"Dan?"

"Yeah?"

"Which tie should I wear?" Phil stumbled into my room, looking flustered.

"What about your red one?" I asked, remembering what he looked like in it…

"No – everyone's seen that one already. And it makes my eyes look weird…" He was just being picky now. He was in his suit, his white shirt on already. I looked down at his feet to see what he was wearing. I hate wearing oversmart shoes. Or undersmart for that matter. I blinked in disbelief.

"Phil!"

"What?" He seemed genuinely bewildered.

"You can't wear odd socks!"

"Why not?" He did that cute thing he does, where he stands up a bit straighter and pulls his head back. His eyes widened. He looked so innocent!

"Well, it- it's just….never mind," I was stumbling over my words, I couldn't think of a decent explanation. "What other ties do you have?"

"Well I have a purple thick one, a purple skinny one, a red skinny one which I'm not wearing, and a black skinny one."

"The black one. It'll match your hair and it'll suit your eyes."

Phil looked at me and raised his eyebrows. I panicked. I didn't mean to say that. I didn't mean to say that.

"Do you have any idea how camp you sounded just then?" He was laughably unimpressed. Close call though. We smiled cheekily at each other, Phil's eyes twinkling. I checked my phone, needing to get out of the moment before my heart exploded. Half an hour 'till we had to leave.

"So where's your tie?" I enquired.

"It should be in my drawer, I'll just go get it!" And he was off out the door.

I span around to look in my mirror. Breathing out slowly, I focused on myself, checking my hair, practising a smile.

"Oh my God! Oh My God! Dan! It's not there! Where is it? Oh God! Have you seen it?!" His hair was tousled like bed hair, his eyes were wide and his palm was flat against his forehead. He looked like stress personified. I told him to calm down.

I strolled over to him, placing my hands on his shoulders, and breathed deeply and relaxingly, so that he copied. I looked into his eyes so that he would follow my lead. It seemed to work. Our breaths were in time now, relief after his loud, shaky ones. I think he's fine now. I think you can move away. But I couldn't. I was frozen. He was looking me directly in the eye too. It was refreshing. Something flickered in his eyes…and then he blinked. I took my hands back and cleared my throat…well, I tried to but of course it didn't work – there was an immovable block clogging it up. Not an uncomfortable one, merely one that meant something that I didn't want it to.

UNNACCEPTABLE!

Yes, brain. I know it's unacceptable.

UNNACCEPTABLE!

Shut up now. It's not funny.

UNNACCEPTABLE!

Obviously Phil had been thinking the same thing, because usually he answered his phone on the first ring.

"Hello? Oh, hey Peej! No, we don't know yet…No. We'll leave in a minute…Thanks! Say thanks to Chris from us too. Yeah…Bye! We'll tell you as soon as we know…Mhmmm…Kay! Bye!" When he hung up, I walked out. I was on my way to Phil's room. He couldn't NOT wear a tie tonight. It just wouldn't work. I was on a rampage. I was opening drawers and tossing things behind me. I was slamming doors and knocking things over. I finally found the skinny black tie in his bottom drawer. As I turned around, grasping it in victory, I saw the mess that I had made. It appeared as if a bomb had landed in his bedroom. Shit. Hmmm…Maybe if I got him his shoes and handed him his tie outside he wouldn't notice until we got back…and then I could deal with it. But we didn't have time now. I turned towards the door, still clutching Phil's tie tightly, and stopped. Phil was leaning against the doorframe, his body looking oddly agile. He looked really…long when he stood like that, his black hair flopping into his eyes. I bit my lip. He didn't look like he was acting cold…but people change moods without others even noticing, right?

I just walked towards the door, expecting him to move, but he didn't.

"Erm…I have you tie…?" I commented, unsure of what his reaction would be.

"Thanks." He stood up and pulled it aroundhis neck, fastening it the way he showed me. It was wonky. Leaving socks on his bed and leaving his bed unmade, I could deal with…but wonky tis is a no-go. But he was turning around. He was going to leave. With a wonky tie on. So I tackled him.

We were on the floor, Phil flailing his arms about. When I had gotten off of him, he just looked at me, shocked.

"What the hell Dan?!" He spluttered.

"Your tie was wonky…"

"You only had to say!" He yelled…

I felt myself blushing. Looking down at the floor, I fought the wave of embarrassment that threatened to swallow me. I wasn't thinking straight. I was tired, excited…and more than a little bit crushed today.

"Dan?"

I looked up.

"Are you okay?"

I looked him in the eye.

"Honestly?" I asked.

Honestly. Honestly because it wasn't worth it. Honestly because if he didn't want to know, I wouldn't tell him. Honestly because I wasn't sure he was prepared for this. Honestly because I couldn't lose him.

"Honestly." He replied, appearing concerned.

"Honestly, I'm not. Honestly, I don't think I can keep it anymore. I'm not fine. But I can't change that 'cos it might mean losing everything. So, honestly, no."

"Dan?"

"Yeah?"

"We have to go."

So after I'd straightened his tie, and done my own, we brushed our teeth, put our polished shoes on, and we headed out the door.

Somewhere on the journey I heard Phil say,

"Dan? Can I borrow your headphones please?"

"Can't you use your own?" I was still slightly irritated.

"I'm sorry Dan."

"Yeah, s'fine."

"Dan! Will you just fucking listen to me?!"

I stiffened in shock. Phillip Michael Lester was swearing. He grabbed my shoulder and twisted me around.

I just stared at him, something pricking at the back of my eyes. I bit my tongue , my chin sticking out. I couldn't look at him directly, so I just looked upwards, my body facing him.

"I fucking love you Dan. But I can't let people hurt you. They can't call you a faggot. They can't call you a poof or whatever the fuck they call gay people. They can't hurt you, because I would have to hurt them, and tehn I wouldn't be here to protect you anymore. And you might think you don't need protecting- but that's bullsh…that's rubbish."

I bit my lip and looked him in the eyes. His eyes were safe.

"I fucking love you too, you twat." And then it was blissfully perfect. And I was safe.