The next morning dawned bright and clear. Dean opened his eyes and immediately looked for Sam. His brother was still in the same position, head on Dean's chest, hands loosely gripping his shirt. Dean smiled and tightened his arms around his brother. He again sent up a prayer of thanks to Cas for getting him here in time. Another day, hell another hour, his brother would be dead. Again. Dean sighed, berating himself for his behavior. He carefully got out from underneath the human furnace that was his little brother and went into the bathroom.
Sam woke up a few minutes later. He looked around, confused. He could have sworn Dean had been there last night. Had stitched him up. Had apologized. Had declared it time to start over. Had saved him. Now there was no sign of Dean. I dreamed it, he thought sadly. He sat up too fast and became dizzy from the blood loss he'd sustained. He sat for a moment until his head cleared, then he quietly got up and headed for the door. As he reached for the handle a voice said, "what are you doing out of bed, Sammy?"
Sam turned too fast and before he could even brace himself for the fall Dean was there steadying him. "Whoa, easy there kiddo. You're still a bit low. Come on, sit down before you really take a header."
"Dean?" Sam asked once he was seated on the bed.
"Yeah?" Dean asked absently. He was busy unwrapping the gauze to check the stitches.
"I thought–I didn't see you and I thought..." Sam stopped. He looked away, trying to swallow past the lump which had lodged in his throat.
"You thought you'd dreamed it all?" Dean asked gently. Sam looked at his brother and nodded. Dean's eyes were full of sympathy. "I'm here, Sammy," he said quietly. Dean squeezed Sam's hand which had knotted itself in Dean's shirt. Far from complaining, Dean let the hand be. He'd expected Sam to be extra clingy. He just hoped that Sam didn't mind not being out of Dean's sight for the next hundred years or so.
Sam watched silently as Dean continued checking the stitches and putting more ointment on to prevent infection. His hand never let go of Dean's shirt and he was surprised that Dean wasn't complaining. When Dean was done, Sam stood up again and Dean stood with him. "Whatcha need, Sammy?" he asked.
"Bathroom," Sam replied.
"Okay. Let's go nice and slow, okay?" Dean wrapped an arm around Sam's waist and gently guided him to the bathroom. Once there he said, "you okay to do this solo?"
Sam nodded and Dean said, "okay. I'll be right outside. Leave the door cracked." When Sam was done, Dean opened the door and again guided Sam to the bed. He called the diner across the street and cajoled them into delivering breakfast. Once that was done, Dean sat down beside Sam to wait.
"Dean?"
"Yeah?"
"Why do you want to stay? I thought you preferred Benny. Cas told me you were heading to meet him."
"I was. Cas zapped me here. We went all through this last night, Sammy. I was an ass and I'm sorry for that. I treated you like crap and I had no right to. I just didn't know how close you were to...to, um..." Dean stopped, unable to say it.
"Suicide?" Sam supplied.
Dean glared at him but nodded. "Yeah."
Sam looked at Dean and said, "you don't have to stay, you know," he said quietly. Dean stared at him. He heard the words but one look in Sam's eyes and Dean knew what Sam really wanted.
"I know I don't have to, Sammy. I want to."
"Why?"
Dean sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. A knock at the door made him jump up. Saved by the bell, he thought with relief. He opened the door and accepted the food, handing the delivery man a wad of cash. As he closed the door and headed back to the bed he tried to figure out how to answer Sam's question.
He doled out the food and the two ate in silence for a while. Sam staring at his plate, Dean staring at Sam. He could tell his brother had lost weight. A lot of weight. He was paler than Dean had ever seen him and his eyes were haunted. He looked as if he wasn't sure whether he'd won the lottery or just lost his best friend. Maybe both at the same time. His face was a study in warring emotions.
Sam ate quietly, oblivious to his brother's steady gaze. He was thinking about what his brother had said. 'I want to.' Maybe he really does want to stay, Sam thought. The next minute that damn little voice was back. Why would he want to stay with you? You're a burden. You're a terrible brother; didn't he tell you that himself? He's just biding his time waiting for you to get well and then he'll be gone again.
"Cut it out, Sam," Dean said suddenly jerking Sam out of his thoughts.
"What?"
