I do not own harry potter.

Warning for the reading several; This is heavy on the Dumbledore hating. I do hate Dumbledore's character and all he represents in the book. But I should point out, Black's views are partly an attempt to rationalise his own behaviour.

I'm not a big fan of Lily Evans. But this is partly an attempt to understand what Snape may have seen in her. I had a pet theory about the whole Lily-Snape thing that didn't pan out in the books, but wasn't totally ruled out either, so this isn't AU.

um...I can't spell, I have difficulty stringing together a coherent story. I am very, very, very bad at updating

there is some a lot swearing, but no slash.

Dear Harry;

I was cleaning my closet the other day. Because it smelled, like something had crawled in there and died of unwashed-sock-poisoning, and I discovered something in there that I need to tell you about. And because I'm kind-off a coward about a lot of shit, I'm going to tell you in letter form.

Before we get into too much detail there is some stuff I should warn you about. I can't spell, or use English grammar too good (joke), so I apologise for that. We didn't get taught that stuff at Hogwarts, and before I went to Hogwarts I was taught by this squib tutor who was too-shit-scared of me to ever get me to do any work. And well, it never seemed important. Blacks don't need to learn how to read and write beyond being able to sign a check book, it wasn't like I was ever going to have to work for a living.

Also, this isn't a story about your dad, or Remus, or the traitor. Although they will probably pop up from time to time. This isn't really a story about me either. This is a story about Snape, Lily and Dumbledore.

Actually, I suppose I should start with us dysfunctional misfits. Call me selfish, but I don't want you to hate any of us (except for Wormtail) and if I don't explain us, you will hate us by the end of this story. You might anyway, but I hope not. Actually, if I'm honest, I'm counting on your forgiveness.

I'll start with Wormtail first, just so I don't have to look at his name too long. I never really liked Wormtail. I didn't dislike him either. He was just an audience. I didn't really view him as a real person until he landed me in jail. And a large part of me still can't believe that the little shit had enough brains or balls to pull it off. Looking back, I suppose there must have been a lot more going on under the surface.

He wasn't stupid, although he sometimes pretended that he was. He loved explosions, his little piggy-eyes would light up each time someone accidentally blow up something in potions. He didn't spend much time in detention, although he deserved too. But the teachers had him pegged as the dumb-side-kick. I suppose he was like a human mirror, he reflected back an image of yourself that you wanted to see. And that was awesome.

Me and Remus had a chat about it the other month (while we were both pissed) and we came to the conclusion that it wasn't jealousy or fear or anything like that that made him turn to Voldemort. We reckon that Voldemort-and-co were just more interesting to watch. They went in for bigger and better explosions.

Remus is a bit of an odd duck. He comes across all reasonable and mature and well adjusted. But he's not, he's a fucking mess. A lot, if not all of it, has to do with the fact that he's a werewolf and the fact that he has trust issues and blah, blah, blah. He's also a coward. Not in a normal way, but in a can't display-any-non-censored-emotion kind off a way. I think he resents me. I resent the hell out off him.

But, hell, he's still a mate. Even if I occasionally want to punch him in the face.

I think both of us take it out on Snape. Remus in a passive aggressive girly I'm-not-really-doing-anything-and-your-being-an-irrational-jackass way that drives Snape up the wall. Me in a I-want-to-beat-the-living-crap-out-of-you kind off a way, I think Snape actually encourages me.

When we started having to deal with each other on a regular basis, I thought Snape wanted to beat the living crap out of me. Which he probably could, Snape knows a lot of scary martial arts stuff. He may look all scrawny and underfeed, but he's not someone you really want to mess with, even if he hasn't got his wand. The couple of times we have, you know, gone at it, he's sat me on my ass pretty quickly. I must weigh a hell of a lot more than him, I'm taller, and bulkier (even though I'm not exactly Hagrid) so that stung my ego a bit. More so because he never hurt me. So I thought he was demonstrating how he was better than me. Rubbing it in my face like a complete bastard.

