They call me the midnight barber. Who are 'they' you may ask. They live all around me. I am like a myth to them- the receivers of my genius, the ones who experience my gift. Imagine waking up in the morning, thinking it is just an ordinary day, catching a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and wa-hey! You're all gorgeous with a genius haircut. I give that gift to people. I even give that gift to animals. They call me the midnight barber. Well, mostly they do. Sometimes they call me all sorts of things like bitch, shitbox, and ballbag, as in, "What little bitch did this?" I did.
This is my secret chronicles. It will be a record of my genius left for future generations. So you can look back and see what's possible. First of all I'm going to tell you how I became the midnight barber and how it works. Then I'm going to keep a record of my experiences for a few months so you'll really see the midnight barber in action. It'll be genius.
As the midnight barber I've cut the hair of 36 people and 15 animals.
Like most things in life being the midnight barber means you have to accessorize. If you are planning on creeping into people's bedrooms at night and cutting their hair while they're all oblivious you must, must wear black. Also, your shoes must not squeak and your clothes can't rustle. I've made a midnight barber suit made out of the blackest of black material, ultra goth super black, so black it sucks the light out of the room. It is a soft fabric and the suit is a full-piece, body hugging kind so it is completely silent. Then, of course you need a pair of good quality scissors, a comb, clippers fitted with a silencer and a spray bottle with water. My midnight barber suit has handy pockets at the front for all my barber needs. You should also carry a small torch, just in case. But the true art of it is being able to cut the hair through touch alone.
My first adventure as the midnight barber was when I was working as a zookeeper. It was the llamas. They were really down. They felt so ordinary and boring in comparison to the other animals in the zoo. It was awful seeing their sad faces…They were practically begging me to do something to help them. Oh, that's the other thing- I can also talk to the animals. I'm like Mogwli but with scissors. So I crept into their enclosure in the dead of night and I gave them mohawks! They weren't ordinary anymore. The next day they were so happy! You should have seen them dancing at their little llama party. Llamas are real party animals if you get them in the right mood.
The first person's hair I cut, well… let's call him Jazzy Bastard. His hair was always annoying me. It was a mass of split ends. He'd let it get so overgrown and he'd never style it. One night he came home after one of his jazz evenings completely drunk and going on and on about how women never noticed him. Then he fell asleep on the couch. I was staring at his sleepy face and thinking of how if only he'd style himself a bit better, be a bit more edgy and confident girls would really go for him. So I'm looking at the brown wispy smoke that was his hair and I thought, "If it is good enough for a llama, well, why not?"
The real art to being the midnight barber is you've got to be able to cut someone's hair using touch alone. This is tricky but I'm a gifted child. I wish I could teach it to you but I can't. You need to have the gift. You have to know hair so well that through touch alone you can know where to cut. You must know what would look genius and what wouldn't without needing to see it. I do take a small torch with me so I can have a glimpse at the end. But really, it is kind of cheating isn't it? You have to cut by touch to be a true midnight barber.
The other thing about being the midnight barber is that you need to make sure the receiver of your genius doesn't wake up. That way it is a surprise. I'm very good at not waking people. You have to be very quiet. You have to be patient. It helps if they're off their tits. If they wake you have to run like hell. Sometimes they'll glimpse me while they're all sleepy and half dreaming. I like that. They'll wake up and see themselves and be wa-hey! Look at my hair…and hey…was that a dream? It feeds the myth. Once there was even an article in Cheekbone about me. Someone had gotten a sleepy glimpse and gave an interview about it. I've only had one person wake up completely. I had to forget about cutting his hair and I haven't tried since. When he woke he said, "I'm a shaman you ballbag! How could you think I wouldn't wake up? Get out of here."
Maybe you're wondering how I choose the right cut for the right person. Well, it's all about context. Like, some people won't ever style their hair and you know it. So it is no good giving them a genius cut that they'll need to style. They need the best wash and wear cut you can muster. Also, you can feel by touch and instinctively know what cut would suit. Sometimes I don't even think about what style I'm going to do I just let my hands take over. What can I say, I'm a gifted child. So that's what being the midnight barber is all about.