This fic is a sequel to Joy Too The World: Grief, and references events in that story.

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Chapter 1

Joy to the World!

The Lord is come!

Let Earth receive her King!

The Christmas carol blared out over the loudspeakers of the crowded store, unconsciously urging the shoppers inside to spend more than they really could afford. After all, Christmas only comes once a year, and giving is what the holiday is all about, right?

I sighed, looking over the array of items displayed on racks, on shelves, in glass cases… nothing excited me. Somehow, this year, the Christmas spirit had passed me by.

And then, something caught my eye. Over in the corner of the 'Home and Gardening' section, with a clearance tag on it. There were a few of them; obviously these items were not big sellers.

But a hydraulic floor jack was something that interested me very much. I looked it over. It was a really nice model, and I suspected it was just a little too professional for the kind of customers this department store usually attracted.

It was just what I was looking for. And at the sale price, I could even afford it. It would make the perfect gift.

I had actually pulled out my wallet and was flagging down a sales clerk for assistance before reality hit me in the face.

Joe was dead.

He would never enjoy the perfect gift I had just found for him. He would never enjoy anything again.

We had left him there, on that cold Himalayan plain, among the crumbling statues disguising the entrance to Galactor Headquarters; left him alone, to die without the rest of us, even though I had always promised myself that I would never abandon him if he needed me.

He had needed me.

I had let him down.

Of all of the times to listen to Ken, instead of to my heart, I had chosen the worst one possible. As soon as we had entered the base, I had known that I had done the wrong thing. I had tried to redeem myself by not letting Ken die alone, but that was of no help to Joe, whom I had utterly betrayed.

Maybe, if I had stayed with him…

I had been down this road before. Maybe… what if… could have been… I just didn't know what would have happened had I stayed with Joe. We had never found his body. Perhaps he had been buried in some deep chasm created by the earthquakes. And I would be dead too…

But I would be with him.

We would have died together.

Somehow, that seemed better than what I was dealing with now.

I sank down onto a nearby bench, cheerful holiday shoppers passing me by as I covered my face with my hands, willing myself not to cry. It had been nearly ten months since that horrible day, and I had thought that I was over this.

Apparently I would never be over this.

Which was as it should be. I had committed an unforgivable act of betrayal. Why should I ever be able to forget my crime?

Out of the throngs of people emerged a familiar face. Brilliant blue eyes framed by messy auburn hair topped a slim, muscular frame I knew nearly as well as my own, despite the fact that he no longer wore his Number 1 t-shirt. Instead, Ken was dressed, as I was, in 'regular' clothes, a watch replacing the spot on his left wrist that his bracelet used to occupy.

His face bore a concerned expression, and I could see his eyes looking around for the shopping bags I was supposed to have accumulated.

"Find anything, Jun?" he asked with a forced cheerfulness.

"No." I said simply. It hurt too much to explain.

"Let's just go home." I sighed.

"If that's what you want." Ken said, holding my elbow and helping me up as I surveyed the crowds.

"Not really." I muttered. "But it's better than staying here."

Ken looked at me sharply, then steered me through the masses of shoppers and out onto the busy downtown streets. His hand on my elbow was gentle, but firm. I allowed myself to be swept along, not really having any reason not to be, but I somehow felt that had I wanted to get away, Ken wouldn't have let me.

After a few minutes of walking, Ken guided me into a little café, sitting me down at a small table.

"Don't go anywhere." he told me. His voice was kindly, but there was the familiar undertone of command. I felt like an unruly child being warned by a frustrated parent.

I nodded my agreement, and Ken went off to the counter, coming back a few minutes later with two croissants and two large mugs of hot chocolate.

"Thank you." I said, gratefully wrapping my cold fingers around one of the mugs.

"Anything for you, Jun." Ken said softly, looking at me in that special way. The first time he had given me that look, I had fallen head over heels for him. I hadn't quite been thirteen yet, and Ken had been having some silly argument with Joe. I didn't even remember what it had all been about. But I remembered that I had opened my mouth to side with Joe, and Ken had just looked at me that way… and I had felt like I was melting inside.

I had had it bad for Ken. I had basically followed him around for about six months, which I'm sure his fourteen-year-old ego had loved. But then one day he had just decided he'd had enough of that, and he had started giving me the cold shoulder. Of course, by then I had had a serious crush going, and it had taken me a couple of years to really get over it. But even now, once in awhile, Ken would give me that look, and all of those memories would come flooding back.

I knew Ken cared about me. He cared about everyone on the team. And every so often I even got a hint that it might be something more. But that's all it ever was… just a hint. Sure, I fantasized about him every so often, but I had long ago given up on Ken Washio. Something deep inside of me told me that he wasn't the one. Now I wasn't sure how I was ever supposed to meet 'the one', but ever since that Galactor had been defeated and the Science Ninja Team put on permanent hiatus, I supposed I had had the opportunity.

Ken's look didn't set my heart immediately fluttering the way it had used to, but it did manage to lower my defenses.

"I appreciate what you're trying to do, Ken." I said quietly, unsuccessfully attempting to hide the tears slipping down my face with the mug of hot chocolate. When it became clear that hadn't worked, I put the cup down, avoiding Ken's gaze and hoping he would just let me be.

"You know that Joe wouldn't want this for you." Ken whispered, placing his warm hand over mine on the table.

"I know."

"He wanted you to be happy." Ken continued, his quiet voice pounding away at me like a jackhammer. "At Cross Karokorum, he told you to…"

"Just stop, Ken!" I snapped, raising my head to look at him, my eyes blazing with anger. "I know what Joe told me. I don't need you to remind me." I yanked my hand away from his, crossing my arms in an unconscious imitation of Joe's old trademark pose.

But despite my best intentions, I found my mind dwelling on Joe's last words to me.

You get along well with Ken now… go find yourself some happiness like other girls.

I knew what those words implied, and so did Ken. At times, I found myself incredibly angry with Joe, that he would presume so much about me. But deep down, I knew that he had meant what he had said… he had just wanted me to be happy. He had thought that Ken was the best way for me to achieve that happiness.

Of course, if that were true, then I was destined to have a pretty miserable life. Ken had been trying to drag me out of my melancholy mood for months now, by spending time with me. If that was my best chance at happiness…

It wasn't working.

I had tried. Really I had. But every time I was with Ken, all I could think about was how someone was missing. We had always been a threesome… until now.

"I didn't mean to pressure you." Ken lied. He gave me that look again. Damn, it still worked. I felt myself capitulating.

"I know." I lied back. "Let's just talk about something else, okay?"

"Okay." Ken replied, smiling at me. He reached out to take my hand again, and I let him, so that he would think that I had put his comment behind me.

But I hadn't. It gnawed at me, deep inside.

Joe had wanted me to be with Ken.

What if that wasn't what I wanted?

As if I needed something else to feel guilty about.