Then I thought, well shit, he's a bastard, maybe that's the only way he knows how to act. But, well, the guy can act, I've watched him slip in and out of personas like he's putting on some sort of one man show for the benefit of the Order. Strangely people don't really notice, well, Remus does, but that is because Remus is such a goddamn-chameleon himself.

Actually I think that's why they annoy the piss out of each other. Remus tries to fade into the background by being the Mr-nice-and-fucking-reasonable and Snape is trying to fade into the foreground by being such a tailor-made-bastard to everyone that they don't pay any attention to what he's actually doing. And they both think the other's a coward, which is hilarious. Snape thinks Remus is a coward because Remus is afraid of anyone disliking him so he (Remus) is unbelievable nice to everyone. And Remus think Snape's afraid of anyone hurting him so he (Snape) makes a pre-emptive strike against them. In case your wondering, this is not me being insightful, this is basically just a summary of one of their many pissing contests in which they try to out psycho-analysis each other. It's kind off pathetic. I mean, they are both such insightful children. Which might sound ironic, coming from me, but I have a goddamn excuse.

I think they are both right about the whole coward thing.

Anyway, I'm getting of track. Just be aware that Remus is a lot more fucked up then he wants anyone to believe. But he's also brave, self-sacrificing, funny, reasonably intelligent and an all round great guy. I hate that he sort off trapped himself in his own cage after the first war. He deserves better from himself.

Your dad was a lot more simple. I don't mean he was stupid, I mean that he didn't have issues (except for the fact that his ego sometimes exceeded the size of his head). He was fun. Fun to be around, fun to listen to. Smart but not too intelligent and reckless but with a kind of basic instinct for self-preservation that I lack. I think now that it was his bad luck being stuck in a year with me, Remus and Wormtail "the-clap-happy-monkey". Anyone of us would have been bad enough, but he had no hope of understanding us collectively. He was the leader of our little gang, I suppose by virtue of being the least mental.

I loved him. In a way that I admit might not have been healthy. I don't mean anything sexual or anything stupid like that (and I apologise if I've put that image in your head). But more than anyone else, more than any of my girlfriends(of which there were a lot), more than my goddamn family. He loved me like a brother, I loved him like he was my universe, which he was.

Which I guess brings us to me. I'm smart, good-looking, friendly, gregarious, generous, loyal, blah, blah, blah, bahhh.

Various individuals have also described me in the following ways;

"the emotional maturity of a 5 year old" (Remus).

"self-centered idiot with a massive sense of entitlement" (Snape).

"you need to grow up" (Dumbledore).

"dangerous imbecile who can't follow orders" (Moody).

"Unable to take responsibility for your actions" (Dumbledore).

"The belief that you are the center of the universe" (Remus, thanks buddy)

"a human-demontor driven by the need to feed of the love and affection of a 15 year-old boy" (Snape, I punched him).

"inbred aristocrat of negligible intelligence" (Snape).

"poorly trained housewife" (Snape).

"Bellatrix-in-drag" (Snape, I tried to punch him but he ducked and I ended up breaking my fist on the wall behind him).

"Blood-traitor and my deepest regret" (Mum).

"Alcoholic" (Molly Weasly).

"You use alcohol as a crutch to hide your depression and as an alternative to human companionship" (Remus, being concerned. Gee, Remus, could that be because no one is ever around?).

"Blood traitor" (the house-elf).

"butt-sniffing mutt who regularly eats his own vomit" and "pretty-boy gone to seed and then to dog", "he-who-needs-to-be-muzzled-to-protect-us-all-from-the-unbelievable-stupidity-of-his-words" and "Blacky, the amazing wonder dog. He consumes his own body weight in alcohol, then passes out and drools everywhere"(Snape, he may have a list that he works on in his spare time).

"Most dunderheaded dunderling to ever dunder into dunce-vile" (Snape, I assume it made sense in his own head).

"Angry" (Dumbledore).

Since none of them spent most of their adult lives in prison, all this stuff really pisses me off. Yes , I'm immature, I was arrested at 22, when did I have time to mature? Yes, I'm depressed, I spent 12 years with soul-sucking demons and am now am trapped in the decaying-house-of-Black, why the hell wouldn't I be depressed? Yes, I drink, what else am I meant to do? they've all made it clear I'm no goddamn use.

and Yeah, Snape, 'I know you are but what am I?' Jackass.

