" When I made no reply, you nearly bounced to my side, rudely grabbing a hand off the keyboard and starting to drag me towards the door, revolving chair and all.
"What the-" My annoyed growl did nothing to deter you from your 'mission' as you kicked the chair out from under me and continued to force me to the dormitory exit, chattering all the way. "Maxwell ." No matter how threatening I tried to sound, you dragged on, undeterred, the feel of your soft, smooth, cool skin against my wrist so .
Anyways.
Once outside, I was plopped without ceremony into a car and driven out to apparently nowhere. And you were fifteen . not licensed to drive . so where'd you get a car? Thief, always, ne?
"So what'd you drag me out here for?" Your face was calm; no weird, idiotic grins plastered across it, pale, delicate- nearly aristocratic- features beautiful in the reddish-orange glow of the setting sun. A vague smile traced across your lips, a ghost of your usual smiles, but still a smile- an appreciative smile, as the violet was brought out even more by the red tints of the sky and the light in your exquisite eyes.
"Just look, Heero . enjoy nature, for once." Your voice was muted, quiet, lost in the splendor of the evening, of the sun setting over the blue, blue ocean, striking the water and painting it into different shades of red, orange, gold, and pink. And violet against the clouds. You had taken us to a cliff, nearly the edge of it, soft green grass carpeting the ground, leaning precariously over the water, fringed with a pine forest, heavily scented, and yet through the air I could still smell your hair . apricots, mango, peach, fig, the scent of the tropics . and vanilla.
We sat for a while, in easy companionship, saying nothing, moving nothing, just watching the sun set against a backdrop of clouds painted with the flame. When the last of ray of gold disappeared into the dark ocean, swallowed as if by a beast, you finally stirred, as if from a trance, and turned to me, offering a tranquil smile, looking almost . sad.
"Well?" You murmured. "What do you think?"
I was speechless- I hadn't known such grandeur existed in this world today, this world of war and destruction- and suddenly I knew what peace was. Peace . was this, this majesty of a simple thing like a sunset, carrying on forever and ever, regardless of what humankind did . if we all killed each other, the sun would still set today and would still rise tomorrow. And I knew that this was worth fighting for- this was worth fighting for, so we could see this beauty . that there was something in this world worth fighting for.
And someone .
"Heero?"
"Hm?"
Your eyes were thoughtful, beautiful, clear. "Have you ever seen a sunrise in space?" When I shook my head no, you tsk-ed and sighed. "One of these days, I'll show you a sunrise in space . Heero, it's the most beautiful thing in the world." I looked at him, and my expression must have shown a bit too clearly my feelings- what makes you think we'll live that long?-, and you looked pained for a moment. "Heero . if I die . I'll still take you to see it." My face was appropriately dubious.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, your face broke into a smile, a strange one, as if, for a moment, you had seen into the future and knew what it held, knew when you would die and when I would follow.
And then, unexpectedly, you hugged me, tightly, surprising me so much I didn't retaliate, didn't have a chance to react before you pulled back, a look in your eyes so . strange. Had I known the meaning of the word then, I would have classified it as tender . "I promise, Heero." Your voice was beautiful- had I not noticed that before?
"I promise."
~But touch my tears with your lips~
I cried, you know . I never cried. But I did. Into the pillow at nights, crying myself to sleep, wracked with memories of strong arms wrapped around me at night. Those were the nights I dreamed .
Disturbingly clear dreams, lucid with a capital L- Lucid Dreams.
Dreams where he came to me and took my face between his slender hands, and kissed my tears away, whispering my name and telling me secrets that I could never remember when I awoke .
~Touch my world with your fingertips~
AC 197
My eyes opened slowly, my memory fogged with cobwebby clouds. What happened? Only flashes of images went through my mind- the battle with Wufei- falling into the ocean- shooting the twin buster rifle- Mariemaia lying in a pool of her own blood- Relena running towards me- and that last little flash of a violet-eyed fairy behind my eyelids, and a familiar tenor voice in my head- "If you die, Heero . I'll kill you!"
As my vision cleared I stared into those same amethyst eyes, looking at me, almost . concerned.
"Hey, Heero ." A smile, a real smile, arcing across those full lips. "How ya feelin'?"
I opened my mouth, found my throat was dry, and immediately had a tumbler of water brought to my lips. The liquid was cold and sweet, albeit slightly metallic tasting, but I had had worse, and I drank gratefully.
"Bruises, two broken ribs, slight memory loss, pain to legs and shoulders, pain to forehead, blood loss, slight dizziness, ninmu ryokai, however, mission successful . how are you holding up?" My voice was dry and cracked even to my ears, but it did my heart good to see you smile again.
"I'm fine, Heero ." A slim hand reached out, trailing two slight digits down the side of my face, sending a stinging pain to my head. I winced without meaning to, and the soft fingers retreated quickly, much to my chagrin. "Scrapes on cheek causing pain ." You murmured, turning to a little nightstand and scribbling something.
Facing me again, you grinned. "We- you- won the war, Heero. Peace."
Peace.
Sunsets with you .
Peace.
~And we can have forever~
We talked, talked well into the night, until he looked at his watch and started, cutting our conversation off with guilty apologies mixed with chastisements about how long I'd been awake when I needed my rest .
We understood each other, him and I . I knew him, the thoughtful, peaceful soul inside, wracked with years of emotional torment, and he knew me, the hurting, lost child within, and the torrent of feelings whirling in a tornado locked away .
And yet we parted, his face smiling even though he was sad to leave the company of his only trusted friends during the war, and me seemingly indifferent although I was totally lost without him there, the light at the end of the tunnel.
And I withdrew into myself even more in those days, weeks, months, after his . his . his . departure. All I wanted was to see him again, to be able to hear him whisper that three-word declaration that could send me into the highest highs of ecstasy. All I wanted was one more chance to tell him the same .
~And we can love forever~
AC 197
There was always something about the way you settled into your seat at the table for dinner that amused me- perhaps it was the way you looked at the food, as if you could hardly wait to start to eat- or in your case, inhale- or perhaps it was the way your sparkling amethyst eyes always looked, like a little child with a Christmas present.
