Hello everyone! It took me more time to kick this story off than I intended. Granted, it's a shift in style. The Ridonculous Race is a lot harder than Total Drama to write for. There's so much research that has to go into it. Locations, challenge ideas, country laws/traditions/customs/currency/languages. Distances, temperatures... it goes on. Nevertheless, I promised to start this and I did. I don't know if it will be as good as Pokerific but I'll try my best. Chapter one has its weak moments IMO but maybe it will get better.
A list of the characters can be found on my profile, right at the bottom. I'll give some info about the contestants at the end of this chapter.
Disclaimer: I do not own Total Drama, the Amazing Race, or The Ridonculous Race. I only own the Teams.
Total Drama Presents: The RidiChrislous Race
Chapter 1: San FranChrisco
A camera turned on and directly in front of it was none other than Chris McLean.
"Konichiwa, Hola, Marhaba, and Greetings! This is Chris McLean, awesome host and expert challenge presenter, live, plus a few months probably, from San Francisco California! I am your new rockin host of the most epic, entertaining race around the world. You've known me from other epic shows such as Total Drama Island, Total Drama Revenge of the Island, Total Drama All-Stars, and every other show that had the words Total Drama." Chris addressed.
"Except this show's prequel which was a huge success." Someone off camera spoke." The one that had a new better looking host."
"THAT DID NOT HAPPEN!" Chris shouted before regaining his cool." And that, was Chef Hatchet, whom you also know from other Total Drama shows. He's here as the cameraman. Filming who you may ask? You've seen them over and over bring popcorn eating drama season after season, they keep coming back and having new fights with the same faces they grew to hate. That's why we're not bringing any of them back. We have 32 brand new faces and they come in pairs. This is the biggest cast we've ever had!"
"The prequel had…" Chef began.
"DID. NOT. HAPPEN!" Chris burst a nerve." 32 individuals, 16 teams. One winning team of a cash prize of one million dollars. Who are these aspiring new teams? Will they live up to the veterans who we've milked all the possible drama out of? And who will finish in first? Find out right now on "The RidiChrislous Race!"
"RidiChrislous? Dude." Chef shook his head.
(Cue theme song)
Chris was standing on the pavement in front of a busy street.
"We're here on north Veterans Boulevard where the teams are just about to arrive." Chris began.
A cab came to a halt in front of Chris and out came a man in a suit. He opened the other door and let out a woman. He was wearing black pants and jacket over a gray buttoned up vest and white shirt. He had a black tie on and black polished shoes. Fitted on his hands were white gloves. The woman was wearing a black dress with a frilly white apron tied around the waist. She had on white leggings and plain black sandals. Her hair was white and on top of it was a maid's hat.
"Greetings Master Chris." The man spoke in a deep baritone voice.
"Hello to you sir." The woman followed, in a gentle old voice.
"Niles, Martha! How does it feel to be off work for a while, and better yet, competing in a reality TV show?" Chris addressed.
"It is quite refreshing, might I admit, to be out and about, doing one's own for once." Martha admitted.
"Quite right, Master and Mrs. Levreth are off on business and the estate is set to have some renovations. We find ourselves in possession of a hefty amount of free time." The man revealed.
"Great, we're happy to have Master Levreth's generous, uh, help by, err, providing us with interesting contestants." Chris Smiled.
"Not that he helped fund the season or anything like that." Chef interrupted.
"No talking behind the camera!" Chris linned at him.
(Team Confessionals)
Housekeeper and Butler
Martha: We made certain we arrived as early as possible, best if we were to be the first. It is customary for the help to pave the way for others.
Butler: That does not mean however that we shall allow our adversaries to simply walk all over us. Tactful competition, that is what we call it.
Martha: Oh yes, we would very much like to win, but manners are everything.
Next up, an ordinary black minivan parked up and out came two similar looking men. Both were dressed in casual attire. One was in a blue shirt, the other in a black one.
"Bob, Jim, the Neighbors! So whose car is that?" Chris asked.
"Heyo Chris." The one in black greeted.
"Hey Chris. That there is Jim's car. Mine is a blue one." The other, who was Bob said.
"How about this race huh? Away from the wives and kids and all?" Chris asked.
"Oh no no, no wives and kids for us. We're both bachelors." Jim corrected.
"That's right neighbor, living the good ole' single life. That's us." Bob added.
"That's right neighbor." Jim returned.
"You two could pass for twins you know." Chris noted.
"Is that so? Hm, I haven't noticed that, did you neighbor?" Bob rubbed his chin.
"Not really neighbor, I don't really see it." Jim replied, also rubbing his chin.
"I fail to see the resemblance as well." Niles joined.
"Okay then." Chris blinked.
(Team Confessionals)
Neighbors
Bob: This show will be a good opportunity to go out and see the world.
Jim: For free. Hehe.
Bob: Haha. Good one neighbor. Although, we will have to run for pretty much the whole show.
Jim: Still free.
Both: Haha!
"Now on to some actual siblings. The Half Sisters!" Chris pointed as a car dropped off two teenage girls.
Both were redheads. One was in a red shirt and jeans. The other was in a wine red shirt and jeans as well.
"Hey, sisters, so whose parent dropped you off?" Chris asked.
"My dad." The one wearing red said." I'm Maya, and this is Mandy."
"A pleasure." Niles bowed.
"Would you like some tea? I always carry on a fresh batch of hot tea." Martha took out a travel mug and plastic cups.
"No thanks." Mandy raised an eyebrow." So are you with Chris' crew?"
"Hey do you have some decaf instead? Can we like, order from them Chris?" Maya asked.
"Uhh." Chris smiled in amusement.
"You are mistaken, we are here to compete in the race." Niles told.
"Ohhhh." They both went.
"Does that mean we can't order stuff?" Maya asked after a while.
(Team Confessionals)
Half Sisters
Mandy: I think we made a pretty good impression. Especially considering the other racers are so old. There's no way we'll be losing to them.
Maya: Those two were weird. Why are they dressed like servants if they're here to compete? Like, hello, misdirection much? How's a girl supposed to know?
A taxi pulled up and immediately Niles walked over to it, he opened the back door, letting out a man and a woman in hospital attire.
"Welcome, sir and madam." Niles bowed curtly.
"Niles, you're off duty you know, you don't have to keep up the butler act." Chris raised an eyebrow.
"Butlery is not a job, tis a lifestyle." Niles spoke deeply.
"Thank you." The pair said as the car drove away.
"Dr. Sherman and Nurse Judy. It's good to have you here." Chris addressed.
"Nurse, what's the situation?" Sherman asked.
"All clear Doctor. No injuries or illnesses to report." Judy replied.
Sherman proceeded to remove his health mask and white gloves. He shook hands with Chris.
"A pleasure." He said.
"It should be, hopefully this season will be the first injury free season, thanks to our very first Doctor and Nurse contestants." Chris smiled.
(Team Confessionals)
Doctor and Nurse
Sherman: Did you sterilize this chamber Nurse?
Judy: Yes doctor.
Sherman: Good. You can never be too safe. Pathogens are always raging their vicious wars against people. We wish to have a fair competition and I will not accept a win due to other team injury.
The next duo to arrive were two teen guys in leather. They jumped out of the taxi and slid on their knees stringing their hands as if they had guitars. They shook their heads vigorously up and down. One of the guys had bright neon green hair, gelled up in a spikey formation. The other had smooth wavy hair dyed purple. Their faces had slight pale colorations, apparently makeup as their exposed arms were tanned.
"Niles, quick. They are having a seizure!" Martha worried.
"Nurse, med kit, stat!" Sherman put his gloves and mask back on.
"Woohoo! Can you feel the beat? That awesome rock rhythm?" The purple haired guy cheered.
"Rock on man, rock that street." The other one encouraged.
"Guys, guys, there will be lots of time to rock on. It's time to introduce yourselves." Chris intervened.
"Ah alright." The one with green hair said." I'm Rex and this is my brotha from another motha, Jake."
"Aww yeah!" Jake nodded furiously.
"Say, you were pretty deep in that act of yours. Don't you think it would be better to use real guitars?" Jim asked.
"What do you mean? They are real." Jake blinked at him.
"Aren't they the coolest?" Rex asked.
The others look at them funny.
"Idiots." Maya rolled her eyes.
"And that is an example of the effects of dropping an infant on its head. Take note Nurse." Sherman pointed out.
"Yes doctor." She took out a notebook and wrote down.
(Team Confessionals)
Air guitarists
Rex: (He was rocking on his invisible guitar alongside Jake) Ber-deber-deber. I'm on fayaaa!
Jake: This dude is on fayaaaaa!
Another car stopped and let out a kid who looked to be around 13. He had a lean frame and short hair. He was wearing a 'Tom and Jerry' shirt with shorts and sneakers. He had a smile as he stepped out.
"Hi! I'm An-Oof." He was pushed to the ground as another kid walked out of the cab.
