"I hate this place!!!!!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. I flung myself on the couch, awaiting Mom's reply.
"Okay, okay, what do you hate about it?" she smiled and sat down next to me.
"Oh, I don't know, uh, maybe the dark, gloomy, weather we're always having? Or the fact that you and Dad have to work all the flippin' time! Or that I'm so. Friggin'. BORED!!!!!!!!!!"
Maybe I should explain a few things. My name is Keilah Stuart, and I am 15 years old. Why am I having such a fit you ask? Because my Mom and Dad's stupid company just HAD to transfer us from our happy California town to stupid Dublin, which, as you know, is in IRELAND. CAN YOU NOW SEE MY-I hate this word, but it's the only one that really fits-DILEMMA? I HOPE SO.
"Well, if you're so bored," she ruffled my hair" then why don't you do something to meet new people."
"Yeah? Like what? Go knock on people's doors and ask if they have kids my age?" I asked sarcastically.
"No." she smiled "Babysitting."
"WHAT??????" I fell out of the couch.
"Babysitting. That's what I did when I moved to my new town when I was your age."
"And how the bloody hell- oh my God. Did I actually say that? Europe is rubbing off on me.-" I got up "am I going to do that? First off, we don't know anyone here, so how am I going to let people know a fifteen year-old girl is holding a baby-sitting service?"
"What I did. I sent out fliers."
"How convenient." I muttered
"Just try it. You'll meet new people, you'll earn money, and people will get a babysitter."
"Fine, fine. I'll send out some fliers, saying that I'm a babysitter. I've got nothing better to do." I gave in.
Mom smiled. "Don't worry, I'll help you out. It'll be fun."
"It better be."
And that's how I ended up spending my Saturday taping up fliers on telephone poles, mailboxes, and doors.
Toward the end of the day, I came upon this huge estate. I stopped my bike, and slowly approached the house. On the iron gate, I could barely make out the phrase, "Aurum Est Potestas".
I shrugged." Whatever." I muttered, and taped a flier on the gates.
That was one of the worst mistakes I had ever made.
A couple of days later, I heard the phone ring.
"Hello?" I asked as I picked it up.
"Hello, is there a Miss Keilah Stuart available in this residence?" I heard a young-sounding male voice answer.
"Eh…this is her. How may I help you…. uh…sir?" The voice couldn't possibly be an adult's. It sounded like a teenager, fifteen at the oldest.
"I am calling from the Fowl residence. We are looking for a sitter for two twin boys."
"Oh. That's great. I'll be happy to sit for you." I started to relax.
"Do you have experience?"
"Oh, sure. I babysat for my little cousins and some families in our old neighborhood."
"Excellent. This is a long-term job, however. For five days, actually."
"Oh. Well, I-"
"Have to get your parent's consent, I presume." He finished for me.
"Right. May I have your phone number? So I can call you back after I ask my parents?"
"Certainly. It is 086-871-4880."
I scribbled down the number on a note pad. "Thank you. I'll call you back as soon as I can."
"Brilliant. I shall be expecting your call, Miss Stuart." And he hung up.
Luckily, my parents were both in the kitchen, so I got a chance to talk to both of them at once. After a brief whispered talk, they both agreed to let me baby-sit the Fowl children.
I dialed the number of the Fowls, and the same young voice answered.
"Your parents said yes, I presume?"
"Yeah. Uh, what are the dates? And where do you live?"
"Number one Fowl Drive."
"Wow." I said, writing the address down "You have an entire street named after yourself, Mr. Fowl. That must be nice."
"Master Fowl."
"Al…all right. Master Fowl it is, then." Who did he think he was, anyway?
"And it is named after us because we are the only people living on the road."
"Oh. That's nice."
"And your first day begins in three days. You will report to Fowl Manor at nine o' clock sharp. You will stay there all day until ten o' clock. You will repeat this for the next four days."
"Alright. See you then, Mist--er, Master Fowl."
"Excellent. Goodbye, Miss Stuart." And he hung up.
"Weirdo." I muttered as I put the phone back in its cradle.
