Disclaimer: We do not own and are not affiliated with AMC or The Walking Dead or the characters contained therein.
A/N: This is a T-Dog x Daryl fic, but there is a small thread of Carol x Daryl throughout.
Winter was going to win. Not the cold, though the temperature was hovering just above freezing. He had layers for that. Shirts with actual sleeves and a leather jacket and a decent sleeping bag when it came time to make camp.
No, it wasn't the cold. It was the dark. The never-ending, blacker than black, starless world they were forced to endure as the clouds filled the winter sky and blotted out even the brightest bit of moonlight. An eternal night that stretched longer and longer, barely giving in to the short punctuations of daylight. The darkness was so vast it could be generous in its offerings. It was plentiful. Plenty of opportunities to make a mistake that could cost lives. Plenty of chances to think. Plenty of time to just have to sit and be.
Daryl hated it. Loathed every single oppressive second of not being able to do anything but blink and stare and try to figure out if that was a shadow moving out in front of him or his eyes merely playing tricks. Wanted to crawl out of his skin from being forced to stay in one place for so many hours in a row because it wasn't safe to move without daylight.
He'd started taking second watch every night, the hardest one for most the of the group, because it was the one most of them had to wake up for after only a few hours of precious sleep. He took it because sleep so often refused to come in that infernal darkness, eluding him until he'd worn himself out so completely that his body would overrule his mind and shut down in self-preservation.
Tonight was no exception. It was probably another hour until he needed to get up for watch, but he shrugged off the sleeping bag. A low murmur beside him let him know that Carol had stirred, but not woken, as he made his way past the group and out of the ransacked hardware store they were crashing in. No matter how the group arranged themselves at night, she always ended up between him and Lori. It didn't even seem to be on purpose. It just was. And as long as he didn't think about it much, he didn't mind.
"I'm up. You can head back if you want," Daryl told T-Dog as he approached. He flipped off the small flashlight he'd used to make his way to the man at the edge of the gravel parking lot, not wanting to attract company.
"Time already?" T-Dog asked.
"Couldn't sleep. No point in both of us bein' awake."
Daryl could feel the scrutiny levied in his direction, even if he couldn't see it. His skin prickled under it.
"Just go, man," he said.
"Something you wanna talk about?" T-Dog asked. "Third time in a couple weeks you took over early."
"Nothin' to talk about. Just can't sleep with all that snorin' in there," Daryl answered.
The big man slapped his shoulder goodbye and headed toward the store. The crunch of gravel grew softer and Daryl heard the door latch quietly into place. He was alone again. Just him and darkness, unfurled forever out in front of him, nipping at his heels from behind. Whispers of terrible things started swirling around him, threatening to show him images he wouldn't be able to blink away. Things he should have done something about. Like a drunk with a belt. Or a hand on a rooftop. Or a little girl in a barn.
The whispers were interrupted by a moan, low and distant. Then another higher-pitched one, a little closer. He knew that sound anywhere. They all did. And for once he was grateful for walkers. It was something he could do without needing to think. He cautiously flipped the light toward the sounds. Five of them were ambling along the road, still fairly far out, but they picked up speed when the light shone their way. They were clumped together and handling them alone could get dicey, so he jogged across the lot and pulled open the door.
"T? Still awake?" he whispered. He heard shuffling, then T-Dog appeared at the door. "Walkers. Handful of 'em."
They headed across the lot, far from the door, and Daryl flicked the flashlight on again. He let it shine on the walkers for a second so the other man could assess the situation, then rolled the light away on the ground. The dead flocked toward it, drawn toward the only shiny bit of brightness within their otherwise blank canvas. The men waited until the time was right, then started from the back of the bunch, knives swinging and eliminating the threat. Daryl took out his second walker and pivoted, about to aim for the third he planned to put down. An arm grabbed at him and he swung hard toward it.
"Whoa! D, it's me," T-Dog jumped away. The walker Daryl was targeting already lay in a heap at their feet.
"Sorry," Daryl said, looking around frantically in case one of the walkers got behind them somehow. The adrenaline coursed through his veins and it felt good to be physical, to take out some vengeance on the night, but it hadn't been nearly enough. He had far more left in him, but he never could seem to beat the night at its own game.
