Disclaimer: I don't own Link. If I did, Sheik would NOT be who it really is. That, and I would have a lot more money than I do. Anyone want to make donations to a poor college/working-girl:)
This is what I thought after playing... the game. What is "the game"? You'll find out at the end...
"Oh no! Link, this is terrible!" said Impa, the small, elderly elfin woman who was also Princess Zelda's guardian. "Link, such a horrible fate has befallen our kingdom! I beg, you must help us, please!"
Link nodded, eyes wide and sincere. "Yes, Impa? What is it this time? Has Ganon come back and captured the princess? Has he set the seven maidens of the noble wise men's bloodline into tiny crystals and tossed them into the depths of large, sinister dungeons, only so I can risk certain death to save them?"
"Oh, heavens, no—."
Link continued. "Must I travel through time and space, into dark and unpleasant parallel dimensions, to fix the Golden Land and restore the power of the triforce to peace and light?"
Impa shook her head, sobbing. "Oh, no, no! This is not—!"
"Then," Link pulled out his sword, swishing it around as though killing fierce enemies. Instead, he hit a few overgrown bushes and found twenty rupees. "Must I defeat an evil wizard, or the Moon, or some weird kid with a mask, or play the ocarina and make pretty music, saving seasons and so on?"
Impa sighed, bowing her head. "No, it is far worse than all that, Link…"
Link put his sword away, setting a comforting hand on Impa's shoulder. "What is it, then, Impa? What can be worse than all that?"
"Ganon has--."
"See? I knew Ganon was involved!"
"—stolen the triforce, and set each piece in some distant location, surrounded by ravenous beasts, horrible boss-type characters with difficult multi-part weaknesses, traps, and…"
"Yes?"
"…And…"
"…Yes?" Link tapped his foot impatiently. "Yes, Impa, what is it?"
"And… they stole the princess…"
Link nodded. "Yes, yes, I know that..."
"But there is more!" Impa continued, grave face growing even more somber. "Ganon last words before teleporting away… 'Link shall face his greatest challenge yet! In order to save the princess, and the triforce, he must face every obstacle not with his sword, but with his best dance moves."
Link paled.
"Yes, Link," said Impa slowly, holding back her elderly sobs. "Ganon has invited you… to a dance contest…"
"God, it's not like that gay Mario DDR game, is it!"
"I'm afraid so, Link…"
"NOOOOOOOO!"
...And thus, our hero Link sets off on his worst adventure yet.
The lesson? Never play Mario DDR.
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