Liar
I squeeze my eyes shut as tightly as I can, but it doesn't seem to help. Tsubaki told me that if I just lie still and close my eyes then I'll be able to get to sleep easily but that doesn't seem to be the case. No matter how tightly I close my eyes, it seems like they're not shut at all.
I'm not sure how I'm meant to cope with a situation like this. It's the night before christmas, they've told me. I'm not sure what's so good about Christmas but Maka seems excited. It seems to have a lot of group activities anyway, activities that ran late into the night, that's the problem.
I'm lying on Maka's couch. Beside me, on the floor, BlackStar is snoring. I can hear him, I didn't know it was possible for a guy to make so much noise in his sleep. In the dim light I can see him sprawled on his back, mouth hanging open, the sheet that he was leant pushed down. Tsubaki is curled up against his side, sleeping too. There's a little smile on her face so I wonder if she'd having a nice dream. If she is then she deserves it. Kid is lying on the arm chair, slumped over in a funny way. His face keeps twitching in his sleep. For a while I thought that he might be awake too but that I realised it's just his way. I can't see Liz and Patty, they're on the floor out of my sight, but I can hear Liz mumbling something about makeup and Patty making a strange kind of giggling snore.
I can't sleep.
It's not just the noise of so many people, though I knew that would be a problem, it's the lights. I'm not sure why, nobody seems to know, but Christmas means you have to have a tree in your living room. A big tree with lights and a star on top. Putting up the tree was fun, though Kid nearly had a heart attack trying to make it symmetrical and BlackStar nearly made it fall over when he tried to climb it to put the star on top.
I just don't know why we need it. I mean, it's pretty, but a lot of things are pretty and we don't need them for specific days. Still, the tree is there, coving the room in a soft blue light.
Then there's the smell. The smell of dinner. Apparently, for Christmas, you need to eat a really big dinner. There has to be turkey and roast vegetables and Christmas pudding which is a fruit cake that you can hide money in. I'm not sure if it's a good idea to hide money in a cake. I don't think I'd know how to cope if I found money in my cake. This dinner is so big that you have to start making is the day before so that it'll all be ready in time, so the entire house smells of roast turkey.
I don't know how to cope with any of these things. I can't cope with the people lying around me, I can't cope with lights from the tree and I can't cope with the smell of Christmas dinner.
But the thing I can't cope with most is Santa Clause.
I never knew about Santa Clause before now so I guess I was always bad. I've heard a lot over the last few weeks. He's a man, a giant man dressed in red, who watches you all the time, all year. Every day. He had a massive book where he writes down everything that you do and then he makes a list and writes down if you're naughty or nice. Maka showed me a film about him where some people didn't believe he was real until a lawyer proved it. He seemed like a nice old man in that but I don't think a guy who watches you every day of the year and ten judges you can be nice. I've not been so good this year, not until Maka found me, so he probably won't leave me anything. The thing is, though, that he's meant to come down the chimney tonight and leave gifts. I don't know how to cope with a guy coming down the chimney! What if I'm still awake and he gets angry at me? What if I do something wrong and he decides not to leave anyone gifts.
I told Ragnarok but he called me an idiot and hit me so I don't dare talk to anyone else. I know that when Ragnarok says I'm being an idiot he isn't always telling the truth but...still...
Nobody else seems worried and that makes me feel like an idiot. Still, I can't help but be a little scared. They've all be brought up with this strange tradition so they're used to it...but not me. I haven't.
BlackStar makes a particularly loud yawn and I jump a little, clutching my borrowed blanket to my chest. I can't cope with staying here...maybe I should leave. I don't want to go home, the reason that we're all sleeping here is that it acidentally got too late to go home...so where else can I go?
I could go to Maka's room.
Maka.
I want to go to Maka. I know I won't have to worry about some scary guy coming down the chimney and telling me that I'm evil and don't belong here if Maka is with me because Maka believes in me so she'd tell him he was wrong and to go away...but what if Maka things I'm an idiot, what if she turns me away at the door.
If she did turn me away I'd know why. I mean, it's not like it's a big deal. We've kissed a little, in my room when Ragnarok has been inside me so Maka feels like he isn't watching. She's warm and soft and it feels so good, but she says I shouldn't tell anyone else, not yet. She says she's worried about what people will think and say about me if they find out. I don't care what they think about me but I do care what the think about Maka so, for now, no touching.
That means I shouldn't go to her room.
But I'm so scared, and I want to go so much. Surely, going once won't hurt anyone. Just one time, just to see that everything is ok, then I'll come back and sleep on the couch.
I know I shouldn't but I want too so much, so I slide out from under the covers, step over BlackStar and slide past Kid, then sneak through the partially open door and head towards Maka's room.
Maka's door is left slightly open. I freeze when I see it. I don't know how to cope with a door that's slightly open! Am I meant to just walk in? Should I knock? Was she expecting me or is she waiting for someone else and she'll be angry to see me? All of them seem likely, I'm not sure what to do. I look at the door and it's like I can't move, I'm frozen in place by the tiny crack.
Then the door opens and I jump, clutching at myself. Maka is stood in the door, wearing her pyjamas and looking sleepy, but she smiles at me and I relax a little, even if she didn't expect to see me she isn't angry to see me.