In contrast, the other one looked bigger and more built in body structure, although he still had young looking features. He seemed to be 14 or 15 years old. He was wearing a black shirt that had the picture of a bawled fist pointing forward with stars around it. He had short spiky hair and a mean looking face.
"Out of the way loser." He scowled.
"Boys, let's try to get along, you are a team now." Chris told.
"Make me." The big one challenged childishly.
"It's not too late to pick another team." Chris rebutted.
"Sure, we can get along. We can be pals." The big one quickly pulled the smaller one by the back of his shirt and put a big arm around his neck tightly, almost suffocating him." Right, uh, what's your name kid?"
"Can't…breathe." He was turning purple.
(Team Confessionals)
Bully and Geek
Andy: My name is Andy. We got to the show by luck, the school said they were taking audition tapes if anyone was interested, but the show would pick the winners. Somehow it ended up being Dirk and me. Dirk is the school bu…uh, popular kid.
Dirk: That's right. They were stupid though because they put me with your scrawny loser butt. Whatever, I'll win on my own.
Andy: (sigh)
A car parked next and the driver, a middle-aged man walked out. He walked to the back of the car and took out a wheelchair. Then he opened the backseat and helped carry an old woman onto the chair. He began to roll her towards the teams.
"Dude, we're gonna be competing against them? It's like taking tapioca from a granny." Rex nudged Jake.
"Ew, who likes tapioca?" Jake grimaced.
"Slow down, the wind is blowing my hair all wrong." The old woman whined.
"Bertha, I can't control the wind too." The man sighed.
"Hey, Malcolm, Bertha, how's it going?" Chris asked.
"Ask her." Malcolm mumbled.
"How do you think? He was driving too fast, the windows were shut, he hit every bump. It was terrible." Bertha complained.
"It's summer, I had the air conditioning on because you hate to sweat. I slowed down on the bumps you couldn't even feel them, and I was driving at 40. How is that fast?" Malcolm explained.
"Do you backtalk to Emily that way too?" Bertha glared.
"NO! Because your daughter actually likes me." Malcolm was exasperated.
"Ah it's good to see good family bonding." Chris snickered.
(Team Confessionals)
Husband and Mother-In-Law
Bertha: This is already a disaster.
Malcolm: I know. That's what I told Emily, but no, she wanted us to get closer to each other and thought a race competition would be a great opportunity for her mother and husband to get on better terms.
Bertha: Don't blame my daughter for your mistakes.
Malcolm: Ugh, this is going to be a painstakingly long competition.
All of a sudden, stage lights were lit and a low tune was played. Someone jumped out of nowhere. She was wearing a short stomach revealing black shirt and a mini white jacket on top of it over a short white skirt. She had long black gloves and shoes on. Her hair was waved in a long curved cascading tail and was colored pink. Another one jumped in, a man dressed in similar clothing, white pants and sleeved jacket and shirt instead. His hair fell down on the sides of his head to the top of his shoulders and it was dyed purple.
"Prepare for trouble, there's an incoming storm." She spoke.
"And make it double, we're breaking the norm." He followed up.
"To protect the world tour from devastation." She sang.
"To unite all teams within our nation." He added.
"To denounce the evils of first place and love." She walked forward.
"To extend our reach to the chill zone above." He said following her from the opposite side.
"Marley!" She stated.
"Ulrich!" He smiled.
"Team Cosplayers blast off at the speed of light." The girl posed.
"Forfeit now, or prepare to fight." The guy ended.
"Total Drama, that's right!" They both stood motionless.
The rest were staring at them blankly, wondering what the heck just happened. Andy burst into a sprint towards them.
"Oh my God! You two are so cool! That was the best Team Rocket impression I've seen, and I've been to a lot of Pokémon conventions!" He praised excitedly.
"Impression? Please. We're the real deal." The guy said with a condescending tone.
"Shoo twerp, we've got a race to win and teams to steal, I mean crush." The girl snobbishly said.
"Haha, geek got burned." Dirk pointed and laughed.
"So I assume you're Marley and Ulrich, will we be seeing a lot of cosplaying this season?" Chris asked.
"Maybe." James teased.
"Keep me in the game and I'll give my lovely audiences what they want." Jessie blew kisses to the camera.
"Us. Keep us." James corrected.
"Shut up James. Can't you see I'm on TV?" Jessie silenced.
(Team Confessionals)
Cosplayers
Ulrich: We may be cosplaying, but we will never get out of character. Except in these petty confessionals. Apparently it's in the contract, otherwise we have to go by our cosplay names.
Marley: And considering we never stick to one impersonation, we'd have to do the paperwork of changing our names every time we make a different portrayal.
Ulrich: That's why we decided to keep our mundane identity-less names instead.
A deafening noise took everyone's attention off of the Cosplayers. It sounded like an explosion. It was coming from further down the street. When they looked, they couldn't believe what they saw. It was an old looking ship, rowing across the street.
"A ship in the middle of a busy street? You don't see such wonders in England." Niles spoke.
The ship rowed quickly and efficiently, considering there was no water. It made its way to the teams and stopped. A long plank was lain diagonally from the ship's edge to the pavement. Someone then jumped on it and slid down. He was dressed in a an authentic pirate costume from top to bottom, including the eyepatch, the steel hook, the peg leg and the black hat with a skull and crossbones logo on it.
"Arrr! Land a ho!" He spoke in a rough voice. He looked young though, under the facial blemishing.
"Who you callin a hoe?" Mandy put her hands on her hips.
"Probably you." Maya teased.
"Your mom's a hoe." Mandy snapped.
"WE HAVE THE SAME MOTHER!" Maya shouted.
"Oh, right, then your dad's the hoe." Mandy altered.
Maya gasped." You didn't."
"I did." Mandy linned.
"Arrr, mutiny among the ranks. Unacceptable." The pirate took out a sword.
"COOL!" Andy marveled.
"Woah! No sharp objects allowed." Chris stepped in." You know that Roscoe."
"Fine. How bout this?" He sheathed his sword and instead took out a pistol.
The teams scattered behind the cars. Chris cowered behind Chef.
"NO WEAPONS! PERIOD!" Chris shouted frantically.
"It's okay, it's okay! They're not real." Came a voice behind the pirate.
Another teen had slid down the plank. He wasn't dressed as outrageously as the other but he still had the rag-strewn clothes of a sailor and the wild messy hair.
"They're fake." He grabbed the pistol and fired, releasing a jet of water." See."
The teams slowly emerged, Chris remained hidden.
"What about the sword?" He asked.
"A prop." The sane one said.
"Arrr, only until next year, when I turn 18 and become a legally licensed pirate and firearm owner." The pirate rubbed the back of his head." And I do have me own sword but I keep it in me cabin on the ship. It cuts me hip when I carry it around."
"Cuts can become infected easily. Make sure you always have a medical kit on board." Dr. Sherman said.
(Team Confessionals)
Pirate and First Mate
Roscoe: Arr, a new adventure is beginning. Opportunities of plundering and treasure seeking await. We're gonna be rich Carl.
Carl: Uh yeah cap'n, we sure will.
A black car parked behind the big ship and out came two formally dressed women. One was a blonde, the other a brunette. They were carrying a stack of papers and files.
"Hello Chris, it is good to finally meet you. I'm Linda, and this is my senior associate Carol." The brunette shook his hand.
"You're infamous for the many lawsuits involving you." The blonde eyed him.
"Heh, yeah, you could say that. So, you two got approved afterall. I don't know why the producers would think it a good idea to host two lawyers as contestants but here you are. Hopefully that means you won't be considering suing the show, since you're on it." Chris warily asked.
"Will there be a reason to sue?" Carol asked.
"Of course not! We're the cleanest most lawful show ever!" Chris laughed nervously.
"Mhm." They looked at each other.
"Damn neighbor, that's some perty lookin mama." Bob leaned in and whispered.
"You can say that again neighbor." Jim agreed.
"Good thing there's two of em. So we don't end up liking the same one eh neighbor?" Bob nudged him smiling.
"Right, we don't want a repeat of past mistakes do we neighbor." Jim reminded.
"No we don't neighbor." Bob nodded.
(Team Confessionals)
Lawyers
Carol: We're well aware that Chris has been incarcerated at one point and spent some jail time.
Linda: But we also believe people can change. Chris doesn't seem that bad on the surface of it.
Carol: Which is why we'll have to crack him and see what he's like. We are here to make sure the race abides by the law to the full extent.
Linda: And of course to compete. The firm is facing some financial troubles and we need all the assets we can get.
The teams waited for the next car but instead the team dropped in by other means, literally. Two skydivers glided from the sky and dropped close by. They unhooked their parachutes and took off their protective gear. One of them was a blond haired guy, the other a brunette girl.
"Woo! That was wild!" The girl breathed.
"Heck yeah! Let's do it again." The guy added.
"I would advise against that. Skydiving is a highly risky sport and in many cases fatal." Dr. Sherman cautioned." Especially considering this is no open space. Collision with a building is inevitable and so will your fatality be."