It was a special Christmas that year- exactly one year after the Mariemaia War, that night when the snowflakes fell, heedless of the explosions and the noises, not caring what side won, floating softly downwards. Our meal was slightly poor considering the fact that we were going to Relena's mansion the next day for a New Year's celebration and a celebration of the first year of true peace. You still sat down and ate with relish, cherishing every moment, the way you always did, rolling your eyes at me when Hilde insisted on sitting next to her boyfriend and feeding him bits of fruitcake.
Talk was small- as small as small talk could get, the snow, the weather, what we were planning to wear for the party tomorrow- not a word of the significance of today's holiday. That is, until Hilde turned to you and shot, apparently out of nowhere, "Just what is Christmas based on, anyways?"
A blink of amethyst, a flash of old, old, pain, then a grin. "You don't even know the tale of Christmas?" Hilde glared at him, but you continued on, having had considerable experience with glares in your lifetime. "Have you heard of the Bible?" Hilde knocked him over the head with a fist.
"Of course, numbskull!"
"Well, anyways, Jesus Christ, the Savior, was born on Christmas, in fact, his birthday is Christmas- Christ-mas, get it? And the reason we give gifts at Christmas is because God gave his only son to the world as a gift to save it, but I have no clue where jolly ol' Saint Nick came in ." Your face was thoughtful, your voice speaking the words as if an old, familiar story, a smile pasted on, and yet a slightly hard, bitter light in your usually warm and laughing eyes. "For God so loved the world He gave His only begotten Son, so that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16." Then, as if nothing had happened, you dug into your meal, leaving us not very enlightened.
That night, I passed by your room- we had separate rooms then- and heard a voice sounding pained. Suspicious, I snuck inside, to find you kneeling by your bed, hands folded, head bowed, whispering fervently:
"Forgive us our trespasses as we ."
A prayer? I was startled, and wondered if Christmas held more memories than just one of ending two wars- ending lives? Ending parts of your own life?
"And lead us not into temptation, but ."
I was rather concerned over you, Duo, praying- even though you wore a cross, you never seemed very religious to me, but tonight you had quoted from the Good Book at dinner, after all . I spoke, just to let you know I was here.
"Duo?"
Your amethyst eyes glanced up at me, then you laughed guiltily and clambered up onto the bed, bouncing a few times. "Caught me, huh?"
"Was that a prayer?"
Your eyes darkened a few shades, turning a startling shade of cobalt- amethyst I didn't know you could ever obtain. "Yeah. The Lord's Prayer- the first thing I learned from Father Maxwell and Sister Helen ." You glanced up at me, but I had the strange feeling that you were not looking at me, but through me, to a place somewhere far behind in your memory, sometime in that ragged so-called childhood, a place where you were happy and loved .
"Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name, Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven, give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, for Thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever, Amen."
You knew that little piece of poetry so well, and said it in such a voice that I felt a strange stinging behind my eyes, one that I hadn't felt since . since a long, long, time ago. That beautiful face that should be smiling and happy was unbearably sad, but not just sad, real, true, utter and complete, heartrendingly . broken. And I felt I simply had to say something, anything, to make it smile again.
"Duo ." Your eyes suddenly became clear again, and you looked at me, really looked at me for the first time in ten minutes. "Duo . if you ever need someone to talk to . I promise I'll be there ." It seemed such a poor thing to offer, so pathetically small in the face of the emotion so thickly palpable in the room, but your eyes lit up . exactly like a child with a present that they had truly wanted .
"Thanks, Heero ." Your face was just a little more joyful, but it was enough . I hoped it was enough to clear that night of terrors. You smiled. "I needed that ."
~Forever is our today~
He never really took up on that promise I made, but then again, it wasn't long afterwards that we became . well. Just another little thing made him more human, less Shinigami, God of Death, and more mortal, somehow.
And the dreams came, the memories assaulted, thicker then ever, and I yearned to join him in that realm beyond life .
~Who wants to live forever~
AC 196
The summer was a hot one, the kind that gets into houses and clothing, no matter how air conditioned the place was. At least on Earth it was. It was about three in the morning that you came to my door and rapped on it, a grin gracing your features, dragged me out to a black car, and dragged me out to a familiar cliff that leaned unsteadily over the ocean.
"I showed you the sunset last time but you gotta see the sunrise at least once too, Heero!"
It was beautiful- the first golden finger peeking up over the edge, wavering like your hair in the predawn wind. The water turned from black- blue to a fire-water swirl, and the sky rapidly lightened, varying shades of pink, blue, violet, cream, and gold. Clouds slowly became visible in the sky, and a dawn melody rose in the air from the throats of birds hidden in the trees. Waves lapped the rocky shore below us, and the grass was long and thick, not used to being trodden on. Suddenly, out of nowhere, in the half-risen sun, the shadow of something sleek jumped up out of the water, leaping in a gleeful arc out of the water before disappearing smoothly below the surface.
Your face was full of a childlike wonder, one of the few things that showed you were still only sixteen. "Heero ." You whispered, in tones of awe. "That was a dolphin, Heero . a dolphin ." You turned to me, happiness dancing wildly in those amethyst pools, then suddenly laughed, grabbed my hands and swung me in a clumsy circle, causing both of us to collapse into the soft covering of green. I didn't know why, but I laughed along with you . perhaps just because you were laughing. "A dolphin, Heero, a dolphin!"
I smiled at you.
You smiled at me.
And I knew that your persistence had paid off, because . we were friends .
Friends.
I loved you . but that could wait.
Friends.
~Who wants to live forever?~
I could continue forever about all those little times, those little memories of him. They exist everywhere- space, earth, the couch, heck, even in ice cream sodas. But I won't. I could kill myself in many ways- even now, I'm still an excellent shot.
But there's just one place I know that I won't feel guilt.
You know that strange, temptingly alluring feeling when you stand on the very edge of a cliff? That tiny need to feel what it is like to free fall? Fall through the air, as if you were flying, the wind whipping at your hair? Truly free fall .
~Forever is our today~
It's dark at first, but then suddenly my eyes see again, as if they have just been opened. The first thing I see are those amethyst pools, filled with an intense pain, and automatically I reach out for you.
"Heero ." My hand comes into contact with your cool skin, and I pull you closer into an embrace, loving the feel of your body in my arms again, loving you. "Why, Heero? After you survived everything, why die now, willingly, for me?"
Surprised you needed to ask, I answer, "I love you, Duo . I can't do this thing called life without you . and I never want to be separated from you ."
