The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters has run off and joined a union. Believe it or not, some companies actually have training videos discouraging people to form unions. Not surprising this office is one of them. For good reasons.
Office Training Video: Unions
"Boy we did a lot of these training videos," Krieger went through some tapes in his lab.
"You did the training videos," Ray gave him a look as he munched on some popcorn. "I was never asked!"
"Did you want to do them?" Krieger asked.
"I just wanted to be asked," Ray admitted.
"Oh here's a good one," Krieger put another one in.
"The definition of good is rather flexible," Ray grumbled as the opening credits to the video were shown. "The one where Lana killed that guy pretending to be a ninja is rather disturbing."
"To be fair we really should have told her that he wasn't a real ninja," Krieger admitted. "Oh here it comes!"
"What about unions?" Krieger's voice was heard above the title on screen.
"There are people who say that unions protect your rights as workers," Krieger said. "It is this office's official opinion you don't really have that many rights as workers."
"Testify," Ray grumbled.
"Honestly this office isn't really good at this sort of thing," Krieger on screen added. "For one thing you can't picket this place. The last time we tried that everyone thought we were being racist and picketing the cleaners."
"Is that when you guys tried to unionize?" Ray asked. "And Archer and Lana agreed to give up their bonuses to pay you guys?"
"Pretty much," Krieger said as images of people throwing bottles at the picket line was shown. "Where were you?"
"On a mission which I thought would pay for a new bathroom remodel," Ray grumbled. "Until I got back and learned that Lana and Archer negotiated my bonus away!"
"Oh right," Krieger said. "All the other agents weren't happy about that."
"No, we were not," Ray grumbled.
"Probably explains why twenty agents just up and quit that month," Krieger remembered.
"Well that and this…" Ray pointed to the video.
"Also any whiff of dissent or union uprisings will be squashed by Mallory Archer herself," Krieger said on screen. "As our cleaning staff learned the hard way."
"Oh sweet Jesus," Ray winced as the cleaning staff was brutally killed by the elevator.
"How's that for Bread and Roses?" Mallory was seen crowing on screen.
"Looking at it now, I can kind of see how that might make some people nervous," Krieger admitted.
"It's bad enough when you're a spy and people are trying to kill you at work," Ray remarked. "But when your boss could kill you in your own office…"
"I'm amazed you didn't leave," Krieger remarked.
"Guess I was born without common sense," Ray groaned.
"Lucky you!" Krieger beamed.
Krieger was then shown again onscreen. "We've set up a little skit to show you how to properly handle any future situations where someone might want to organize a union."
It cut to a scene of a thin nervous looking man held a cue card as he stood in front of Pam in a hallway. "Go ahead Ted," Pam said. "Just read your lines."
"I've never acted before," Ted told Pam. "I've always had bad stage fright. Like something horrible is going to happen."
"What could happen? Just man up and do it already!" Pam told him.
"Okay," Ted read from the card. "Say fellow co-worker. Have you thought about organizing a union?"
"I KNEW IT!" Mallory Archer was heard shouting.
Just then a bullet sailed through Ted's head from the back. Pam screamed as he fell down dead.
"I always knew you were a backstabbing little communist weasel," Mallory entered the scene with a gun in her hand. "Say hello to Trotsky for me Comrade!"
"Ms. Archer! Ted was only just playing a union rep!" Pam shouted. "He wasn't a real one!" Pam shouted.
"What?" Mallory blinked.
"It was for the training videos you told us to make!" Pam shouted. "You killed Ted for no reason. Not to mention made a mess on the carpet."
"Well no one told me about it!" Mallory shouted. "I didn't know you were doing that today!"
"See? That's just what happened to me!" Lana was heard shouting off screen.
"This is what happened with you?" Mallory asked. "Oh right. The fake ninja thing. Oh. I can see now how that would happen."
"Told you it wasn't my fault," Lana grumbled off camera.
"The camera is right there!" Cyril walked over and pointed to the camera. "How could you not see it?"
"I was busy managing you morons!" Mallory whirled on the others. "What is wrong with you idiots? You should tell people about these things! Now we have another mess to clean up!"
"Well at least this one isn't as messy as the elevator incident," Pam remarked. "I mean yeah there's some brain on the carpet but still…"
"Which reminds me," Mallory said. "Krieger you got rid of the footage of those cleaning women being killed right?"
"Yup, yup, yup," Krieger said cheerfully off camera.
"Good. The last thing I need is some kind of lawsuit from some hippie pro-union group," Mallory grumbled.
"Not to mention the police," Cyril gave her a look. "For you know? Murder?"
"Ehhh…" Mallory shrugged. "Ugh. This body is making a mess already. Someone call the cleaning ladies to…Oh. Right."
Krieger was shown on screen. "So to answer your question, don't even talk about unions! It might just save your life! And at the very least keep the carpet clean around here."
"Starting to think that maybe me not being in any of these videos isn't such a bad thing after all," Ray winced.