"Or, don't because you know, we're about to start and you guys would lose already because of the time wasted." Chris added." Come here and introduce yourselves."
"Aight, name's Troy, and this is my gal Alexis. We're big time thrill seekers." The guy stepped up smiling.
"Horror movies are lame." Mandy commented.
"Idiot." Her sister rolled her eyes.
"We love the adrenaline rush you get whenever you do something you know could kill you in so many ways. It's what makes us feel alive!" Alexis spoke with a flame in her eyes.
"Aye lassie, I know what ye be talkin aboat. There be nothin that brings more joy to a pirate's heart than the adventure." Roscoe waved his hook.
"Well it's a good thing we made you sign that extra statement claiming if any injury or worse, death occurs to either of you during your participation in the show, we will not be held liable in any way." Chris smirked.
"We request copies of that statement. We will be examining them for any illegalities." Linda butted in.
"Have at it." Chris shrugged.
(Team Confessionals)
Adrenaline Junkies
Troy: This is gonna be sick! Total Drama is all about danger and thrills, we're gonna have the best time ever.
Alexis: And no one's gonna beat us. We're not afraid of anything!
The teams quickly found out that the means of transportation were getting less conventional by the arrival. The next team approached on a mule and wagon. Two brown skinned plump women got off. They were dressed in drab desert attire.
"Arr, desert tribes, a pirate's worst enemy." Roscoe glared at them.
"Are they? I didn't know that. I thought I knew a lot about pirates." Andy asked.
"Think about it lad, a pirate's domain be the sea, deserts are out of ourrr reach." Roscoe noted.
"Greetings children, ahh so young and inspired." One of the women spoke. This one had dark brown hair that cascaded behind her, atop it was a circular hat.
"Please, Bertha could be your mother." Malcolm rolled his eyes.
Bertha used a short cane to bop his head. He rubbed it with a pout.
"Letisha and, Um, I forgot your name. They weren't exactly the most common." Chris welcomed.
"Leticia sonny, Leteeseeya. Get that dear? I would hate to poison you." The other woman said, she had white hair made into a bundle on top of her head.
"Gunhilda. And it is not as uncommon as one would think, among my tribe it is the fourth most common." The first one added.
"Whatever, Gypsies! How was your ride?" He ignored.
"It was illuminating, I got visions of the future, mysterious omens for 30 poor souls." Gunhilda said.
"And I concocted some fresh tonics. They should come in handy in this battle of wits called a competition." Leticia smiled mysteriously.
"Uhh, okay, I'm just gonna go over there." Chris backed away.
(Team Confessionals)
Gypsies
Gunhilda: We are here simply because we seek riches. The desert is a harsh place to live in.
Leticia: That is why we will pose a tough challenge for the others. We have nothing to lose, but so much to gain. We came prepared with our wits, desire, and an endless supply of mysterious tricks their simple minds cannot withstand, let alone comprehend.
Gunhilda: I am getting a premonition, success, yes, success is in our near future. Leticia, your skills are required in this one.
Leticia: It would be my pleasure old friend.
(Team Confessionals)
Neighbors
Bob: Damn neighbor, those two sure gave me the chills.
Jim: You read my mind neighbor. And I think that brown haired one read it too.
Bob: *Shudders* Let's change the subject into something more enjoyable, like that lawyer woman. She was smokin!
Jim: That she was neighbor, we're gonna need to impress them though. Successful ladies like them aren't going to give us the time of day without reason.
Bob: Right, that's why we need to win the first challenge. That'll impress em.
Next came a cab. It stopped in front of the others, but no one went out. Through the window, the backseat passengers remained in their place, looking down. The cab turned to them and waited. Niles quickly went to them and opened the door, bowing. Still no one got out. There were two teenage girls sitting next to each other, clicking away at their phones.
"Get outta here!" The cab shouted.
"Like relax old man, can't you see we're on the phone?" One of them said without looking up.
"Chyeah, we're busy." The other one spoke.
"Ladies, there's free Wi-Fi over here." Chris called.
The girls both looked up excitedly and jumped out of the cab. They were both brunettes with short skirts and tank-tops. They both had gold watches on their wrists and several rings on their fingers, with black loop rings on their thumbs. One of them had a golden anklet. The other was wearing a gold necklace.
"Password please." Said the one with the necklace.
"Not until we get a proper introduction." Chris denied.
"No fair Curt." She whined.
"It's Chris." He stared with a bored expression.
"I'm Sarah, she's Jessica. Password man?" The one with the anklet rushed.
"Gosh, they're so annoying. Have you met anyone so annoying?" Mandy complained.
"I have actually." James said, looking at her.
"Good enough for me." Chris shrugged.
Jessica clicked some buttons on her phone.
"Nope, it says it's too long. You sure that's the pass?" Jessica asked.
The contestants facepalmed.
"Hey girls, I lied, we don't have Wi-Fi." Chris snickered.
"Big deal, we got 3G to last us a year." Sarah said as she went back to clicking away.
(Team Confessionals)
Phone Addicts
Sarah: El Oh El! Clemont was so dumb. He thought he had us.
Jessica: Eeyeah, any decent phone user never goes out without having 3G. Duh!
After that uneventful introduction, another cab stopped by. Out came a woman in a raggedy dark gray dress and frizzy spindly gray hair. She was holding onto a black cat.
"Aww, cute kitty!" Jake went.
He received weird looks.
"What? I like cats." He shrugged.
"Where's your teammate?" Carol asked.
"What're ya blind? You're starin right at him." The woman spoke in a raspy voice." This is Mr. McFluff."
"A shortage of human contestants that you would use a cat?" Linda turned to Chris.
"We're going to look into this in the show's rules." Carol took out a recorder and noted to herself.
"Knock yourselves out." Chris ignored them." So Helen, Mr. McFluff, do you feel you make a good team?"
"Mr. McFluff has many talents and skills. We do make a good team, you'll see sonny, or do you doubt like everyone else?" She asked frowning.
"You're here aren't you, you must have skills if you're here." Chris answered.
"We weren't selected for our skills." Malcolm pointed out.
"Shh! Chris silenced.
(Team Confessionals)
Cat Lady and Cat
Helen: They're foreclosing our house so we must win. We can't let anyone take our house from us McFluff. They won't take our stuff.
McFluff:(McFluff almost nods)
(Team Confessionals)
Gypsies
Leticia: Have you appraised the skill in the others yet?
Gunhilda: The two boys with plastered ebony faces and unruly hair have next to no chance, the technology worshipping girls will walk into quick sand without knowing it and the pretentious servants shall never come in first out of their own flawed inferior natures.
Leticia: Ah it is good to see your third eye deciphering the competition for us. So you believe there is no threat to us?
Gunhilda: Yes, I believe so. They foolishly wear their weaknesses on their sleeves just in reach of us. Hehehe.
Leticia: Wonderful!
Another cab showed up. It dropped off a woman in her early 20s with her brown hair in a ponytail. She was carrying a couple of bags. With her was a young boy. He rushed past her all the way to the parked ship.
"Woah! A Pirate ship! I wanna go on it!" He jumped up the ladder leading to the ship.
"Billy! Come back here!" The woman yelled as she set down her bags near Chris.
"Oy! Get down from there kid, I uh, mean, lad." Carl shouted, adjusting his accent.
"Arr, leave him be Carl, we're short on crew, and there ain't nothing be better than enthusiastic beginner buccaneers." Roscoe placated.
"So, Annie the nanny, how much are you getting paid to keep the runt entertained while his parents are off on some business trip?" Chris smirked.
"Not enough." She took a deep breath.
"Boys will be boys, I mean how bad could Billy be?" Chris asked with a shrug.
"Hey cool! Look at all this stuff! Gold cups, weird treasure maps, red candles." Billy sounded like he was rummaging through stuff.
"Blimey! Those aren't candles. Those be explosives." Roscoe corrected.
"Hey a matchbox!" Billy called out.
"BILLY!" Annie shouted.
"Light em up up up!" Rex called out as he strung his nonexistent guitar.
(Team Confessionals)
Kid and Nanny
Annie: (She glares at Billy).
Billy: What? I didn't light the rest of them. I was being responsible.
Annie: First you're gonna say sorry to the nice pirate boys for leaving a big hole in their ship, then you're going to promise to never touch a box of matches or anything with a long string again do you understand me Billy?
Billy: (He pouts) Hmph, make me!
Annie: Mommy said that if you misbehave we go back to the tour of grandfather clock museums. Would you like that?
Billy: No please! Anything but that! I'll be a good boy from now on.
(Team Confessionals)
Doctor and Nurse
Sherman: I think our med kit won't be enough for the season. We're going to have to be extra vigilant to heal all the possible patients.
Judy: Yes doctor.
Sherman: Maybe even bring a defibrillator with us.
Judy: …but.
Sherman: Will that be a problem nurse?