"I would have waited for you, Heero . you know that, don't you?" Your voice is greatly relieved, despite the words, and your eyes speak volumes. Then you sigh, wrap your arms around me and murmur, "Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant . bears all things, believes all things, endures all things . but now faith, hope and love, abide these three things; but the greatest of these is love . 1 Corinthians 13 is a brilliant chapter, Heero, read it ."
I cut you off with a finger to your lips, and you look at me with those beautiful eyes that entranced me from the moment I saw you, a whimsically sad and yet happy smile on your lips, and you squeeze me tightly, burying your head into my neck.
Delicate, mystical, nearly elfin features, small nose, round cheeks, pointed chin, full, well-shaped lips, fine eyebrows arching over those beautiful, large, amethyst eyes, embedded in a heart-shaped face . jagged chocolate bangs dripping into your eyes and over your forehead, silky, dazzling hair wound neatly into a long, shining braid that even in death smelled of fruit and vanilla . well-shaped body, evenly proportioned . slender, clever, nimble fingers .
Suddenly, you smile impishly, a familiar look, and you take my hand, leading me along in the semi-darkness to a spot of light in the middle of nowhere. Lifting my hand to your lips, you brush against them, gesturing for me to step through: "You first, lover 'o' mine ." I oblige, and see . space in all its glory, stars scattered so far away, mere twinkles of light, and Earth, looking like an oversized blue marble hung there by a deity millions of years ago . two colonies . you appear next to me, that same soft, slightly awed expression on your face again.
"I promised you a long, long time ago that I would show you the most beautiful thing in creation Heero ." You move closer to me, eyes sparkling with true happiness, and point to the Earth, the sun just beginning to peek up over the edge of the planet. "A sunrise in space- a new day- a new beginning- Heero, let's let this be a new beginning for us both."
And as the first brilliant, nearly blinding beam of sunlight sends tentative, then bolder, thrusting fingers over the magnificently blue and white swirls of Earth, I feel your soft lips press against mine .
And know this is true peace, obtained only in death .
And with you .
And I am content .
Truly .
Truly, completely, utterly .
Content .
To be .
With .
You .
~Who waits forever anyway?~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~owari~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~
I saw that song and it just kinda fell in so WELL with this fic I was planning in my head I couldn't help it and wrote yet ANOTHER songfic . k'so! I don't classify myself as specializing in songfiction, but I seem to write a helluva lot've it . but saa . I dunno what the hell that was . kinda half-angsty-half-happy? . I KNOW there was sap . but did it really deserve a PG-13 rating? And now I'm talkin' to myself . meh! I'm weird anyways! Whadja think, minna-san? I saw the song somewhere on a site . I'm not sure who sang it but it DOES NOT belong to me . and, sadly, neither does Gundam Wing even though I own Endless Waltz and watch it about three times a week and practically know it by heart and love it to bits and pieces . *cries* Duo: *is disturbed* sure, sunrises in space are cool . but, uh . I died by being hit by a car? *sweatdrop* Yes. You did. Shut up. Duo: RIghty . Stop insulting me!! Meanie . ANYWAYS . REVIEW, PPL!!! I live on feedback!!! (and this way you can tell me in your special subtle ways that you never want me to EVER attempt to write again .) Flames will be considered constructive criticism and the authoress won't care WHAT they are as long as she gets reviews . so REVIEW so this pathetic little otaku can live!! REVIEW!! REVIEW!! REVIEW!!! Duo: *waves little REVIEW flag rather listlessly in air* whoopie . review .
~~~~~~~~~
Amethyst.
My first impression of you was- that beautiful jewel named amethyst.
~There's no time for us~
AC 195
"Heero!" Cornflower blue lit up with recognition of my unruly mop of hair and muscular back that was facing her. "Heero, what are you doing here?"
Yes . that was Relena, Vice Foreign Minister Darlian, before she began her ascent to power. I glared at her from under shaggy, dark bangs, somewhat annoyed that she had managed to find me. Was this girl going to dog my every step from now on? Obsessive, she was . but she would soon need that 'quality' in the world of politics.
"Heero?" A tentative note had entered the high, girlish voice, but it was persistent nonetheless.
"Relena ." I purposely made my voice sound interested, half turning to look at her. And she, foolish girl, took it as a good sign and began to babble on about something or other while I surreptitiously pulled my gun free from its holster. Wheeling around with the speed of years of training, I cocked the gun and pointed it at her. Innocent blue eyes widened in surprise and fear as the safety went off with a click.
"Heero ." Hmm . it seemed that our 'conversation' had been mostly just repetitions of our names. Oh well . this annoyingly determined girl had to go. I squeezed the trigger slightly .
And suddenly pain flashed through every nerve of my body as a bullet exploded into my arm from seemingly nowhere. My gun snapped out of my hand reflexively as I fell onto my knees and clutched my wound, glaring around the dock, searching for the source of the bullet. How could I miss another person coming onto the dock?
Then I saw . you . for the first time- and very nearly the last. A black hat pulled low over your face, casting it into dark shadows, yet unable to hide the unbelievably colored, bright and clear amethyst eyes. Black clothing, rolled-up sleeves, showing a white undershirt, a strange collar that had a square-like slit cut in the center, showing another patch of white, pants that looked like riding breeches . black of course, and a pair of black boots. A swish of wind and suddenly a chestnut, shining braid of long, long, hair swung into view behind the slight figure holding the smoking gun with a deadly grin on the pale face.
"Hey, lady, you OK?" A tenor voice, with just a hint of laughter in the tone. Glancing over quickly at Relena, I saw that she was looking . angrily- yes, angrily . at the man- boy- that had just saved her life. I dove for my gun. Two people asking for death now- and I would not fail them. Two more shots broke the silence, this time one shattering into my leg, and the other hitting the gun, effectively knocking it out of reach. A good shot, this mysterious person out of nowhere .
"Persistent, aren't you?" You pointed the gun at me once more, but Relena, of all people, jumped in front of me and told you to leave me alone . crazy girl that she was.
"Stop it!"
