Deidara Finally Snaps
Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. This is all just for fun after my friend mentioned something about Sasori's name. It will be in the story so I won't bother explaining.
Also, although Sasori is in this, Tobi will be too!
BTW, this is a bit of a crack-fic so I can say that people will be OOC! But it's for humor!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was a surprisingly bright, cheerful day when Deidara walked into the Akatsuki headquarters after a long mission that involved destroying a town; nothing about stealth was in it. It seems like Leader-sama finally got wise enough to quit giving the walking disaster those missions; honestly, this boy seems to have a sign hanging around his neck that says 'I am going to kill you with my awesome stealth moves' but that sign is in NEON colors, flashing lights and a THEME song BLARING! (LaZ: sorry, Dei-kun…Deidara: I…You…I…GO DIE! LaZ: I said I was SORRY!)
Oh, maybe I should get back to the story…
Anyway; as mentioned, the day was oddly friendly when the blonde got to the hideout. Deidara, being smart for once, (Deidara: What did you say? (Bristle) LaZ: Nothing, nothing!) took it to be an utter bad omen. Nice days and S-ranked criminals DO NOT MIX!
Walking into the lair, Deidara had to pause. Glancing around each corner of the main hall-like thing, he sighed an easy sigh of relief. (Sai: Someone mention my name? LaZ: NO! GET LOST, BAKA!) After making sure the hall-thing was safe and not cursed or whatever the omen had meant, Deidara hurries quickly to his and Sasori's room, not pausing to say hi to any of his comrades.
"Sasori-danna, are you here, un?" he questioned, peeking his head through the strangely glowingly lit room he had to share with the maniac-puppet-maker. Almost too scared to continue going into his own room for God's sake, Deidara inched into the room fully. He jumped to the side just a bit late and the red-haired puppet slammed into him. "Sasori-danna, what's wrong, un?" the blonde questioned, groaning softly. Putting one arm around the puppet-maker to make sure that his danna doesn't get hurt anymore than he was; Deidara pushed himself up with the other arm. (Yeah, yeah…I know Deidara lost an arm in the fight with Gaara-sama. Somehow he managed to get it back…maybe Sasori made him an arm! XD) A faint moan of pain and discomfort escaped his lips as he helped Sasori into a sitting position. "What's wrong, Sasori-danna, un?" he repeated.
"Th-that thing keeps saying my name!" Sasori cried, burying his face into Deidara's shoulder, his hand pointing to where Tobi was so innocently sitting.
"Huh?" was all the traitor-stone-ninja could say. Awkwardly hugging the puppet-form of his comrade, he looked more carefully to what Tobi was doing. Clutched in his hands were a controller for the PS2 that Deidara had stolen not too long ago; the screen showed the SIMS game.
"Tobi is a good boy!" Tobi cried, clicking the button on the controller. Almost immediately, the SIM said 'so sorry'. Due to it being said fast, Deidara could assume, sort of, that it sounded like 'Sasori'.
Twitching slightly, Deidara glared down at the puppet-maker uncharacteristically, his aura a dark black. "Danna…" he grounded out, anger evident in his dangerously soft voice. "You plowed into me because the SIM was SAYING SOMETHING SIMILAR TO YOUR NAME, un?" he shouted, pushing himself up angrily. Not caring that Sasori hit his head hard on the wooden floor, he gave one glare to Tobi, then one to his danna. Turning away from the deranged duo, Deidara stormed out of the room, limping slightly due to the impact when he was literally squished between to pieces of wood. "GOD, YOU TWO ARE DERANGED AND SHOULD BOTH GO DIE, NO OFFENCE, DANNA, UN!" he cried, fury shining in blue eyes. Although he said no offence, there was so much offence in the way he spat it out.
"What's his problem?" Sasori dead-panned, watching as his comrade disappeared down the hall. Tobi, instead of talking, pressed the controller button again. "AHHHH! STOP SAYING MY NAME!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Twitching, Deidara angrily stormed down the hall. His leg hurt from when his stupid wooden danna landed on it. God! Was that puppet HEAVY or WHAT? Figuring that he was safe from being tortured to insanity near Kisame and Itachi's room, he deemed it safe to lean against the wall. After all, Itachi and Kisame are the most serious duo out of all the Akatsuki, weren't they?
"Dei-chan!"
Glancing over to the source of the voice, Deidara got a slightly blue tinged face as he stared at the newest test of sanity. Itachi stood before him. Not only that, but Itachi was wearing a bright. Neon. PINK. DRESS underneath the regulation Akatsuki cloak which the Uchiha had left open slightly so the…the…THING...was visible. Oh yes, Deidara was twitching quite badly. "Itachi-san…why are you wearing…(twitch) a (twitch) bright pink (twitch, twitch) dress, un?" Deidara questioned softly, shuddering.
