A/N: This was written for a Live Journal prompt "All the world's a stage...." This is just for the lols!! Please let me know what you think!
Seds
* * *
Batman was exhausted. The clown had succeeded in eluding him yet again, taking him on a fruitless, if scenic, tour around the Narrows, and now Batman was ready to call it a night and go home.
Whatever the Joker was up to, it didn't seem to involve mass destruction, murder, or a time-sensitive hostage situation, so in reality, Bats wasn't too concerned. He had figured that if the Joker was foolish enough to give him the opportunity to apprehend him, he should take him up on it, but he had been too slow. That was ok, there would be other chances. For tonight, he was done. For tonight, as far as the Bat was concerned, the curtain had come down on the last show of the evening.
Batman made his way to the alley where he had left his vehicle and was just about to fling open the driver's-side door, flop in, and wheel the hell out of there, when he caught a flash of whirling purple fabric out of the corner of his eye. He turned as well as he could in his cowl, but the apparition had disappeared as quickly as it had manifested itself, leaving behind no trace of its existence; however, Bats now noticed a door in the dark facade of the building behind him, and he pondered the thought: was it worth it?
The caped hero sighed. All right. Perhaps tonight's performance had one more act.
* * *
Bats tried the door, expecting it to be locked, barred, chained, something, but to his surprise, it easily swung open in his hand. He tentatively stepped inside the old building, and was struck by the smell of stale air, motor oil, and rust combined with cigarette smoke, pot, and, strangely, patchouli oil to create an oddly welcoming atmosphere. He silently made his way through the empty, long-abandoned warehouse space and came to another door. He stood still a moment, listening, evaluating.
He could discern muffled voices. He placed his hand on the door and, again, found easy entrance. He was let into a hallway; there were doors on each side, presumably old office spaces, and at the end of the passageway, a thread of bright light shown under the door. The voices were louder, and Bats thought there were at least three separate speakers.
He advanced down the way to the door, and again paused before attempting to gain entry. Two of the voices were completely unfamiliar, but the third...yes, there was no mistaking that nasal, Midwestern lilt. The Joker. And he appeared to be barking orders.
"LOOK at me! No, no, look at me...." Batman could now hear gruff, individual words as he slowly pushed forward on the knob. There was no response to his movement, so he continued until he had fully entered the room. He gasped at the horrifying tableaux laid out before him. His senses were bombarded by a scene so disgusting, so repulsive that the dark knight felt a rush of bile rise in his throat. How could even the Joker engage in something so appalling?
"My God!" he exclaimed, sickened.
The man he had tangled with for so long in battle was now tangled in the arms--and legs--of another man. And not just any other man...Batman bit his lip to keep from screaming as he realized that the man lying on top of the green-haired, face-painted assassin was a sleazy, rather grubby, mockery of himself, naked but for a mask and cowl clearly inexpertly cobbled together from cheap pleather or vinyl. An equally poor replication of his cape lay in a heap on the floor next to the rickety old iron bed the two men were fornicating upon with considerable enthusiasm.
It was all too easy to discern precisely what sex act was being performed as the "Batman" reared back on his knees, affording the observer an excellent view of where his condom-sheathed member was being inserted--into the Joker--in what appeared to be perhaps not the most comfortable pose for making love. It was, however, a fine position for the action to be captured...on camera.
Batman suddenly felt a strong hand on his shoulder and he turned to face a doppelganger of the clown-faced man on the bed. Bats slowly looked from one to the other and, upon further inspection, realized that the performer on the bed was another cheap imitation of the real Joker who was, in actuality, standing before him, fully dressed in his usual attire--except for the addition of a beret and a megaphone--a quizzical grin on his face.
"See anything ya like, Bats? Hey, Chad, Brent--don't stop now! Come on, babies, this is for the money! Camera guy, don't you dare miss that cum shot, we've been waiting all night for this...you guys know what to do. Brent, when the time comes, aim that thing right on his tummy. Hey, Tony, I'm taking a little break but when you're done, I want to see those rushes immediately!"
The Joker slipped his hand under Batman's elbow and genially led him off to an alcove away from the hot lights and the smell of the perspiration-filled air.
"What...the hell...is going on?" Bats demanded furiously.
"What? Oh! We're making a little art film--what's the matter, you got something against the acting profession?"
"Those men...they look like...us."
"Yeah, I know! Brilliant, huh? I figure this could reach international distribution, it's definitely headed for Hong Kong, well, Taiwan, anyway...."
"Why? Why would you do this?"
"Do what?"
"Create such a travesty of...of our...relationship."
"Relationship? Come on, Batsy! It's art. Art reflects life! What's wrong with that?"
"Life? For one thing...I'd never...do anything like that....with you," he sneered.
"Yeah, well, don't flatter yourself, big guy, if I ever go queer, I'll find someone who's a little more of a snappy dresser. This isn't about us...it's a performance. With actors. You know, all the world's a stage...."
"But, why?"
"Everyone needs a creative outlet! And, to tell you the truth, Bats, I can't say I haven't had my little, uh, fantasies...this is a handy way to work through 'em, you know, try 'em on for size, without having to reveal my true nature...."
"True nature?"
"Yeah, as a legit film director! I could never get this kind of experience if I started out in Hollywood...."
"I thought you were a criminal mastermind...."
"Yeah, sure, but what I really want to do is make films. It looks pretty easy. I mean, there's not much difference between planning a bank job and directing a movie. It's just a matter of learning the ropes. I figure I'll go from porn to a few low-budget horror films--I got lots of ideas for those--and work my way up to small but meaningful independent works that'll garner critical acclaim. That, or I'll go for cult status, that'd be good too."
"Why gay porn?" Bats asked, mystified.
"Hey, straight porn's for sissies. Anyway, that stuff's a dime a dozen, nobody's gonna pay big bucks with the internet featuring a bunch of amateurs doin' it for free. Here, at least, I'm developing a niche."
"Niche?"
"Yeah, Bats and Joker doin' it--the series! I've already got two in the can, the first one's of us goin' at it in an alley, and the next one's on a rooftop, and...."
"It's not us, you freak...."
"Well, you know what I mean. Anyway, it was nice of you to drop in, but unless you want to put in a guest appearance--I'd be glad to give you an on-screen credit, but I'm not payin' ya--I really have to get back to the scene, those guys'll wander off at the drop of a hat...hey, Tony, where's the fluffer? Get Chad up, he's on top next!"
"You better close down this little operation right now, Joker."
"What?...why?"
"Because I have this costume copyrighted and I'll sue your ass if those things ever get distributed...."
"You monster...."
"That's right."
"But, I've put hours into this!"
"Well, that's too bad. Anyway, I can't believe you picked such a wimpy looking guy to play me, and that set is disgusting, do you really think I'd ever make out with somebody in a place like that?"
"But, those costumes cost a fortune!"
"You were robbed. Anyway, why would you pay for the Joker's outfit, why not just let him use your own clothes?"
"Ewww. You think I'd let those porno geeks wear my personal duds? No way!"
"Well, sorry to spoil your fun, but...."
"Now, just a minute, Bat-brain. If you won't let me use the Bat-likeness, that's ok. I'll just be sure to start a rumor...the guy doin' the Joker was played by Bruce Wayne...."
"You...fiend...."
"Yeeeah. It's tough, playing two roles in life, isn't it?"
"You have no idea...."
"Oh, you might be surprised...."
With that, the Joker gave a triumphant smirk and turned on his heel, heading back to his set.
Batman, emotionally beaten, turned slowly toward the exit.
For him, at least, the night's performance had been a real turkey.