AN:I found the first half of this one-shot a few days ago, on my laptop from a month or two back, and for some reason I was inspired to finish it. I can't promise that it's particularly good, or well-written, but I'd appreciate if you'd give it a read and let me know your thoughts! Thank you! This is set just after 5x24, anything that happens after that on the show such as Gossip Girl being a certain someone is not true to this fic.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot... If Gossip Girl was mine Dan and Blair would've been the ones getting married in 6x10.
Nobody is surprised when Blair returns to Chuck. Everybody has expected it from the start, everyone except Dan that is. When he realises Serena has duped him he is overcome with regret, thinking he has blown his own chances. When he realises that she had indeed chosen Chuck he is angry, hurt and resentful which overshadows the fact that he is the tiniest bit relieved that he hasn't betrayed her, or at least not to the same extent as he had thought. When she informs him of her choice he is gutted. He feels as though a knife has been put right through his heart. He realises now that whatever feelings he had described as heartbreak before were mere grazes and bruises. He and Serena had never left one another for someone else (her indecision over Nate and he had led to confusion, but was never the ultimate cause of their break up) and only now does he realise how truly devastating that feels. And so, Dan Humphrey does the only thing he knows how. He writes.
When Serena returns to the city on the arm of a forty-something year old man named Stephen, Dan exhales a sigh of relief. While he was furious at her for her betrayal of her best-friend, as well as his trust, he now understands her motivation. Even imagining Blair and Chuck together makes him want to punch something; how she had put up with living with Blair and seeing him with her at the breakfast table every morning he doesn't know, but he is impressed. Upon his return from his writer's retreat in Italy, he holes himself up in the loft, surfacing only to meet Nate for the occasional beer, and to go and buy groceries when his father neglects to do so. Rufus is strictly avoiding the Upper East Side and so it's only when it appears on Gossip Girl that Dan hears of Her return. Having avoided all posts tagged with Blair Waldorf all Summer, he was millimetres away from typing her name when he stopped himself. She didn't care about him, why should he bother with her?
When Dan's new book is released it is met with critical appraisal that surpasses that of his first novel. He appears on talk shows, and has a number of tour dates lined up where he is told he will sign fan copies, and read extracts. He squirms at the thought. Words seem less personal when put on the page; he fears that when spoken, the dialogue will immediately make people aware that the story was less fiction than he'd care to admit. Alessandra argues that the plot of heartbreak and regret is universal and so he reluctantly agrees to the tour, more out of obligation than desire. He can't help but wonder if she'll read the book, and how she'll feel if she does; remorse? glee? He tells himself he doesn't care, but he knows that's a lie.
After the success of his book, everyone on the Upper East Side wants a part of him. The invites to galas and openings flood in the door of his new Williamsburg loft. The majority he manages to avoid, through credible excuses he fabricates to avoid the tension he is sure would be felt. However, Nate is finally able to persuade him to attend the opening of a new art studio, claiming it is time he and Serena clear the air, both being anxious for a reconciliation. He agrees reluctantly, under the promise that Nate wouldn't abandon him at any stage of the night. When he sees Her he almost loses his resolve. Then he flicks his eyes to the left and sees Chuck attached to her arm which restores his icy resolve instantly. Serena is there, with Stephen, although from the lustful glances between Nate and Serena he is already predicting a break-up on their doomed horizon. After all, Serena is young enough to be his daughter, and while he seems nice, he doesn't strike Dan as the most interesting. He smiles; Nate and Serena will make each other happy. Serena and Blair's brief conversation is strained, although Nate certainly helps ease the tension, his amiableness always has been a key part of his ability to maintain friendships. Dan has a feeling that the girls' relationship will work itself out. After all, amazingly enough, it always has before, having undergone much deeper betrayals. He has already been informed by Serena that she has told Blair about their encounter, or rather, as she put it to her credit, her seduction of a heartbroken Dan. Dan will be forever grateful of Serena's loyalty. He loves her, truly he does but not in a way that is fulfilling enough to base a life on, and a relationship with her would only end up hurting them both. While she will always be his first love, or least his first version of romantic love, Serena and he, he has decided, are better off as friends.