"Oh? Do you like it, Dei-chan?" Itachi questioned, setting his hand on the twitching man's shoulder. A bright, girly grin appeared on Itachi's face. A giddy light shone in the Uchiha's onyx eyes; the sharingan wasn't activated.
"Err…" Deidara didn't know what to do. He was being called DEI-CHAN by one of the most deadly criminals in the organization, for CHRIST'S SAKE! Someone must hate him up there…seriously…they must have a death wish for him! Probably have a casket bought and all lined with his favorite colors! Probably have it beside a grave with a tombstone with the engraving 'Here lies Deidara, traitor to the Stone Village and comrade to the Akatsuki. Cause of death, brain exploding due to insanity from dealing with said Akatsuki. He is not missed, but is not-so-lovingly remembered by the Stone, Leaf and Sand villages. Sorry, but the body was repeatedly destroyed by said villages including burning, sand down the throat, being tossed on some lovely stone stakes and left for the birds plus MANY other more horrifying things too explicit to put on this piece of stone'. He could just imagine the tiny writing.
"Itachi-san, I found the matching shoes!" Kisame came running over to the two Akatsuki members, bright pink hooker boots held firmly in one blue hand. "Oh, hi, Deidara-kun," he greets calmly, like he wasn't helping Itachi utterly dress in drag.
"AHHHH!"
"Was it something I said?" Kisame questioned, watching the blonde scurry away from the duo. Forget serious, they were the most insane pair in the Akatsuki!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rushing down the hall, horrified of the image that stuck firmly to his mind, Deidara stumbled into somebody quite solid. Falling over backwards, the image of Itachi finally gone, he looked up into the eyes of his road-block. "Kakuzu-san…" he mumbled, pushing himself up. "How are you today, un?"
Utterly ignoring the quite troubled member's attempts to be conversational, Kakuzu simply helped pull the man up. "Deidara-san, I need you to help me. I need to get this bounty in by tomorrow…" the money-obsessed member says, glaring down at Deidara with a look that said pain if he didn't agree to help. He shoved the bounty page into the traitor stone ninja's face before he could blink. 'Orochimaru. Wanted alive. Give to Tsunade of the Hidden Leaf Village. 372,881,991 yen promised to the finder.'
'Tsunade…the Hokage?' Deidara thinks, looking up. With an apologetic smile, Deidara shook his head. "I'm sorry, Kakuzu-san, but Leader-sama just sent me on a mission. I just got back, but I haven't seen him yet, un…" The refusal was polite and accurate and, sweat-dropping from Kakuzu's cursing, Deidara slunk away down the hall, hopeful to fine a place no one was residing.
"Tobi's a good boy…maybe I can get him to help…" A malicious grin crossed the ex-waterfall-ninja's lips.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Deidara sighed, cursing in a fluent amount of curses in several different languages. He stood before the holy man. "Good afternoon, Hidan-san...un…" Deidara squeaked out, hoping that if he's polite that Hidan won't insist on trying to shove his religious crap on him. Good news: he doesn't. Bad news: it's much, MUCH worse…
"Deidara-kun…come with me." Not letting the religious freak pull him anywhere, Deidara dug his foot into the floor, thankful that it is carpeted. "Come. On. Deidara-kun!" Hidan grunted, still trying to dislodge the man from his firm position. "COME ON!"
"S-sorry, Hidan-san, but I can't! I have to talk to Leader-sama, un!" Deidara cried, clutching onto the couch to give him a bit more support.
"Fine!" Hidan snapped, glaring coldly. Turning away, he muttered, "Next time, Jashin-sama. Next time we'll get him…" He broke off into an evil laugh, his shoulder's shaking slightly as, Deidara finally noticing, blood dripped from his fingertips from, most-likely, his latest sacrifice.
Deidara blinked and looked down at his cloak. Sure enough, small red stains adorned his cloak. The laughing continued and Deidara's blood turned frigid. "I…have to go, Hidan-san…un…" Running with all his strength, Deidara hurried away from the creepy holy man.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blinking, Deidara found himself in a room filled with plants. Slowly, horror entered his eyes as he desperately looked for an exit, and someone, nearby. The room was empty, other than the horde of plants. There isn't any big fly-traps, so Deidara deemed himself safe in the room. In fact, the only fly-trap in the room is right in the way of the exit. Quietly wondering just how he got in the room, Deidara stomped his foot impatiently. "I don't care about stupid plants, un!" he declared. With one quick movement, he hit the plant aside in anger.
