Note: I know this story is really out of character, and this story is pretty much impossible to have happened, but I wrote this last minute for an English assignment, and it's meant to be screwed up. My other friends who are also LOTR fans (Talitha and Pippin/Rachael) read it, and they laughed their guts out, and I hope you do too. Also, I do not own Lord of the Rings, know Tolkien, own Phantom of the Opera, know anyone involved in any production of it, or make profit from doing this (except for my own enjoyment). Anyhow, let the insanity commence.

"Somebody Has Issues"

The Ponderings of the Epic Lord of the Rings Novels by an Insane Person

Pippin clambered down the hallway. He was bored out of his mind. He entered the room in which Legolas abided in, and saw the elf stroking his hair gently. "My preeeeeeeecioussssss…" he hissed, then squeezed out more shampoo into his hand, which was quivering excitedly. "Must lather it twice, mustn't we, precious? Make it niiiiiiiice and shiiiiiny…"

At that moment, Pippin hurriedly left the room. Wow, somebody has issues, he thought. Must be all that time he spent discussing politics with Gollum. The hobbit presently gathered himself and ambled towards Aragorn's room. The door creaked loudly when he pushed it open. The entire room was in disarray, save for a box of chocolates upon his bed with a note attached. The note was, surprisingly, written in the Westron tongue, and it read: "To my sweet bumpkin, may the stars ever shine upon your face. Love, Arwen." Pippin snorted. Bumpkin? He tore off the lid and began eating his way through the chocolates; being the hobbit that he was, he naturally couldn't resist. He was about halfway through the box when Aragorn entered the room. He dropped his knitting needles in shock and protested, "Hey! Those were from Arwen!"

Pippin looked up and grinned impishly. "I know, they're good, eh?" He began licking the chocolate remnants off his fingers. "But you shouldn't eat them; it's not good for you." He paused. "You need all the carbs you can get for your… knitting."

"You know," Aragorn shot back, "I am about to get very tall and scary now."

"Eek!" Pippin shrieked. "Don't do that Gandalf thing! It's frightening!"

"Then get out, out, OUT!" Aragorn shouted.

"Whatever you say… bumpkin." Pippin laughed, then yelped shrilly when Aragorn lifted the hobbit up by the collar and threw him out. The door slammed behind him. Wow, somebody has issues. Good chocolate, though, he thought as he cleaned off yet another fudge-coated finger. I wonder what Elrond's up to?

He made his way for Elrond's room, and when he silently opened the door, he saw him crouched on the floor, one hand around his knees, the other holding a pan. He rocked back and forth, so whenever he rocked forward his head hit the pan, and sang, "The-ow-phaaaaaaaaaaaaantom of the-ow-opera is heeeeeeeere, inside my-ow-mind! I'm in a-ow-happy plaaaaace…"

This time, it was Pippin who slammed the door. Wow, somebody REALLY has issues, he thought. Then, he heard the light patter of hobbit feet behind him, and Merry came up beside him. "Hullo, Pip! What are you up to?"

Pippin told him everything he had seen. "Wow," Merry answered, "Somebody has issues."

"My thoughts exactly," Pippin agreed, and they ran off to find pickles to stick in their ears to do the hokey pokey.

THE END

So, please R&R. Remember, I realize that this could not have possibly have happened, nor is it in character, but it's just supposed to be stupid (though I do have a bit of an expanation for Gollum and Legolas's conversations on politics, but that's for another time). Thanks. :)

---Merry, Author and aforementioned Insane Person