He was 13 the first time he cut.
After being told you were worthless long enough, you started to believe it, and watching scarlet drip down your arm was a welcome escape from the punches and broken bones. You could only take being thrown into walls and broken tables so many times, and you're mother leaving you for the pursuit of something bigger could creak you down. You couldn't control what others did to you.
This you had control over, this was something no one else could inflict on him.
He took power in that.
So his sleeves were always long, his torso was always bruised and his wrists were scattered with scars, perfect little scars that ran up and down his arms.
It wasn't like he had friends. No one was close enough to him to care. He was the class clown.
The joker.
The troublemaker.
The player.
No one cared that he was the top of the class (not even the teachers) because to everyone was was always trouble trouble trouble worthless worthless worthless and Jim didn't we tell you no, don't do this don't do that, who cares that you're smart you're obviously cheating, you know you're dad isn't going to get you a free pass anywhere
But his eyes stayed bright
His smile stayed big
And at night when his guard was low and his floor was red he would cry so hard it hurt, tears mixed with sweat and blood running over the slashes in his arms, the blue turned to stormy grey
And the next day he was smiling
Always smiling
He never remembered names. That was what kept him from going completely crazy. If he couldn't put names with faces they weren't real, he could pretend like it hadn't happened like he hadn't gotten so low.
But he always remembered her. Always.
It started out as a fairly routine night for him. He was halfway to shitfaced drunk when he spotted her across the bar. Silky brown hair pulled into a ponytail at the nape of her neck, and tired fingers tracing the rim of her cup before taking a sip, wincing slightly as the alcohol burned her throat.
There wasn't anything particularly spectacular about her, but she was nice to look at so he made his way over.
Her name was Alice.
They knew what they wanted and in less then thirty minutes they were back her place, shedding clothes as they collapsed on the bed. He felt her melt under him when he kissed her, rough and slow his hands running over her curves, dipping in at her hips and caressing her, she shuddered under him and it felt fantastic,
Her lips moved from his mouth to his neck, nipping expertly across his collarbone, her fingertips dusting over his chest, sparks shooting out and branching into lust and longing and everything in between.
He had her pinned but oh he could tell it was going to be sweet and slow the way her hips rocked against his and they hadn't even started yet, his hands braced on either side of her head, when her fingers circled his wrist he didn't even think, he was too caught up in the she was wrapped around him they heat between her legs and the feel of her against him
But he heard her gasp, a sad sound and he sat up because she'd seen them, she'd seen the perfect little scars crisscrossing up his arms.
He almost bolted, everyone always gave him those looks of pity, disgust, questioning why why why but she didn't, she just leaned forward to pry his arm away from his body. Scooting close to him, she pushed him down gently, straddling him and she lifted his wrist.
Tears pooled in her eyes as she kissed them, each and every one of the imperfections marring his body, kissing away the mistakes, brushing away the judgment and the memories
Then he surged forward he captured her lips with his, the salty taste of her tears crashing into him waves on the shore broke over them it wasn't a battle it wasn't rough it was gentle and slow and painful because Jim was crying he was sobbing but she just kissed his tears away rocking him against her its okay its okay its okay not you're fault not you're fault not you're fault no one had ever cared before no one had bother to actually look at him and she could see this wonderful stranger saw more of him then anyone he'd ever known she saw him shatter because he'd been holding it together for so long all he'd wanted was someone to tell him it would be okay, all he'd wanted was someone to hold him, someone to care and he knew it would all be over in the morning but right now, right now he didn't care he just wanted to feel her body under his he wanted to feel her tighten around him before shooting to the stars, flying so high they might never come down and in the cocoon they made under the sheets she tangled her fingers with his, drawing meaningless patterns on his arms spelling out that he was important he was cared for just hang on don't let go please don't let go
The next morning, he should have already been gone but he was still there, his naked chest pressed against hers and she just smiled and easy grin before kissing him one last time, running her finger up and down his arms. "I-I cant stay I-" There was sorrow in her eyes but she just pressed her lips to his wrist before letting him go. "I understand. I know."
And sometimes when he looked up at the starts he wondered where she was, he wondered if she still cared. He wanted to tell her, wanted to tell her that he found people who cared he found a family
Part of him wished he had stayed. Wished he could wake up to her every morning, have her kiss his pain away, push away his fears with the sun in her eyes
But now when he smiled it was genuine.
His laugh wasn't forced like it used to be
The scars were fading
Almost gone
And his eyes didn't dim anymore
They shone brighter then the galaxies