Author's Note: Ugh, so I'm not even sure if I should have put this up. Basically this is a vent fic based somewhat on personal experience. If only I could have more frequent therapy sessions, right? Then I wouldn't have to write so much weird angst, lmao. Eh, then again, y'all seem to enjoy my angst. The title is taken from Handsome Girl by Danielle Ate the Sandwich. Anyway, 'malyshka' is Russian for 'little girl'. Sorry for churning out so much stuff aside from COTR lately. I've just needed a break from it. Sorry y'all. I'll get back to it soon-ish. I hope you enjoy this. And yes, before you ask, there will be more than one chapter. If you are struggling with self-harm or suicidal thoughts, please seek help. The number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. There is also the Crisis Text Line that you can reach by texting 'HOME' to 741741. WARNING: This chapter contains graphic self-harm, blood, mental health issues, depression and its symptoms, references to abuse, intrusive thoughts, self-hatred, references to child neglect, and references to drug abuse and drug addiction.

Red wakes up with a start. She has no idea why, but she feels terrified. As usual, she listens to her instincts, and gets up to check on Nicky. It's still dark, and the rest of the inmates are asleep.

However, upon going to Nicky's bunk, she finds it empty. But, there is a slight whimpering coming from beneath it. Red really wants to avoid kneeling down, what with her back, if she can, so she tries to call for her girl first.

"Nicky?" She whispers. She gets a little sniffle, then another whimper in response, this one obviously directed at her. She sighs.

"Come out. Whatever's wrong, we'll figure it out."

Nicky whines a little, before slowly inching her way out from under her bunk. Red sees that her hair has a few dust bunnies from the floor in it, and that she's crying. The older woman goes to her daughter and presses a kiss to her forehead.

"Let's go get you cleaned up, hmm? Come on, honey."

Red gently leads her daughter to the dorm bathrooms, which are luckily empty. Upon turning on the light, she lets out a gasp. "Oh, Nicky, honey…What happened?"

The blonde is sobbing, shaking slightly, but that's not the worst part. Her arms have long scratches, some bloody, and there's a bruise on her forehead. Her fingernails have blood caked beneath them.

"I'm so sorry, Mommy," The blonde sobs, as her mother wraps her arms around her and holds her close.

"Nicky…Did you do this?"

"Don't hate me," the blonde whimpers.

"Tell me why, Nicky. I need to know how to help you," Red says desperately. First it was dealing with her addiction, and now this? Red would never abandon her girl, but she's terrified that getting through her addiction wasn't enough. She knows that Nicky has her own mental health issues, as much as she hates to admit it. Is this a random occurrence of self-harm or has this been building for a while?

"I'm just…Most of the time I think I'm ok. But, I still have this fucking voice in the back of my head telling me how bad I am. And sometimes the rest of my head believes it. I have to be ok, because as much as you baby me, I'm still known as one of the strong ones," Nicky cries, not facing Red.

"Oh, malyshka," Red whispers, tears in her own eyes now.

"You're my mom. You always are. But you weren't there for my childhood or part of my adulthood. I'm not blaming you. But, as much as I've told you about how fucked up I am, you don't know everything about my problems," She whispers, staring at her feet.

Red grabs the blonde's chin, making her look up at her. "You listen to me. We're going to figure this out. Because I want to have been there. And I want to make things ok. Even if I can never make it up, I want to do the best I can to try. And I'm no therapist, but I think that you need to talk about this and whatever else is banging around in your brain and making you hurt. You can talk to one of the counselors or to Alex, if you don't want to talk to me. Will you talk to somebody about this?"

"…Ok. I'll do it. I'm tired, Ma. I wanna go to bed."

"Ok, honey. But let's clean you up first," Red sighs, relieved that Nicky plans to seek help.

"Can I sleep in your bed tonight?" Nicky asks, eyes big and shining.

Red smiles faintly. "Of course, baby."