If you are offended by utterly anything and actually everything you will be instantaneously triggered with no shred of mercy
Buckle up
"SOME FOLKS ARE BORN, MADE TO WAVE THE FLAG!" Sergeant Rick "Brass Balls" Barney shouted into the thick Vietnam jungle over the sound of the huey's helicopter blades. "OOOH THAT RED WHITE AND BLUE!"
He leaned out the door, holding his M60 light machine gun at the hip and fired into the dense Vietnam jungle. As he fired, the bullet loops curled around his body smacked his green-clothed chest. He gnashed his teeth against his cigar, chuckling to himself like a maniac.
Atop his buzzcut black hair was a gnarly camouflage helmet with the words "NAM BABY" etched in black on the side. Ricky 'Brass Balls' was more than ready for whatever came his way.
Except for the British.
"OI, YA DAMN WANKER, YOU TALKIN 'BOUT ME UNION JACK, AH YA?" His British comrade, Jack 'Scone Drone' Edwards screamed as the helicopter pounded harder and harder over the jungle.
Scone Drone was named as such due to his ability to fall asleep in any situation no matter what, and for the fact that he likes scones.
"SHADDAP SCONE DRONE, I'LL DUMP YOUR FUCKIN TEA INTO THE HARBOR!"
"OI YA FOKIN LAZY-ASS YANK, IT'S HARBOUR NOT HARBOR!" Jack pulled his M16A1 assault rifle up to his chest, a knife in his right hand. He'd been trying to stitch the words 'God Save The Queen' on the rifle's stock since they left Saigon, only for his efforts to be in vain. It looked more like 'Qoq SAUE THE GVEEM' instead, which is totally not what he wanted to write. Unfortunate.
"Sixty seconds!" The pilot of the huey said, bringing the helicopter around to lose speed by pulling the nose up. Brass Balls Barney smirked, spitting out his cigar.
In the distance mountains stood proudly over the jungle, arching high into the clouds. To Ricky's right, a jet plane darted past, releasing a dozen jugs of napalm. The sailed to the earth, and when the tubs splattered into the mountains they erupted into flame. The flames danced across Brass Balls's eyes as the huey touched down in a clearing.
"Git sum! Git sum!" Ricky chanted as he jumped out of the helicopter, while Edwards merely stepped out, snarling something about how Americans sucked.
But the last person to step out of the huey wasn't Scone Drone. It was some scrawny 18 year old kid with thick rimmed glasses, quivering in his boots that were almost too big for him.
"C'mon young chap!" Edwards pushed the kid forwards with the butt of his gun. The nerdy kid screeched as he collapsed into a bush.
"This is 'Nam, ya damn FNG!" Brass Balls hooted, using his M60 to part a bunch of branches, making his way deeper into the forest. "Stick to me if you wanna stay alive!"
"Oh jeez, oh jeez!" The FNG pushed up his glasses before hobbling behind Ricky Brass Balls.
The helicopter roared off into the distance, high above the trees and back to the base. Now it was quiet. The birds chirped, the insects sang, and the forest whispered in the mysterious mist. And in the distance napalm accidentally burned down an entire village suspected of having Communists in it instead of just burning out the bad guys. Oops.
"Keep your eyes open, kiddo…" Edwards held his rifle out over the head of the 18 year old, grinding his teeth together. They had long since become yellow from drinking gallons of British tea a day, but unfortunately in the recent days he had to resort to drinking the Vietnamese tea. A terrible fate, surely.
They walked through the woods in search of their target. The group of three were ordered to blow up a secret communist facility deep in the jungle, and there were rumors that something dark and sinister was going on in there. Some secret commie science, the boys back at the base joked. But the possibility was very much real.
The trees were alive, the woods was holding it's breath. And when Ricky Brass Balls flexed his muscular biceps to push a branch out of his way, his sweat reflected in the thin sunlight.
That caught the gaze of a dozen Commies.
"Về nhà, Gi! Về nhà, Gi!" They screamed at the top of their lungs, shooting their Chinese AK-47 knockoffs at the Gis. "Go Home, Gi!"
"Holy Shit!" Scone Drone screamed, leaning back and starting to snore loudly as he collapsed in a bush. That saved his life, as a trillion AK bullets whizzed past his nose.
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!" Ricky Brass Balls exclaimed, turning his machine gun on the commies hiding behind trees and plants. "Screw YOU Charles!"
He started spraying into the brush, his bullets tearing apart the leaves and trees and branches and limbs and all sorts of other nasty stuff that can be assumed to be torn up. Everyone died in like two seconds.
Once the guns fell quiet, little FNG buddy jumped to his feet after laying down for so long. He shouted a war cry with his war face, shooting his weapon into the trees. The birds flew away.
"HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHHA!" Ricky Brass Balls laughed heartily, punching the kid in the shoulder. "Welcome to 'Nam, kiddo!"
Brass Balls Barney went over to Edwards's sleeping body, and held out a rare English Teabag out in front of his nose.
