This fic kicks off my first attempt at DeanBenny week which you can check out over on tumblr at deanbennychallenges . tumblr . com This fic may have a little angst, but it does have a whole lotta love. Also I highly recommend listening to the song (I Was Told) To Never Let you Go by Parabelle while reading this. It set the mood for when I was writing and where I got the title from.
The prompt for Day One was First Fight
You're far more priceless than the price that's spent
A choice like this gets harder just to fight through -Parabelle "(I Was Told) To Never Let You Go"
It had been three days since Dean had heard from Benny, not that he particularly wanted to, but it would have been nice to know that the older man stilled cared enough to see if he was okay after the fight they had gotten into. Their first fight actually and the fight that brought about the end of their relationship. But maybe he didn't care and why would he? There was no need for Benny to waste another minute on him and Dean had always figured that Benny would eventually come to his senses. Hell he had been prepared for it, he just hadn't expected it to hurt this much.
"Dean, come on man, you gotta eat something." Dean hadn't even heard Sam enter the guest room that he had been occupying since he had arrived, just like he hadn't even realized that he had started crying again.
"M'not hungry." Which was the truth, he had only felt sick to his stomach, the thought of food making him want to hurl. A deep sigh came from Sam and then the bed dipped at the additional weight of the moose that was his younger brother.
"It's not worth starving yourself over, he's not worth it either." The tears seemed to come faster then, because it was his fault Benny left him, he wasn't enough for Benny. "I know you loved him, he's probably the first person you've fallen for since Cass, but for him to say what he said for him to let you walk out that door…he never deserved you." The silent tears quickly turned into chest heaving sobs, he had been trying to forget the fight, what Benny had said to him, but at Sam's well-intended words it all came back to him.
He'd been waiting for Benny since seven o'clock, after his boyfriend had sent him a text around four-thirty to say that an old friend was in town and they were going for a quick drink to catch up after he closed the diner for the day. At first he hadn't thought anything of it, even if it was a bit odd, Benny didn't really have any friends and he never talked about having any friends from his Navy days, but Dean wasn't about to become the clingy paranoid boyfriend. So after a dinner of reheated over stir-fry from yesterday he settled into the corner of the couch with a battered copy of Jailbird, glanced at the clock only once and muttered "So it goes."
Benny came through the door just as he reached the end of the novel a sheepish look on his face, "Aw sugar, you didn't have to wait up for me."
"I didn't think you would be getting back this late or that if you were you'd at least call." A part of Dean enjoyed the way the older man had flinched at his tone.
"I'm sorry, I really am. I didn't think that I'd lose track of time, it won't happen again." The older man seemed sincere and Dean found that he wasn't actually mad at him, he was just frustrated that Benny had seemed to forget about him. He stood, stretched, and moved to greet his boyfriend in a warmer manner, during the brief kiss Dean tried to convince himself that he had only imagined the faint smell of expensive perfume under the smell of whiskey clinging to Benny's jacket.
The question escaped his lips any way, "So do all of your old friends wear Chanel?"
A tense silence had followed before Benny finally answered, "Just Andrea."
Dean went numb at the name and stepped away from the older man as if burned, "Andrea? You mean the Andrea that left you with nothing more than a note on the kitchen table with 'sorry' written across it? The Andrea that you told me you stopped having feelings for when you met me? That Andrea?"
"She came into the diner today, said she just wanted a chance to explain why she left, and nearly broke down in tears trying to and I can't say I wasn't curious to know why she left." Benny had paused and Dean realized he was waiting for permission to continue so he nodded, giving Benny the chance to explain himself. "I met her at the bar down the street and we talked for a bit about what she'd been up to. Then when I asked about why she left, she told me that she had been afraid that she was falling in love too quickly. Our relationship scared her and she needed time to clear her head and find herself. Then she told me that it was a mistake to leave, she still had feelings for me, and wanted to give it another try."
"You told her that wasn't going to happen right?" Dean was amazed that he had even been able to speak with the lump that had formed in his throat. The insecurity and fear he felt was overwhelming.
"I did, believe me, cher. I told her that I moved on, found someone new, and found the love of my life." For a moment Dean relaxed, but there had been something in Benny's tone that made him tense up again and he ran the story through his mind again and found something didn't quite make sense.
"That's it? You were out for five hours and that's all that happened?"
"Well, I did take her back to her hotel." Dean didn't even realize that he had stormed out of the room and had started packing a bag until caught his hands gently to stop him. "Dean, wait, it's not how it sounds. Andrea was upset, she felt awful about what had happened between us I didn't want to leave her that way. I wanted her to know that it was okay, that I understood what she did and I was okay from it."
"Why Benny? Because she didn't care when she left you! Just like you didn't care to tell me that she was the 'old friend' you were going to see! Didn't care to spare a thought as to how I felt about being left in the dark!"
"I didn't tell you that it was Andrea because I didn't want you to worry or be upset and I certainly didn't expect her to apologize and ask for a second chance."