He isn't particularly surprised when he reads of Chuck and Blair's engagement, in fact he has been expecting it. What does surprise him is the stab of jealously and sadness he feels reading it; he thought he was past it, especially now that he has Karen. Karen is a tall, raven haired journalist from Williamsburg, who has never shopped in Bendell's, hates black and white movies, has never been to France, and who loves Brooklyn as much as he does. In other words, she is everything Blair is not, which thinking back, was probably the only reason he liked her so much in the first place. He breaks up with her when she suggests they move in together. She calls him pathetic, cruel, misleading, and he can't find it in him to contradict her. After that he vows to stick to short term relationships and casual hook-ups. It's easier that way he resolves. Nobody can get hurt. He knows he can't get a bad reputation in the tabloids, Alessandra has warned him to try and maintain a degree of privacy in his personal affairs and he is all too happy to oblige.
The next time Dan sees Blair he is in Manhattan meeting with his editors when he stops to grab a coffee. She is standing in front of him in the queue, scanning the menu and in that moment Dan is overcome with longing. He decides to be the bigger person and says hello. She is surprised, that he can tell. Her face is covered in surprise, and also another emotion that Dan isn't able to distinguish. She says hello back and an awkward silence lapses between the pair until Dan asks her how her wedding preparations are going, to which she replies 'going' before announcing that she is going to have to skip the coffee or she will be late for an important meeting. Baffled, Dan nods and stupidly says the first thing that comes out of his mouth which is 'say hello to Chuck for me', to which she responds with first a confused look, followed by her famous withering stare. Dan shrugs and goes about his day as normal, pretending he hadn't felt that familiar jolt of electricity when he saw her. He's over her, at least that's what he has convinced himself.
Seeing Dan is a shock. It's easier to deny his existence when he isn't there, but seeing him- on talk shows, in newspapers, in magazines and especially in person- makes all her emotions come crashing back, threatening to overwhelm her. She had realised she'd made the wrong decision within two weeks, and admitted it to herself within a month. Dan had shown her that somebody could be happy in a relationship of equals, where they didn't compete, but supported each other. Once the honeymoon period of her and Chuck's reconciliation ended, the old games resumed. She was put on the shelf while he prioritised beating his father over their relationship. Even when he resumes his post as the head of Bass Industries she finds herself second to business. Chuck's desire to expand and gain more power makes her wonder if all she is to him is a prize to be won, something else he can control. And yet she she is engaged to Chuck because he is what she deserves. Blair is proud and snobby, she knows it herself, but she is also insecure. She knows that she made the wrong choice, and she knows that she does not deserve the kind of love she and Dan had if she was so willing to throw it away. Anyway, everyone had said it- they weren't surprised to hear she and Chuck were back together; they were inevitable she was told. All those people who knew and loved her couldn't be wrong, could they?
When Chuck proposed she was surprised, but pleased. Surprised because it had seemed as though she was an afterthought in his business filled schedule, a bed buddy. Yet, he had asked her to spend her life with him. She convinced herself that that was the reason for his distance before, he was nervous, he didn't want to give the game away. She laughs now when she thinks of that. If anything, once Chuck had secured his prize of a bride he threw himself into work with a renewed fervour. The sex become more lustful and needy on his part- it certainly couldn't be called love-making. The passion she had believed existed between them she now saw as desperation. She didn't just miss Dan's humour and intellect, or the way he used to look at her. She missed the way he would take her hand without realising, the way his brow furrowed when he concentrated, the way he held her in his arms when they lay together, heck she even missed Brooklyn at times, not that she would admit that, even if they were still together.