I went upstairs, and entered my room. I sat on my bed, and pulled out my acoustic guitar. I strummed a few notes on it, and started to hum along. I don't want to be a rock star or anything like that. I just…played. For fun. Nothing more. After playing a few bars, I sighed and put the instrument back on its stand. I got my pajamas on, and went to bed.
I didn't get any more phone calls the next few days, which was good, so I wouldn't have any other appointments the day I sat for the Fowls.
On the first day, I got up really early. I grabbed my backpack, and filled it with all sorts of stuff, like books to keep me occupied when the kids-or kids-were asleep, my Mp3 player, and other stuff.
When it was time to go, I grabbed the pack, hugged Mom and Dad goodbye, hopped on my bike, and rode off.
When I reached the address, I found that it was the old house I had found before (well, I found the gate, anyway. I couldn't see the house.). Boy, was I shocked! Then I realized that a big creepy iron gate was the perfect entrance to a house whose family had a creepy last name like Fowl.
"Uhh…. excuse me?" I called. "I'm Keilah, the baby-sitter. I'm here." I looked around for a call box, but there wasn't one. I did see a motion-activated camera in the corner of the gate. I waved at it a little, hoping someone watching would see me, but nothing happened.
I banged my fist on the gate, and then out of frustration, kicked it. I sighed. Maybe I had gotten the wrong date of something.
Then I heard a whirring sound. I looked up and found it was coming from the camera. Then I realized that there was a little red dot on the tip of my nose…
"Aw, crap." I muttered. It couldn't possibly be that the camera had a built in laser…
I ducked, and soon the bush behind me was more fried than a McDonald's cheeseburger, and that's saying something.
"Oh, crap." I whispered again, because the laser had re-directed itself to me. "Shoot."
I guess I shouldn't have said that, because the contraption was getting ready to shoot. I stayed still, in my crouched position, and closed my eyes, waiting for the burn.
"Look out!" a voice rang out, and I found myself being pushed hard, and I flew a few feet. I heard the laser blow something else up.
I opened my eyes, and found a boy, about 15, leaning over me.
"Are you all right?" he asked anxiously.
"Yeah. I'm fine." I started to get up.
"That gave me a scare." The boy said, helping me up.
"Well, I'm fine." I said.
"You must be the baby-sitter, Keilah."
"Oh. Yeah. That's me."
"I'm Artemis. Artemis Fowl." The boy took my hand to shake.
"Artemis? Isn't that a girl's name?"
The boy turned a bit red. "Yes, well." He scratched his neck. "It can also be a boy's name. It means 'the hunter'. And it was my father's name."
"Oookaaaay…." I said.
"And if I remember correctly," he smiled just a tad bit evil. "Isn't Keilah an Irish boy's name?"
"Don't push it." I said as I picked up my backpack.
"I'm the one who called." He said as he walked toward the now-open gate.
"Won't that thing shoot us again?" I asked nervously, pointing to the camera.
"If I'm with you, no." he answered, ushering me down the driveway.
The walk was a long one. I didn't get why these people needed so darn long driveways.
"Besides" I added as we walked down the gravel driveway " 'Keilah' is also a middle eastern girl's name. So you can get off my case with that, Mr. Maiden-goddess."
He raised an eyebrow. "Maiden-goddess? Charming."
"Whatever. Why is your driveway so flippin' long, anyhow?"
"We like our privacy." he said curtly.
"Your privacy? I mean, I know good fences make good neighbors, but isn't this a little much?"
"No, not when you have enemies."
I stopped dead. "And what is that supposed to mean?" I started walking again.
"What 'that' means is none of your business." he straightened his tie.
"And what about my bike?" I asked urgently. I looked behind me to see my bike, still up against the fence.
"Nobody comes down this street. So worry not of your bicycle."
I started to question my position...and my sanity. I mean, this place has laser cannons at the front gate. What next? A giant boulder rolling toward me in the front hall? Electrocuted doorknobs?