Amethyst widened in surprise, then a slender, long-fingered, well-formed hand reached up to tug on the brim of your hat. "Sheesh, how come I always end up playing the bad guy ." It was all I could do not to strike out when Relena bent over me and started to bind my wounds with cloth from her dress. Suddenly, a little beep came from your watch, and you looked at it impatiently. "It's at the surface already? Damn! I must've miscalculated the time." At this precise moment something large broke the water, and even from this distance I could recognize the telltale 'V' on the 'head' of the thing . Wing. A bright light suddenly appeared in your hand, effectively blocking the scene. "Whoa, lady. Don't wanna see what it is, 'cause then I'd hafta kill ya."
How 'this kid' had gotten a hold of it, I didn't know, and I couldn't care less. The only thing that mattered was that my mission had to be accomplished. I jumped onto the torpedoes that I had previously set up, slamming the control panel and releasing the three. "Hey!" A pale-skinned hand reached out and your body turned quickly to see me launching off. The braid whipped around wildly. "No! You idiot!" Was all I heard before I let them fly and jumped off. The last I remember was cold wetness slapping into me, and a viciously treacherous thought- that mystery person was quite lovely .
~There's no place for us~
The story after that is short and simple, and bittersweet in my memory, faded around the edges like an old storybook. He released me from the hospital that I landed in- I don't remember how, it must've been Relena- and I learned his name, Duo Maxwell. Duo Maxwell. Duo . Maxwell. I stole parts from his Gundam- I had been surprised to find that such a cheery, off- the-cuff person could be a Gundam pilot- to fix Wing and left before he awoke. As I took off, I saw the lone, black-clad figure run out to the launchpad, and heard his cry- "Traitor!"
And the funny thing was that I felt . guilt about it.
Duo Maxwell . I don't think he knew- nor would he ever know- how many times I would simply float in zero-g simply whispering his name over and over, calling to mind images of shining chestnut tresses, a lithe body, slender, thief's hands, and of course, those amethyst orbs . those beautiful crystals come to life in a striking face. Relishing the way the syllables rolled off my tongue. Duo Maxwell.
Afterwards, I wouldn't understand why I didn't shoot him when I found him in that OZ prison, barely able to sit up and telling me to do so, yet acting surprised when he found I meant it. He was a weakness. Saving 02 had not even been in my mission statement- I was turning into that Relena girl, obsessively coveting every moment I had with those eyes, that hair, those hands, that body. Even his ceaseless chatter was welcome to my ears, accustomed to too much silence.
Let me just review the details of that meeting .
~What is this thing that builds our dreams~
AC 195
It was a plain metal door, the kind you would expect on a prison cell- and I knew my search was done when I saw the door. Slamming it open, I was surprised to find that no one was there . until I saw the dark figure slumped against the back wall. Duo. Slowly, those amethyst pupils came into view, blinking several times before recognizing me. You stood, using the wall as a support.
"I suppose you're here to kill me." I made no reply, debating whether or not I should pull the trigger of the fully prepped gun in my hand. And wondering why I had to think about killing this person in front of me, hair matted with blood and shirt torn. "Well? What are you waiting for? Kill me then." I pointed the gun at your forehead, mentally calculating if it would be a lethal shot. Suddenly amethyst widened. "You're really going to kill me!" That did it- such strange thoughts flitting through my head that I was too confused to do anything but lower the gun and help you limp out.
I don't know why I helped you then- maybe because those eyes were so surprised and- for just a moment- they were as innocent and pleading as normal fifteen-year-old eyes should be. Maybe because you looked so pitiful all of a sudden, unable to do much more than croak out a few words, so unlike your usual barrage of speech. Maybe because- even if I didn't know it then- I was in love with you.
Either way, we managed to half-stumble, half-run out of the OZ facility and leave in a stolen carrier. You were weak- but after a few cups of water, you managed a normal grin, and I felt a strange emotion- I felt relieved that you were fine enough to grin and chatter away about how the 'Ozzies' were expert torturers and not to worry, though, you hadn't said a thing.
I wondered how you could be so cheery after such a long time in a prison cell being beaten for information. You wondered if I ever spoke. It was then that I realized that I had found someone, that, after all these years, after all I had done, was willing to be my friend. And I was glad.
But I pushed you away- because I wasn't ready to feel yet.
But you were persistent. And I am thankful for it.
~Yet slips away from us~
He never gave up on me, even when I would simply glare at him and answer every statement, sentence, and question with 'Hn' or 'Aa'. Slowly, though, I broke down and let him inside the walls, just a little, bit by bit, and in exchange, he let me understand him a little better.
His past was a broken one- in my opinion, even worse that my war-torn so- called childhood. One day, he confessed that he had a 'Maxwell Curse', or so he called it, that killed everyone he had ever cared for and anyone close to him. I tried to tell him otherwise, and he simply looked at me and smiled. A jaded smile.
After a while, we became completely immersed in the war, kept busy merely trying to stay alive. We didn't even see each other for a long while, and after the final battle, we five all went our different ways.
Then another problem came up, just one year after peace was obtained. And my first reaction was, I admit without much pride, that I would be able to see Duo again. I called him, asking if he would come to help out, and he came, not a thing different, except maybe the clothing- not one inch taller, or one pound wider. Even his braid was the same yard-long whip of hair. I couldn't begin to express how glad I was to see him.
So I didn't.
~Who wants to live forever~
AC 196
I was typing away at my computer, dredging up information about Mariemaia, the potential threat to the peace, when the door to my room slid open with a hiss. I didn't bother to look behind me- I knew it was you, I knew your way of breathing and your way of moving, soundless except for the swish of cloth and hair.
"It's Christmas. Yet there's always somebody stuck working." When I made no reply, you wandered over to my side, propping yourself on an arm and looking at what I had managed to find. "I didn't know Trowa had a niece." You commented.
"So the records say." I replied, careful to sound monotone, careful not to let you know how happy I was to be in your presence again, right down to the scent of your shampoo, some sort of exotic fruits mixed in with a aroma of vanilla. "But the Trowa we know isn't the real Trowa Barton."
"Oh. Right." You said, looking up. "I forgot." Finishing my reading, I shut down the computer and stood, grabbing my jacket and heading for the door. You looked at me. "You going?" You asked, even though you must have known the answer perfectly well.
"Yeah." The door whispered open and I started down the hall, pausing only to toss back, "Relena's been kidnapped." I jogged down the hall, and after a moment you followed, although at a much more easy pace.
