The Queen of the Crown has stolen the disclaimer saying that I don't own any Galaxy Ranger Characters. I just realized that not too many people write fics depicting the Queen's point of view. And then I realized maybe there's a reason for that.
Queen's Lament
All I want is to rule my empire, conquer billions of worlds and have an infinite number of slaverlords to spy and torment my subjects with. Is that so much to ask?
I can't even get good slaverlords anymore. I've killed off nearly all the species that create halfway decent ones. And those species that are left barely last a few months. I knew I should have listened to my Chief Science Officer and instituted some kind of breeding program. Before I executed him that is.
I've even gone so low that I had to try and make slaverlords from simple creatures. Like those Barloovian Sponge Fish. It took a whole tank full of them to make one but it got stuck into a wall when it walked into it. I had to shut down the lab for a week in order to get the renovations done!
I've only got one decent psychocrystal made from a human and I can barely use it because it's too valuable. I've tried and tried to get more humans but I can't! I need good strong slaverlords to keep an eye on my empire! Spydroids just don't get the job done!
Not that I have much of an empire left these days.
Here is what I don't understand. I employ or know of at least a couple hundred bounty hunters in my empire. I've offered a huge reward for humans for my psychocrypt and/or threatened violent death if I do not get any. And do I get any? No. I don't.
How hard is it to capture a human? Never mind Earth or any other well guarded colony but there are stray humans running all over the place. Outlaws, unguarded outposts, tourists…
And my army hasn't managed to capture a single one? Just one lousy human? The odds of that are astoundingly unrealistic! Either I employ the most incompetent fools this side of the galaxy or…
Or nothing. I do employ the most incompetent fools this side of the galaxy!
Maybe I should just chuck my vanity aside once and for all and hire women to run my operations? They can't be any worse than the moronic males I come into contact with on a day to day basis.
Take a look at this list of no hit wonders which makes me wonder why the hell haven't I killed them all sooner.
Lazarus Slade: An ego ten times bigger than his actual IQ. Note to self, never put him in charge of an armada ever again! Especially when it comes to shopping for power sources! Actually I wouldn't even put him in charge of the royal kitchen. A cheapskate who actually thinks he can woo me with stupid plans for intergalactic conquest right out of a science fiction cartoon. Whatever happened to flowers, candy and jewels? For a man who is supposed to be a genius he can't even figure this out!
Not that I would ever even consider dating him. Please, I have some standards. The only reason I don't turn him into a slaverlord is that I'm afraid he'd decontaminate the entire psychocrypt!
Like he did the royal bathroom. Don't ask.
Crown Android Troopers: The biggest waste of scrap metal in the universe. Oh yes they're obedient all right. Too damn obedient! They fall for the stupidest imitations of my voice and end up walking into walls or blowing each other up.
Not to mention they're also the greediest trigger happy tin cans ever to walk off an assembly line. I've caught them blowing each other up over gambling debts more times than I can count. I've gone through forty seven programmers and each one turns out to be more incompetent than the last!
Mogul...The less said about that four armed twit the better. Sometimes I wonder if his incompetent assistant Larry is smarter than he is. Probably not by much...
Nimrod the Cat…Well there's not that much to say about him except he spends way too much time in front of a mirror dancing to musicals and too little time coming up with halfway decent plans. On the upside at least he knows how to put on a show.
Ryker Kilbane: I think it's pretty obvious why I can't stand him. Again I don't throw him into the psychocrypt because I have standards. Plus I do admit I enjoy watching him go into fits every time someone mentions how great Gooseman is. It's more entertaining than Tri-D.
And let us not forget (even though we may try…Oh how we try) the endless parade of pirates, thieves, backstabbing losers and maniacs that try to scam a quick credit off of me.
Out of all of them the only person who is competent at his job is the Royal Fool. Why do I keep him around even if he isn't that funny? Let's just say he knows how to bring a smile to my face and leave it at that.
I don't know how much more of this I can take. I can't get any decent slaverlords. My soldiers are incompetent buffoons. My generals are even worse (the ones that are still alive anyway). I have an imperial wizard with all the skills of a third rate children's party magician. I'm losing planets and star systems faster than a celebrity loses weight on a diet. Those Galaxy Rangers make my life a living hell. I've got defective memory birds flying all over the place. And to top it off people make fun of the way I dress.
I know what they say about me. 'Queen of the Crown, the Snow White Queen gone cosmic'. I can't help having good taste in outfits. It's comfortable, but stylish. It says 'I'm royalty. Do what I want or off with your head!'
Speaking of empty heads two of my Crown Troopers walk in with a pizza. What are they doing with a pizza? What? I didn't order a pepperoni pizza! I don't even like pepperoni pizza! I don't care what you say! I didn't order…
BOOOM!
Oh goody, the Galaxy Rangers are here to rescue whoever it is I've captured this week. There goes the decorating budget again!
BOOM!
Another day, another billion credits worth of damage. Shoot them! Shoot them you idiots! How can you miss? They're right in front of…No! Wait! Stop! Don't shoot at the…
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
The fuel tanks…terrific. Now I have to call my decorator again! I don't know who programs the target sensors in these damn things but whoever it is, is so going to be executed!
BOOOOOOOOOM!
That's it. I'm taking up a new hobby. Archery while drinking hard liquor ought to do it. Better call Slade in. I could use a good target.