Beavis and Butt-Head in: Stewart's Job
(Written to hopefully entertain Alex Beck.)
FADE IN: outside Strickland High School.
Inside the class, the teacher, Van Driessen, is going on with his lecture, as always.
VAN DRIESSEN: And so, that is how the Crusades ended. A fascinating tale of human trial, nature, and the necessity for boundaries in our world.
BEAVIS: What a loser.
BUTT-HEAD: Yeah. The only cool part of that whole story was where they raped and killed people. I bet that wuss cried from that part.
The bell rings, while Van Driessen is still in mid-book. Kids start to get up and leave the room, ignoring his words.
VAN DRIESSEN: Okay, students, remember to finish ALL of Chapter 3, and to answer the questions about the Crusades! It helps to have paid attention to this lecture!
BUTT-HEAD: This guy's a wimp. He'll never score.
Beavis and Butt-Head leave.
FADE THROUGH BLACK to: the outside of a fast-food joint.
Inside, Beavis and Butt-Head are sitting at a table, eating fries.
BUTT-HEAD: Huh huh huh huh huh! Huh huh huh!
BEAVIS: Heh heh! Heh heh heh! Heh heh heh!
BUTT-HEAD: Huh huh huh! Huh huh huh!
BEAVIS: Heh heh! Heh heh!
BUTT-HEAD: We've been out of toilet paper for, like . . . a month now. We need to get some.
BEAVIS: Heh heh. Okay! I'll go get some.
Beavis leaves.
FADE TO: BLACK. FADE IN on Beavis giving Butt-Head the roll of toilet paper.
BEAVIS: Here you go. I got it from the bathroom.
Butt-Head slaps him.
BUTT-HEAD: We need more than just one roll, dillhole! We need, like . . . two or three.
BEAVIS: Oh. Uhhh . . . I'll be right back.
BUTT-HEAD: No, dumbass. We have to go to the grocery store.
BEAVIS: Oh. Heh heh. I knew that!
They leave. FADE TO: BLACK.
FADE TO: the exterior of TARGET.
BUTT-HEAD: Tag . . . rut?
BEAVIS: Tagarr? Tig-ret?
BUTT-HEAD: Toga . . . ert?
They walk inside, through automatically-opening glass doors.
Inside, they stand still, laughing, looking around a little bit.
BUTT-HEAD: Uhhh . . . so where would we find toilet paper?
BEAVIS: I don't know. Let's go walk around.
30 Minutes Later . . .
Finally, Beavis and Butt-Head have their toilet paper. They approach the customer lanes.
A middle-aged woman is the cashier.
CASHIER: Hello! Did you two find everything you're looking for?
Looking on, they find Stewart working as a cashier!
BUTT-HEAD: Whoa! Check it out! I didn't know that wuss works here!
Beavis and Butt-Head remove their items from the belt, and walk away from the cashier.
CASHIER: Uhh - boys? Ohhh . . . hmm. (to the next customer) Hello! Did you find everything you're looking for?
Beavis and Butt-Head set down their items onto the belt at Stewart's register.
BEAVIS: Umm . . . hi!
BUTT-HEAD: Remember us?
STEWART: Huh? Oh, hey, guys. How's it going?
BUTT-HEAD: Uhhh . . . shut up!
BEAVIS: Yeah. No one asked you!
STEWART: Uhhh . . . okay, well . . . that'll be $2.17.
Beavis hands him one dollar.
BEAVIS: Uhhh . . . I have this.
STEWART: I said, that will be $2.17!
BEAVIS: Here. It's a dollar. Now take it.
STEWART: Look, guys. You can't be causing trouble for me here. Not here, okay? I'm working.
BUTT-HEAD: Shut up. You're not "working". This isn't a REAL job.
STEWART: Guys - I'm actually not supposed to be ringing up people that I know. Okay?
BUTT-HEAD: Oh. You're not?
A light bulb goes on over Butt-Head's forehead.
BUTT-HEAD: I just thought of a great idea.
Abandoning their toilet paper, Beavis and Butt-Head approach the Target managers.
BUTT-HEAD: Uhhh . . . how long has that guy Stewart been here?
MANAGER: Stewart? Uhhh, he's been with us a little over 3 years.
Butt-Head looks at Beavis, grinning.
BUTT-HEAD: Uhhh . . . we'd like to apply here, to work, at Stewart's job.
BEAVIS: Yeah! Heh heh! We've known him for 6 years! Heh heh. 6 years.