Judy: No, doctor.
Sherman: Good, I'm sure Chris can provide us with one. Try not to break it while we're racing.
Judy:Yes doctor.
As Carl got up to repair the big gaping hole in the ship, a final team was arriving. It was a particularly small car. It rushed down the street in winding motions and honking a whacky loud horn. It stopped in front of the contestants. As soon as the doors opened, a bunch of balloons flew upwards and a loud trumpet was played as a rolled up purple carpet was unwound down the doors. A clown came out on a unicycle and immediately started juggling five pans of pie. From the passenger side, a woman in black and white striped shirt, black pants, white gloves and a white powdered face started cartwheeling towards the others till she made as though she hit an invisible wall. She rubbed her head mockingly before feeling up the wall until she found a knob and turned it. She walked through it and then closed it again. The clown stopped in front of Billy and then stopped the juggling and caught four of the five pies. The fifth one fell on top of Billy, covering him with the white and yellow filling. The clown then squeezed his big red nose twice. Billy angrily kicked the unicycle and the clown fell hard.
"Ooowwww." He wailed loudly.
"Ha ha! He's a bigger wuss than my teammate" Dirk laughed.
The woman dressed as a mime walked up to Maya and Mandy and extended her arm forcefully. She raised the other arm and tried to lower it down before making as though both arms were fighting each other. The girls looked at her bored.
"I think she's possessed." Maya said.
"Nah, she's probably got some disease." Mandy argued.
"Ew! What if it's contagious?" She backed off.
"Uhh, get away you freak!" Maya backed off as well.
The mime looked at them in shock and tried to calm them down.
"Well this is a disaster, for you guys. For me, I find it hilarious." Chris walked up to them." Hilbert and Sally, about time you guys showed up."
"Well you know what they say, first impressions are everything." The clown got up and dusted himself off.
"And yours was embarrassing." James spoke.
"I think they're cool." Jake shrugged." Live the dream homies!"
(Team Confessionals)
Clown and Mime
Hilbert: Well that sucked.
Sally: I told you a hundred times not to throw pies at people and you always get the same reaction.
Hilbert: Yeah well they don't have a sense of humor. It's not like they were particularly impressed with your mime act.
Sally: Just gotta find the right audience.
Hilbert: Tell me how that goes.
"Now that you're all here, allow me to explain how the challenges will work." Chris began." You will of course be racing around the world and visiting many countries. In these countries you will have mini challenges that you must complete. They will come in four types. A 'Botch Or Watch' is a challenge where one of the pair only gets to perform a certain task while the other gets to watch. An 'Either Or' is a task where you are given two choices between challenges, most often of different skill requirements, you'd have to choose which one to do. An 'All In' is a task where both partners must participate in the challenge. Finally, the 'Super Team' is a challenge where a varied number of teams must work together in a challenge. That last one should be good for the ratings don't you think?"
"What was that sonny? I was adjusting my hearing aid." Bertha said.
"Malcolm can explain it all to you later won't you Malcolm?" Chris grinned.
"And who's gonna explain it to him? He's one of them retards." Bertha objected.
"Bertha! I'm not retarded. And you know we don't say that word. We call them special needs now." Malcolm berated.
"There's nothing special about your needs. Just another man looking to seduce an innocent girl, like my daughter." She criticized.
"Oh snap!" Mandy watched.
"Actually, she asked me out." Malcolm stuck it to her.
"Burn!" Maya commented.
Chris sounded a loud horn to shut them up.
"As I was saying." He frowned." You'll be racing on until you get to the 'Chill Zone' which will be your final destination. Get to it before any other team and you should be safe for the next challenge."
"That's my zone!" Jake rocked his head.
A cellphone started ringing.
"Hello!" Jessica answered." Oh mygosh, right? I'm like totally a celebrity now. I'm gonna be hanging with Rihanna, Emma Watson, oh oh, and I'm gonna meet Justin Bieber! YEEE!"
"Ehem!" Chris frowned with his hands on his hips.
"Gotta go, there's like this major race going on. TTYL honey." Jessica hung up.
"Aren't cellphones breaking the rules or something?" Maya whined.
"Nu-uh." Sarah mocked.
"Is too." Mandy replied.
"No way." Jessica butted in.
"LADIES!" Chris silenced." Scattered along the track are 'Chris Cubicles' from which you get your directions for the next task. Your first one is just up ahead. I'll meet you all there!"
"Chris Cubicles just doesn't seem to sound right." Annie pointed out.
"Right? I don't know, I think, hmm, box would sound better." Jim noted." Don't you think neighbor?"
"Do you mean like 'Don Box'?" Chef snickered.
"A PENALTY for anyone who complains about that again!" Chris roared.
"Penalty?" Andy asked.
"Yeah stupid, soccer penalty. You wouldn't know about that because you're a geek." Dirk said as a matter of fact.
"No, a penalty is when you break the rules in a challenge, or when you don't follow the instructions right. You'll have to wait a certain amount of time before you are allowed to enter the Chill Zone. It might even cost you the game!" Chris warned.
"You would know all about breaking the rules wouldn't you Chris?" Linda raised an eyebrow.
"Okay, it's not even halfway through episode one and I'm already annoyed by you lot. This is going to be a really lousy season. Go go go!" Chris groaned.
The teams quickly dashed off towards the bridge.
(Team Confessionals)
Adrenaline Junkies
Troy: Alright! Finally we're in this race already. No more yappin, time to start flappin. We're gonna win this race.
Alexis: And no one's gonna stop us!
(Team Confessionals)
Phone Addicts
Jessica: Did you see how jealous those lame-o's were?
Sarah: Like, oh my gosh, I was thinking the same thing.
Jessica: We totally have to watch our backs from those vultures. They want our babies. Our sweet little babies. (she takes out her phone and starts cooing to it)
The first to reach the bridge were the Adrenaline Junkies. They found a Chris-shaped rectangular pedestal that had a big button on top. Alexis pressed it and out came a ticket.
"It's an Either Or." Alexis said as she read." Clowning around?"
"Clowning around." Chris began his explanation to the camera." In this challenge, teams will choose between climbing down to the underside of the bridge where they will cross using monkey bars or climbing over the bridge and unicycling over the wire. If contestants fall to the nets below them, they'll have to go back to the start and do it again. Definitely not the Acrophobe's best challenge."
Troy and Alexis looked at each other and smiled broadly.
"Unicycling!" They both shouted.
Right behind them were Pirate and First Mate as well as the Clown and Mime.
"Arrr, it be hanging time Carl. Follow me." Roscoe led the way.
"Hey, the task is called Clowning around. It must be my lucky day." Hilbert smiled as he read the card.
"Or, they're making fun of you, as usual." Sally pointed out.
"Shut up, you're supposed to be a mime." Hilbert frowned." Anyway, unicycling is easy, up we go."
Four other teams were on their tail.
"I wanna go on the monkey bars!" Billy chants.
"Oh no you don't mister, our arms won't hold. It will be a lot safer to go over it." Annie grabbed his hand and began climbing.
"Aww dude, we can't go on the monkey bars. Our guitars will make it hard for us to use our hands, we gotta go up too." Rex told.
"Good idea bro! We can't mess up these awesome digs." Jake nodded.
"I don't get it." Andy shrugged as he watched their exchange.
"Idiot, air guitar playing is a serious job. You're just too much of a geek to know that." Dirk jabbed him with a finger." We're gonna go under. Your arms better keep your scrawny little body up, even if they do look like string beans."
"Okay sheesh." Andy whined as he followed him down.
"Mmm, James quick, we need to follow those thrill addicts and sabotage them. They're the biggest threat." Whispered Jessie.
"So we gotta go over? Why do I feel like this is gonna hurt?" James asked, looking worried.
"Quit your whining and start climbing, that first place is mine, all mine!" Jessie grinned menacingly.
(Team Confessionals)
Cosplayers
Marley: Not only do we have the outfits and the character knowledge to pull off almost anyone, but we've trained for anything we can think of to match.
Ulrich: I know we trained for all sorts of physical and mental challenges but unicycling on a thin rope over the Golden Gate Bridge is definitely more advanced than riding a bicycle downhill.
Marley: If a ten year old kid with his nanny can do it then so can we.
When the Adrenaline Junkies got to the top, they found a bunch of unicycles. Chris flew by using his jetpack and told them they had to only take one.
"No problem!" Alexis smiled." Ready babe?"
"Ready!" Troy replied.
They both made a flip forwards and landed on the unicycle. Each of them had one foot on one of the pedals and the other on the seat. They held each other by a hand and hence each was pulling the other from falling to the side. This helped balance the unicycle in the middle and kept it going. As Alexis' foot pushed down on the pedal, Troy's went up and vice versa, propelling the unicycle forwards. When the Clown and Mime arrived, their jaws hung open as they saw the spectacle.
"If I were you, I'd start cycling. You're not beating them by standing there." Chris alerted.
