Disclaimer: I do not own Bones

The Pain in My Heart

Zach was lying on the bed inside the hospital room. Caroline exited the room, her face a plaster mask over an explosion of emotions. She addressed us all in her prosecutor voice, steady, and calm.

"Zach confessed to killing the lobbyist. Stabbed him in the heart."

I felt my stomach flutter and my throat swell.

"He never ate anybody?" Angela asked nervously.

Caroline furrowed her brow reassuringly and shook her head. "No."

Too many thoughts crowded my head. I couldn't think. For the first time in years, I simply couldn't think.

"So how did this happen?" Angle asked, a flutter obvious in her voice.

At that, I responded automatically. "Logic."

Caroline turned to face me, her confusion obvious on her face. "No. I'm sorry Sheree, that might cut it with you egg heads, but this happened the way this always happens: a strong personality finds a weak personality and takes advantage. I hope we fry the guy."

Booth turned to Caroline and said "That's not going to be necessary."

I lifted my head, eyes widening slightly. I wished we could have watched him wither in court. Made him pay for what he had done. But he was another monster that the world will not miss. Someone who has terrorized countless people and now ruined my life. Some people simply don't deserve to live.

"Good riddance I say." Cam told the group.

Hodgins then voiced the question I had been asking myself for hours. "What'll happen to Zach?"

Caroline faced the scientist. "I cut a deal. He pleads guilty, cooperates, and we find him non compis mentis. That way Zach is moved to a secure psychiatric facility instead of going to prison."

My heart lurched at the thought of Zach going to prison, or worse, being executed. This way, he would live and not constantly be under the pressure of average prison life

The pain in my chest grew as I watched Sweets' face twist in confusion. "No. That won't stand up. Zach isn't actually insa-"

Booth grabbed his arm and pulled him away before he could finish. They talked, but I couldn't bring myself to listen. Zach was my assistant, my student, my colleague, my friend. I couldn't listen to them talk. I turned to face the hospital room.

I looked through the glass, my heart beating quickly. This pain that I felt was irrational. I did not have any heart conditions and yet the very mention of Zach's name gave me a familiar lurch within my chest. It was the same pain I felt for years after my parents' disappearance. I was being abandoned again. This time is wasn't by my family.

But when I raised my hand to wave, I suddenly recalled the Christmas we spent locked in the Jeffersonian, two years ago. I remembered all the family visits, how everyone pressed their hands to the glass, straining to touch each other. I remembered how all of Zach's family had pressed their palms to the transparent surface, and he had gone all down the line, touching the glass where each member of his family held theirs. And I knew, in that instant, that Zach was my family. My wave turned into an open palm pressed against the glass. Zach looked at all of us, lined up against the glass. I stared at him intently, hoping he got my message. He was part of my family now. He had been for years. Interacting with him caused a release of dopamine and other chemicals that Booth would describe as love. He was like my younger brother. And he was leaving me, just like all the family I had ever known. I gave him a sad half smile, my eyes filling with tears. He just stared at me, the two of us saying more in that ten seconds than anyone could say in a two hour conversation. We just stared.

Booth stood with me at the glass. And as everyone turned to leave, he took my arm and gingerly took me to the car. We drove back to the Jeffersonian in silence. I stared straight ahead, thinking of every time I had ever taken Zach for granted. Every time he amazed me with his intellect or hidden talents. My throat was tight, my chest hurt, and my eyes burned from the effort not to cry. No tears had escaped my eyes yet, and I was determined not to let that happen. If I cried, it would make the whole mess real. Zach really would be gone.

Booth opened my door and led me into the Jeffersonian. We walked up the stairs, to the lounge. Everyone was already sitting in silence around the table. I took a seat next to Booth and we all just sat there. Eventually Hodgins got up and walked away. We all watched him go, but nobody said a word. All of us, lost in thought, just sat.