I eyed Artemis up and down. This kid looked like he stepped right out of a Dracula movie. His black suit and tie, super pale skin and raven hair...all the qualities of the vampire. I half expected him to turn to me and say "I vant to drink your blood!" And him being from the same country as Bram Stoker didn't make me feel any better. I shuddered.
And then there was his name: Artemis Fowl. Even though "Artemis" was a girl's name, it fit him somehow. He just looked like an "Artemis Fowl". The name was as creepy as the kid.
"We are nearly there." said Artemis. Then he took out a phone, a style I'd never seen before, and flipped it open. Out loud he said "674-3285", then held it up to his ear. I could faintly hear it ringing.
I took out my phone and suddenly felt like those kids who walk around with one of their wireless home phones. I put it back in my pocket.
"Butler, she's here. We shall reach the house in oh-five minutes." then he hung up
"Butler? Are you so ignorant that you don't know your own butler's name?" I shook my head.
"Ah, you are quite mislead, young lady."
"Young lady? I'm your age."
"Anyway," he said briskly "Butler is not my butler. He is my bodyguard. 'Butler' is his real name."
I stared. "You're 15. And you need a bodyguard? What do you do on your spare time, rob banks and hold people for ransom?"
He cleared his throat and straightened his tie again. "No, er, of course not."
I rolled my eyes. What a weirdo.
Suddenly, a clear song rang in the air.
And it came from my phone.
"I'm too sexy for my shirt.
Too sexy for my shirt.
Too sexy for my shirt.
So sexy…"
My blood ran cold, and then rushed to my face. I'm pretty pale, so I must have looked like a human fire hydrant.
Let me explain a few things here.
Ever since I'd gotten my first phone, people have gotten a kick out of changing my ringer. I don't know why, they just do. And it's not like they change it to cool songs, either.
My friend Clarisa (she's probably the one who put this last one on…all of hers are vulgar) has found a way to change it when I'm charging my phone on the computer. I have no other way of charging it, so I'm vulnerable to her. But I haven't the slightest clue how she does it, even from thousands of miles away.
I tried to compose myself, and flashed Artemis a huge, probably fake-looking smile. "I didn't choose this ring tone. My friend, my friend, she…" I stuttered, trying to force a laugh.
He just stared at me like I had just grown another head and had macaroni and cheese coming out of my ears.
My mouth felt dry. He probably thought I was crazy. He certainly had good reason to. I mean, what sane person looking for a job that involved kids had this as their ringer? And what sane person let an insane person baby-sit their kids?
Fate was cruel.
My phone was getting to "I'm too sexy for my car", so I decided I'd better do something to shut it up.
"Um…uh…can I…can I take this? It'll only take…a…"
He nodded, slowly.
"A…a second…" I took out my phone and glared at the caller I.D.
Oliver.
I answered. "Oliver, whaddaya want, I'm busy." I barked.
He answered with a quickly spoken train of words of which I only caught one or two.
I blinked. "You did what with who for how many cookies?"
He sighed, his breath creating a crackling static sound in the earpiece.
"I didn't do anything with anyone for any cookies." He said unhappily. "Today's Mom's birthday, so I made her some cookies, and-"
"You made her cookies? Oh, good Lord, Oliver, you should know as well as I do that the typical teenage male should not be allowed in the kitchen. It's practically common knowledge, actually."
He sniffed. "Whatever. Anyway, I put the cookies on a platter, and I turned around for a second-a second, Keilah- and when I turned back I saw Chester there, taking a bite out of one of them."
(Chester was his hamster.)
"Yeah, so?" I asked, wondering what the heck this had to do with me.
"It gets worse. He started shaking, and the next minute, he was on the ground, passed out. I don't know what to do, Keilah. You're the closest thing I know to an animal expert, and besides, if I called Clarisa, she'd laugh at me."
Ho, boy. A choking hamster. I never claimed to be an animal expert (how could you truly be an expert on anything really useful when you're fifteen?) but I do have a seemingly vast knowledge of animal health and care. But at this particular moment, I could only think of one thing to say.
"Uh…give him CPR."
"What!?!?" I could practically hear him fall from his chair.
"CPR. You know, when you-"
"I know what it is and I am not making out with my hamster."
