October 2007

Plum Short Challenge
Title: Crime and Punishment
Author: Haleigh
Rating: PG-13/T
Disclaimer: The world of Stephanie Plum belongs to JE, all participants at this site are here for fun only.

…

Lester was in a state. Was it the left arm or right that indicated a heart attack? Aspirin, he thought. He was supposed to take Aspirin.

"Are you listening to me?" Ranger said.

"Aspirin," he mumbled.

Ranger raised one eyebrow.

Lester rubbed his left shoulder and sank down into the chair in front of Ranger's desk. "I think I'm having a heart attack."

Ranger didn't blink. "Don't think that will get you out of this."

"I'll do anything, man. I mean anything. But not this. Please, man."

Stephanie, sitting in the other guest chair, started humming Meatloaf's 'I would do anything for love.'

Lester glared at her before turning back to Ranger. "Seriously, Boss. This is not in my contract."

"No, but according to your contract, disciplinary actions are left to my discretion."

Lester flung himself back in the chair with a huge sigh. "I would do anything else—"

He stopped abruptly when Steph started singing, "But I won't do that. No, I won't do that."

"You're not helping," he said to her.

"You got yourself into this mess, Lester. Don't expect me to feel sorry for you now."

Lester took a deep breath, swallowed a sarcastic retort, and turned back to Ranger. "Can't you just beat me up like you usually do?"

"I think this punishment will have a more lasting impact than a few bruises will."

Lester groaned. "Does RangeMan insurance include post-traumatic psychotherapy? Because I may need it."

"I'll have someone on call," Ranger said without cracking a smile.

Lester sighed again and stood. He had it coming, and he knew it. He just hadn't thought that this would be his punishment.

"When do I have to do this?" Lester said.

"Tomorrow. You'll pick up the client at 0900, give her a tour of the RangeMan facilities, introduce her to all employees, let her ride along on any assignments you receive, and let her assist on any captures."

"She's going to assist?" Lester said. There was that damn pain in his arm again. He rubbed his shoulder.

"Yes," Ranger said. "She gets to assist."

Lester gave a dejected nod and turned toward the door. Stephanie spoke up just as he opened it.

"Oh and Lester, if you were going to go to all this trouble to see me naked, you really should have taken a picture."

He shouldn't say it. He knew it, knew that Ranger was listening. But he couldn't help it. He winked at Steph. "Don't worry doll, I have a photographic memory."

"Santos," Ranger growled.

Lester held up his hands in mock surrender. "I'm going, Boss. 0900 tomorrow."

…

"You sure I can't kick his ass?" Ranger said as soon as Lester closed the door behind him.

Steph grinned. "Believe me. This will be way worse."

"I still don't understand what happened," Ranger said.

"I thought it was you. It was definitely your voice, yelling for me to come out, right now."

He closed his eyes and leaned back in his chair, trying to figure out how in the world Lester had managed it. Understanding dawned: "Lester's been walking around here for weeks with one of those little digital voice recorders."

"But when would he ever have been able to record you demanding me to get out of the shower?"

"He didn't. He just recorded everything I said and used software to piece it back together."

Steph's eyes narrowed. "Ohhh, so he was planning this for a long time." She tilted her head to the side and thought for a second. "Well, you have to give him props for ingenuity. And it's kind of flattering, really."

"Flattering?"

"Yeah. He must have really wanted to see me wet and naked if he was willing to go to that much trouble."

Ranger stared at her.

"Well," she said. "I don't mean that I would encourage it. It's just flattering to know that someone wants to see you naked."

Ranger stood and came around the desk until he was standing directly in front of Steph. "If it helps, I always want to see you wet and naked."

He wanted to groan when Steph's tongue darted out to lick her lips. But he kept his face impassive.

"Yeah," she said. "But that just leads to all sorts of complications that my life just can't handle right now."

He leaned down to kiss her, just to remind her again of what she was missing out on. Not that either of them could ever forget. When he let go of her, her face was flushed and her eyes were midnight blue and glazed over.