"Well there's no way we're doing that so you better sit in my lap." Hilbert said.
Sally gasped in silence and started shouting mutely at him.
"Okay fine, you can ride my shoulder." He gave in.
As they got into position, their unicycle was wobbling. Sally had a strong grip on Hilbert's head, over his eyes so he couldn't see.
"I can't see. Your hands!" He cried.
It was too late, the unicycle swayed sideways and they both fell down onto the protective net.
"Oops." Sally smiled nervously.
"Do me a favor and lock yourself in an invisible box or something." Hilbert raged.
(Team Confessionals)
Clown and Mime
Sally: It was your idea to go unicycling because you keep on bragging that you're a clown and that's your thing. Don't be mad at me because you suck.
Hilbert: I suck? What about you? You need to actually know how to do something to suck at it.
Sally: (Gasp) Miming is a real talent.
Hilbert: Sure honey.
Sally: Oh yeah? Well anyone can be a clown.
Hilbert: And anyone can dress in black and put white makeup. They're called emos.
Sally: Still better than a clown.
The Neighbors and the Lawyers arrived at the start of the bridge as well.
"After you ladies." Jim spoke.
"Yeah, after you." Bob joined.
"Thank you gentlemen." Linda thanked as she and Carol chose to go down the bridge.
Both of the men seemed very pleased as they followed them. The Half-Sisters and the Phone Addicts followed.
"Out of the way losers." Mandy pushed through.
"Ugh, like, chillax mamasita." Jessica spoke.
"Chyeah, who got up in your orange face?" Sarah dissed.
"Mandy, stop fighting with everyone and focus." Maya ignored the two.
"Yeah, listen to your ugly step-sister." Sarah cocked her head and snapped her fingers.
"Oh you're going down." Maya stepped forward.
"Actually, we're going up. See ya morons later." Jessica climbed.
Mandy made to follow them but Maya grabbed her arm.
"There's no way I'm getting on a unicycle. Leave them." She said.
(Team Confessionals)
Half Sisters
Maya: We really should stop fighting with those two. People are gonna think we're mean.
Mandy: But look at them, with their fancy phones and their fancy hair and their fancy watches.
Maya: Don't care, all I care about is that race.
The last five teams were approaching.
"May I madame?" Niles allowed Helen and McFluff to pass.
They chose to go down the bridge.
"Thank you child." Gunhilda thanked as she too passed by with Leticia.
"Nurse, stretch your biceps, we have swinging to do." Sherman said.
"Yes doctor." Judy obeyed.
"Niles, we have to get going already." Martha urged.
"Just one more Martha." Niles said.
"But we cannot. We will lose." She warned him.
"I suppose you are right." Niles caved and they both started climbing upwards.
The last to arrive were the Husband and Mother-In-Law as Malcolm had to re-explain the things she missed.
"Well crap, there's no way to take your wheelchair with us." He said as he started to panic.
"Settle down." She calmed.
"We're finished. We haven't even started and we're already out of the race. I knew this was a bad idea." He paced.
"Dammit I said settle down." Bertha was standing up.
"What? Y-you can walk?" Malcolm was gob smacked." All this time you could walk?"
"Yeah yeah, but it was easier to have you roll me around." She brushed off.
"You're despicable." He crossed his arms.
"Are you gonna stand there useless all day or are you going to cross the bridge?" She waited impatiently.
"Either choice is hard, but I guess crossing by unicycle is faster and easier. Plus, I can't think of a way you'd make me carry you while my hands were tied crossing the monkey bars." He spoke sarcastically.
"Stop talking and climb." She hurried.
(Team Confessionals)
Housekeeper and Butler
Martha: We are behind, Niles. We cannot keep holding doors open and bowing down to them.
Niles: I am aware of that. It is just not that simple to be greedy.
Martha: It is our right to be greedy here Niles.
Niles: You do have a point.
(Team Confessionals)
Husband and Mother-In-Law
Malcolm: I cannot believe you could walk this whole time. Does Emily even know?
Bertha: Don't be idiotic. I don't keep secrets from my daughter.
Malcolm: So she knows?
Bertha: She does now.
Malcolm: Ugh, at least I don't have to roll you around anymore.
Bertha: Oh yes you will. I'm having them send my wheelchair to me when we're finished with the bridge.
Malcolm: Why should I? You're perfectly capable on your own.
Bertha: If you can't help your elders, how do you expect to raise a family with my daughter?
Malcolm: What? What does that have anything to do?
Bertha: Shush, you're rolling me and that's final.
"Shiver me timbers, now this be the life of a pirate. Thrill, danger, treasure seeking." Roscoe said as he moved from one bar to the next, hanging over a net under the bridge." Now aren't ye glad we joined this here race?"
"Aye captain." Carl nodded, following closely behind.
"Put a move on it Bambi, I'm not gonna lose to Jack Sparrow." Dirk called back.
"It's Andy." Andy replied breathlessly. He had trouble lifting himself up.
"How's it going up ahead ladies?" Bob asked.
"This is a strain but we can manage, don't you worry about us." Linda answered.
"Oooh neighbor, we're gonna score I tell you." Jim whispered from behind him.
"Definitely my man, those two are gonna be so impressed once we win this." Bob replied.
The Half Sisters were having trouble keeping up and were holding the line for the Gypsies behind them.
"I suggest you put a move on it lass." Gunhilda advised impatiently.
"My arms are too weak." Mandy whined.
"I will handle this." Leticia said to Gunhilda.
Leticia took something from her bosom and sprinkled it on Maya in front of her. A few seconds passed by.
"My arms feel weak too now. Ow, ow, ow!" Maya eventually slipped." AHHH!"
She fell down to the net suspended above the water.
"Half Sisters, back to the start you go." Chris announced.
"Uhhh! You messed up Maya!" Mandy too had to drop down and go back to the start.
(Team Confessionals)
Gypsies
Gunhilda: Hehehe, excellent Leticia, excellent. Now those two are pushed all the way back to last place.
Leticia: I am only just beginning friend, that was but a simple salve I grinded to relax the body and strip the energy from someone. Soon I will be using more complicated mixtures.
Gunhilda: And I'm only just getting ready for my rituals and divinations. The future is within my third eye's reach.
(Team Confessionals)
Pirate and First Mate
Roscoe: Tis a shame there be a net under us. I could use a refreshing dip in the water.
Carl: A fall like that is dangerous cap'n.
Roscoe: Don't be silly Carl, a pirate fears not the ocean.
Carl: Well what about the race? We'd lose if we lost time like that.
Roscoe: Arrr true matey, that's why a good captain needs a good first mate to remind him of things such as this (He puts his arm around Carl who smiles embarrassedly).
On top of the bridge, the contestants seemed to be falling a lot except for the Adrenaline Junkies who had reached the second Chris Cubicle.
"A Botch or Watch." Read Alexis." Hollywood jumping."
"In this task, teams will have to take a cab to the Hollywood sign and one of them has to ride a Pogo stick on top of the sign from one side to the other and gather a set of dangling flags. The flags will be used in the final part of this challenge." Chris announced.
"Easy!" Troy grinned.
They went down the ladder to the bridge and hitched a cab. Shortly after, the Kid and Nanny as well as the Air Guitarists went down the ladder as well.
"Yay Pogo stick! I wanna!" Billy nagged.
"I doubt I can get out of this one. Might as well let you." Annie sighed." This time."
From below, the Pirate and First Mate were making their way upwards, having read the same ticket from their own Chris Cubicle.
"Seize me a taxi Carl, we're goin jumpin." Roscoe said.
"Aye aye cap'n." Carl responded as they halted a taxi.
"Arrr, out of the car ye scurvy dog. This here automobile is now pirate property." Roscoe demanded.
"What the hell?" The driver did a double take.
"Here." Carl lowered down to his window and whispered." Play along please, we'll have the car sent back by the end of the day. Thank you."
He handed him a wad of cash.
"Huh? Uh sure, you can have it, captain, uhh, whatever." The driver walked off, counting his money.
"Good on ya matey, now we'll be way ahead of the others." Roscoe thanked obliviously.
(Team Confessionals)
Air Guitarists
Rex: Dude, we're totally in the top three.
Jake: Aww yeah man, LA's our crib. We got the foshiznick out of this.
Rex: Right on!
The Bully and Geek, Lawyers, Neighbors, Cat Lady and Cat, and the Cosplayers had all made it out of the first task and were in the cabs already. Over the bridge, things weren't going so well for the remaining teams.
"Ahhh! Ooof." Martha yelled as she fell off the unicycle with Niles." Goodness, this is quite the difficult task."
"We mustn't dally, we are far from the advantageous spot as of yet." Niles quickly made his way back up the ladder.
"Woah, steady." Sally cautioned.
"Just keep your hands off my eyes and your yap shut." Hilbert grunted.
The unicycle wobbled but remained on the wire until they made it.
"Finally. Let's get this over with." Sally jumped off and read the next task." Great, more clowning around for you to do next."