We were a good team, both of us falling back into the effortless, familiar rhythm of the way we had worked in the war, you communicating with fellow pilots to make sure they knew what was going on, and me doing the technical work. You chatted pleasantly to Quatre, calm and confident, and still joking. Your steering was wild, but still much more effective and nimble than my own crude suicidal barraging through, the result of training with delicate controls in Deathscythe and Deathscythe Hell and the need for careful maneuvering with the enhanced stealth mode installed on both of your Gundams.
I loved working with you again .
I loved you.
~Who wants to live forever.?~
We won the war. Peace returned, and with it Quatre to his company, Trowa to his circus, and Duo to his scrap yard. Wufei went to work with the Preventers, and I wandered the four corners of the Earth looking for a place to stay and something to do.
It was in one of my more depressed moments that I found myself knocking at the door of his small but neat and comfortable house. Of course, I knew that he was living with Hilde, but I wasn't sure if they were . involved. He opened it, a smile on his face, but the smile quickly dropped when he saw my soaking wet condition.
And I was so glad to see that face again .
~There's no chance for us~
AC 197
It was this one- I was sure of it. I smirked at the wreath of flowers that decked the front door- definitely Hilde's work. The Duo I knew would never have dreamt of putting flowers on your door. The doorbell, however, was definitely you. An intricately carved mass of metal snakes with hissing mouths ringed the dragon's head that hid the button, and to push the button one had to reach in between the wickedly sharp fangs to press the 'pearl' in the mouth. I could hear the bells gonging inside the neat, pale green house, and the white door opened quickly, revealed you, very healthy looking, bathed in the warm golden glow of the light inside.
Amethyst shot to impossible widths and you quickly reached out and yanked me into the house. "Heero! What the hell are you doing out in the rain without an umbrella? If you were planning to visit, you could've at least given a call so I could get Tylenol and cough syrup or something." As you spoke, you shoved me up the stairs and into the bathroom. "Take a hot- hot, remember! Shower and I'll find you some clean clothes." As you shut the door, I could hear you muttering something about wondering about my sanity.
Exiting the bathroom wrapped in a towel, I had a bundle of clothing shoved into my arms and was placed into a room to change. I pulled on a pair of black boxers, black, baggy, pants, and a black shirt. A smile curved my lips- some things never change.
I met Hilde a little while later, when she came home from night classes at the local university. She came into the room, saw you and I engaged in a lively- well, lively on your part, at least- conversation, and grinned. She introduced herself as 'the genius Hilde Schbeiker'. In some ways, you and she were perfectly the same- strange introductions that seemed rather self- important but were really quite factual.
"Yeah, right, whatever, Hilde." You snorted. "You remember Heero, doncha?" She blinked, then her eyes lit up.
"Oh, right! You're that guy!"
I learned later that you and Hilde were now adoptive sister and brother, and that Hilde had a boyfriend that came over for dinner occasionally, during which you would play the overprotective older brother to perfection.
It was one of the most stable times in my life.
I loved living with you two; it was such an easy, undemanding environment, I could have stayed forever. It was the first sense I had of family, and I didn't want to lose it.
But as always, I wanted more.
~It's all been decided for us~
I don't remember when it was when we finally gave up all pretense and simply held each other. I don't remember the date, or the time, or the month- hell, I don't even remember if the sun was shining or not.
But it was a special time for both of us- a little lull in the hustle and bustle of everyday life, kind of like our little island of real peace in the peace.
There were several little moments that just made me feel completely content- I was finally fulfilled and we were happy- just happy, plain happiness, the most golden thing in existence- but this one sticks out in my memory- perhaps because it was so soon before his . leaving, perhaps because it was so true, because all pretense was dropped and all masks taken away.
It was a golden afternoon, filled with sunshine .
And strawberries, his favorite fruit .
~The world has only one sweet moment set aside for us~
AC 198
You had developed a habit of leaning against my shoulder whenever we sat on the couch to watch a movie. It was after one such movie that you began to fidget, constantly shifting against me.
"Your shoulder's all bones." You complained, turning and hitting the offensive shoulder. I tossed a pillow at you.
"Use a pillow." You caught the pillow and pretended to die, falling over and making choking sounds, before twisting around, landing your head in my lap and smiling cheekily at me.
"Found a better one."
I raised an eyebrow and reached across you for a strawberry from the wicker basket full of them, popping one into your mouth. You simply lay there, the strawberry held between your lips, looking up at me with that wide amethyst stare. Suddenly, on an impulse, I leaned over and bit down on the strawberry, relishing the flash of surprise in your eyes and the slight brush of soft lips against mine as I straightened, chewing the morsel of berry that I had bitten off.
You stared at me with a soft, sweet expression that I had never seen on you before. It was strange, and you slowly chewed your part of the red fruit, swallowing before leaning up and kissing me, surprising me as your alabaster arms wound around my neck. Not surprisingly, you tasted like strawberry . it was both of our first times, surprisingly quiet and dignified, a slow, sweet, making love, not just . a physical thing.
When the initial rush was over we lay together on the couch, you pressed tightly but comfortably against me, me holding you as tight as I could, frightened something- anything- would appear and take you away .
"Well ." You whispered against my neck, and looked up at me with a quiet smile. "Well." I nuzzled into your hair, the masses of chestnut that I had always longed to run my hands through, and had finally had the chance to. Your lips pressed briefly against mine, then you snuggled a little more against me, arranging and rearranging yourself until we were both comfortable.
I sighed in pleasure, holding you just a little tighter. "Duo ." You made a vaguely 'hm' sound, on the threshold of sleep. ". aishiteru ." I whispered in my first language, forgetting that you could understand it just as well as I could. And you, fey, beautiful creature, so many different cultures wound into one body that you could only be called American, smiled into my collarbone and replied:
"Me too, Heero ." Your arms encircled my body. "I love you too ."
Hilde was the one who found us, choked, pounded her way upstairs, and shrieked from her room, "MY INNOCENT EYES!! DUO MAXWELL, YOU ARE PAYING FOR WHATEVER MESS YOU MADE!!"
We ended up cleaning up ourselves.
~Who wants to live forever~
It was only a week after that he . oh, I might as well say it- even if I still can't believe it . Death cannot die . can it?
He survived his childhood- he survived the bombs, the gangs, the explosions, he survived the wars, torture- he survived everything.