"It's alright," T-Dog said. Daryl nodded and bent for the flashlight, lungs still huffing rapidly as he swept it around the landscape for another check before conceding the incident was over and flipping it off again.
"'kay. Thanks for the hand," he said, waiting for the big man to leave him alone again.
"Yeah, sure. You, uh… you gonna be alright out here?" T-Dog asked.
"Don't see more walkers," Daryl answered.
"Not worried about them," the big man said. "You're all amped up, man."
"I'm fine," Daryl said, his irritation growing. "Said I was sorry."
"Look… I get it. It's hard on all of us, being on the road. Trying to keep everyone safe. You gotta find a release for that, D."
Daryl glowered at him, realizing it would go unseen, but fuck it. They'd all seen the look often enough T-Dog could probably figure it was pointed at him anyway.
"Something besides putting down walkers," T-Dog continued. "You know, Carol is a fine-lookin' woman…"
Daryl couldn't see him, but he zeroed in on his voice, grabbing T-Dog's shirt and pushing him back until they both slammed into door of the old pickup truck parked with the other vehicles in their caravan.
"It ain't like that!"
"Whoa whoa whoa, man! Okay. Chill. Just thought you two were, uh, together or something," T-Dog said rapidly, holding Daryl's arms so he wouldn't take a swing.
"We ain't together. She's just…." He couldn't find the right words, but what the hell was he doing trying to explain anyhow? "Don't matter what she is. Don't talk 'bout her like that."
"I didn't mean disrespect. I would never… I love Carol," T-Dog said.
Daryl tensed again, thinking of how bloody T's face would be in a minute.
T-Dog felt the shift and gripped Daryl's arms harder to keep them still, but his voice softened. "Got a lot of anger in you."
"The fuck you know about it? You don't know nothin' 'bout me." Daryl wrenched his arms away and paced a small circle, staying close enough to throw a punch if the mood struck him again.
He heard the big man sigh. "You're right. I don't, but I know anger. Had a lot of it myself, back before all this happened. Anger… and hate."
"You and everyone else I know," Daryl replied.
"Yeah, except mine was all for me. I wanted to change, be someone else, but I couldn't. No matter how much I wanted that, I was still me, and I hated myself for it. And that anger… it was always there, just below the surface. Coming out when I didn't mean it to. Making me lash out at people I loved."
Daryl stopped pacing, trying to figure a way out of this conversation. Heart to hearts were not his thing, especially when people were thinking they would somehow be helping him. Even more so when their words were uncomfortably familiar.
"Look, I'm not gonna get all preachy on you here. I just think you might want to channel that, before someone gets hurt. Anger blinds you. You do stupid shit like swing knives at people's heads," T-Dog said.
"Whatever."
"Suit yourself. Telling you now, though, those people in there are counting on you. And that ain't fair, but that's the way of it. So if you care about keeping them alive, you'll think about it. If you care about Carol-"
"Why you keep bringin' her up? You got a thing for her or somethin'?" Daryl snapped.
T-Dog laughed. "I said I loved her, but you're way off-base, man. All that anger I was talking about? It's because being a gay black man in the south isn't exactly a life many people would choose, and it pissed me off that it was exactly who I am."
"Gay?"
"Yeah, gay. You gonna be like your brother and throw some choice names at me? Go ahead. Won't bother me. I'm good with who I am now," T-Dog said.
"I ain't Merle," Daryl replied. He definitely wasn't Merle. Not when it came to a lot of things, and not when it came to this. The darkness offered him a memory, and he tried to refuse, but after allowing him a minor victory with the walkers tonight, it forced the issue.
"Tweaker tried to suck me off for more product," Merle laughed as he wiped the blood from his knuckles. "You believe that shit?" Daryl forced himself to laugh, too, but he'd woken up that morning sprawled across a mattress between the tweaker and his junkie girlfriend. And when he felt hands unzip his jeans, felt a mouth on him, drawing him out of his hangover-tinged sleep, he assumed it was her and went along for the ride. It wasn't until he was halfway to coming that he reached down and felt the short haircut, opened his eyes and saw the tweaker looking back up at him while he took Daryl deeper in his mouth.
