Disclaimer: I don't own BJT, Survivor.

AN: first attempt at a parody; please review.

As the shooting of the show starts, we hear the traditional Survivor music theme, ending finally as Saetan walks on screen. He looks rather hot and uncomfortable in his expensive, tailored black suit, apparently not aware what he was getting into when he signed his contract. Coughing, he begins.

"Welcome to Survivor: Black Jewels Trilogy edition, where the players have to out jewel, out annoy (shouldn't be too difficult), and out last one another. I am your host, so let's begin. I have divided our contestants into two teams: the Light Team from the Realm of Light, Terrielle, and the Shadow Team, from the Shadow Realm, Kaeleer."

Some where off screen: "Real original, Saetan…" Laughter then breaks out, shortly followed by a very annoyed looking Saetan. Walking off screen, the show is quickly taken to a commercial break.

As the show comes back on after five minutes of commercials, we find Saetan clutching a club and bottle of whiskey, apparently trying, in vain, to get drunk.

"Okay, let's meet our pitiful teams that are to face my wrath for the next few weeks." An evil smirk passes over his face, though is quickly put out by tittering from the crew members. Like this old man looked scary.

Calling in his jewels, the laughter stopped. Narrowing his gaze, Saetan takes a swing of whiskey and continues. "Right, Light Team first." About to read off the first name, Saetan squints his eyes to make sure he read correctly. Groaning, he shakes his head.

"This can't be right." A crew member walks on the set and whispers something in his ear while showing him a paper on the clip board. Grumbling, Saetan shoves her off screen.

"Fine, fine. Our first contestant is my own bitchy ex-wife, Hekatah."

Hekatah comes running on screen, not looking too happy, with a rather large knife in hand. "Why you 'frolicking batter.'!" Thank goodness for quick censoring.

The camera drops to the ground, soon followed by someone screaming, "RUN FOR THE HILLS!"

The screen is soon replaced by a 'technical difficulties screen' shortly followed by elevator music.

As the show starts up again, once more, we see Saetan nursing a knife wound and rather annoying left eye twitch. "I can't believe I agreed to this," he mutters.

Finishing off the bottle of whiskey, Saetan throws it to the floor. "Next, please welcome the schemer herself, Dorothea."

Dorothea comes on screen, waving and smiling; but when no one applauds, she suddenly starts giving off dirty looks threatening a slow, painful death. Applause is soon heard off screen from the frightened crew members.

Rolling his eyes, Saetan mysteriously takes a drink from a bottle that appeared out of nowhere. "Now, please welcome everyone's favorite bastard-Kartane!"

Off screen somewhere: "Uh, I believe everyone's favorite bastard is Daemon."

Off screen somewhere: "Shut it, Prick!"

Off screen somewhere: A rather loud slap. "Ow!" More name calling.

Looking utterly pissed, Saetan hisses, finishing off the new bottle. "Someone shut them up so we can finish this Hellish episode."

Kartane then walks on, slightly confused, with Robert at his side.

Eyes widening, Saetan pulls the program out of his back pocket, and flips through it. "Hey, wait a second. Robert, you're not even supposed to be on this show."

Robert looked a bit taken back. "But me and Kartane are buddies; we stick together."

Silence.

Kartane, eyes widening, laughs nervously. "Oh no, we're not those kind of buddies."

Silence.

Suddenly, two hobbits and a ringwraith come charging on screen; Robert is delivered a knife between the ribs and dies almost instantly….unfortunately for the ratings. A slow painful death would have been much better.

Slapping his hand against his forehead, Saetan sighs. "Someone tell Peter Jackson to keep his actors off my set."

Shaking his head, Saetan just continues on. "So much for that problem. Someone clean up this mess."

Crew members are already wandering around in the back, trying to drag Robert's body off.

Saetan, smiling rather pleasantly at the idea he would get to torture these people for a few weeks, nods at the crew people mouthing words to him.

"Yes…I have just been informed we are going to have another commercial break."

When the commercials finally end, we are greeted once again by Saetan, trying to appear oblivious to the remaining smoke filling the air from a fire apparently already put out. Where did that fire come from? Who knows.

Smiling rather forcefully, Saetan continues. "Our next vict-er…contestant is a personal favorite demon dead kinda guy of mine. Please welcome Greer."

Greer walks out, waving, hoping no one would realize he's wearing a dress.

Silence.

Blinking, Greer tries to explain. "Look, the costume department on this show is too cheap to give me a proper outfit."

"Yes," Saetan says looking back into the camera, "I can already predict who's going first on that team."

In the back, Dorothea and Hekatah smirk at one another; surprising alliance, no?

"Finally, our final contestants are the triple threat: Alexandra, Leland, and Phillip..Mother night I hate this team…"

All three walk on, Alexandra especially giving him dirty looks.

Saetan rolls his eyes. "Oh just go away you old bat."

"OLD 'FROLICKING' BAT!" Alexandra charges at him and kicks him where the sun don't shine.

Saetan falls over, looking painfully into the camera. "Medic!"

-Technical Difficulties Screen-

"Welcome back." Saetan sits in a lawn chair, holding an ice pack to keep the swelling down. He looks rather in pain and like he wants to kill something.

"Hell's fire, the other team hasn't even come on yet, and fighting has already started…."

Off screen somewhere: "Ya big pansy!"

Saetan just runs his hand over his face shaking his head.

(Cue Survivor theme music) Next time on Survivor:

Will the first episode ever end?

Will Saetan be attacked any further?

How will the teams survive one another-let alone their first challenge?

Tune in next time for Survivor: Black Jewels Trilogy edition.