The Phone Addicts were trying to juggle riding a unicycle with holding their phones and texting, and so far it had not been successful.
"Would you just give me your phone to hold until you drive us through?" Sarah demanded.
"No way, I'm not giving it to you to chat up Mark and ruin my chances with him." Jessica denied.
"Oh please, you had no chance anyway." Sarah rolled her eyes." Fine, you can hold my phone while I pedal. I'm smart enough to put a lock code on it anyway."
They got in to position. Jessica clicked away at Sarah's phone.
"Smart huh? Smart people don't put 1234 as their password, genius." Jessica mocked.
Sarah gasped loudly." You did NOT just open my phone."
The unicycle swerved with Sarah's attempt to retrieve her phone and they both fell off again.
"UHH! How about we both leave our phones with each other?" Sarah asked.
"Fine!" Jessica agreed begrudgingly.
(Team Confessionals)
Phone Addicts
Jessica: Unicycles are stupid.
Sarah: Totally.
Thanks to crazy speed driving, the Pirate and First Mate were the first to reach the hill on which the Hollywood sign was.
"We're here cap'n! And we're first." Carl said.
"Arr, I claim this territory pirate land now." Roscoe set a black flag with a skull and bone cross on it.
"Hurry captain, while we still have the lead." Carl alerted.
Roscoe climbed the ladder leading to the top of the H. A set of Pogo sticks were lined up. He grabbed one and started jumping. There were two poles, one on the H and another on the D. They were connected by a wire with flags hung on it above the letters in midair.
"Aim for five flags Roscoe." Chris shouted, flying in his helicopter.
As Roscoe began jumping from one letter to the next, snatching one flag after the other, more teams started showing up.
"Ah, so someone beat us here. No matter, our agility and lack of fear shall propel us to first again." Alexis ran ahead.
"That's my girl. Get those flags babe." Troy stretched as he watched her.
"Wow! It's so big! I'm gonna jump on the Hollywood sign!" Billy couldn't contain his excitement.
"Be careful Billy!" Annie cried out.
(Team Confessionals)
Adrenaline Junkies
Troy: We appreciate a challenge and some friendly competition, it deepens the thrill we get.
Alexis: But that doesn't mean we'll be too happy with second place. We came here to win.
Back on the bridge, some teams were finishing up while some still faced some trouble.
"We must hurry Leticia, I foresee a great distance ahead before we catch up to the rest." Gunhilda panted.
"What is this? We are to call a taxi? I despise those things. That is no way of transportation for the likes of us. Where are the camels? Where are the mules?" Leticia grumbled.
"We must make due for now friend, we cannot risk it." Gunhilda said as she stopped a cab.
"Nurse, this next task demands your quick reflexes, halt us a car." Sherman commanded.
"Yes doctor." She nodded as she stopped a taxi.
"Get your legs moving down there, I need to pee." Bertha called down as her and Malcolm descended the ladder to their second Chris Cubicle.
"Bertha if you pee on me, I swear, Emily and I will move and you can never visit us again." Malcolm hurried down.
"Heavens, at last, we made it." Martha breathed a sigh of relief as she and Niles made it across the wire.
Down below, the Half Sisters still felt weak, especially Maya. They were halfway through the monkey bars.
"My arms feel like jelly." Maya complained.
"More like Spaghetti." Mandy corrected." Move it, you're gonna land us in 16th."
"I'm trying!" Maya whimpered." I don't know why but I feel so tired. It just happened."
"What happened is you're lazy." Mandy taunted.
Maya got angry." Shut up! Don't make me slap you. My arms may be weak but I can still bitchslap you so hard."
"Do it, I dare you. Lazy butt." Mandy continued.
"That's it." Maya raged." Come here."
Mandy hurried forward and in turn Maya hurried too, forgetting her weakness. They made it to the end. Mandy smiled in relief until a hand connected with her face.
"OWW! You dummy, I did that on purpose to make you hurry." Mandy rubbed her cheek.
"Oh, well, don't do it again." Maya flushed." Are you okay. Did I hurt you?"
"I'm okay." She replied.
"I'm sorry." Maya apologized.
"Me too." Mandy followed.
They embraced in a hug.
"Hey look, the ranch sisters are getting it on. EL OH EL!" Sarah shouted from the bridge as she and Jessica made their way down.
"OH EM JEE, that's so gross. Barf bag ASAP!" Jessica gagged.
"UHH! You two are so dead." Mandy shouted as the sisters separated. They quickly started climbing.
The Phone Addicts giggled before calling a cab.
"Later losers!" Sarah waved mockingly.
(Team Confessionals)
Half Sisters
Maya: I can't stand those two.
Mandy: Me neither. They're so dumb. There's only room for one team of young pretty girls and that's us.
Maya: You think they're pretty?
Mandy: Yeah, pretty lame! (They both laugh)
The Air Guitarists and the Bully and Geek both arrived to the Hollywood sign.
"Aww yeah dude, jumpin on the Hollywood sign, now that's Rock!" Jake cheered.
"Too bad we can't both do it." Rex lamented.
"Go for it buddy, I'll do the next one." Jake encouraged.
"Dude, I owe you one. You're the man!" Rex ran forward.
"Please let me try Dirk." Andy pled.
"As if. I wanna do it." Dirk refused.
"Aww, please." Andy persisted.
"Nah." Dirk ignored as he ran to the H.
"You're so lucky to be here with your best friend." Andy turned to Jake.
"Yeah little man, Rex and I have been buddies since kindergarten. We're thicker than a Do note!" Jake nodded. He started playing his invisible guitar.
"Heidi ho neighbor, looks like we beat the Lawyer chicks here." Bob spoke as he and Jim got out of the taxi.
"At least that leaves one less team to beat to first place." Jim pointed out.
"Righto!" Bob nodded." See ya at the other end of the Hollywood sign neighbor!"
"Break a leg neighbor!" Jim cheered." But not the pirate's, it's his last one."
They both laughed with snorts. Carl heard and sighed.
(Team Confessionals)
Air Guitarists
Jake: That's another reason we're gonna be in the top bro, because we're so close. We understand each other so well. Half the other teams don't get along with each other.
Rex: True true J-man. And the fact we can rock like no one can!
Jake: Exactly homey!
(Team Confessionals)
Pirate and First Mate
Roscoe: Got me the booty alright. Five flags. We're calling the shots around here now eh Carl?
Carl: Hm? Sure captain.
Roscoe: Carl? What's the matter matey? What's been rockin your boat?
Carl: It's nothing cap'n.
Roscoe: Well alright, if you say so.
More teams were showing up just as Roscoe was going down the ladder from the D. At the bottom was the next Chris Cubicle. Roscoe pressed the button.
"Rrrrunway Token." He read." Pull up the anchor Carl, we're heading to the airport."
"In this last task, teams have to head to the airport where the Chill Zone awaits." Chris announced to the camera." When they get there, they'll have to use their five flags as a toll to the runway guard. Those who can't will have to do an additional task for the guard."
"Stay here McFluff, you can't reach the flags." Helen spoke to McFluff.
"Alright James, this one's all yours." Jessie said as they got out of the cab.
"Why me?" He asked in a whiny voice.
"Because I'm going to be busy stealing from the twerps." She reasoned.
"Fine, no use wasting time." He gave in.
She walked over to the D and waited. Alexis came running down quickly. After her was Billy making his way hastily down the ladder. Jessie reached up and snatched the bundle of flags in his pocket and hid on the other side of the D.
"Nanny! It says we have to go to an airport!" Billy shouted.
The Kid and Nanny got in a cab. Jessie giggled to herself and walked back to the others.
(Team Confessionals)
Cosplayers
Jessie: Like taking Pikachus from immortal ten year olds.
James: You know we never got to doing that right?
Jessie: After we win this race, we won't even need to. We'll be rich rich rich!
The Clown and Mime were the next team to arrive.
"Try not to fall now Hilbert." Sally said.
"Yeah yeah." He huffed as he climbed the H.
At the same time Rex was done but had not collected any flags.
"Sweet! One last stop bro!" Jake ran up to him.
"Rad!" Rex smiled as they got a car.
The Lawyers finally made it.
"Hello ladies, weren't you ahead of us? What happened?" Jim asked them.
"We had to make sure the taxi didn't make any illegal turns and stopped at every red light." Linda answered.
"And this place, it shouldn't be open for the public. I'm gonna have to check with the state officials." Carol said, looking around.
"Hold it Carol, I suggest you partake in this task. I'll deal with this issue." Linda advised.
"Fry Chris' ass for me will you." Carol said as she started climbing the H.
"So Linda." Jim began." Are you seeing anyone lately?"
"That's privileged information I'm afraid." She denied.
"What about your associate?" He attempted.
"Also confidential." She blocked.
"I see. But I think you're too successful to be tied down. Woman like you, working so hard. You're living the bachelorette life, like me." He told.