Daryl just stared at him, in disbelief at first, then with curiosity, and then excitement pulsed through him as he watched that mouth taking him and he came hard. The tweaker swallowed and licked him clean, then slid Daryl's shirt upward and kissed his way up his abdomen, his chest. Touching after sex wasn't something Daryl did, but he was more than curious now. He was liking it, and nervous, and completely uncertain of the strange flutter in his stomach that had persisted even after his climax.
The other man smiled at him and kissed his lips, slipping his tongue into Daryl's mouth, giving him a taste of what he'd just had. His mouth felt good, different from a woman's… but good, and so did the man's body on top of him. Daryl kissed him back, sliding his hands down, kneading his ass as the tweaker ground against him until they heard the girlfriend starting to stir from sleep.
It was only then Daryl pushed him away, getting up and waking Merle so they could leave. And ten minutes later, there Merle was, laughing as the tweaker lay on the floor with a black eye and a bloody mouth, his girlfriend screaming at them to get out.
"Merle knew?" Daryl asked, pushing away the images in his head.
"Don't think so. He had some interesting things to say to Andrea when she turned him down, though. Jacqui knew. Glenn knows, but it's not like it's something that comes up often these days. I was in the closet before all this, but once it all went down, I realized it didn't matter. Who we are… it ain't like that anymore. You stay alive, keep other people alive, then you're doing alright. Simple as that. Knowing that just kind of made the rest okay. Funny how the world went to hell, and freed me from mine."
Daryl started pacing again. His hell went a lot deeper than anything this new world could fix. Keeping people alive, well that helped keep him alive, but it wasn't some magic bullet for driving away the things the darkness wanted to show him. His mind started wandering again as he paced. Even with T-Dog there, he couldn't seem to shut it down. He kicked at the gravel, sending a spray of it toward the road, wishing more walkers would come along so he could vent his rage against them.
"Hey, careful now," T-Dog said. "Whatever's going on in that head of yours, it ain't worth gettin' us both killed."
"Ain't no walkers around," Daryl said, flipping on the flashlight to demonstrate the truth of the statement. He swept it around, seeing nothing but a ribbon of light cutting through the black, and then kicked again.
"Maybe you should go back inside. I can finish watch," T-Dog suggested. Daryl winced, forgetting the flashlight was still on, allowing T-Dog to see the expression on his face. "Worse in there?"
Daryl turned the flashlight off, tucking it in his pocket and hoping the other man would take the silent hint. He wasn't going to get pulled into this conversation.
"I know you're not much for talking-" T-Dog started.
"So why you still at it?" Daryl interrupted.
"Alright," T-Dog said. Daryl waited for the sound of gravel shifting beneath the weight of his feet, but the silence persisted. His jaw tightened, then his chest, and he shook his head. Why did these people want to talk all the damn time?
"Goin' back in?" Daryl asked, failing to keep the edge out of voice.
"No."
"Maybe I will then."
"Hmm. Doubt it," T-Dog replied.
Daryl exhaled in a huff. He was done. If T-Dog wanted to play head shrinker, he could do it with someone else. He'd head back inside. It was the same black-inked view in there. Wouldn't be so bad. He could lay still in his sleeping bag, ignoring the warmth of the bodies next to him. Tuning out how they breathed peacefully as they slumbered, like a horror show wasn't waiting for them just outside the door. Like it was possible to let your guard down and trust whoever was on watch would be able to handle anything that came along. He'd do it. Just as soon as his feet started moving.
"I saw your face, man. I don't know what it is, but you don't sleep. You're pissed all the time. You're makin' mistakes. Whatever it is, it's gonna get you killed. You… or the rest of us."
The rest of them. He'd tried holding them at arm's length, but they kept edging closer. Rick asking advice and relying on him for backup. Carol making sure he didn't skimp on his share of food and looking at him like he knew how to get them out of this mess. T-Dog not shutting his damn mouth in this misguided attempt at helping him. The scenarios came rushing out of the night and he saw their faces. Again. Carl, Rick, Maggie, Carol. Merle. Sophia. His entire makeshift family, bloodied and crumpled, then worse, staggering toward him with dead eyes and arms outstretched.