She tells herself Dan is her past and Chuck is her future. She throws herself in organising the perfect wedding, the socialite extravaganza of the year, although at least her and Chuck can agree on the fact that they are far from mere socialites who crave tabloid attention. No; the tabloids crave them. Successful, young, beautiful, and supposedly in love business people. The wedding will, she is certain be perfect. She try to ignore the fact that every night when she closes her eyes He is there with his brown eyes full of love, his curls unruly as they hold one another under the bedsheets. She tells nobody, not even Serena or Dorota, that when she imagines herself walking down the aisle she sees Dan instead of her future husband. Chuck gives her free rein of the wedding, except for the guest list and the location, which he insists be one of the Bass Industries establishments, to which she agrees. It makes sense, and it's good for business, just like the fact that she will wear a Waldorf Designs dress. She does her best to conjure up the excitement she knows Pre-Humphrey Blair would have felt planning her and Chuck's wedding.
Waldorf Designs is thriving. While some people in their heart break turn to crutches of the alcoholic variety, or in the case of some drugs, she devotes herself to Waldorf Designs when she isn't planning the wedding extravaganza. She finds she has a talent for it that she had never been patient enough to discover before. She plays a major role in the design of her own wedding dress, with her mother as her co-designer, and Serena providing her input by showing them her favourite design aspects of different gowns in the enormous pile of Bridal magazines that are collecting on the table of Blair's penthouse. Her and Chuck have yet to agree on a permanent housing situation. She is determined not to move into the Empire bachelor pad, and he is equally reluctant to relocate to her penthouse. They decide buying is their best bet, and are keeping an eye on the market, although business and wedding planning have taken precedence so far, with the couple dividing their time between both.
The single advantage of The Empire in Blair's eyes is the fact that Nate and Serena are always there. As Dan had predicted within a month of the gallery opening Stephen is old news and Nate and Serena are together again, this time it seems for good. Blair likes them together. Both bubbly and warm, they are fun to be around, and neither holds the other back. She's proud of Nate and what he's doing with The Spectator, but not as proud as Serena who brags about how wonderful he is without meaning to. Serena is committing herself to Columbia full time, something which makes Blair envious from time to time. She sometimes wishes she could step back and behave like a normal twenty year old and not worry about Summer and Fall Collections, but then she reminds herself that this is what she asked for, and that regardless of whether or not she was at the consumer or designer end, Summer and Fall Collections would always matter. She has reduced her course load so that although it will take double the amount of time, she can work on her academic career part time, and eventually obtain a degree. A part time enrolment in Columbia was certainly not what sixteen year old Blair would have expected, but an Ivy League qualification is still far from disappointing. She often wonders what would have happened if she hadn't tried to blackmail Rachel Carr, and if Dan had gotten the scholarship he needed for Yale. Would their friendship still have blossomed? Would they have fallen in love? Because yes, even though she never said it, and refused to acknowledge that he did, the fact is irrefutable; She had loved him, still does love him.
In spite of Nate's constant presence in the penthouse, Blair tends to forget that as his home, he is entitled to visitors outside of herself and Serena. He never mentions Dan and she never asks. She wonders if they are still friends, she thinks they are from what she remembers of the night of the gallery opening. She had been taken aback to see Dan there, and even more to see him fit in so seamlessly with the crowd in spite of his self-consciousness. She knows that seeing him certainly contributed to her early exit; Chuck had had to take her home after one too many glasses of Dom. He was suspicious of her unusual behaviour (usually at these events she is the picture of elegance and charm), but he was easy to seduce and she knows that he is too vain to have even considered her own self-doubt over choosing him as the cause of her distress. It's a Sunday afternoon with Blair sitting on the sofa beside Serena, thumbing through bridal magazines, when she has it confirmed that the Golden Couple are indeed still friends of Dan's, by the sound of laughter as the elevator door 'pings' open, and out steps Nate with Dan, who looks as handsome as ever if not more so. Blair freezes. She isn't expecting this. Feeling Serena's eyes on her she is quick to regain composure (but not quick enough she will find out), and greets the pair casually, pretending not to pick up on the awkward glances between Serena and Nate. The awkwardness is solved as Dan's phone starts to play some obnoxiously loud ringtone and he excuses himself to the balcony to take the call, with an apologetic smile towards Nate and Serena- he doesn't look directly at her. Nate apologises that with Chuck away on business he had made the incorrect assumption that she would not be there. She scoffs and feigns nonchalance, reminding him that she was the one to leave Humphrey and not vice versa. She wants nothing more than to stand her ground but she can't bear the thought of awkward chit-chat with the man she loves and so is overcome with relief when moments after Dan reenters that Serena reminds her of why she is at the penthouse in the first place, to meet the blonde to go and visit Lily and help her to come up with a theme for Eric's birthday. Afraid of looking weak she forces a warm smile and tells Dan it's nice to see him.