"You just hit Jane…"
An 'eep' escaped the ninja from the Stone Village as he quickly spun around on his heel; the poor plant, 'Jane', lying on 'her' side. "Uh, uh, uh-" Not knowing what to do, Deidara stooped and gently lifted the fly-trap off of the ground and back in a sitting position, replacing 'her' dirt as well as he possibly could. "I-I'm so sorry, Jane! No offence, un…" he spluttered, bowing slightly. He couldn't help but think how much of a dork he must look at the current moment, bowing to a dumb plant in fear of the plant-man's wrath.
"H-he probably did it by accident. I don't believe Jane blames him for the accident!" the 'good' Zetsu claimed suddenly. Deidara is filled with hope of actually making it out of the room with his entire body intact. But, like all good things, that hope plummeted as the 'evil' Zetsu replied. "No…she, and you, is an idiot. Of course he wouldn't believe he did it on purpose…" the dark side retorted angrily. Deidara shivered and subconsciously lifted his arms to hug himself in fear. "He apologized!" the light side commented, seemingly trying to get the obvious criminal out of this disaster. "Hmm…true… But he is still at fault…"
While the two argued, Deidara saw his chance. Bowing once more to 'Jane', and feeling incredibly stupid afterwards, he quickly opened the door and fled. Unfortunately, he could hear the last of the conversation between Zetsu's split-personalities.
"He's at fault!" the dark side protested, his voice filled with rage and…anticipation? Deidara gulped and kept sneaking away from the mad-house. "I say we eat him…" An 'eep' nearly escaped his throat, but knowing that would give him away, Deidara held it back and kept going.
"No! He's our teammate and Leader-sama would get angry!" Suddenly, the voice cut off and silence reigned for a few seconds. "I wonder if he tastes good…"
As the last part was said, Deidara finally slipped past the corner and made a mad dash for Leader-sama's 'office'.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A soft knocking enters the silence of the hall. Breathing in a deep breathe, Deidara hesitantly repeated the action. "Leader-sama?" he called out quietly; scared. After repeating the process a few times, Deidara finally sighed and let his hand drop to his side. "I…I guess he's not here…" he quietly said.
"Hmm?"
Spinning around, Deidara looked up at the person who appeared suddenly behind him. "L-Leader-sama!" he sputtered with surprise before bowing slightly to be respectful. (AN: and not to get into any MORE trouble today…) "I…didn't see you…un…" he finished lamely, cursing himself for being so tense today. It's not like his fault, though, seeing as he has been put through so much utter hell already today.
"I see you're back. Do you have the mission report or are you going to do it verbally again?" Leader-sama said, a bored tone entering his voice as he gently pushed the blond aside and opened his 'office' door. It was actually more just his chambers, but it had been dubbed his office.
"V-verbally, I suppose…un…" Deidara stuttered, fear seizing him for reasons unknown to himself. He kept his head down, bowing once more. Silence enveloped the area harshly, forcing Deidara to look up into the smirking face of his leader.
"Then beg," Leader-sama claimed, pointing towards the ground suddenly. Deidara gaped slightly, not sure if he heard the master-mind clearly. "If you want me to accept it verbally, beg. On your knees! Lick my feet!" he ordered, chuckling evilly.
"I…uh…err…"
"I SAID 'ON YOUR KNEES'!" Leader-sama bellowed. Suddenly he blinked, watching the blond scurry away. He cocked his head to the side, wondering what he said to make the boy scream like that. "Eh?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!" Deidara begged, wrapping his arms around his attacker's ankles pitifully. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he kept begging, not caring that he looked utterly stupid at the moment. And that this was ruining the whole image he had worked so hard to gain. Hell, he killed the Kazekage for his image as 'bad-ass S-ranked missing ninja'. "I'll serve you…I'll give all the information about the Akatsuki to you!" he pleaded.
"Hmm…that's really lucky…is this a trap?" his captor contemplated, her hand gently cradling her chin as she thought about the offer. You see, his captor is none other than Tsunade; Fifth Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaves. And…well, she never captured him. He simply threw himself at her feet and started begging. "Why the hell would you do that?" she finally questioned, turning gold eyes to the groveling teenager at her ankles.
"My…organization is phsyco…don't make me go back!" he begged. He kept his arms around her ankles, still begging pitifully.
Tsunade sighed heavily, shaking her head. She bends down, trying to pry the insane teenager from her ankles. When he couldn't, she oinched the bridge of her nose in irritation. "This is going to be a long day…" she decided, sighing once more.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Haha! Told you it was a crack-fic. This is my first crack-fic, other than Beyblade MSN and Ninja Karaoke, posted. Hope you enjoy. It was fun to make!