"Let me know when you uncomplicate it," he said.

"Uh huh. Sure. No problem."

A knock sounded on the door and Tank stuck his head in. "You serious about this punishment for Lester?"

Ranger nodded.

"Man," Tank said. "None of the rest of us got to see the Bombshell naked. You're punishing all of us with this."

Steph rolled her eyes. "You all are a bunch of big babies, you know that?" She pushed past Tank, out the door.

Tank turned to Ranger with his mouth agape. "Did she just call me a baby?"

Ranger slapped him on the back. "Sure did."

…

At nine am on the dot, Lester pulled up in front of the house. He studied the plain row house for a moment before turning off the car. If he survived this day, he was going to get smashing drunk tonight.

Of course, survival was not guaranteed. In fact, it was highly questionable.

After one more deep breath, he climbed out of the truck and with absolutely no enthusiasm at all, shuffled up the walk.

Halfway there, the door flew open and the client tumbled down the front steps. "Hello, Lester," she said. "Right on time. This is just so exciting."

Exciting, my ass, Lester thought. He tried to smile, but it probably looked more like the grimace of a man in the throes of death.

"Hello, Mrs. Mazur," he said. "How are you today?"

"Oh, I'm just fine. I'm so excited. I'm going to have so much to tell all the girls at the beauty parlor. And call me Edna. We'll be getting to know each other real well today."

She brazenly studied Lester's crotch, chomped her dentures twice, and winked.

Lester could feel the acid in his stomach trying to bubble up his esophagus. This was sexual harassment. There were laws against this sort of thing! But then again, there were laws against tricking the Bombshell into running out of the shower naked too. The irony was not lost on Lester.

In fact, the whole punishment had the Bombshell's name written all over it. Ranger didn't have enough of a sense of humor.

"You ready to go?" Edna said. "That other bounty hunter – Ranger, was that his name? – said I was going to get a tour. I can't wait to get in the same building with all these big, hot men. This is gonna be better than an open-casket funeral."

Lester couldn't control the shudder that ripped through his body. "Yes, ma'am," he mumbled. "Are you all ready?"

Her head frantically bobbed up and down. "Yep. I'm all ready. Do I look like a bounty hunter's assistant?"

She spun a little circle so he could get the full effect.

Lester really wished she hadn't.

She was in black, head to toe, which was good. But the top was spandex, and showed off what should have been cleavage. On someone Mrs. Mazur's age, it just showed off protruding bones and sagging flesh. The pants were, unfortunately, leather. The one concession to her age was the black tennis shoes. "So I can chase the bad guys," she said.

Lester sighed. It was going to be a very long day.

…

When the elevator opened on the control room floor, they were met with dead silence. Every RangeMan employee had his head down, his eyes glued to their monitors, and his mouth shut. Traitors.

"This way, Mrs. Mazur," Lester said. He pointed toward Ranger's office where he knew he would find Stephanie.

He knocked once, opened the door, and ushered Edna inside. He jumped when he felt a sharp pinch on his ass. His eyes flew to Edna, who gave him a Cheshire cat grin. She winked and then the 80-something year old woman sashayed – sashayed! – into Ranger's office.

Lester stood in the doorway, blinking furiously, trying to clear the image of that baggy, leather-clad rear end swaying past him. He dimly heard Steph greeting her grandmother, and Ranger's amused voice welcoming her to the RangeMan headquarters.

Lester rubbed his ass, ignoring the chuckles he could now hear coming from around the control room, before stepping into Ranger's office and closing the door behind him.

"Now Mrs. Mazur," Ranger way saying, "I do need to hold any weapons you might have on you for the day."

"Weapons?" She smiled. "Why would I have any weapons?"

Steph rolled her eyes and grabbed her grandma's purse from the couch. She opened it up and pulled out a Colt .45.

"That little old thing?" Edna said. "That's barely a weapon."

Ranger raised an eyebrow as Stephanie heaved the gun onto his desk. "I don't even know how you aim a gun that big," she said.