The visions reached for him and he froze, staring into those eyes, nothing left behind them but a singular drive to consume the living. No longer themselves, but things, as Carol had said. Things wearing faces he'd gotten used to seeing. Welcomed seeing. They came at him and grabbed at his shoulders and he snapped back into action, pulling them off, trying to reach for the knife he'd tucked back in its sheath, but his arms wouldn't move. He was caught.
"It's me! Daryl, it's me!" T-Dog's voice was in his ear and the walkers disappeared, but he still couldn't move. T-Dog had restrained him from behind, his arms securely pinning Daryl's own to his chest. Daryl froze again, not sure what had just happened. Not sure what to do now. He'd lost it. Daryl Dixon, the guy who could be zen about a missing girl and calm while a herd took the farm had just gone completely off the deep end and into the black. Or would have, if not for T-Dog holding him steady and stopping the darkness from taking him.
Daryl's breathing finally slowed, the tension in his limbs receding as he accepted the anchoring calm of T-Dog. Physical proximity usually had the opposite effect on him, but after what had just happened, it was a tether. A path back to reality and to being able to function in this insane world. T-Dog loosened his grip, but Daryl caught his sleeves, holding his arms in place, afraid he might slip back into the waking nightmare.
T-Dog said nothing, and Daryl was grateful for the kindness. He really didn't want to talk about it. Any of it. He leaned back into the big man, let his mind settle as he focused on T's chest rising and falling with each breath, on the arms that tightened slightly around him. The memories popped into his head again. The feel of the tweaker's body against his. The voracity of his kiss. Daryl's body reacted, making him half-hard, and he jerked out of his lull and pulled away from T-Dog.
"Daryl?"
"I'm good now. Don't tell no one I freaked, okay?" he asked. He was desperate that the others not find out. Everything T-Dog had said earlier was true. They did rely on him to keep them safe. Knowing he'd had some sort of breakdown would erode the trust they had in him, and make it that much harder for him to do the things needed to keep them alive. If anyone hesitated or second-guessed him in the middle of a bad situation, it could get them killed.
"Okay," T-Dog agreed. "Just promise me you'll come to me if you get close to that again. Do that, and nobody needs to know."
Daryl took a deep breath and considered, and then decided his pride wasn't worth resisting. Never had anything to be proud of, anyway.
"Yeah. Promise."
"Good. Want me to finish out watch?" T-Dog asked.
The question seemed to trigger his exhaustion. Daryl's limbs were heavy, his eyes, his brain. The by-product of adrenaline wearing off was sinking in. He had to admit he was pretty useless at the moment.
"Yeah," Daryl answered. 'Thanks for um… thanks."
"Thank me by getting' some sleep for a change," T-Dog replied.
Daryl turned and headed back toward the store, his mind both calmer and more confused than it had been in a long time. He made his way around the group to the far edge, found his sleeping bag and slipped inside, leaving it unzipped as he always did in case he needed to move quickly. Everything that happened outside started replaying in his head, and he was certain it would be another sleepless night.
When he remembered T-Dog's silent hold, he paused the movie in his mind, staying in that quiet calm until he flinched against the hand gently touching his shoulder. He squinted against the brightness, about to go off on whoever thought it was a good idea to shine a flashlight in his face, and saw the flurry of activity around him as his eyes adjusted to the morning sun streaming through the windows. Carol smiled at him and gave him half a granola bar, the best they could do until they found another stash of food. T-Dog stood behind her, nodded at him, and then bent to pick up Lori's things and carry them out to the vehicles.
"You slept through Rick's pep talk," Carol said, finishing her own half of the granola bar.
"Musta been tired. Had some company last night," he said, concentrating on the food instead of looking her in the eye.
"Yeah, we saw. T-Dog said it was a close call," she said.
Daryl's heart jumped at her words. She knew, and she was calling him out.
"…but he said you two make a good team. I'm betting those walkers would agree." She smiled at him again before getting up to gather her things. Daryl breathed a sigh of relief as she walked away. His secret was safe. He wolfed down the last bite of granola bar and stood, rolling his sleeping bag and grabbing the motorcycle saddle bag with his things. Daylight wasn't going to last long, and he was going to get as much of it as he could.
Thanks for reading! More coming soon.
- Athena