Okay, this fic is not meant to offend people, I just came up with the idea in the shower, where people do their best thinking of course, and ran with it. I laughed spastically at the results. I hope you will, too. If someone else wrote a fic like this before, then, tell them, from me, to GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!! O.O
Title:The Mary Sue/Gary Stu Massacre
Pairing: Naru/Every freaking Mary Sue out there, plus some Gary Stus! Sasu/Naru
Warning: Random bashing of annoyng characters that are not there originally
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, and neither do you, so I guess we're even
"Naruto, they're closing in!" Sakura's frantic voice rang clearly through the link.
"Dobe, what the hell did you do to get this much attention?!" Sasuke demanded, and from his end there was the sounds of a struggle, and Sasuke shouted, "He's mine, bitch!", then his line went dead.
"Kuso! Sasuke-teme! Are you there? Who's yours? Sakura, report!" the young ANBU captain ordered the pinkette.
"Sasuke is down, one of them threw a high heel and hit him in the forehead. I don't know which, they all look so much alike! And they're advancing towards me! I'm sorry, Naruto, but they're just too scary, you're on your own." her line went dead also, and the sounds of the approaching enemy sent chills down the blond's spine.
"Naaa~ruto! We know you're here somewhere!" a blood-chilling, high pitched voice rang through the now otherwise silent forest. Naruto scrambled to find a hiding place, but it was too late, the clearing was suddenly filled with strangers. Thousands of them of both genders surrounded the poor kitsune.
"We found you!" they all said at once, and the looks Naruto was given ranged from lust to true sibling love.
"I-i don't know you people." Naruto said, his own eyes constantly searching for a way out, any escape at all. It was in vain.
One of the girls stepped forward. She bore a striking resemblance to the frozen ANBU, blue eyes flashing with hurt, long blond hair blowing slightly in a nonexistent breeze. She opened her mouth and said in a melodious voice, "Awe, how could you forget your own sister, Naruto? I was always there, watching from the shadows, making sure no real harm came to you." she claimed, but then fifty other girls chimed in to claim the exact same thing.
Another girl pushed herself from the crowd, stumbling strait towards the stricken kitsune, but if she expected him to catch her, she was disappointed, he dodged to the left, leaving her to fall onto the ground. She looked up at him through raven bangs, her onyx eyes shining with fury. "I, Uchiha Sasume, Sasuke's little sister and your hidden lover and future wife, cannot believe you would dare let me fall to the ground in such an undignified manner." she proclaimed, but Naruto noticed she was suspiciously missing one of her white high heeled shoes. Again, more voices cried with similar stories.
A man stepped forward, and for a moment he could be mistaken as the Yondaime Hokage, but the light revealed his ever changing eyes. This man must be special. "Naruto!" he barked, "as your older brother I am disgraced by your play boy ways, leading so many women on!"
"B-but, I really don't know any of them, and I don't know you! I am an only child!" the jinchuuriki cried. The man looked aghast. (AN: Such a great word, donncha think?)
Finally a recognizable face dragged its way into the clearing, and Naruto sighed in relief.
"Sasuke, help me, these people are completely insane!" he called to his teammate. The real Uchiha looked up, then held out the delicate white high heel that had left an imprint on his forehead.
"Who," he growled, "threw this at me?" He caught sight of the young girl who still kneeled in front of his fox. "I told you before, bitch. Naruto. Is. Mine. And I only ever had a brother!" he shouted, dropping the offending shoe, his hands flying through hand seals. Naruto recognized the jutsu and jumped high into the tree branches just in time.
"Katon: Goukakyuu no jutsu!" Sasuke roared, a giant fireball leaping from his mouth and consuming all of the impostors, but not before just one man, a very handsome one, even in death, reached towards Naruto in his leafy perch.
"Naruto, I am your secret male lover. Why are you so cruel not to help me?" he rasped before the fire ate his entire body. Naruto looked down at him coldly.
"Sasuke is my only lover, bastard." he said, and as the fire dissipated, he jumped down to carry his only true lover home.
Kakashi, from the shadows of another tree, picked up another pen and sighed. He glanced at the ashes of the now burnt sheaf of papers that he had spent so much time over.
"It's gonna take me forever to rewrite all of those stories." he mourned before setting to work. Fan fiction didn't write itself, after all.
(Spastic laughter) That was so much freaking fun to write, really. It probably sucks, but, hey, it was for my own amusement, you don't have to like it. If you find this offending, then, hey, I've done my job (evil grin). Just kidding, really, don't have your OC's attack me, I am only a poor author. Okay, well, now that I have successfully pissed some people off, ja ne. (runs away laughing maniachly)