"Aim?" Edna said.

Lester groaned and sank onto the couch.

Steph kept digging in her grandma's purse. "Pepper spray," she said as she dropped it on Ranger's desk. "Cuffs. Brass Knuckles?"

Everyone stared at Edna as Steph held up the brass knuckles.

She shrugged. "All the kids are carrying them these days."

Ranger looked up at Lester, clearly struggling to contain his amusement. "Well all right then. I think that covers it. You ready, Santos?"

Lester inched himself up into a standing position. With a last desperate pleading look at both Ranger and Stephanie, said, "Are you ready for your tour, Edna?"

She rubbed her hands together and cackled. "Oh yes. I can't wait to meet all this hot man flesh."

Lester looked around for support, but all he got was wide grins from both Stephanie and Ranger. He opened the door and motioned for Edna. This time, he kept his ass cheeks out of the line of fire.

…

Lester winked at Connie and showed off his best smile. She flushed and handed him the stack of RangeMan files.

He turned to check on Edna, who was comparing outfits with Lula. He had learned fast that Edna was worse than a two year old. He couldn't turn his back for a second.

"Can I grab Steph's files too?" he said to Connie. He added another smile, hoping it would distract her from asking any questions.

Connie nodded and handed over that stack as well.

With one more wink, Lester grabbed Edna's arm – it had taken him two more ass pinches and one crotch grab for him to realize that he had to immobilize her arm while walking – and led her out to the truck.

He flipped through Steph's files first. He had every intention of only going after those skips today. Not that anyone else needed to know that. The less risky the skip, the less chance of Edna causing a scene.

Or so he thought in his ignorant bliss.

They pulled up in front of the home of Eddie Brutowski's – a rundown row house in a whole string rundown row houses.

"Alright," Lester said to Edna. "Mr. Brutowski had been charged with a DUI, and has skipped bond. It's his first offense. There's no reason to think he's armed, so this should be simple and straightforward."

Edna nodded and smiled.

"We'll go up to the house. You stand on the left side of the front door. You can follow me inside, but make sure you stay behind me, okay?"

Her smile widened at the word 'behind.'

Lester clenched his ass tighter. "God help me."

He climbed out of the car, and Edna dutifully followed him to the front door. Lester banged his fist. "Eddie Brutowski," he yelled.

A grizzly, middle-age man open the door and squinted at them. "Whatdya want?"

Before Lester could blink, Edna jumped around him, pulled a gun, and pointed it at Brutowski's beer belly.

"Freeze motherfu—"

"Edna!" Lester yelled. He grabbed the gun – where had it even come from? – and shoved it in the back of his jeans. "I'm sorry, Mr. Brutowski."

Mr. Brutowski, having been shaken from his half drunk stupor, was holding his hands up in surrender. His eyes were darting back and forth between Lester and Edna.

"I don't got much, but just take it man," he said. "This chicky's crazy."

Edna grinned at Lester and elbowed him in the ribs. "You hear that? He just called me a chicky! I haven't been called a chicky since I was seventy." She turned back to the skip. "You sure know how to flatter a lady. And you look young enough to still have all your parts working." She licked her lips and looked Brutowski up and down.

Brutowski took a step backwards, his hands still raised, and locked eyes with Lester. "Who the hell are you guys?"

"Bond Enforcement," Lester said. "You missed your court date. We need to reprocess you."

Brutowski stared at them, wide eyed, for a second. Then he turned and ran.

Lester groaned and took off after him, through the small house. It was a standard row house, with a back door in the kitchen, leading to a small back yard. Lester caught up with Brutowski on the back porch and had him tackled to the ground three steps into the yard.

By the time Edna made it out the back door, Lester had the skip cuffed and back on his feet.

"Wow," she said. "You're way better than Stephanie. She usually has to chase them around the block at least once."

"I'm also faster than Stephanie," he said. "But I'd still rather have her as a partner," he mumbled to himself.

He shoved the skip forward, toward the gate in the yard. "Edna, can you lock up the house while I load Mr. Brutowski into the car?"

