Act 1:
"Misato and Ayanami scare me."
He paused.
"Help me… help me, Asuka," his voice was nothing but a whisper.
Still no response, just the rhythmic beeping of the hospital machinery.
"Hey, quite fooling around."
He started to shake her gently by the shoulder.
"C'mon Asuka, wake up."
His voice was more frantic.
"This isn't funny anymore. Asuka, wake up!"
He started shaking her more aggressively as she lay under the white hospital bed sheets.
"Asuka! Asuka!"
Nothing.
He stopped, putting his forehead to her shoulder.
"Help me… Asuka please help me… I need you. Please Asuka help me! Call me an idiot like you always do! Just say something, dammit!" a tear trickled off his face and slid off her face. Still no reaction.
"Please, WAKE UP!"
He violently tugged her by the shoulder one last time, unintentionally forcing open her loosely-buttoned hospital garments and pulling away the hospital sheets. He jerked back when he realized that he had accidently exposed her bare chest.
He froze in place as he landed an eternal gaze upon her while filthy thoughts of shame and perversion decorated his mind.
He locked the door.
He needn't be disturbed.
Shinji unzipped his pants and pulled out his floppy appendage.
…
But he couldn't do it.
"CUT!"
Shinji's shoulders fell in relief as he tucked away his trouser snake. Asuka's eyes shot open into a sneer and her cheeks blushed a fierce red. As quickly as she could muster, she pulled the two sides of her open shirt together to cover her indecency. An amusingly-drawn anime depiction of Hideaki Anno wearing a director's hat appeared near the bedside.
"Dammit, Shinji! I need you to do this!"
"Sorry, Mr. Anno," he said, slumping his shoulders, "I-I just can't do this… it feels so dirty…"
Anno lifted his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Look, Shinji, I know it's not a pleasant scene, but remember what your character says back in Episode 1?"
Shinji sighed.
"Yes…"
"And what was that line, Shinji-kun?"
"I mustn't run away…" he grumbled.
"Good. Now the fewer takes we have to do, the faster this is done, got it?"
"Yeah, c'mon you pervert," Asuka annoyingly interjected, "just hurry up and get it done with."
"Okay, but do they have to be here for this?" Shinji pointed to the other side of the fake hospital room, revealing a warehouse of a film studio. Beside the camera operator stood Misato, Yui, and Gendo. Each of them were wearing custom baseball-style caps with Shinji's face on the front, and his father was holding a small pennon flag with the words 'Shinji #1' stylized on the front.
"You can do it, Shinji!" Yui yelled from across the set.
"We believe in you!" Misato called.
"Make papa proud!" Gendo shouted, twirling his flag like an excited schoolboy.
"What're you saying?" Anno said, turning back to Shinji, "I thought you'd appreciate a little motivation."
Shinji blushed.
"N-not during this scene!"
"Ugh, fine," Anno rolled his eyes and turned to the spectators. He reached into his pocket and grabbed a spray gun. "Get out of here! Shoo, shoo!" he said as he started spritzing with water in a manner not dissimilar to spraying a misbehaving cat.
They collectively recoiled and hissed in disgust before sprinting away. Anno sat back on his director's chair and brought out his megaphone.
"Positions, everyone!" he shouted. "And Shinji, remember to get it all on your hand! I'm going for a theme, got it?"
"This is so fucked up…"
"That's the spirit, Shinji!" Anno hollered. "And… action!"