"I can hear you loud and clear." Dean sighed and pushed the rest of his food away. He looked at Sam and said, "I need you to listen to me, Sammy. Okay?"
Sam nodded but tears welling in his eyes betrayed his thoughts. Dean said, "okay. Number one you are not a burden. Got that?"
Sam nodded. He and Dean knew each other so well he was no longer surprised when it seemed as though Dean could read his mind. "Number two," Dean continued. "You are not a terrible brother. And number three, and this one's the clincher. I am not going anywhere," he said firmly. "I am not going anywhere, Sammy. Like it or not, you're stuck with me. The only way I'm going anywhere is if I'm in the Impala and you're riding shotgun. Period."
"But..." Sam started. Dean held up his hand.
"No buts, Sammy. Look," Dean said. "I was lost for a while. Purgatory does that to you. Everything there is crystal clear and in focus. Up here it's, well, it's not. Down there it's black or white. Kill or be killed. Up here I've got my pain in the ass brother telling me there's things that don't deserve to be killed. It took a while but I think my head's finally caught up with the rest of me. I knew I wasn't down there anymore, but my head didn't. I kept looking for the obvious tells. Leviathans around the corner. Wendigos hiding in the trees. Benny, Benny saved me. He's the one who found the portal to get us back. He couldn't come through because it's only humans. I let him hitch a ride and brought him out. I felt I owed him that."
"How'd you let him hitch a ride?" At Sam's question, Dean pulled up his left sleeve to show Sam the scar where he'd sliced his arm open to let Benny in. Sam stared in horror. "You let him get inside you? Are you crazy, Dean? He could have infected you!"
"No he couldn't have, Sammy. It's blood to blood. He wasn't in my blood he was under my skin. Big difference. Besides, if he'd wanted to turn me he had plenty of opportunities down there. He never did. Not once.
"Anyway," Dean continued, "once we got out I poured him back into his body." Dean shuddered, remembering how it felt to pour something out of him and his amazement at Benny's appearance only minutes later. "Told him to be good. That we had to go our separate ways. He agreed. It was part of our deal. I left to head for Bobby's cabin and he, I guess, headed for Louisiana. Soon as I got to the cabin I called you. Never expected to hear from him again but he ran into some trouble and, well, you know the rest."
Sam nodded. Dean looked at him and said, "so?"
Sam looked at Dean bewildered. "So what?"
"So what now?" Dean asked.
Sam looked at Dean. "I don't know," Sam replied slowly. "I just...I guess I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around this. Yesterday I'm a horrible brother, not worth your time or energy and today you don't want me out of your sight. I don't know what to do or what to believe anymore, Dean. I do know that I don't want to fight with you anymore. Seems all we've done since you got back is fight and I'm exhausted. I can't do it anymore. Beyond that..." Sam lapsed into silence.
Dean nodded and said, "I get it, Sam, I do. But believe me when I tell you that right here? This is the only place I want to be. You are the only partner I want backing me up. I don't want Benny or Cas. I want you. I know I've not been there for you lately and I've said some awful things. I...I know it all can't be fixed overnight but I want to fix it. I do. But I can't fix it alone, Sam."
Sam looked at Dean nodding. "I want it fixed, too, Dean," Sam said softly. "I'm just so afraid I'm going to wake up one morning and you'll be gone. It'll be too much for you and you'll see I'm not worth it."
Dean's eyes widened and he grabbed one of Sam's hands gripping it tightly. "You are worth it, Sammy. If you wake up and I'm gone, it's only to get breakfast and I'll be back. I will not leave you again. Not ever. Hell, I'll even leave you a note if that'll make you feel better. But please trust me, Sammy. We can't begin to fix this if we don't trust each other. I trust you. I need you to trust me."
Sam looked at Dean. Dean stared back at him, his eyes full of hope. "Please, Sammy," Dean begged softly.
Sam squeezed Dean's hand and said, "I trust you, Dean." Dean let out a breath Sam was sure he didn't realize he was holding and squeezed Sam's hand again.
"Thank you, Sammy."
Sam looked quizzically at Dean. "For what?" he asked.
Dean looked at Sam and said, "for being my brother."
Sam smiled. "Jerk," he said.
Dean's face broke into a grin. "Bitch."