"Well great plan, because I'm not upset, I'm fucking pissed! How else do you think I'd react to hear that your ex is back and wants to get back together? I mean if you would have told me that you were meeting her, yeah, I would have been worrying and if you would have said that you left after you told her it was over I would have been okay. But you didn't bother to tell me that you were meeting with her, then you end up taking her back to her hotel before coming home reeking of her perfume as if nothing happened! It's like you still have feelings for her." When Benny didn't respond a horrifying realization settled over Dean and he froze turning from his half-filled bag to stare at the older man who Dean had never seen look guiltier. "You do. You still have feelings for her. You lied to me!"
"What else did you expect? She was my first love. You can't tell me that if Cass showed up at your shop, asking for a chance to explain why he left that you wouldn't let him."
"That's not fucking fair and you know it."
"But you would, you'd meet him at The Roadhouse and you'd let him explain why he bailed because even though he broke your heart, you'd still love him because you loved him first. Just like I loved Andrea before I loved you."
"Then I hope you're happy with her." Dean had started crying the moment Benny brought up Cass, because Cass hadn't left him, Cass had been taken from him before he even got the chance to tell Cass that he loved him. He had thought that he would never find anyone else who could make him feel so special and worthy of the love that he had never believed he was worthy of and now it seemed he was right. He didn't know what hurt more, the fact that he had been right or the fact that Benny didn't even try to stop him from walking out the front door.
"Shit, Dean I'm sorry." Sam rubbed a hand over his back as the sobs turned to small hiccups.
"I-it's fine. I just wanna be alone for a bit, okay?"
"Okay, but I'm dragging your ass downstairs sometime today to eat something." Dean must have drifted off at some point, because he woke up to Sam shouting at someone. Curious he ventured downstairs, trying to quell the excitement of that someone being Benny coming to take back everything he had said.
"You are the last person he needs to see right now."
"I just want to apologize Sam, I'm not asking for him to forgive me or comeback. I shouldn't have said what I said." Dean's heart was pounding knowing that Southern drawl from anywhere, it was Benny, and Benny had come to apologize.
"But you said it anyway, he was over the moon for you and you basically told him that he would always come second to a woman who left you without any explanation. Then you try to justify that by saying that Dean would put a dead man before you."
"I know what I said and regret every word of it. You say things you regret when you're angry, especially when you're angry at yourself, it's everyone else who gets hurt. I never wanted to hurt Dean because he doesn't deserve it, just like I know I don't deserve him."
"You're right, you don't deserve him so it would probably be best if you left." It took a moment for Dean to realize that Benny was crying or at least on the verge on doing so. "You can just send his stuff here." The older man didn't say anything, only nodding in understanding before turning to leave, shoulders slumped.
Something twisted inside Dean at the thought of Benny walking out of his life for good, "Benny, wait!" He pushed past Sam and threw himself into Benny as the man turned around, icy blue eyes shining with unshed tears.
"Dean?"
"Did you mean it? What I heard you telling Sam, did you mean it?"
"Every word, darling. I hate that I hurt you the way I did, I hate that I didn't tell you I was meeting Andrea, and I hate myself for telling you that you came second to her, because while I may have loved her first, I love you, so much more, than I could have ever loved her. I also meant it that, I don't expect you to forgive me for what I said that night and I understand if you never want to see me again."
"Good because I'm not going to forgive you, at least not now and not in the near future, but I can't imagine never seeing you again. I do love you, Benny, but you still hurt me and it's going to take a while for me to get over it."
"Seriously Dean? You're really going to take him back?"
"Shut up, Sammy, give us a moment to talk, in private." Dean didn't need to look at his brother to know he was getting bitchfaced at, but his brother did leave, the sound of the front door slamming shut letting him know that he and Benny could talk without commentary.
"I thought you wouldn't want anything to do with me."
"Since we started our relationship, I was always afraid that you would leave me for someone else so when you came home late and said you were out with Andrea that fear became very real. I mean, what do I have to offer you? I'm a high school drop-out who spent almost his entire life trying to live up to his abusive alcoholic father's standards. Hell, I'm every therapists dream with all the issues I have, I don't see any reason for you to want me other than my pretty face and freckled ass."
"You are so much more than that, you're funny, smart, and talented. You got a heart so big you think you can shoulder all of the world's problems. If anything I don't deserve you and its crime that I hurt someone as wonderful as you." Dean could feel himself crying again, he would have thought that he had cried himself dry by now. "Aw, hell sugar, don't cry. I can't stand seeing you cry like that." A chuckle escaped Dean as the older man wiped away the tears rolling down his cheeks, he smiled then too. The first smile in three days, a quiet moment passed between them as they stared into each other's eyes. In a small moment of bravery, Dean leaned forward to capture Benny's lips in sweet chaste kiss. It lasted only seconds, but it was enough. They had made it through their first fight intact.