So naturally it was the simplest thing that would kill him. A drunken idiot in a red Toyota. Barreling down the road at a speed that didn't allow even Duo to get out of the way. And we- those close to him- were left to pick up the pieces and pretend that the insurance was enough to compensate for one we loved .
~Who wants to live forever?~
AC 198
"Dust to dust ."
Black. Black was everywhere the day we left you in the ground and buried our pain along with the casket.
"Ashes to ashes ."
A casket- black of course- black clothing and cloth. Black suits, formal when you hated formalities, the dresses, elegant like you but too classy, even the dirt that we each tossed a handful of into your grave was black. Quatre's words were short and sweet, Trowa's statement quiet, like he was, Wufei's regretful and truthful, and Hilde's soft .
"He was a true friend ."
Voices, images, colors overlapped in my mind, confusing my already muddled mind even more.
"He led a jaded life ."
They spoke of you the way each knew you, differently and yet the same . somehow all had seen behind the mask at least once, each knew you, the broken teenager with the shattered childhood.
". yet he always remained true to himself ."
And yet they knew- they saw the true beauty of your soul, the brilliance of your purity, the splendor and majesty of a spirit that could wing above all the destruction and darkness and remain free .
". a brave warrior and a kind human being ."
We knew who you were- the real you, not the laughing, joking, jester's face- the loving, the hurting, we knew you .
"His memory will live forever ."
We loved you .
". in our hearts ."
We understood you .
". in our minds ."
And we set you free from our pain with the small splatter of earth each sprinkled on the casket- earth, Earth, that planet you loved without reason. If I could have, I would have given you the entire world, space, the sun, the moon, the stars, light itself, to deck your grave, as was fitting .
". in our souls ."
I could no longer tell who was speaking what, only that the words existed .
". and in this way he is truly made Immortal ."
Immortal.
". the way Death is and should be ."
The black rose in my hands trembled as I placed it onto the coffin, the death-box . and then I ran. Away from it all- away from truth- away from death- away from Death-
~Who dares to love forever?~
After that I withdrew into myself, I ignored all attempts from friends to console me- I lived in the past, with ghosts and memories of him- he was everywhere- our bedroom, the kitchen, the living room-
Everything reminded me of him- especially the scent and taste of strawberries- and I astutely refused to swallow any of the small red berries whenever they appeared in front of me. I continued to live in his- Hilde's- house, because it held so many sweet memoirs, and she either didn't want to, or didn't have the heart to turn me out.
Many times I contemplated killing myself- but each time I stopped for whatever reason- and more and more the memories came, every little detail, almost conscious dreaming. Disturbingly lucid dreams.
~When love must die~
AC 195
"Oi, Heero!" Your amethyst eyes popped out from the doorframe. "Hey! C'mon, y' gotta get off that damned laptop of yours and get out! Live a little, wouldja? Life's only so long, and probably shorter for us than most!" When I made no reply, you nearly bounced to my side, rudely grabbing a hand off the keyboard and starting to drag me towards the door, revolving chair and all.
"What the-" My annoyed growl did nothing to deter you from your 'mission' as you kicked the chair out from under me and continued to force me to the dormitory exit, chattering all the way. "Maxwell ." No matter how threatening I tried to sound, you dragged on, undeterred, the feel of your soft, smooth, cool skin against my wrist so .
Anyways.
Once outside, I was plopped without ceremony into a car and driven out to apparently nowhere. And you were fifteen . not licensed to drive . so where'd you get a car? Thief, always, ne?
"So what'd you drag me out here for?" Your face was calm; no weird, idiotic grins plastered across it, pale, delicate- nearly aristocratic- features beautiful in the reddish-orange glow of the setting sun. A vague smile traced across your lips, a ghost of your usual smiles, but still a smile- an appreciative smile, as the violet was brought out even more by the red tints of the sky and the light in your exquisite eyes.
"Just look, Heero . enjoy nature, for once." Your voice was muted, quiet, lost in the splendor of the evening, of the sun setting over the blue, blue ocean, striking the water and painting it into different shades of red, orange, gold, and pink. And violet against the clouds. You had taken us to a cliff, nearly the edge of it, soft green grass carpeting the ground, leaning precariously over the water, fringed with a pine forest, heavily scented, and yet through the air I could still smell your hair . apricots, mango, peach, fig, the scent of the tropics . and vanilla.
We sat for a while, in easy companionship, saying nothing, moving nothing, just watching the sun set against a backdrop of clouds painted with the flame. When the last of ray of gold disappeared into the dark ocean, swallowed as if by a beast, you finally stirred, as if from a trance, and turned to me, offering a tranquil smile, looking almost . sad.
"Well?" You murmured. "What do you think?"
I was speechless- I hadn't known such grandeur existed in this world today, this world of war and destruction- and suddenly I knew what peace was. Peace . was this, this majesty of a simple thing like a sunset, carrying on forever and ever, regardless of what humankind did . if we all killed each other, the sun would still set today and would still rise tomorrow. And I knew that this was worth fighting for- this was worth fighting for, so we could see this beauty . that there was something in this world worth fighting for.
And someone .
"Heero?"
"Hm?"
Your eyes were thoughtful, beautiful, clear. "Have you ever seen a sunrise in space?" When I shook my head no, you tsk-ed and sighed. "One of these days, I'll show you a sunrise in space . Heero, it's the most beautiful thing in the world." I looked at him, and my expression must have shown a bit too clearly my feelings- what makes you think we'll live that long?-, and you looked pained for a moment. "Heero . if I die . I'll still take you to see it." My face was appropriately dubious.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, your face broke into a smile, a strange one, as if, for a moment, you had seen into the future and knew what it held, knew when you would die and when I would follow.
And then, unexpectedly, you hugged me, tightly, surprising me so much I didn't retaliate, didn't have a chance to react before you pulled back, a look in your eyes so . strange. Had I known the meaning of the word then, I would have classified it as tender . "I promise, Heero." Your voice was beautiful- had I not noticed that before?
"I promise."
~But touch my tears with your lips~
I cried, you know . I never cried. But I did. Into the pillow at nights, crying myself to sleep, wracked with memories of strong arms wrapped around me at night. Those were the nights I dreamed .
Disturbingly clear dreams, lucid with a capital L- Lucid Dreams.
Dreams where he came to me and took my face between his slender hands, and kissed my tears away, whispering my name and telling me secrets that I could never remember when I awoke .
