Get out of my way.
The moment i said those words I knew he wasn't going to walk away. He has done it so many times before and I knew he wasn't going to give up anymore. I felt so unprotected and insecure right there in front of him that I couldn't remember anything I wanted to say to him. I have pictured this moment so many times during the sleepless nights after our last conversation but I couldn't force myself to say out loud what I was feeling inside.
No.
He knew that I was falling apart, he just knew me too well to not notice it. I couldn't handle being so close and so far from him at the same time so I just repeated myself.
Get out of my way.
No.
That was all I needed to hear. I couldn't stop my body from moving, stepping closer to him and leaning in. He kissed me gently like he was afraid that any second I was going to pull away. But I wasn't going to, and as his hands were sliding down my back it made me nostalgic for the familiarity and closeness we used to have. And right then it struck me. I have been in love with him all these years. I put my hands around his neck pulling him even closer and kissed him back as if it would make up for all those years of distance. Tears went strolling down my face and when he realized I was crying he pulled away.
I loved you for so long.
As I fell into his embrace I whispered.
And I loved you… Always have, always will.
That night we made love. I knew I had to leave him in the morning so I surrendered myself completely to him, if only for just one night.
The touch of his fingertips down my spine, and kisses down my neck, and all the way down to that little heart shaped tattoo. A proof that I was his a long time ago… It all suddenly felt so familiar. I loved the way he looked at me, and the weight of his body on top of mine. I felt like I belonged to him.
Later, when he fell asleep, I starred at the lines around his eyes, the wrinkles from smiling. I wondered when did it get so complicated? Whose fault was it? To hide from guilt I pulled in closer into his embrace. I was memorizing the rhythm of his breathing and those wrinkles on his face, and all the things I loved about him. I wanted to stay trapped in this moment, right there beside him, for as long as possible. With his hands still around me, I remembered the first time I ever saw him, the first time we kissed, first time we made love.
Right before sunset, I woke him up with a kiss, and as we were making love again, the sun was raising above the Manhattan's skyscrapers. There was no time to think about morning awkwardness, heart breaking or my wedding, it was just me and him at that very moment. And that was all that mattered.