This is my first fanfic ever so please review!!! The insparation came to me while eating a baked potato. =)
RosaliePOV
Every one at the Cullen house but me, is really worried about Bella. She has been acting really weird for the past few hours. Just about three minutes before all the mayhem started Emmett went hunting and took Alice with him, no one quite knew why.
Bella is crazy with mood swings, and is acting abnormally stupid. Gazing at things with such intensity you think it would be a beautiful complex painting or a Faberge Egg. But it's the unmoving tip of her forefinger.
All because Emmett slipped drugs, and a little liquor, into her Coke. No one knows, but Emmett and Alice and me. They went hunting as soon as Em planted the drugs. I stayed to get all the madness on film. I was doing good to, I hadn't missed a second of her staring wide eyed and open mouthed at her finger. Though to keep Edward out of my head I'm thinking of how hot Emmett looks in a cheetah-print Speedo. That would definitely keep the mind-reader out.
"Eddiepuss," Bella said, giggling at his new nic name she had given him, "will you get me a potato, I'm thirsty."
I swear the girl makes no sense.
"How do you want it, love?" Edward asked in a wary voice.
"Fast and hard." She was so serious when the words came out of her mouth even I started laughing. The entire room burst out laughing, accept Edward, who eyed her nervously. She was laughing harder than any one else in the room.
Then very, very abruptly she burst out into tears, and fell to the ground in a heap landing with her legs crossed Indian style. She was snotting all over herself, and pain filled ripping noises we're coming from her chest. She was sobbing her little human heart out.
Edward rushed to her, kneeled down to be at her eye level, and took her face in his hands. Bella's face seemed to disappear in them. One of his hands went from her jaw line, and was able to curl slightly over her head.
"What's wrong? Are you okay? Bella, love, please talk to me! Are you all right?" Edward spoke quickly and his voice was panic ridden.
Bella shouldn't have tried to speak yet, but she did. Her voice was wrong and her sentences were broken.
"I'm *sob* so *sob* sorry *human voice cracking* I shouldn't *gasp* have *weaker sob* said that. It was *cry* so, so bad. I didn't mean too. I'm so sorry. I don't deserve to live!" She was gaining back her control, but tears were still flowing slowly down her face. But her tears were being replaced with hysteria. By the end of her statement she was screaming in a very horse, broken voice.
After a good twenty minutes, Edward got her to calm down all the way. He had her tell him that she just wanted a normal potato.
I have no feasible reason why Edward wanted to be with this. We was not a patient man. Not with any of us anyway. He was with her. You could just tell. If you met him only seeing how he is with her, anyone would think he was a saint. But not normally. Normally he yelled and was empty and tortured.
He shot an exasperated glare at me. Shit. I was letting him in my thoughts. He nodded slightly. I quickly pictured Emmett laying on our silk sheets in a red thong, and he shook his head quickly trying to dislodge the image.
EdwardPOV
I wondered briefly why Rosalie was exceeding so much effort to keep me from hearing her thoughts, but I wouldn't dare try to pry it out of her. One more sexual image of Emmett and I would go more insane than I was trying to figure out what was wrong with my Bella.
As far as I'd ever known, she hated potatoes. She never made them for Charlie or herself, and I don't think she's ever had steak fries. She told me she only liked thin little greasy ones because she couldn't taste the potato. And now she was demanding them raw? I just didn't understand it, but I was use to not being able to understand things regarding her.
As I entered the kitchen I veered left to the pantry to grab a potato. I picked one I thought looked like it might appeal to Bella and washed it off thoroughly. Even if she was acting crazy, I don't think she would want a dirty potato. I put it in a shallow bowl and took it back into the living room to my love.
She reached out for her potato with the expression of a young child on Christmas morning. I didn't get there fast enough for her though, because before I was in reaching distance her fragile hand curled into a fist around the air, trying to grasp it, or make me come to her faster. I slowed to watch her next move. Her other arm went into the air and attempted to clutch nothing as well as the other one. I chuckled to myself and sprinted the rest of the way to her.