~Touch my world with your fingertips~
AC 197
My eyes opened slowly, my memory fogged with cobwebby clouds. What happened? Only flashes of images went through my mind- the battle with Wufei- falling into the ocean- shooting the twin buster rifle- Mariemaia lying in a pool of her own blood- Relena running towards me- and that last little flash of a violet-eyed fairy behind my eyelids, and a familiar tenor voice in my head- "If you die, Heero . I'll kill you!"
As my vision cleared I stared into those same amethyst eyes, looking at me, almost . concerned.
"Hey, Heero ." A smile, a real smile, arcing across those full lips. "How ya feelin'?"
I opened my mouth, found my throat was dry, and immediately had a tumbler of water brought to my lips. The liquid was cold and sweet, albeit slightly metallic tasting, but I had had worse, and I drank gratefully.
"Bruises, two broken ribs, slight memory loss, pain to legs and shoulders, pain to forehead, blood loss, slight dizziness, ninmu ryokai, however, mission successful . how are you holding up?" My voice was dry and cracked even to my ears, but it did my heart good to see you smile again.
"I'm fine, Heero ." A slim hand reached out, trailing two slight digits down the side of my face, sending a stinging pain to my head. I winced without meaning to, and the soft fingers retreated quickly, much to my chagrin. "Scrapes on cheek causing pain ." You murmured, turning to a little nightstand and scribbling something.
Facing me again, you grinned. "We- you- won the war, Heero. Peace."
Peace.
Sunsets with you .
Peace.
~And we can have forever~
We talked, talked well into the night, until he looked at his watch and started, cutting our conversation off with guilty apologies mixed with chastisements about how long I'd been awake when I needed my rest .
We understood each other, him and I . I knew him, the thoughtful, peaceful soul inside, wracked with years of emotional torment, and he knew me, the hurting, lost child within, and the torrent of feelings whirling in a tornado locked away .
And yet we parted, his face smiling even though he was sad to leave the company of his only trusted friends during the war, and me seemingly indifferent although I was totally lost without him there, the light at the end of the tunnel.
And I withdrew into myself even more in those days, weeks, months, after his . his . his . departure. All I wanted was to see him again, to be able to hear him whisper that three-word declaration that could send me into the highest highs of ecstasy. All I wanted was one more chance to tell him the same .
~And we can love forever~
AC 197
There was always something about the way you settled into your seat at the table for dinner that amused me- perhaps it was the way you looked at the food, as if you could hardly wait to start to eat- or in your case, inhale- or perhaps it was the way your sparkling amethyst eyes always looked, like a little child with a Christmas present.
It was a special Christmas that year- exactly one year after the Mariemaia War, that night when the snowflakes fell, heedless of the explosions and the noises, not caring what side won, floating softly downwards. Our meal was slightly poor considering the fact that we were going to Relena's mansion the next day for a New Year's celebration and a celebration of the first year of true peace. You still sat down and ate with relish, cherishing every moment, the way you always did, rolling your eyes at me when Hilde insisted on sitting next to her boyfriend and feeding him bits of fruitcake.
Talk was small- as small as small talk could get, the snow, the weather, what we were planning to wear for the party tomorrow- not a word of the significance of today's holiday. That is, until Hilde turned to you and shot, apparently out of nowhere, "Just what is Christmas based on, anyways?"
A blink of amethyst, a flash of old, old, pain, then a grin. "You don't even know the tale of Christmas?" Hilde glared at him, but you continued on, having had considerable experience with glares in your lifetime. "Have you heard of the Bible?" Hilde knocked him over the head with a fist.
"Of course, numbskull!"
"Well, anyways, Jesus Christ, the Savior, was born on Christmas, in fact, his birthday is Christmas- Christ-mas, get it? And the reason we give gifts at Christmas is because God gave his only son to the world as a gift to save it, but I have no clue where jolly ol' Saint Nick came in ." Your face was thoughtful, your voice speaking the words as if an old, familiar story, a smile pasted on, and yet a slightly hard, bitter light in your usually warm and laughing eyes. "For God so loved the world He gave His only begotten Son, so that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16." Then, as if nothing had happened, you dug into your meal, leaving us not very enlightened.
That night, I passed by your room- we had separate rooms then- and heard a voice sounding pained. Suspicious, I snuck inside, to find you kneeling by your bed, hands folded, head bowed, whispering fervently:
"Forgive us our trespasses as we ."
A prayer? I was startled, and wondered if Christmas held more memories than just one of ending two wars- ending lives? Ending parts of your own life?
"And lead us not into temptation, but ."
I was rather concerned over you, Duo, praying- even though you wore a cross, you never seemed very religious to me, but tonight you had quoted from the Good Book at dinner, after all . I spoke, just to let you know I was here.
"Duo?"
Your amethyst eyes glanced up at me, then you laughed guiltily and clambered up onto the bed, bouncing a few times. "Caught me, huh?"
"Was that a prayer?"
Your eyes darkened a few shades, turning a startling shade of cobalt- amethyst I didn't know you could ever obtain. "Yeah. The Lord's Prayer- the first thing I learned from Father Maxwell and Sister Helen ." You glanced up at me, but I had the strange feeling that you were not looking at me, but through me, to a place somewhere far behind in your memory, sometime in that ragged so-called childhood, a place where you were happy and loved .
"Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name, Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven, give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, for Thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory, forever and ever, Amen."
You knew that little piece of poetry so well, and said it in such a voice that I felt a strange stinging behind my eyes, one that I hadn't felt since . since a long, long, time ago. That beautiful face that should be smiling and happy was unbearably sad, but not just sad, real, true, utter and complete, heartrendingly . broken. And I felt I simply had to say something, anything, to make it smile again.
"Duo ." Your eyes suddenly became clear again, and you looked at me, really looked at me for the first time in ten minutes. "Duo . if you ever need someone to talk to . I promise I'll be there ." It seemed such a poor thing to offer, so pathetically small in the face of the emotion so thickly palpable in the room, but your eyes lit up . exactly like a child with a present that they had truly wanted .
"Thanks, Heero ." Your face was just a little more joyful, but it was enough . I hoped it was enough to clear that night of terrors. You smiled. "I needed that ."