"You're a bachelorette?" She turned to stare at him with an amused look.
"Yeah, no, no, bachelor. I'm a bachelor, is what I mean to say." Jim stumbled over his words.
"Good to know." She turned away from him.
(Team Confessionals)
Neighbors
Jim: Stupid! I sure blew that one.
Bob: What happened? Were you hitting on them Lawyer chicks?
Jim: I was asking if they were single and I made a fool of myself.
Bob: Don't worry about it neighbor. If we don't impress them with our words, we'll win them over with our competitive nature!
Jim: That's gonna be the only way we can after that fumble.
(Team Confessionals)
Lawyers
Carol: Really? He said that?
Linda: Yes, but I shot him down, for the both of us. There's no time for romances now.
Carol: And even if there was, it would be with someone a little more worthwhile.
Linda: Is there someone worthwhile for you Carol?
Carol: Very funny. And no. (Linda hums a laugh)
It was getting crowded on top of the Hollywood sign. There wasn't much room to pass another contestant so the ones kept waiting were getting impatient.
"Hurry up in front!" Hilbert shouted gruffly.
"I'll handle this." James said.
He balanced his jumping with one hand and slowly with his other hand, he extended it to Helen who was stuck in front of him waiting for Bob. Suddenly Helen turned around and hissed like a cat at James.
"Yaaa!" James yelped and lost his footing, falling off of the W in the sign.
Hilbert and Dirk cracked up in laughter.
"Loser!" Dirk yelled." Hey, Bambi, airport time. Move it!"
Dirk and Andy got into a cab while James had to restart the jumping task. Just as they were leaving, the Gypsies, the Doctor and Nurse, Husband and Mother-In-Law and Housekeeper and Butler all piled up after each other.
"Distasteful task, I suppose I shall do it. We don't want your concoctions to get too shook up and turn into something not useful for us while you jump." Gunhilda told Leticia.
"Good foresight dear." Leticia smiled knowingly.
"Nurse, take care of this will you?" Sherman stood waiting.
"Yes doctor." Judy complied somewhat reluctantly.
"You heard the man, take care of this." Bertha addressed Malcolm.
"Only because you'd probably fall and break your spine and then I'd HAVE to roll you around, which I still thankfully don't." Malcolm started climbing the H.
"You rest Niles, allow me to handle this one." Martha stepped up.
"Absolutely not. I would be a fool to expose you to such a risky task. I'll take care of it." Niles refused.
"No no, you did so well on the previous one. This is the least I can do." Martha attempted.
"I insist." Niles continued.
"EL OH EL Josie, I just passed the janitor and the maid!" Sarah came running past them, speaking on her phone as Jessica started climbing.
"HEY! Get back here. I'm not done with you yet!" Mandy ran up the H after them.
"Oh no, fine you can go Niles, just save us from last place." Martha succumbed.
(Team Confessionals)
Cosplayers
Marley: You imbecile. You cost us a lot of time with that tumble.
Ulrich: Hey, you didn't see that woman. She's got like freaky x-ray backwards vision and literally cat-like reflexes. She freaks me the heck out.
Marley: Uhh, whatever, just skip the flags. We can use the ones I stole.
(Team Confessionals)
Cat Lady and Cat
McFluff: Meow!
Helen: I know. No one can sneak up on us. They try to trick us but we are better than them. Yes we are! HNNG HUGHH. *Cough*, hairball.
McFluff: (Pats her arm comfortingly).
Bob was really keeping up the line now. With 11 contestants on the Hollywood sign, there wasn't much movement as Bob had been stuck on the first O.
"Meowooove!" Helen screeched behind him.
"I can't. It's too far." He whined
"You can do it neighbor!" Jim encouraged.
"Like, move! Out of my way old people!" Jessica was recklessly pushing through.
"Watch it young lady!" Malcolm almost toppled off.
Judy and Gunhilda moved out of the way but James had his back turned and Jessica collided with him. Jessica fell off the sign and James pushed against Carol who bumped into Hilbert and Hilbert himself fell in the middle of the Y, his Pogo stick got wedged and it slammed against his groin.
"Mommy!" He squealed and fell off, clutching his crotch.
"Fool!" Gunhilda cursed under her breath.
Mandy had been chasing her but stopped when she saw Jessica pushing against those in front of her. She was laughing hard.
"El Oh EL." Mandy mocked." Dumb carrot girl made a fool of herself. Teach you to mess with the Half Sisters!"
"UHHH!" Jessica huffed.
(Team Confessionals)
Gypsies
Gunhilda: My patience is getting tested. I almost placed a hex on her already.
Leticia: You must wait Gunhilda, you know placing curses on our foes costs you your energy and you won't be able to cast another one for some time.
Gunhilda: I know that. It is not easy though to resist teaching those impudent brats a lesson they shall never forget.
Leticia: Soon my dear, soon.
"Alright, here goes." Bob gathered the courage and took a leap.
Only it wasn't a good one and he slipped on the slope of the O and fell between the letters.
"About Tieowm." Helen quickly made her way over the letters and down the ladder.
"Are you alright Bob?" Linda stood in front of a crumpled Bob.
"Oh, Uh, yes, yes I am now." He quickly got himself up and dusted himself.
"Well good, now you can try again since no one is behind you, you can take your time." She smiled.
He flushed." Yeah I guess that's right. Wouldn't wanna hold up anyone else right?"
"That's the spirit. Hurry up and maybe you can catch up." She offered." Oh, here comes Carol, see you in the Chill Zone."
"This is ridiculous." Carol jogged to Linda." We are breaking so many laws and the day one isn't over yet."
"I'm sure there'll be enough time to go through his legal measures when we're on the plane. For now, let's just get a move on to the airport." Linda urged.
James came panting as he dropped down from the ladder. Jessie was waiting for him.
"About time James! My feet were getting tired here waiting for you." She put her hands on her hips.
"What was I thinking? Waiting must have been exhausting for you." He rolled his eyes.
"Yes it was, now let's move!" Jessie frowned.
(Team Confessionals)
Neighbors
Bob: There goes first place for us. Now we can't impress them with that.
Jim: Don't sweat it neighbor. It ain't over yet.
Bob: Yeah well don't jinx it neighbor.
Jim: If we hurry, we can maybe beat the Clown and Mime, they seem unlucky enough.
Over in the airport, the Pirate and First Mate were just arriving.
"Dar she blows! I see the runway. Hop to it Carl!" Roscoe charged ahead.
On their way were a tollbooth and a guard. The Pirate and First mate stopped at it. Besides their ID, he demanded 5 flags as payment.
"Arrr, there be your payment gate guardian, now open the way I command thee." Roscoe spoke.
The guard lifted the gate and the Pirate and First Mate ran up to Chris who was waiting for them at the chill zone.
"Congratulations, you are the first to make it here!" Chris greeted.
"Marvelous! Tonight we shall celebrate with rum!" Roscoe put an arm around Carl's shoulder and laughed heartily.
"We sure will cap'n." Carl smiled as he saw Roscoe pleased with the turnout.
The Adrenaline Junkies ran out of the cab quickly. They paid the guard and raced to the chill zone.
"Second place Adrenaline Junkies, not quite first but great too!" Chris grinned.
Troy and Alexis walked up to the Pirate and First Mate. Carl expected a standoff but he was relieved to see Troy extend his hand.
"Well played guys." Troy grinned broadly.
"Yeah, but now you guys have some competitive rivals, us." Alexis smirked.
"Competing buccaneers eh? Bring it on!" Roscoe shook hands with Troy.
(Team Confessionals)
Adrenaline Junkies
Alexis: That Pirate is gonna be a challenge. I like challenges!
Troy: You're not thinking of cheating on me are you?
Alexis: Gosh no, though he is cute!
Troy: …
Alexis: Kidding! You're the only captain I need babe.
Troy: I better be.
More teams were getting in the last taxi ride to the airport. Only five teams were still on the second task. Some of the ones jumping weren't making it easier for anyone to cross and there was a lot of falling going on. Hilbert, Jessica and Mandy were all causing trouble by either pushing through, blocking the path or in the case of Hilbert, spraying water from the flower on his jacket, thus causing the Pogo sticks to slip. Currently, Hilbert was in the lead followed by Niles then Bob then Jessica and Mandy in last.
"Gentlemen, ladies, I implore you, cease your roughhousing. These constant slips and tumbles are uncomfortable to say the least." Niles pled.
"I have to agree with the butler. It's pretty painful and annoying. Do you guys really wanna be back in the bottom five?" Bob asked.
"They started it." Hilbert said.
"Nu-uh!" Mandy denied.
Jessica was too busy fumbling with her phone.
"Get on with it Hilbert." Sally called out from below.
It got less chaotic as Jessica was distracted with her phone. Hilbert, Niles and then Bob all made it across and down the D with their flags.
"Oh Em Gee, Josie, I like, totally lost because I was such an idiot and didn't do the challenge." Mandy mocked as she passed Jessica.