I bowed low and presented the plate to her in the most exaggerated fashion I could conjure. She stared wide eyed at the potato. After a few minutes had passed I began to worry, but without warning she reached for it.
The look on my face must have portrayed my curiosity, but she did not notice. She brought the spud to her nose and sniffed it in one quick jerky movement. Then she licked it from one end to the other. After each lick she lets a round of child-like giggles. Jasper stands and walks toward me.
"Dude…" He said in a worried tone.
"I know." He didn't even need to think it for me to know he was taken aback by Bella's behavior. I was as well. She was just so old for her seventeen years. What was wrong with her. Surly this was not a norm for her, it seemed to wrong, too out of place on her.
After a good twenty minutes of licking her potato, Bella throws it across the room and demand it die a slow and painful death in the oven, where it would bake from the inside out as punishment for tasting bad.
"Stupid Spudernickle! I hate you!" She screamed at the vegetable.
"She named the inanimate object Spudernickle? Is she okay Edward? I think maybe she hit her head or, ate something weird," Jasper said in a voice that was both worried and wary.
"I guess so," I answered, confused, I turned to Bella and addressed her, "Bella, would you like me to bake you a potato?" I spoke calmly and steadily. If she was in any way unstable, she would need someone to steady her. That would be my job I suppose.
She was fighting back tears, but nodded weakly.
I ran to the corner the potato had landed in at picked it up, and walked into the kitchen. I disposed of "Spudernickle". I didn't think after being soaked with saliva, and thrown into a corner on the floor, that it could be to sanitary. I picked another potato from the pantry. Remembering all the cooking shows I've watched to prepare myself for all the cooking I might have to do for my new human, I poked a knife into the potato so it wouldn't explode, and put it in the conventional oven.
JasperPOV
Edward went into the kitchen when the timer on Puman's potato. Puman…….human…..potato….Puman. That's funny, I'm going to start calling her that……HA…Puman. I just can't get over it.
Edward's low growl was quiet, but it rand with power, "You'd better get over it fast, and don't call her that." His voice would have been to low for Bella to hear but any vampire in the house would have. Even if there were only three….and Bella…Puman…..
I snickered from the living room and Edward growled again. I didn't want to deal with his anger. So I mentally told him I wouldn't do anything else. Bella's hyperactivity was going to kill me. Her mood swings were messing me up. Happy. Amused. Sad. Happy. Pissed. And then over again. This girl was seriously unstable. I needed to get out of this room, fast. It was time to get off this rollercoaster.
He brings the new potato to her on a plate with the tubs of Margarine and sour cream in the other hand. He knew she liked to do that herself. She took the potato from the plate before Edward could stop her. She squealed and threw it again it. Edward caught it before it could touch the floor and make his have to make her another one.
"NOOOO," Bella screamed launching herself at the potato. She stops suddenly a foot away from Edwards arm. She weakly swats at his wrist, trying to make him let it go. She couldn't let the evil potato hurt her love, now could she. She started crying again. Each swat she took to Edward's wrist they became quicker, more persistent, and with more force.
Edward looked bewildered at her.
What is wrong with her? Does she think a hot potato will hurt you, Edward? I thought to Edward. His head tilted slightly to the side, and nodded once.
Calmly, Edward put the potato back on the plate and placed it on the table next to the couch Bella was sitting in. Then he leaned down and tenderly, picked Bella up off the floor, sat in her spot and held her in his lap. Her expression and the tears on her eyelashes and rosy cheeks made her seem younger.
"It's okay, nothing happened. No need to worry, Bella. Just calm down. You're about to give me a heart attack! That's a bit hard to do too," Edward said softly in her ear.
She started tearing up again, and spoke in a horse broken voice, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to almost give you a heart attack."