~Forever is our today~
He never really took up on that promise I made, but then again, it wasn't long afterwards that we became . well. Just another little thing made him more human, less Shinigami, God of Death, and more mortal, somehow.
And the dreams came, the memories assaulted, thicker then ever, and I yearned to join him in that realm beyond life .
~Who wants to live forever~
AC 196
The summer was a hot one, the kind that gets into houses and clothing, no matter how air conditioned the place was. At least on Earth it was. It was about three in the morning that you came to my door and rapped on it, a grin gracing your features, dragged me out to a black car, and dragged me out to a familiar cliff that leaned unsteadily over the ocean.
"I showed you the sunset last time but you gotta see the sunrise at least once too, Heero!"
It was beautiful- the first golden finger peeking up over the edge, wavering like your hair in the predawn wind. The water turned from black- blue to a fire-water swirl, and the sky rapidly lightened, varying shades of pink, blue, violet, cream, and gold. Clouds slowly became visible in the sky, and a dawn melody rose in the air from the throats of birds hidden in the trees. Waves lapped the rocky shore below us, and the grass was long and thick, not used to being trodden on. Suddenly, out of nowhere, in the half-risen sun, the shadow of something sleek jumped up out of the water, leaping in a gleeful arc out of the water before disappearing smoothly below the surface.
Your face was full of a childlike wonder, one of the few things that showed you were still only sixteen. "Heero ." You whispered, in tones of awe. "That was a dolphin, Heero . a dolphin ." You turned to me, happiness dancing wildly in those amethyst pools, then suddenly laughed, grabbed my hands and swung me in a clumsy circle, causing both of us to collapse into the soft covering of green. I didn't know why, but I laughed along with you . perhaps just because you were laughing. "A dolphin, Heero, a dolphin!"
I smiled at you.
You smiled at me.
And I knew that your persistence had paid off, because . we were friends .
Friends.
I loved you . but that could wait.
Friends.
~Who wants to live forever?~
I could continue forever about all those little times, those little memories of him. They exist everywhere- space, earth, the couch, heck, even in ice cream sodas. But I won't. I could kill myself in many ways- even now, I'm still an excellent shot.
But there's just one place I know that I won't feel guilt.
You know that strange, temptingly alluring feeling when you stand on the very edge of a cliff? That tiny need to feel what it is like to free fall? Fall through the air, as if you were flying, the wind whipping at your hair? Truly free fall .
~Forever is our today~
It's dark at first, but then suddenly my eyes see again, as if they have just been opened. The first thing I see are those amethyst pools, filled with an intense pain, and automatically I reach out for you.
"Heero ." My hand comes into contact with your cool skin, and I pull you closer into an embrace, loving the feel of your body in my arms again, loving you. "Why, Heero? After you survived everything, why die now, willingly, for me?"
Surprised you needed to ask, I answer, "I love you, Duo . I can't do this thing called life without you . and I never want to be separated from you ."
"I would have waited for you, Heero . you know that, don't you?" Your voice is greatly relieved, despite the words, and your eyes speak volumes. Then you sigh, wrap your arms around me and murmur, "Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant . bears all things, believes all things, endures all things . but now faith, hope and love, abide these three things; but the greatest of these is love . 1 Corinthians 13 is a brilliant chapter, Heero, read it ."
I cut you off with a finger to your lips, and you look at me with those beautiful eyes that entranced me from the moment I saw you, a whimsically sad and yet happy smile on your lips, and you squeeze me tightly, burying your head into my neck.
Delicate, mystical, nearly elfin features, small nose, round cheeks, pointed chin, full, well-shaped lips, fine eyebrows arching over those beautiful, large, amethyst eyes, embedded in a heart-shaped face . jagged chocolate bangs dripping into your eyes and over your forehead, silky, dazzling hair wound neatly into a long, shining braid that even in death smelled of fruit and vanilla . well-shaped body, evenly proportioned . slender, clever, nimble fingers .
Suddenly, you smile impishly, a familiar look, and you take my hand, leading me along in the semi-darkness to a spot of light in the middle of nowhere. Lifting my hand to your lips, you brush against them, gesturing for me to step through: "You first, lover 'o' mine ." I oblige, and see . space in all its glory, stars scattered so far away, mere twinkles of light, and Earth, looking like an oversized blue marble hung there by a deity millions of years ago . two colonies . you appear next to me, that same soft, slightly awed expression on your face again.
"I promised you a long, long time ago that I would show you the most beautiful thing in creation Heero ." You move closer to me, eyes sparkling with true happiness, and point to the Earth, the sun just beginning to peek up over the edge of the planet. "A sunrise in space- a new day- a new beginning- Heero, let's let this be a new beginning for us both."
And as the first brilliant, nearly blinding beam of sunlight sends tentative, then bolder, thrusting fingers over the magnificently blue and white swirls of Earth, I feel your soft lips press against mine .
And know this is true peace, obtained only in death .
And with you .
And I am content .
Truly .
Truly, completely, utterly .
Content .
To be .
With .
You .
~Who waits forever anyway?~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~owari~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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I saw that song and it just kinda fell in so WELL with this fic I was planning in my head I couldn't help it and wrote yet ANOTHER songfic . k'so! I don't classify myself as specializing in songfiction, but I seem to write a helluva lot've it . but saa . I dunno what the hell that was . kinda half-angsty-half-happy? . I KNOW there was sap . but did it really deserve a PG-13 rating? And now I'm talkin' to myself . meh! I'm weird anyways! Whadja think, minna-san? I saw the song somewhere on a site . I'm not sure who sang it but it DOES NOT belong to me . and, sadly, neither does Gundam Wing even though I own Endless Waltz and watch it about three times a week and practically know it by heart and love it to bits and pieces . *cries* Duo: *is disturbed* sure, sunrises in space are cool . but, uh . I died by being hit by a car? *sweatdrop* Yes. You did. Shut up. Duo: RIghty . Stop insulting me!! Meanie . ANYWAYS . REVIEW, PPL!!! I live on feedback!!! (and this way you can tell me in your special subtle ways that you never want me to EVER attempt to write again .) Flames will be considered constructive criticism and the authoress won't care WHAT they are as long as she gets reviews . so REVIEW so this pathetic little otaku can live!! REVIEW!! REVIEW!! REVIEW!!! Duo: *waves little REVIEW flag rather listlessly in air* whoopie . review .
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