"Hey, that's not what I was typing." Jessica raised her head and then realized she was the only one left on the sign." Hey where'd they all go?"
No one else was there other than Sarah who was also busy typing away below.
"Someone say something?" Sarah asked distractedly without looking up.
"Sarah, oh my gosh, for reals, we're like in last place or something." Jessica said as she picked up the pace and finished the sign.
"Hey I see those annoying sisters getting a cab, hurry, we might still catch them." Sarah said as she started running to get a taxi.
(Team Confessionals)
Clown and Mime
Sally: Do you want us to lose? You know we'll be back to our crappy jobs if we lose.
Hilbert: Cut me some slack woman! I made it out of the bottom three didn't I?
Sally: So generous of you.
Hilbert: Oh shut up. I didn't see you doing anything productive all day.
The Kid and Nanny arrived to the airport. Billy excitedly ran to the guard, Annie following him shortly.
"But I just had them." Billy was looking in his pockets.
"What, what is it?" Annie asked.
"The flags. They're gone. I had them with me but they're gone." Billy looked up at her.
"Did you drop them somewhere? Now what?" Annie looked around.
The guard pointed at the far ends of the airport where flags were lined up on a fence. They had to run all the way to it and bring back five flags as payment.
"Aww man!" Billy whined.
"It's okay Billy, everyone makes mistakes." Annie babied.
As they turned around and started running in the direction of the flags, the Air Guitarists showed up.
"Aww yeah bro, we made it!" Rex fist-bumped Jake.
The guard told them the same thing as the Kid and Nanny though because of the lack of flags.
"Oops. Guess I missed those." Rex rubbed the back of his head.
Another cab arrived, dropping off the Bully and Geek.
"Cool!" Andy marveled.
Dirk smacked his head.
"Don't just stand there." Dirk ordered.
"Okay! Sheesh, you don't have to be so rough." Andy jogged behind Dirk.
They got to the guard and presented their flags. The guard let them pass and they ran to the chill zone.
"Bronze for the Bully!" Chris smirked.
"Awesome!" Dirk ignored." See bambi? That's how following my orders gets us the win."
"But… nevermind." Andy dropped it.
(Team Confessionals)
Bully and Geek
Dirk: Yeah, I rule! Air heads and babysitter drool!
Andy: I guess third place is pretty cool, and we got to do some awesome things like the monkey bars and seeing the Hollywood sign up close.
Dirk: Boring. Winning is the only fun part, and watching that crazy cat lady scare that guy into peeing his pants.
Andy: Uh sure, that too.
The Cat Lady and Cat, the Lawyers and the Cosplayers all showed up and finished in 4th, 5th, and 6th respectively.
"Take a look James, the Kid and his Nanny aren't done yet, they had to get more flags. Hehehe." Jessie whispered.
"Ingenious move on your part Jessie." James snickered.
The Gypsies showed up while the Kid and Nanny finally handed the guard the flags they gathered again. They rushed to the chill zone seconds before the Gypsies. The Air Guitarists soon came back as well.
"Dude, from third to… I don't even know what rank we got. We screwed up." Rex berated himself.
"We didn't lose, so that's something to be proud of." Jake offered.
"Yeah, you're totally right. I should be happy about that." Rex nodded." We're in for another day!"
Two more teams arrived, the Doctor and Nurse as well as Husband and Mother-In-Law. Only five remained.
"It's getting close!" Chris announced.
Three cars showed up at once. Out came rushing the Clown and Mime, Housekeeper and Butler, and Neighbors. The Clown and Mime were the first to pass the guard.
"Aren't you two gonna let us pass because you know, you guys are humble and all?" Jim asked as he ran side by side to the Housekeeper an Butler.
"Not this time sir." Niles refused.
The Housekeeper and Butler made it a second before the Neighbors.
"What took you guys?" Linda asked the men.
"Angry teen girls and a disgruntled clown." Bob replied.
"And Bob's ineptitude with Pogo sticks or heights or both." Jim added.
"Hurts neighbor!" Bob turned to him disapprovingly.
(Team Confessionals)
Neighbors
Bob: What was that all about neighbor?
Jim: My bad. Just trying to smooth things over with the ladies.
Bob: Not over my expense. You'll end up taking both of them and leave nothing for me.
Jim: Oh no, I only have my eyes on one of them.
Bob: Same here. Shame we came so far down the ranks. We lost our shot at impressing them.
Jim: There's always next time.
(Team Confessionals)
Kid and Nanny
Billy: I know I had the flags with me. I know it!
Annie: I told you it's alright. They must have fallen out of your pocket in the taxi or something.
Billy: Nu-uh. Someone took them.
Annie: Let's not jump to conclusions Billy. Let it go, we got in seventh and that's pretty good.
Billy: 3rd is better.
The final two teams arrived within seconds of each other. The Half Sisters came running out of the cab. The Phone Addicts too went out of the taxi albeit slower because Sarah still had to look at her phone. No one was particularly cheering for them.
"Maya, don't you go weak on me now sis." Mandy called back.
"I'm fine. Don't stop!" Maya responded.
They got to the guard and impatiently waited till he opened the gate. The Phone Addicts were right behind them. The Sisters passed through. The other girls tried to but the guard let down the gate.
"Hey, not cool mister man. Can you even lift this thing? Like please." Sarah huffed.
"Here, take these stupid things. Now hurry!" Jessica urged.
"15th place! Goes to the Half-Sisters." Chris called out as the sisters reached him.
The Phone Addicts got to Chris on the chill zone.
"Girls, you came in last. Say adios because you won't be going anywhere with us." Chris smirked.
"No way! You're totally pulling my leg Chris." Sarah gasped.
"Really? Is this legit?" Jessica's jaw dropped." Josie, you won't believe this."
She took out her phone and started typing.
Elimination Montage
Footage showed clips from the Phone Addicts' day in California. There was a sound of clicking accompanying it. It was coming from them as they clicked on their phones.
"We totally got cheated. We were so gonna win today." Sarah said.
"Chyeah, those sisters messed everything up. What a pair of bimbos!" Jessica sneered.
"Whateva! Daddy will take me around the world. I don't need this dump anyway." Sarah whined.
"Me neither girl." Jessica joined.
Team Placements
1st: Pirate and First Mate
2nd: Adrenaline Junkies
3rd: Bully and Geek
4th: Cat Lady and Cat
5th: Lawyers
6th: Cosplayers
7th: Kid and Nanny
8th: Gypsies
9th: Air Guitarists
10th: Doctor and Nurse
11th: Husband and Mother-In-Law
12th: Clown and Mime
13th: Housekeeper and Butler
14th: Neighbors
15th: Half Sisters
16th: Phone Addicts (Eliminated)
There you have it. I hope it met the expectations and managed to entertain you guys. Since I'm not overly sure how it will go, I'd appreciate it if you guys pointed out to me what I did either wrong or right. If I find that the comments were true about a team or something in the format, I'll work on bettering it. I'm trying to stick to the Ridonculous Race format. I'll be posting a Poll right after I post this. Head to my profile to check it out.
Here's a brief description of some of the teams to help you visualize them better.
Adrenaline Junkies: Are always dressed in skydiving gear. They have athletic builds and lively faces.
Air Guitarists: Pretty much your typical rocker look, as I described them in the chapter.
Bully and Geek: One small, one big, but one year apart.
Cat Lady and Cat: For the Cat Lady, just picture the crazy cat lady from the Simpsons. That's basically how I imagine her. For the cat, if you've seen the film Coraline, the black cat in it is the closest in looks and mannerisms.
Clown and Mime: Typical clown look for Hilbert, but his face isn't as cheery as a clown's should be, he's slightly on the chubby side. Sally is thin, and as described. She has short hair.
Cosplayers: No they will not be Team Rocket for the rest of the competition.
Doctor and Nurse: Not much to describe here. The Doctor is always in his white coat and the nurse is always in her orderly outfit.
Gypsies: Old, on the fat side, brown, look poor though might not be. Lots of accessories and baubles on them.
Half-Sisters: One's a redhead, the other is a ginger. They look like each other a bit.
Housekeeper and Butler: Niles is based on Niles from The Nanny (1990s). Martha is based on Mrs. White in Clue (the maid, not the one in the newer version).
Husband and Mother-In-Law: I keep imagining Numbuh 2's grandmother from Kids Next Door for Bertha for some reason.
Kid and Nanny: If you've seen the Nanny Diaries, Annie is pretty much her.
Lawyers: The Good Wife anyone? Alicia for Linda, Diane for Carol.
Neighbors: Their appearances kind of bring the image of Dexter's dad to my mind (Dexter's Laboratory). Their interactions remind me of Tim and Wilson from Home Improvement.
Phone Addicts: Enough said.
Pirate and First Mate: Well, a pirate. A blond one who underneath the blemishes of a pirate life, can look actually good. Carl is not blond though and has a leaner smaller build.