Living Through This -

This is my first Rent fic. I don't own a thing - these characters completely 100 percent belong to Jonathan Larson - who was amazing in my opinion, the best. Anyway - this is going to be a story about how the group yet again pulls together when they lose someone. This is going to be told from Roger's point of View unless it gets too complicated or I feel like writing as someone else. I am always open to suggestions - even though I kinda have the plot outlined already, but who ever actually stays with the plan all of the time.The title is still subject to change - if you have an suggestions please leave them . Anyway on to the story I hope you like it...

Roger's Point of View

I was sitting out on the fire escape. I was star gazing to a point, there was only so many stars that were allowed to make it through the harsh city glow of neon and crome. The past year had gone fairly well , nothing extreme had happened until about a month ago. Mimi was getting sicker, and sicker by the day now. It was unspoken between us now that it would only be a matter of time. This virus had already taken its toll on everyone and we knew sadly that the outcome of this wouldn't be good.

As I was sitting outside in the cool December air , everything finally was catching up to me in that moment. There was so much going on in my head it was overwhelming and numbing all at the same time. I didn't know what to do and I soon realized that this whole situation was completely out of my control. I was spinning out of control slowly and at the same time it was rapidly free falling. I was reminded about how Angel had slipped away from all of us and the same looming threat was now present with Mimi. I didn't think I could handle losing any more people , I didn't think that any of us could at this point.

Memories flooded back of April, finding April that night, finding out about having HIV, meeting and then losing Angel - as much as Angel was full of happiness and hope and wouldn't want us to dwell on her death, it still was a fresh wound and seemed to open up from time to time. I don't know how Collins can stand to be in the apartment, when Mimi is sick, it reminds me about how Angel was when she was sick those last few months. I wouldn't be ableto do it then again, Collins was the strongest out of all of us. I admired him greatly for that strength among many other things. Collins had moved back in with us not too long after Angel's death but at first he had been away because of work as soon as Mimi had gotten sick he returned and offered us support. So there was four of us back in the apartment again.

Mimi had moved into my room and Mark and Collins had their own rooms. The setup reminded me of how things were when I had first moved in with Mark and Collins just because we all seemed to be there at the same time again just hanging out with each other. Maureen and Joanne were also constants in the loft as much as they could be. But they had become a lot closer with Mimi so it was the girls and the guys when they all hung out now. It was comfortable for everyone and then Mimi had gotten sick.

I felt overwhelmed, and defeated at that moment from all of the memories. I rested my head in my hands, resisting the urge to get up and run away from everything. I wanted to be alone and at the same time that very thought terrified me. I was outside only because Mimi had fallen asleep normally I would not have left her but I need to take a breath. The gentle breeze of the night caressed the tears that were beginning to fall when I picked up my head. I heard the window behind me open. I was unsure as to who it was so I stayed silent.

"Hey, Roger" Collins said softly. I was glad it was him and not anyone else. Collins understood me sometimes in ways that I didn't even understand myself. He knew what I was going through right now he had gone through the same thing with Angel. The understanding and compassion seemed to flow freely from him surrounding me, completely comforting me. He didn't ask me how I was because he already knew the answer, he just stood behind me letting me know he was there. I didn't turn around to face him because if I had looked him in the eyes I would have broke. I think Collins knew that I was crying because he put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it gently.

Then it happened that dam that was holding me together just broke. I started sobbing and Collins stayed next to me and let it happen. He knew that I needed this , that it needed to happen away from Mimi. I had to deal with this myself if I could be any help to her when the time came. Collins pulled me close and just comforted me. My head found his shoulder and I just cried. Collins didn't pacify me with false hopes that everything would work out and that everything would be fine. In reality we both knew that might not be the truth and there was no reason to lie about it. Collins did however reassure me that I wasn't alone and that no one would leave me without support. Collins knew that I needed that unconditional support and love. He held me against him until I had calmed down and the tears had subsided.

"I'll go check on Mimi, you take as much time as you need." Collins said before he reentered the window. I stayed outside for a little while longer , talking to Angel. Since Mimi had gotten sick, I had been doing that alot more. When I was scared or just feeling like I would need to talk I would talk to Angel, not necessarily verbally but in my mind. It was like old times , I would be sitting on our couch in the loft talking to her. That feeling that someone was there just spiritually comforted me. I watched Collins walk to my door and peek his head in and since he didn't enter the room I assumed that it meant Mimi was still asleep and fine .

I reentered the loft to find everyone gathered in the "living room" of sorts that we had. They were all silent once I had walked in so I figured that it meant they had been talking about earlier when Collins had come outside. I didn't care though, they were just concerned. All of them had been helpful and supportive in their own ways. Whether it was Mark fooling around with his camera to help get Mimi to laugh, Maureen with her constant dramatic stories to entertain and fill the dull moments , Joanne helping us with cleaning up around the loft when we needed it, Collins was always there for when I needed a break or Mimi needed to talk . I am so grateful for all of them.

As I was gathering my thoughts I was walking around the kitchen getting medication for Mimi and a glass of water to take to our room. I took my AZT and then walked past the group to my door. As I was opening it Mimi had begun to cough, Collins asked if we needed anything and I replied no, I heard Mark sighing as I was shutting the door.

"Hey , baby" I said quietly. Mimi opened her eyes and looked up at me "Hi" she responded weakly.

Okay I know - cliffhanger ending but I just wanted to get this out there and see the response. So please Review - it would make my day. The next chapter is already underway and almost done so it should be up in the next few days. I hope you liked it so please Read and Review.