"You are not making out with him!" I glanced at Artemis to see if he was annoyed. Oddly, he looked rather amused. "You are simply…blowing air into him. Just do it, it'll be fine." I tried to assure him, (which isn't very easy if you know Oliver the way I do.)
"No! I- Chester!!! Aw, Chester, you're all right! Keilah, he woke up!" he said happily.
"That…that's great, Oliver." I said, amused myself. "Now, I've gotta go, now. I'm in the middle of something important. See ya."
"All right. Hey, you know we miss you out here, right?"
"Yeah. I'll call you guys later. 'Bye."
"'Bye."
We hung up. I sighed out of relief.
"A friend?" Artemis said conversationally. He glanced sideways at me.
I looked down at my navy blue high-tops. "Yeah. A friend. His hamster was in a life-or-death situation…"
Suddenly, I started to laugh. It was the absurdity of the sentence I had just said. It was simply just too strange.
"Who ever heard of a hamster in a life-or-death situation?" I giggled.
Artemis gave me another My-God-you-are-acting-pretty-psycho-right-now look.
I stopped my laughter immediately. It was not very professional…and God knows being in the company of Artemis Fowl definitely makes you want to act professional.
We walked a few more minutes in silence.
When the house came into view, I stopped in my tracks. The place was huge!
Artemis stopped and smiled at me. "Welcome to Fowl Manor." He said, gesturing grandly to the house before us.
If you could even call it a house. This was about ten, no, twelve times bigger than the biggest homes back in San Diego. It looked so old that if you took out the limo and the taxi out front, you could Photoshop this place into a medieval picture and it wouldn't look at all strange.
"Whoa…" I said under my breath. The grounds were wild, and unkept, and went on for miles.
In front of the house there was a large statue of a man. At least, I thought it was a statue. But after I saw that it was walking toward us, I stopped again and gasped, which was so squeaky, people could probably mistake it for a hiccup.
Artemis grinned so evilly that I expected him to either sprout fangs or shout "It's aliiiiiiiive!!!!!"
Instead, he merely said "I think you can guess who that is. But in case you can't, allow me to introduce to you my bodyguard, Butler."
The large man approached us, and before I could stop myself, I blurted out. "Man, was your mom an Amazon, or what?!"
The giant raised an eyebrow at me. Then the boy and his bodyguard shared a sideways glance.
Meanwhile, my head was pounding. Why in the world was I still doing there?! I should have run for it while I had the chance. Gone home. Or, better yet, Antarctica, far away from these people. I can live with penguins.
Maybe I was being overdramatic with my thoughts. But really, so many strange things had happened to me today. First, I almost became Kentucky Fried Keilah from a laser cannon at the front gate, which I know for a fact even the President doesn't have. Then there's this creepy Artemis guy, who almost makes Lord Voldemort look about as threatening as a pair of bunny slippers (Well, okay, maybe a pair of Godzilla slippers). Then there's the house itself, which looks like it just time warped from Camelot. Oh, yes, let's not forget the seven-foot four giant bodyguard who could probably make Oscar de la Jolla pee his pants if he were here. All this and it wasn't even nine o' clock yet.
So, what was I still doing here?
My thoughts were interrupted by Artemis saying, "We had better go inside, Miss Stuart."
Of course, my mind was numb, so I said something real intelligent, like, "Huuuuuh…?"
"I said," repeated Artemis, sounding a bit annoyed, "We had better go inside, Miss Stuart. Your examination must take place immediately, before my parents depart."
Wait, examination? "What examination?"
Artemis remained silent as they began to walk toward the house.
"What examination?!?!?" I said louder, following them.
Still no reply.
"You said nothing about an examination." I said crossly. "You left out necessary information. That's illegal, you know."
Did I just see a ghost of a smile on his face?
"I can leave right now, you know." I continued. "I don't have to…" I trailed off, because no one was listening to my threats.
I sighed. 'Well.' I thought to myself. 'Into the giant house of certain insanity walks Keilah.'
And with that, I held my breath, and followed the boy and his body guard into the house.