The weeks leading up to the wedding are a nightmare for Dan. Every time he goes online there are photos of Blair leaving a bridal store or rumours of how extravagant the affair will be. He starts avoiding Nate and Serena, unable to pretend he is happy for his ex-girlfriend. He knows now that loving her is not something which he can cease. He thought time would help but all it has done is numb the pain slightly. He will love her until the day he dies. That's not to say he likes her. He despises the way she has rendered him incapable of loving another, the way she has moved on, leaving him alone and broken while she flaunts her happiness with Chuck all around New York. He loathes himself too. He knows he's pathetic. And he hates that he's selfish enough to still engage in relationships, especially his most recent. When Vanessa returned he was so relieved to have somebody who would stand in his corner against the Upper East Siders without even considering the facts, that all her past transgressions were forgiven. He hadn't meant for their relationship to become one of romance again. One night they were drinking wine and laughing at one of her anecdotes from her travels, the next moment there was a companionable silence and then, suddenly their lips were pressed against each others, her fingers n his hair, his tongue in her mouth. The following morning he was going to apologise but when she smiled over at him across the pillow he couldn't bring himself to hurt her, and when she kissed him tentatively he relished the familiarity, and so he kissed her back. At least he thinks selfishly, she is a distraction from the upcoming nuptials.
The day of the wedding he wakes up early. He is restless in bed, so, careful not to wake Vanessa, he slips out of bed, grabbing clothes and putting them on in the kitchen. He makes himself a breakfast of waffles and orange juice, making waffles for Vanessa too. He finishes his own, clears up and finds himself still restless. He decides to take a walk. Grabbing a post-it he tells Vanessa he's going for a stroll and that breakfast is there to reheat whenever she wants it. Leaving it where she can't miss it, he leaves the apartment, careful to make sure the door is as silent as possible as he eases it closed behind him. He doesn't plan on it, but somehow his feet carry him all the way through Brooklyn into Manhattan, right to Central Park, a doomed romantic pilgrimage made by his father a mere five years previously. He finds himself at the duck pond, hands in his pockets, breath visible in the crisp morning air. He stares into the murky pond, and pictures what might have been. He could have been the groom anxiously getting ready for Blair to become his wife, although he imagines with a small smile that the ceremony would be a much smaller affair, and would certainly take place in a different venue. Lost in his thoughts he only jolts back to reality with the flap of a duck's wings beside him. His eyes follow the duck all the way to the other end of the pond where two women are feeding the ducks, one slim and average height, the other rounder and shorter. It's Blair he realises with a shock. As soon as the thought registers he knows he must leave before he is seen, but almost as if she hears her name in his head, she looks up at that moment and their eyes meet.
He's here, is the only thought that forms in her mind. For some reason, across the pond is the boy she loved, loves. And a few blocks away, in a bed, in a penthouse, is the man she's going to be married to in less than ten hours. She wishes he could see the look in her eyes. In that moment she wills all of her vulnerability to show, because even though she knows he could never love her after what she has done, she wants so desperately to believe that he does. He raises his hand, fingers slightly apart. It's an awkward move, but there's an innocence and insecurity to it that causes her heart to ache. He could have been mine… I could have been his. She smiles, and then realising he might not be able to see, she too raises her hand.