MANAGER: You two want to apply here? All right. We actually ARE hiring right now . . . pretty lucky timing on you guys's end! Now, the machine to apply at is right over there, in that corner.
BUTT-HEAD: Cool! We're gonna be working at Stewart's job!
BEAVIS: Yeah! Heh heh! This'll be cool!
MANAGER: Wow! That's quite a long time to know someone. Hmm . . . never heard him mention you two's names before. Well - tell you what, just head on to that computer station, and we'll see what we can do about getting you work here.
BEAVIS: Cool!
BUTT-HEAD: I bet he'll be crying when he sees us here!
BEAVIS: Yeah! Heh heh. We've known him for 6 years.
FADE THROUGH BLACK to LATER: Beavis and Butt-Head are filling out the electronic application on the machine.
BUTT-HEAD: "How . . . did you . . . hear . . . of us?" Hmm . . . let's just say . . . Other. "Stew . . . art." Good.
BEAVIS: Yeah! And both of us! Put that BOTH of us have known Stewart!
Butt-Head edits his typing.
BUTT-HEAD: ". . . Both of us. Known Stewart approx. 6 years."
BEAVIS: Perfect.
Butt-Head starts talking to the blonde manager.
BUTT-HEAD: Uhhhh . . . we'd like to, like, complain about Stewart.
MANAGER: Blond-haired Stewart? He's usually a good kid.
BUTT-HEAD: No he's not. Huh huh. This kid's a loser. 6 years ago, he didn't have any friends.
BEAVIS: Yeah! Heh heh! We met him 6 years ago. And he didn't have any friends!
The two look at Stewart again, from a fair distance.
BEAVIS: Look at him! No friends. Just hangs out by himself. So sad.
BUTT-HEAD: Yeah. Huh huh. Don't let Stewart fool you. 6 years ago, he was a total wuss, with no friends.
MANAGER: Wow. What a wuss!
Beavis and Butt-Head look at each other, grinning.
BUTT-HEAD: Huh huh huh! Huh huh huh! This is cool.
Back to Stewart, ringing things up.
Beavis and Butt-Head walk up to his register, and stop moving.
STEWART: What do you want?
BUTT-HEAD: Hey, Stewart. Uhhh. Remember how, 2 years ago, you said you were writing that book?
STEWART: Yeah. I remember. I still am.
BUTT-HEAD: So, uhhh . . . what ever happened with that?
STEWART: Uhhh, well, I've not had any luck yet in getting it published. It's hard. You know?
BUTT-HEAD: . . . You're never gonna get your writing published.
BEAVIS: Yeah! Heh heh! Your book's never gonna be published! And plus, it sucked anyway! It was generally too fast-paced for a novel of that genre.
STEWART: Leave me alone, guys! You two are nothing but trouble!
BUTT-HEAD: Oooooh!
STEWART: Look, guys. I've been working here for 3 years. And the last thing I need is you two causing problems for me at my job! Now go bother someone else!
BUTT-HEAD: Shut up! Huh huh huh! No one CARES what YOU think!
BEAVIS: Yeah! Heh heh! This is OUR job now! And if you don't like it, YOU leave! Heh heh! Cause we're not gonna!
BUTT-HEAD: Yeah! Huh huh!
Stewart walks away.
BUTT-HEAD: So now he just walks away. What a wuss.
FADE TO: soon. Beavis and Butt-Head are at two different registers.
A customer goes through Butt-Head's lane.
BUTT-HEAD: Uhhhh . . . huh huh huh. Hello. Is this all?
CUSTOMER: Yep! Just some paper towels, you know, ran out earlier this morning.
BUTT-HEAD: So, uhhhh . . . Stewart doesn't have any friends.
BEAVIS: Yeah! He's such a wuss! Right?
CUSTOMER: Stewart? You mean - blond-haired Stewart?
BUTT-HEAD: Yeah! Huh huh! Check this out. He's been here for 3 years. And now me and Beavis are working here. And he can't do anything about it! Huh huh huh. I get he's gonna cry himself to sleep now. Huh huh huh!
CUSTOMER: Uhhhh . . . oh . . . kay, well, uhhh, have a good one!
Saying nothing more, Butt-Head waits, until the next customer goes through his lane.
BUTT-HEAD: Uhhh. So, like. Do you know Stewart?
CUSTOMER: Stewart? No, I don't think so. What do you mean?
Butt-Head points.
BUTT-HEAD: Right over there. That kid doesn't have any friends. He's sad.
