ROBOT CHICKEN: CORUSCANT PROSTHETICS
Text appears on starry backdrop as CEO speaks, the words "unemployed", "underemployed", and "going nowhere" appearing in quick succession.
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CEO
(off-camera)
Are you unemployed? Are you underemployed? Are you looking for work that pays well, where you can make a real difference in the lives of people in need?
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INT. CORUSCANT MALL, IN FRONT OF CORUSCANT PROSTHETICS
A bustling department store crammed with any number of Star Wars aliens. The CEO — a businessman — is standing in the foreground giving his sales pitch.
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CEO
Then join us here at Coruscant Prosthetics! This is not a work at home scam, nor is it multi-level marketing! From the Core Worlds to the Outer Rim Territories, prosthetics is a growth industry!
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INT. CORUSCANT PROSTHETICS CONFERENCE ROOM
CEO is holding a pointer and standing in front of a chart illustrating a statistical increase.
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CEO
Ever since the arrival of the Lucas cult, the incidence of spontaneous, non-consensual limb migrations has skyrocketed!
(points to chart)
And Coruscant Prosthetics has been there to serve some of the most famous victims!
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CEO crosses to other side of room, where pictures of famous customers are displayed.
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CEO
Customers like Ponda Baba, One-Armed Wampa, Anikin Skywalker, and Luke Skywalker! But we've also been there to help some of the lesser-known victims, such as Brayden Skywalker —
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INT. RECORDING STUDIO
BRAYDEN SKYWALKER re-enacts the "Star Wars Kid" viral video: while showing off with his double-bladed lightsaber, he accidentally cuts off his own arm.
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CEO
(unseen, overdubbed)
— Deandre Skywalker —
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INT. WORKOUT STUDIO
DEANDRE SKYWALKER re-enacts the "Afro Ninja" viral video: he face-plants his back flip, and while trying to stand up as he brandishes his lightsaber nunchaku, accidentally cuts off his own arm.
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CEO
(unseen, overdubbed)
— Jebediah Skywalker —
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INT. LOG CABIN
JEBEDIAH SKYWALKER — a buck-toothed, pot-bellied, wife-beater-wearing hick — stands lazily looking at the camera, holding an active lightsaber in his left hand. He scratches his crotch and then the left side of belly with his right hand, and then scratches the right side of his belly with left hand, inadvertently cutting off his right arm.
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CEO
(unseen, overdubbed)
— Georges St. Pierre Skywalker —
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INT. DEATH STAR CONTROL ROOM
GEORGES ST. PIERRE SKYWALKER — an imperial officer — is about to exit the control room. He heads toward a door, which SNAPS OPEN. He walks through the doorway but suddenly turns around to speak to another IMPERIAL OFFICER, who is sitting in the control room.
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GEORGES ST. PIERRE SKYWALKER
(searching his pockets, looking back into room)
Sacre bleu! I have left my lightsaber on ze counter. Could you toss it to me?
The Imperial officer sees the active lightsaber sitting on the counter.
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IMPERIAL OFFICER
(picking up the lightsaber)
Sure, here you go.
(about to toss lightsaber to Georges St. Pierre Skywalker)
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Before the Imperial officer can toss the lightsaber, the doors suddenly SNAP CLOSED on Georges St. Pierre Skywalker's outstretched arm, severing it above the elbow. The now-separated limb hangs still momentarily. The Imperial officer watches as it then SLIDES DOWN the door seam to the floor.
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CEO
(unseen, overdubbed)
— And, of course, the drummer from Def Leppard Skywalker!
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EXT. LIGHTSABER DRIVE-THRU - NIGHT
A drive-thru EMPLOYEE is leaning out of the window, holding three active lightsabers under a sign that says "24/7 Lightsaber Drive-Thru". The employee is looking expectantly for the customer to drive up and claim their order. All of a sudden, a blur WHOOSHES by as a car speeds through. The drive-thru employee looks puzzled, still holding three active lightsabers and looking at a newly severed arm now lying on the ground below the window.
INT. CORUSCANT PROSTHETICS CONFERENCE ROOM
CEO faces camera.
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CEO
Force Be with You, unplanned appendage separation is a serious problem.
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CEO crosses room and motions to picture of Disney's Captain Hook.
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CEO
And, given their continued glorification of Captain Hook, there's no reason to think the recent arrival of the Disney cult will make the situation any better. So, if you're ready to kick-start your career —
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INT. CORUSCANT PROSTHETICS SHOWROOM
Cut to an R2 DROID helping a SAND PERSON pick out a prosthetic arm.
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CEO
— If you enjoy the challenge of face-to-face sales and working in a fast-paced environment —
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Cut to a JAWA helping a TWI'LEK pick out a prosthetic head tentacle.
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CEO
— If you'd like to earn base pay plus commission along with a comprehensive benefit plan and paid time off, then this may be the job for you!
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Cut to CEO speaking from the showroom floor.
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CEO
Come join us today, and tomorrow you could guiding an 8-year-old self-amputee as they choose a prosthetic from among our hundreds of competitively-priced floor models!
(slightly more serious)
Or, if your life situation has developed to the point where you're ready to adopt a prosthetic of your own —
(exuberant again)
Then come on down! We accept Medicare and Medicaid!
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EXT. CORUSCANT PROSTHETICS
CEO exits front door and points to neighboring pawn shop. There is a long line of ONE-ARMED ALIENS entering a pawn shop to sell their lightsabers for cash, and then getting in line to enter the prosthetics store.
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CEO
We're right next to Fmexnar's Pawn Shop and Used Lightsaber Emporium!
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CEO motions outdoors toward parking lot.
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CEO
Ample parking nearby, with plenty of handicapped spaces!
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INT. CORUSCANT PROSTHETICS SHOWROOM
CEO is standing in front of the assembled SALES STAFF, who are gathering for a group shot.
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CEO
Whatever your needs, don't go out on a limb! Come see us at Coruscant Prosthetics!
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CEO and sales staff smile broadly, put their right thumbs in the air.
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CEO & SALES STAFF
(in unison)
We're your right-hand man!
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A Wookiee member of the sales staff growls. A MON CALAMARI member of the sales staff nudges a CORELLIAN member of the sales staff, who is mistakenly holding his left hand up. The Corellian — still smiling broadly at the camera — quickly puts his left arm down and raises his right.
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END SCENE.