Just as Hodgins returned, carrying a large box, Booth broke the delicate silence. "Probably could have spent more time with Zach. You know, get him to see the world a bit more."

Hodgins placed the box on the table. "All those things I say about secret societies and conspiracies, I never knew he was listening."

Angela spoke next. "I should have gotten him a girlfriend."

I stared at my lap, silent. I should have told him how I felt, how proud of him I was. Maybe then he wouldn't have turned to Gormogon for acceptance and praise. I failed him.

Cam piped up, irritated and exasperated. "Ugh you know what? To hell with Zach. He's an adult he made his choices. People are who they are, there's nothing any of us could have done for the guy."

At that, I raised my head. How could she disrespect him like that? He was part of my family. Neither of us knew it, but for years, Zach was mine. I was everything to him, and I never let myself realize how much I cared for him.

"We love Zach Cam."

She cut me off. "Yeah well he killed someone. He deserves to be locked up for the rest of his life."

I looked back at my hands, folded together in my lap.

Sweets spoke from somewhere across the table. "I feel I must point out that what Dr. Saroyan just said is obviously her way pf handling grief. She doesn't mean it. Quite the opposite in fact."

Cam took a deep painful breath and looked down. "I knew the day I met Zach he'd cause me pain"

Once again I looked up, glancing around the table. We were all silent, and I let my head fall again, staring at my hands.

Booth stood up. "So what'd you got there Hodgins?"

"This is uh-this is- this is Zach's favorite stuff."

Angela leaned forward. "Well what are we going to do with it?"

Cam spoke through her tears. "Where he's going they might actually let him have it."

I leaned towards the box, hearing but not listening to what the others began to say. They each pulled things out of the box, speaking of what they gave to Zach and why. Everything in the box were things people form the lab had given him. But I never gave him anything. All those years that he was my student, then my assistant, then my colleague. And I never gave him anything. There was not a thing for Zach to love from me because I never gave him anything. I loved him. He was part of my new "family" and I never let him know that. This was all my fault. He went to gormogon looking for the acceptance and the recognition that I never let him see. If only I had given him something, let him know how much I cared. This was all my fault.

When I finally started listening again, I only heard sweets. "That's interesting that all of his favorite things are objects that you people gave to him."

I spoke, my voice hoarse and low. "I never gave him anything." My heart lurched at the words spoken aloud.

Angela deflated just a little. "Brennan he totally loved you. I mean as much as he was capable."

I hardly heard her. "But I never gave him anything."

I stood and walked away. I couldn't face them anymore, I couldn't look at the box full of objects. It was too painful. They were just reminders that I had failed him. And he was now on trial for murder because I had failed him. I walked through the Jeffersonian, eventually siting on the great oak staircase. I let out a long breath, defeated and alone. My elbows landed on my knees and I covered my face with my hands. I had failed him. I had failed my family and they left me. And I had failed Zach and he left me. It all came back to me. I should have let him know how much I cared for him, how proud I was. I should have been smarter for Russ, been better behaved. Maybe he wouldn't have left. Maybe he would have found a way to stay. It all came back to me.

I heard approaching footsteps and looked up to find Booth sitting down next to me on the stairs. I turned back to stare at my hands. I couldn't look at him. He unfolded a piece of paper and began to read. I turned to look at his face, a torrent of emotions. As he read out loud, I read over his shoulder. It was the letter I sent Zach when I chose him to be my intern. My cheat tightened and my stomach felt like lead.

Booth turned to face me. "I think you gave him something great Bones."

I met his gaze, my own eyes filling with tears. He handed me the folded letter and I looked at it for a moment. Then I let my hand drop and leaned against my partner. My eyes closed, and a solitary tear ran down my cheek. He rested his head on mine, and I wondered to myself how much he knew. But I couldn't let him know. Because everyone I love, I fail, and they leave me. No. I couldn't possibly let him know.

Please review! I would love some constructive criticism. If you liked it and want more, review and request what scene/scenes you would like me to do.