"It's fine, you didn't freak out intentionally, you're just a little off today," Edward cooed, "Are you still hungry?"
She tilted her head to the side and grabbed her potato plate, and repeatedly stabbed the vegetable until there was a line done one side from tip to tip. She picked up one end carefully and squished it to the plate, then giggled hysterically. Then put her margarine and sour cream in it.
She dumped the potato skins contents on the plate, scraped it out and threw the empty skin, giggling menacingly the entire time. She felt revenge, for who I assumed to be Spudernickle, but she didn't know it was a whole new potato. Not Rosalie, Edward or I felt the need to tell her.
She reached over to the table the plate had been and took a big drink of her half empty Coke glass. After she swallowed, she made a face like she had tasted a lemon and shook her head back and forth quickly.
"Wooh," she breathed, "Emmett makes weird Coke. I've never had it like this before."
Edward was confused, but didn't do anything right then. Though he was suspicious. Bella began to smash the pile of food with her fork. Mashing it all together. Confusion was replaced with realization in my brother.
"Bella, I would have made you mashed potatoes if you'd said that when I asked how you wanted them," he said softly, and slightly irritated.
BellaPOV
Whatdidhejustsay???? I asked myself so fast it was one word. My thoughts were traveling in my head a thousand miles a second. Howdarehe!! Howcouldheeventhinkthat???
"I wanted to do it! It's my job! Away with you, peasant!!!!"
RosaliePOV
Wow.
When Bella had spoken, her eyes grew cold and dark, and they narrowed into slits. Her words were filled with venom, (not real venom) but by the end of her mini-rant she was screeching at almost vampire speed. Though, because Bella was human some of the words were distorted.
Edward just stared at her with his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide. Haha. I've never seen her be bad tempered with him. Edward started to walk away, but soon after his second step the little weakling started crying.
I wondered again why he hadn't just saved himself (and the rest of us) all this trouble and just killed her that first day. Then he never would have loved her, or gone threw hell with James and put my Emmett at risk with all of that craziness. I nearly killed her when she caused Em and I to have to part ways for an undecipherable time span. I should have. My brother would only have been mad for a few years. Maybe he would have gone to Tanya like he should have in the first place.
As I thought my blank expression turned into a hate infested glare at the human among us. Jasper gave me a pleading look before I felt a calm spread over me like a mist. Edward and Bella had been affected too, he found his head and closed his mouth. She was still blabbering apologies at Edward for snapping at him. She said the same things over and over so I tried to tune it out, I kept the camera centered perfectly on Edward and Bella.
"Oooo," Bella said, the child again, "I know how I can make it up to you!" She clapped her hands together and motioned for him to come to her with her hand while the other clapped with the air.
He was already standing three centimeters from the couch she was on so he closed the distance. She patted the seat beside her and looked at him. He walked around to sit next to her. She clumsily repositioned herself so her back was against the arm of the sofa and she was facing Edward. She picked her fork back up off the plate of sloppily mashed potatoes, scoped a very, very large heap of the fork and held it up.
"I'm gonna feed you!!!!! That will make up for being so mean.," she said with an innocently oblivious expression.
Edward spoke in a slightly awed voice, but was cut off. "Bella I don't--"
"I'm gonna feed you!" Bella screeched. She shoved the mound of potato at his mouth. He saw her intent and closed his mouth in time so none of the food found it's way in.
"Bella!" he said between tight lips.
"Edward! Open your mouth! Now!" she said in a tone that an agitated mother would use with a disobedient child. Her eyebrows pulled together, and she scowled. "Do it," she said, her voice dragging.
My brother stared at her incredulously.
Bella's scowl deepened.
Edward opened his mouth partially, unwillingly. She smiled triumphantly and rammed the fork in his mouth. She didn't stop shoving the fork in until it hit his throat. HE looked like a human that was being forced to eat a bulls testicals on Fear Factor. She pulled the empty fork out of his mouth and he gagged. She looked at him with that Do-it-I'll-be-soo-pissed-at-you look. He hadn't eaten food in over ninety years, and he was use to a liquid diet. I burst out laughing so hard that if I was human I would be crying and not breathing. He shot me a death glare, it made me laugh harder that there was stuff still on his chin.