"One locked house, coming right up," she chirped.

"For the love of god," Lester said, under his breath.

"So who's the crazy?" Brutowski said as they walked toward the car.

"Right now," Lester said, "she's both our worst nightmares. Just try to make it through this in one piece."

He opened the back door to the SUV for Brutowski, got the cuffs secured to the floor bolts, and turned around to look for Edna.

"Christ," Lester said when he couldn't find her. "How hard is it to lock a door?"

He marched toward the house and was half way up the walk before he saw the first flames licking at the living room curtains.

He cursed under his breath. He flung open the front door, and found Edna in the living room, looking around. Grabbing her arm, he yanked her out the door, into the yard. He pulled the cell phone off its clip on his belt and tossed it to her.

"Call the fire department," he said as he dashed back inside.

But the fire had started in the kitchen before spreading to the living room, and in a house that old, there was no way to put it out now. Once glance at the carpet being eaten up by the fire and Lester knew that it had been installed long before they made fire-retardant standards.

He whipped off his shirt and used it to cover his mouth and nose. He stuck his head out the door.

"Anyone else inside?" he yelled to Brutowski.

Brutowski, who was still shackled inside the SUV shook his head. He was staring at the flaming house with his mouth hanging open.

Lester looked down the street each direction. There were six connected row houses, and Brutowski's was in the middle. Perfect.

He headed for the houses immediately connected to Brutowski's first, and started banging on doors. Within the row, he found a housewife with two toddlers, a retired old geezer, and a crack dealer, none of whom were thrilled to be rousted out of their houses, fire or not.

He retuned to the SUV, just as the first fire truck arrived.

Edna was sitting in the front passenger seat, eating a bag of chips, watching the fire. Silently, she held out the bag to Lester.

"Care to explain?" he said, taking a chip. It had been a hell of day, after all.

Edna looked up him with wide eyes. "Was that me?" she said, pointing at the house.

"I told you to lock the doors. Burning down the neighborhood is not part of locking doors."

"Well, I was trying to lock the doors."

"How the hell did you go from locking doors to starting a fire?"

"I wouldn't say that I started it, per se."

Lester groaned and leaned back against the car.

"You should go around shirtless more often," Edna said. "I don't think I've ever seen abs that good. What's the rest of you look like?"

Lester looked down, forgetting that he had pulled his shirt off. He glanced around, but had no idea where it had been dropped. He ran his hands over his head, trying to figure out how the hell he was going to spin this.

The first cops pulled up, and started walking toward him.

"Eddie," Lester said. "Big Dog."

Both nodded at him. "Mrs. Mazur," Eddie said. "What brings you here?"

"I'm his partner!"

The two cops exchanged a look before looking at Lester.

"Long story," he said. "I'm being, uh, disciplined." Seeing as how Steph and Eddie were almost related, he left out the part about Steph being naked. Though Big Dog would probably appreciate the story.

Both cops studied their feet, dragging their toes through the dirt for a moment, before looking back up. They hadn't entirely managed to control their mirth, though.

"Well, uh," Eddie said, "Mrs. Mazur, are you having a good time?"

"Oh yeah. I got to carry a gun and everything!"

Lester groaned. Eddie and Big Dog exchanged looks.

"I confiscated her weapon," Lester said. He took it from his back waistband and handed it to Eddie. "Her other weapons have been secured at the RangeMan facilities."

"Slipped one past you, did she?" Big Dog said to Lester.

"Something like that," he mumbled.

"She almost killed me with that thing! This old broad is crazy," Brutowski hollered from the backseat.

"An hour ago I was a chicky! Now I'm an old broad?" Edna said.

"An hour ago, you hadn't burned down my house, you psycho."

Eddie and Big Dog were both wearing huge smiles. "I cannot wait to hear the rest of this," Eddie said. "Who is this guy?"

"A skip," Lester said. He handed Eddie the apprehension papers. "I had just secured him when I noticed the fire."