"Come in," she says, stepping aside. I nod, then follow her into her room. She shuts the door behind me, closing the gap, then slips into bed. I pause for a second but don't have time to really start panicking before she gestures for me to follow her, pulling the covers down so I can slip under the sheets.
Once I'm in bed with her and wraps her arms around me and I settle in against her chest. It's nice, lying there. She hums contentedly in my hair and runs her hands up and down me back and I feel like I'm melting in her arm, but she doesn't seem to mind. This is the kind of thing I can cope with and I'd be happy just to lie here but she'd talking to me.
"I couldn't sleep, I'm too excited. Is that why you're still awake?"
I want to say yes, I really do. It would be easier to just agree with Maka then fall asleep here in her arms where I'm safe, but somehow that can't happen. I can't make myself say the lie, the silence drags.
"Something else," she says, her voice soft, thoughtful. I really wish I could have said yes, I've become a mystery to her now. I hate when I'm a mystery she tries to solve. "You can tell me, you know. Anything you want..."
"I should go back to the sofa," I whisper, though I don't make any move to leave, I like lying here far too much.
"It's ok to just tell me," she says, her warm arms making sure I can't leave. "Anything at all..."
"It's Santa," I whisper finally, blushing a lot. "I mean, I don't understand. People keep talking about him but I don't understand how something like that is allowed and I don't know how to cope with a man who is always judging me!" It seems that once I start speaking I can't stop any more and all the words fall out of my mouth. Maka is silent for a moment, stroking my hair, then she speaks softly.
"Crona, you know Santa isn't real, don't you?"
"You mean it's a lie?" I ask, sitting up. I can't see her face clearly in the dark but I know she's looking at me, staring at my face. A part of my says that I should be embarrassed for believing it, but how could I know it's a lie, stranger things happen every day.
"Not a lie...but really...I mean, I never though that you wouldn't know. I'm sorry, Crona, sometimes I forget. I mean, everyone knows. It's just something you tell small children."
"But why is it ok to lie to small children?" I ask, not quite believing it. I'd been told that being good was about telling the truth but they're all just liars like Medusa-sama!
"It's not but, I mean..." Maka stops, unable to answer my question. I feel a little cold inside, even though the sheets are still pooled around me. I briefly wonder if I'd be able to get out of the house before Maka could stop me if I stood up and started to walk away, but I know running isn't the right way to deal with this, there has to be a logical reason why these people who I trust would lie.
Maka seems to understand what I'm thinking because she grabs my arm, then tugs at it until I lie down again, but I lie away and don't let her hug me, it's too serious for that.
"Why do you lie?"
"It's like this," she says, softly. "When you're little, Christmas is like a magical time. It's a special time and, for kids, believing in Santa makes it more magical and special. I remember believing in Santa and how happy it made me..."
"But didn't you feel sad when you found out that it was a lie?" I ask, pushing her hands away as she moves them towards me.
"A little," she admits. "But, at the same time, I worked out Santa was real for myself so I wasn't surprised, and everyone else had the same experience. I guess I never thought about it until now..."
"Even if it's a lie everyone tell, it's still a lie," I persist. "Only evil people lie."
"That's not true," she says quickly, reaching out to take my hand again but I pull to back quickly. "It's...Crona, a lot of people lie. They do it for a lot of different reasons, and sometimes lying is the right thing to do. Maybe not this time, I never though about it before...but sometimes. Like, if BlackStar was injured and we thought he might die, we'd lie to Tsubaki and say we know he'll survive because he's so tough so we can be strong for her!"
"That's not good, though," I say, twisting the blankets in my hand. "What makes that any better then my lying to you when you ask me if I've heard from Medusa or something?"
There's a long silence. Now my eyes have got used to the dark I can just about make Maka out, though I still can't see the details of her face. She's lying on her back and staring at the ceiling.
"I think the difference," she says, finally. "Is that it's ok to lie if you're doing it to help someone...to make things better for them. If you're doing it and it will hurt someone, that's a bad lie..."
"But how can you know?" I ask. "I mean, say you told that lie to Tsubaki, and she believed you, then BlackStar died and she didn't get to spend what little time she had left with him or to say goodbye to him properly?"
She's quiet again, so quiet it's a little scary. Slowly I reach my hand out across the covers and wrap my fingers around hers. She squeezes my hand, then rolls onto her side to look at me.
"I guess you're right," she says, softly. "I'm sorry, I'll not lie to you again, I swear that now. Not even if I think it's for you own good. Is that ok?"
I nod, then she wraps me in her arms again and I lean against her, letting myself sink back into the touch. Part of me keeps thinking that it must be a lie when she says she won't lie, but I want to believe her. The argument has made me tired and all I want to do it lie in her arms and sleep and believe in her, for now anyway.
The next morning our stockings are full, all the presents are clearly labelled with who gave us them and I'm glad. Soul hangs a piece of mistletoe from the door, nobody can explain that custom either but when you're under it you need to kiss. I get more kisses on my cheek that day then I ever imagined I'd get ever. It seems I run into everyone at least once other then Maka. When he finally meet there, as the night is winding down and people are lying around in the living room, I offer her my cheek and instead she leans over and presses her lips to mine, giving me one of those lovely, soft kisses she likes to give me when we're alone, only now the entire room is watching. As she pulls away from me she whispers three words in my ear, "no more lies", and I don't know why but I suddenly start to cry.