"WHuuuZZAh! Me English teabags!" Scone Drone stopped droning and shot up to his feet, trying to grab the teabag out of Brass Balls's hands.
But from somewhere in the jungle, a massive mechanical claw sprung out of the trees and snatched the teabag right before Edwards could grab it.
"What was that!?" They all gasped in unison.
"Prepare for trouble!" A robotic voice rang out.
"Make it double!" Another one shouted.
A bigass metal foot stomped through the trees, crushing a clearing into view. The protagonists jumped in terror as they saw the two evil robots. They were like the tripods from The War of The Worlds, and in the top thing there was a glass dome. Inside of it was an evil grey space alien.
"Hey!" Edwards, not groggy from his nap at all, shouted. "That's pretty gay!"
One of the two robots gasped. "What!?"
"Well, we are raging homosexuals." The other robot alien said. The gasping robot gasped again, but then huffed robotically.
"That is true, come here honey bunches." The two robots butted heads in affection.
Ricky cooed. "Aww… They're in love!"
"Shaddap!" The FNG frowned, tightening his grip on his rifle. "They're gay Space Aliens!"
"That is correct!" One of the robots snarled, going back into kill mode. "And if you want to save your puny country, you'll have to defeat the both of us!"
"Wait, this isn't even our country…" Edwards lowered his gun.
"What!?" The other Space alien, Space Alien 1, deadpanned. "We were wrong? Damn!"
"It's alright honey," Space Alien 2 comforted. "We can still destroy the world. For communism!" He raised a robotic fist into the air, clutching the teabag.
"Wait a minute!" Ricky Brass Balls exclaimed as he sat down, lighting a cigar out of boredom. "You're Gay communist Space Aliens?!"
"Isn't it obvious?" Alien 1 cried out, crossing it's robot arms. "Well, let's cut to the chase, dear."
Alien 2 nodded somehow. "Yes, let's."
From behind the gay communist space aliens a large futuristic cylinder popped out of the Vietnam mud. Just like a little pop, nothing too special. It hovered between the gay communist space aliens menacingly. Thunder and lightning crashed down into the jungle, and it started to get very dark and cloudy. Rain trickled down from above, soaking the ground and it's inhabitants.
"Muahahahaha!" Alien 1 laughed madly. "Our evil science has come to fruition! No longer shall we live in fear, now we will destroy the world!"
"With our super destroyer device. Our secret plan is really long, so to sum it up, it combines all the power from a gazillion other dimensions and condenses it here and it goes KABLEWWY! Our safe space!" Alien 2 exclaimed excitingly. "Get ready to die!"
"Hold on a second!" Ricky puffed on his now wet cigar, tapping on his chin with the barrel of his machine gun like a smart person would. "If you do all these mad science experiments, wouldn't that make you a Nazi scientist!?"
The FNG rolled his eyes, pushing up his glasses. "Not all evil scientists are Nazis, Rick."
"UFUFUFUFUFUU!" Alien 2 was filled with glee. "How did you figure it out? You must be geniuses!"
"What!" Edwards shouted indignantly. "So you lads are Gay Communist Space Alien Nazis?!"
"No," Alien 1 shook his head. "We're Gay Communist Nazi Space Aliens. We don't appreciate misogyny here. And for this place to become our safe space, everyone MUST DIE!"
Alien 2 laughed like a robot maniac as Alien 1 pressed a big red button out of nowhere. "DIE!"
The three soldiers gasped in horror and started shooting at the aliens. Their bullets started pinging off the metal, doing nothing. Scone Drone fell asleep, collapsing into a puddle.
And then the dimension cylinder machine exploded.
"AH!" The aliens screamed.
"AH!" The humans screamed.
And the cylinder was gone. Where did it go? I don't know. But now there were four girls lying in the 'Nam mud in a pile.
"What is THIS? This isn't what we planned for!" Alien 1 screamed in terror.
Ricky Brass Balls raised his M60. "Die!" He shouted, shooting.
The bullets pinged off the glass rather loudly, waking up the four girls but not Edwards. He started dreaming about shining the shoes of the British Queen, wearing a gold monocle.
"What!" Noire gasped, climbing to her feet. "Why am I SOAKING wet!"
"Eew! It got in my hair! My precious, luscious hair!" Neptune cried out, shaking mud from her fingers.
"I'll KILL whoever did this!" Blanc snarled, clenching her fists around a massive hammer that just sorta materialized. "Was it YOU?" She glared at Vert.
"No! We all need to calm down!" Vert suggested in vain, as the other three started bickering amongst themselves until Noire noticed the giant Gay Communist Nazi Alien robots.
"Uh oh!" Neptune waved her arms in the air. "I'm a bee! I'm a bee! Just a bee! Not a person for you to kill!"
But just then Ricky Brass Balls ran out of ammo and started to reload, and the evil alien nazis glared at the people.
"Get ready to die!" They yelled like morons at the same time. "SUPER DUO LASER CANNON FIST OF NATIONAL SOCIALISM!"
And the fight began.
I don't even know anymore, get ready for like 20 more chapters of this nonsense