"Now Mrs. Mazur," Eddie said. "Did you burn down this nice man's house?"

"I'm sure not," she said.

"Would you happen to know who did?"

"Why are you so sure it was burned down?" Edna said.

Everyone turned to look at the twenty foot flames shooting out the upstairs windows of Brutowski's house. Smoke was starting to curl out of the neighbor's windows. The firemen were shouting orders and dragging hoses around, trying to keep it from spreading any farther.

"Eh," Eddie said, "I'm pretty sure we're past that, Mrs. Mazur."

"Damn," she said.

"And did you point a weapon at him, Mrs. Mazur?"

"He was resisting arrest."

Eddie glanced at Lester. Lester shook his head.

"Mrs. Mazur," Eddie said gently, "I'm going to have to arrest you."

"Arrest me? Whatever would you arrest an old woman for?"

Eddie looked over at Lester. "Has it been like this all day?"

"Oh yeah."

…

Trenton had a small enough jail that prior to booking, men and women waited in the same holding cell. Since it was two o'clock on a Thursday, Lester and Edna were the only people being held.

"Well isn't this just a pip? I can't wait to tell all the girls at the beauty parlor about this. Do you think they'll take our fingerprints?"

Lester leaned his head back on the cement wall and closed his eyes. Hours ago, he had stopped telling himself that the day couldn't get worse. It turned out that God had a nasty sense of humor.

He opened up his eyes to see Ranger standing in front of the cell. "Explain," he said.

"I wish I could, man. I really do."

The corners of Ranger's mouth turned up before his gaze swung to Edna. "Mrs. Mazur, are you alright?"

"Oh yes. This is just the most exciting thing that has happened to me in years."

"I'll bet."

Stephanie popped in, a wide smile on her face. "Hey Grandma. How's it kicking?"

"I've had so much fun. I can't wait to tell the girls about this."

"Well, the RangeMan lawyer is on his way, hopefully he'll be able to straighten all this out."

"Oh but they haven't taken my fingerprints yet," Edna said.

A deputy appeared in front of the cell. "I'm actually taking you to booking now, ma'am." He unlocked the cell and took her arm. "Mr. Santos, you will not be booked. You're free to go."

Lester nodded and gingerly climbed to his feet.

From down the hall, he heard a yelp. "You have to immobilize her arm," he yelled at the young deputy who had just unfortunately been felt up.

Mrs. Plum came around the corner and zeroed in on Lester. "You were supposed to be responsible for her! How in the world did she manage to burn down a house?"

"Mrs. Plum," Lester said, "with all due respect, your mother is insane."

"Well of course," she said. "We all know that. But you were supposed to be watching her. You can't let her out of your sight for a second."

With that, Mrs. Plum scuttled down the hall toward booking, mouthing all the way about who would put a poor little old woman in jail.

He faced Ranger and Stephanie. "You still have that psychologist on call?"

Steph smiled sweetly. "Did you learn your lesson?"

He glanced up and down the length of Steph's body. "Nope. It was worth every second."

Ranger put one hand on Lester's chest and pushed him back into the cell. He grabbed the door and let it fly shut, locking with a resounding click.

"Oh come on, man!"

Ranger and Steph had just started to turn away when Morelli walked in.

"Hey Cupcake," he said. He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, then glanced between Ranger and Lester. "What are you guys doing here?"

Steph jerked her thumb toward Lester. "He saw me naked. Apparently my punishment for him wasn't good enough. How long do you think you can keep him in there?"

Morelli turned to Lester and grinned. "Oh, I think I can come up with something."

"Well," Steph said. "My work here is done. See you tomorrow, Les."

"Wait, guys, Boss, come on," Lester yelled. But Steph and Ranger kept walking.

Lester turned back to Morelli. "It was an accident, Detective. I swear." He rubbed his left shoulder and backed up to the bench in the cell. It was official, he thought, he was definitely going to have a heart attack.

This was another challenge for the yahoo group PlumShort - check it out! And also, let me know what you think of this - I love reviews :) Thanks for reading