CUSTOMER: He doesn't have any friends? Wow. That is sad.
BUTT-HEAD: Yeah! Huh huh!
Once the customer is gone, Butt-Head walks up to Stewart.
BUTT-HEAD: Hey, Stewart. No one likes you.
BEAVIS: Yeah! No one cares about you!
STEWART: Leave me alone, you two! Isn't it bad enough you wrote my name in wet cement?
BEAVIS: What?
STEWART: 5 years ago, you two wrote my name in wet cement. You wrote "Stewart is a ****-sucker." Wasn't that enough? And now you're here?
BUTT-HEAD: You can't prove that. Huh huh huh.
BEAVIS: Yeah, the evidence is on our side.
STEWART: What do you two WANT, anyway?
BUTT-HEAD: Nothing. We just want to, uhhhh . . . work. That's all.
STEWART: Well, go bother someone else.
Stewart walks away.
FADE TO - soon. Butt-Head is walking around the store, talking to a new co-worker.
BUTT-HEAD: Why are you even friends with him? He's a wuss.
COWORKER: I'm not!
BUTT-HEAD: You don't know Stewart like I do. I've known him for 6 years. You guys have only known him for 3 years. I know what a wuss he is, with no friends. And plus. Uhhhh. He's stalking me.
CUT TO - Beavis talking to a manager.
BEAVIS: Yes, and, uhhhh . . . and Stewart has been following me, and Butt-Head, and harrassing us. And it's not right. It's very concerning behavior. So, uhhh. Tell Stewart to stop stalking us!
MANAGER: I will!
Beavis laughs.
BEAVIS: Cool.
STEWART: All right, guys, I'm back from break.
COWORKER: What are YOU doing here?
STEWART: M-me?
COWORKER: Yeah. Why are you here?
STEWART: I . . . I . . . what do you mean? I've been here for 3 years!
COWORKER: Yeah right. You're just here to follow Beavis and Butt-Head around. Stalker!
Stewart looks, and there they are - Beavis and Butt-Head. Refusing to leave. Laughing.
STEWART: Come on! I've been here for 3 years. Those two have worked here only . . . one day!
BUTT-HEAD: Hey, Stewart. Whatever happened with your book, again?
. . . Oh, that's right. It didn't end up getting published. Cause the only people that read books are the dorks and wusses who can't score. And that's you.
STEWART: I'll write a piece about you next.
BUTT-HEAD: No one cares about writing!
A light bulb goes off over Butt-Head's head.
BUTT-HEAD: I just got the greatest idea.
FADE THROUGH BLACK. Midnight. Butt-Head is up late, on the computer.
Type, type, type, type, type. Butt-Head is determined.
"GETTING WRITING PUBLISHED" is the bold-text headline at the top of a web-page.
BUTT-HEAD: Huh huh huh! Huh huh huh huh!
He continues to type.
2 WEEKS LATER . . .
FADE TO Target, where Beavis and Butt-Head are dressed in work uniforms.
Butt-Head holds up a newspaper, and lets it unfold downward.
BUTT-HEAD: Hey, everyone. Check it out. You know how Stewart wants to be a published writer? Well, check THIS out. I got some writing published, in the newspaper, and not him.
BEAVIS: Yeah! And Butt-Head got it done way sooner than Stewart!
BUTT-HEAD: Huh huh huh huh! What's that feel like, Stewart?
COWORKER: What's your article about?
BUTT-HEAD: Who cares? I got writing published before Stewart! Now I can always say that I'm more of a published writer than him.
STEWART: Guys! Why on Earth would you do all this to me? I just . . . I just can't believe this!
BUTT-HEAD: Awwwww, what's wrong? You gonna cry? Huh huh huh! Huh huh huh huh!
BEAVIS: Yeah! We beat you at your job, AND we beat you at writing! Heh heh!
BUTT-HEAD: Huh huh huh! Huh huh huh huh!
STEWART: This will be the last time I say it. You two better leave me THE HELL ALONE!
BUTT-HEAD: Uhhhhh . . . no. Huh huh huh. Huh huh huh huh.
Cue the theme music. Beavis and Butt-Head remain still. Laughing. Laughing.
The End
By the way, if you think this fanfiction is psycho or crazy or unacceptable in any way, watch the episodes "Couch Fishing", "Stewart's House", and the time-travel episode from the 2011 season - far worse.
There are, however, plenty of episodes that are more entertaining for everyone, like Citizen's Arrest, or the trapped-in-the-elevator episode from 2011.