Her smile in that moment lights up her face, and when she raises her hand, Dan feels any ill-feeling he had towards her melt away. How could he not want for her to be happy? He knows he needs to accept that she chose Chuck. Chuck is the person that makes her feel the way she makes him feel. Both of their hands remain raised for a good ten seconds before he begins to feel foolish, and allows his to fall to the side. Suddenly he finds himself unsure of what to do. He stares at he one last time, not caring how awkward it may be. He needs to drink in this picture of her forever- who knows when he will next see her. She's so beautiful. He takes in her perfect pink lips, her porcelain skin, her brunette curls, and those beautiful , deep, expressive eyes of hers. And then he turns and walks away, with just one final glance over his shoulder. Goodbye Blair.
As he turns and walks away she finds herself remembering the conversation they had after her first wedding. I just need to know you'll be there for me. Her mouth lifts into a smile at the memory of what he said next: Always. And then the smile leaves her face because she realises it's her fault he will never fulfil that promise. He had offered her forever and she had turned him down. The one man who had seen every side of her and still loved her, the man who had made her feel special and loved in a way that she had never felt before, the man who had made her become the very best possible version of herself. And yet she had been too afraid of what that meant, of the power he could have over her with that knowledge. So she did the one thing she could to protect herself; she broke his heart before he could break hers. If only she had remembered then that Dan had never tried to control her- that was her betrothed. And if only she'd realised that she would be heartbroken without him regardless of who was responsible, because she hated herself more and more every time she thought about him, for what she had done to him, to herself, to them.
She doesn't know why but her feet start to move, faster and faster until she is running. She's at the edge of the park now and she can see her jacket on the pavement ahead, just outside the park gate. She calls out his name, still unsure of what she is doing, or what she will say next, knowing only that her tone is laced with desperation, and that God, it feels good to say his name again. He doesn't hear, and begins to cross the street so she calls again, more desperate even than before. This time he hears and she knows he will turn around causing her face to break into a grin as she quickens her pace towards him, hoping when it comes to it, instinct will take over, and then she sees it.
When he hears his name the first time he tells himself that he is dreaming. And then there it is again and he knows it's her- he'd know the sound of her voice calling his name anywhere. He looks over his shoulder and there she is, a smile so beautiful on her face, and in that moment he knows- everything is going to work out. He turns fully, and then he can't help but run towards her and then- Yellow. Black. Weightlessness. A crippling pain.
"Dan!" she calls, but this time her tone has taken on altogether different tone. She freezes. This can't be happening. The cab squeals to a halt and she hears a yell of 'somebody call 911!' She can't register what has just happened, doesn't know if the cab was going too fast or just didn't see him or if he walked in front of it; all that matters is getting to him. When she reaches him she pales. This is not good. She hears him croak her name. 'I'm here, I'm right here Dan!' she says desperately, already gripping his hand. A crowd have gathered around, and she can already hear sirens in the distance. His eyelids flutter but remain closed, and his grip loosens slightly. 'Stay with me Dan, do you hear me?! You can't leave, not now! I need you- I need us so you have to hang in there! I love you Dan! Do you hear me? I love you! And I'm sorry I never said it before, I was afraid and I am so so sorry, I-' He interrupts by whispering her name as forcefully as he can, and squeezing her hand. 'I love you too.' She knows he's too weak, that the ambulance won't make it and tears flood her eyes, realising that they will never get the chance to know what might have been. "I love you so much Dan", she whispers, pressing her lips to his one last time.
He feels nothing now, and then suddenly he hears her voice and calls out to her, to which she replies, and grabs his hand. She's really here, he marvels. He tries so hard to open his eyes but her can't. Already the darkness is closing in but he is fighting it, fighting to hold on to her voice and the feeling of her hand in his. She's yelling at him to stay, and then she's telling him that she loves him and he thinks his heart might burst. He has to stay, but it's getting so hard to focus. He hears her say it again, and forces himself to reply, 'I love you too.' He can't feel her hand anymore. He thinks he hears her voice say 'love' again but he can't be sure. And then he feels something press against his lips and he knows instinctively that it's her. He smiles, and then his eyelids stop fluttering.
What did y'all think? Let me know.
(Apologies for any errors or typos!)