"Ohhh, aren't you a goo boy!?! Yesh you arrrr. Ohhh, you're so cute, yesh you arrr. Yesh you arrr. Who is such a goo boy," she was talking mushy baby-talk to her one hundred and eight year old boyfriend. His ego must be taking a serious blow right now. When Emmett saw this he would never let either of them live it down.
Wow, she would be soo embarrassed when I showed the entire family this video.
She continued to feed him, he winced each time she scooped more potato on the fork that was now his mortal enemy.
When the potato was all gone, she put the plate and fork on the table and took another huge drink of her drug infested Coke. Edward inhaled as she breathed out after her drink. Anger and realization crossed his face, but anger was dominate. Oh God No, this could not be happening.
EdwardPOV
I hate human food. It is detestable. Before I just thought it was disgusting, now I loathed it with all my might. There was nothing I hated more. After Bella was done force feeding me damn human food she took a drink of her coke. I wasn't so livid that I didn't notice the smell that came from her mouth after she had taken a drink of the Coke Emmett had brought her. The smell was harsh, and had an odd burning to it. I recognized the smell at once. Alcohol. Emmett had spiked Bella's drink. That was why she was acting so odd. She was drunk.
I lean over her to grab the glass with the spiked Coke in it and bring it up to my nose. The smell of liquor is stronger more concentrated. But there is something else there. Some other naughty thing in the beverage. I inhaled deeper.
Oh no, oh no, oh no… Rosalie thought. I looked at her suspiciously. Her eyes were guilty. I probed further into her mind but was hit hard of a picture of Emmett in an odd position, and I got out of there fast.
The smell besides soda and liquor in Bella's Coke was, I took another long whiff, "Crack! Emmett put CRACK in Bella's Coke?!?"
"That's' not all, Edward," Rosalie said looking ever more at fault than before.
"WHAT!" I yelled, "What else?" I said just as loudly.
"Well, there is some crystal meth in there I think, and maybe some ecstasy. There is a lot of Crown, and a couple of crushed up Ritilins," she said, listing several illegal drugs and one for children with ADHD. I was positively fuming.
"WHAT?" I screamed. That might have been the loudest I have ever screamed in my life. I was so mad, turning this house to rubble would barely take the edge off my spit of infuriation.
In what seemed like a split second Bella fainted. She just fell back into the couch, and to my great relief, her fragile little heart kept beating.
"Oh for the love of all that is holy! If she dies of a drug over-dose I will murder all of you!" I screamed at them.
"Edward, I didn't even know." Jasper said calmly.
"I did," Rosalie said in a chipper voice, "why did you think I had the camera?"
RosaliePOV
An infuriated hiss came from Edward's lips, he was more angry than I thought he would be. He crouched, reading to spring, and I bolted. I wasn't faster than Edward, but if I could get to where Alice and Emmett were hiding a few miles away then he would protect me.
I could feel Edward hot on my heels. This was going to be a rough trip. All I could tell was that Emmett and Alice were going to get it a thousand times worse than me.
Edward was screaming profanities at all three of us when I reached their hiding spot.
"Rose, why did you lead him here?" Emmett asked, a little annoyed.
Wait, I thought, that was kind of a bad idea. But he would have killed me! Well I guess this was just a taste of what we would have to face for this, but it was so classic. I can't wait until Bella see's it after she's sobered up.
So I was eating a baked potato. That's how it started. Then I thought of this. So I typed it up really fast so I wouldn't forget it. Please review!!!! I thought this was so funny so I published it……I hope no one gets mad….I don't see why anyone would…but you know people, review and i'll give u a purple monkey holding an orange banana!!!