This was originally written as a post on the OW forums as a joke, but it got buried too fast to ever get read by anyone, so, feeling sad about the little short of an hour of time I had poured into this, I decided to maybe post it here at least in hope of someone enjoying it at least. Note that I actually have no real idea what is considered to be the meta in this game anymore since I haven't played comp in quite a while, so I am fairly sure this isn't accurate. Even more so since this was written before the Sombra buffs/nerfs as well as Brigitte's release. Regardless of that, I think it's still a fun little read, even if not entirely accurate.
The barkeeper of the Meta saloon sighed sadly as today was the day one of his regular guests was about to depart. With a sorrowful look he watched as Angela Ziegler pulled her big suitcase behind her with a displeased frown, heading for the door.
"We both always knew it had to end like this, no?" Moira told her with a mischievous smirk, earning her an angry one from the blonde doctor in return as she handed her a receipt.
"Don't forget to take your medicine."
Raising a brow at that, Moira read out the prescription aloud: "Oral use: Male genitalia. Take one in the morning and repeat as necessary." Moira chuckled in amusement. "Clever."
"Sadly, there is no cure to what you have, but it's a start." The doctor told her with fake concern.
"You may be bitter about this all you want, but it was obvious from the start that you would end up like this. I told you we should not limit our research based on arbitrary things such as ethnics. Such foolishness is what earned you your current situation, no?"
"Natural selection!" Both ladies heard a certain gorilla shout from the other end of the bar, earning him an approving chuckle from her Irish colleague and a roll of the eyes from the Swiss one.
"Exactly." Moira obviously agreed.
Leaving at last, Angela took the opportunity to turn around one last time, pointing her index finger at Moira threateningly. "Mark my words. I'll be back."
"Like herpes, I bet."
Angela groaned at that, but made no further retort as she finally exited the building where she ran into quite a sight. Jamison Fawkes, preferably referred to as Junkrat, and Sombra were arguing with Jack Morrison who was guarding the entrance to the Saloon.
"Come on, mate. I really think I should be part of the club. What do ya say, eh?"
However, stoic as always and with arms crossed in front of his chest, Morison only gave him a clear: "No."
"What gives, Jackie? I am receiving some awesome buffs soon, so I will be meta in no time. Check the PTR."
But again, Morrison was not impressed. "Young punks, get off my lawn."
"Aw man. Jus-…Just let me get one drink, alright?" Junkrat tried to negotiate as he attempted to push his way past the unmoving obstacle that was Morison. Meanwhile, Sombra attempted to sneak a translocator past them to teleport in, but the object was swiftly caught in the soldier's sights and deflected with no effort whatsoever, earning him quite some Mexican curses in return. That's when he finally noticed Doctor Ziegler moving out.
"Leaving so soon, doc?"
Sighing at that, she could only reply with a: "Nur für kurze Zeit."
"I sure hope so. I can't stand the young one's obnoxious music. And I never approved of Moira's experiment anyway. Do you need any help with your baggage?"
"How kind of you, Jack, but you seem busy right now. I will handle it somehow. Take care of the kids for me while I am gone." She asked of him with a kind smile.
Nodding at that, Morrison offered her a friendly salute as he watched her leave. "Will do, Ma'am."
Jamison and Sombra, again, tried to use the distraction to sneak past the soldier, but ran into the man's outstretched arm instead.
"Ouf."
"I hope your chooks turn into emus and kick your dunny down, mate."
Meanwhile, on the inside:
"So, what's her problem?" Jesse McCree, with one glass in hand and a bottle in the other, asked the Brazilian man next to him, nudging his head into the corner where a rather confused looking young woman sat.
Said woman was seen holding her head with both her hands, occasionally fighting of a nervous twitch as she looked around her as if seeing things that weren't there.
"Ah, poor Hana's been struggling with an identity crisis lately. All the stress's finally gotten to her." Lucio told him with a sad sigh, taking a sip of his own drink.
"I-I…I am a t-t-tank! No! A D-DPS!...Tank? K-POP idol? No, definitely a dps! I am sure….no, that's not right…" They heard her mumble under her breath, fighting the voices in her head only she could hear.
"Hey, you alright there, pumpkin?" Jesse finally decided to approach her together with Lucio, only to have the confused woman grabbing him by his shoulders.
"I do NOT need to be nerfed, Jesse! Tell them!"
"Tell who, Hana?" Lucio asked her with a raised brow.
"I…I don't know. T-they call themselves a community and think they are some kind of pro players in the making. They claim to know everything about balance and keep repeating the same things over and over and over and over and ov-."
"Whoa there, miss. Why don't you sit down there for a second?" Jesse offered her as he gently pushed her back into her seat.
"Yeah, lemme try to play you some relaxing music, what do you say?" Lucio agreed as he began looking through his playlist on his phone.
"And maybe cut down on all them energy drink you been chugging since morning, eh?" McCree suggested with a kind smile, only to get Lucio looking at him strangely.
"Should you be saying that with a whisky bottle in your hands since high noon?"
"Hey now, I ain't complaining about your ruckus, either, so how about you cut me some slack."
"R-ruckus? Just because I refuse to play the crap you want?"
"It's called country music. And it's art."
"A nightmare is what it is! I get the shivs just imagining it…" The younger man said while fighting the cold shivers that travelled down his spine.
"I get it now!" Hana suddenly yelled in what seemed to be an epiphany, nearly causing Jesse to drop his drink in surprise.
"Hana?" Lucio asked her worriedly once he saw the crooked smile on the girl's lips.
"I am…A SUPPORT!" She told them as she took out her pistol.
"¡Ay, caramba!" Lucio couldn't help but sigh in frustration as he brought his hand to his face, shaking his head in what seemed to be disbelief.
"Miss, what are you planning to do with that gun? Take it easy there." Jesse attempted to defuse the situation that clearly seemed to get really dangerous.
"Why, heal you of course. Didn't you know my bullets restore your health?" She told them with a mad look in her eyes.
"No they don't, Hana. That's madness!"
"Madness?" The young Korean parroted as she gathered her resolve. "THIS. IS. OVERWATCH!" And with a brave battle cry she thus commenced her "healing" session by spraying her teammates with bullets.
"Holy-!" Jesse managed to utter half a curse before he had to drop everything and dive behind the counter to seek cover, carefully holding down his hat as not to lose it in the progress. His Brazilian friend was not so lucky as he was now busy running away from the crazed Korean.
Unfazed by all of this, Winston was busy disregarding all that ruckus as mere background noise. Instead, he opted in on deepening his research on his shield device, eager to finally iron out all of its minor bugs. However, when it ended up malfunctioning again, an electric current ended up shocking his hand and forced out a painful "Damn!" out of his mouth. "Athena, we have a problem." He informed his assistant AI.
"I detect a severe injury. Medical attention is recommended." She suggested. However, hearing this, the newfound healer of the group turned her attention to the gorilla.
"Now who needs sum healin'? Don't worry, I gotcha!" She told everyone as she produced a switch from her pocket, aiming it at the Mecha she had parked in the corner of the saloon. "Behold my healing bomb!"
"Dva, NO!" Everyone cried in horror as they tried to stop her.
"Dva yes!" The young woman only replied with a nod, madness evidently reflected in her eyes as she finally pressed the button with a laugh that would have rivaled even the one of Doctor J. Junkenstein himself. "Nerf this, community!"
Following this event, the Meta Comp Saloon was closed down for renovation for an unforeseen amount of time.
Yes, I am aware that Zen is probably more meta than Lucio but whatever. He offered better dialogue choices with McCree. Hope you enjoyed this, folks.