So yes, Dumbledore, correct, I am angry. I've lost the best years of my life. And I can't help wonder if you had something to do with that. (But I'll get to that).

Sometimes Harry, I think that if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't bother to hang around. I don't want to put any pressure on you, your only a kid, and you probably don't understand any of this stuff. But, Merlin, you really are the only bright spot in the crappy-on-going-disappointment that is my life.

What really gets to me is that Remus seems disappointed in me. Like he expects better. Like I should be happier because at least I'm not a werewolf. I would trade lives with him, in an instant, and I wouldn't mope around like some-sort of molting wall-flower.

I get some of the same shit from Snape as well. Which is goddamn bullshit, because, a) Snape hates me so therefore should be happy that my life is a "steaming-pile-of-dog-feces" (another Snape quote) and b) Snape doesn't even have Remus's excuse.

I hate Snape. I would not pee on him if he was on fire. I would set him on fire if I could get him to lie still for long enough. And I expect the same treatment from Snape. Our relationship is beautiful in it's simplicity.

Which is why this thing I found in my closet is driving me insane. (But I'm getting to that).

So anyway. Even though I hate Snape, I'm willing to admit that the guy is smart, talented, powerful, etc, etc, blah, blah, blah. He's not even all that ugly when he washes (he's not all that pretty either). But well, just because he isn't an oil painting doesn't mean he needs to resign himself to a life of bitterness and misery like he apparently has.

Looks fade, I know.

And he's successful. He must be the youngest Hogwarts Head of House in the history of the school. He's respected, he publishes articles and shit, other people quote said articles, people three times his age listen to him. Considering that he started out dirt poor, with an accent that sounded he was chewing gravel, he should be as happy as a pig in poo.

What's more, he hasn't rubbed my face in it (the fact that his life is one great climb up mount success, he's rubbed plenty of other shit in my face). Not once. Which I find disturbing. It's un-Snapely.

Snape is no where near as tough as he would like to believe. I didn't get that about him until recently. Stuff effects him, words effect him. Watch him for 10 minutes with Dumbledore and you'll see. You have to watch closely, the difference in his outward shell is minimal, he gets slightly more vicious, he hunches over more, he tries to hide behind his own face.

It's pathetic. In his shoes, I'd tell Dumbledore to take a running jump.

I suspect you probably have seen more of Dumbledore than I have. I didn't have much to do with him at school. I wasn't useful to him. I didn't need him. I had James, and James's parents. My family (while not being pleasant) were never so bad that Dumbledore was a better alternative.

He might have considered me though. I was smart, charming, a pure-blood. I had the 'devil-may-care' attitude that is a necessary component in a person who is risking being tortured to death on a regular basis. But I was also self-assured and as cocky as hell, which would have probably meant that I wouldn't have been able to stomach all the bowing and scraping that Voldemort (and Dumbledore) required. And I was a Gryffindor, which probably meant that Voldy would have been suspicious, although he and Wormtail get on alright.

Anyways, Snape must have looked like a gift from Merlin. When he was a kid he was really thin, like it hurt-to-look-at-him-without-his-shirt-on thin. Partly because he's a scrawny bastard, and partly because he obviously wasn't getting fed by whoever was supposed to look after him.

And he had more power and brains than he knew what to do with.

And he was quite obviously mental.

For example; in our first transfiguration lecture, ever, he told McGongall that her lesson was "stupid" and "boring" and that a "retard" could do it. I think the only reason he's still alive is that she (McGongall) went into shock.

His only friend was Lily Evans. And I mean only. In his first year he cursed everyone else in our year, including in his house. At this stage, the rest of us barely knew how to hold our wands, so he had a field day. Your dad, being of a noble disposition, stood up to him, as did I, and we ended up covered in warts. We managed to catch him without his wand though and break his nose, which at this stage obscured most of his face. He didn't go to get it fixed, and spent the rest of the week snivelling through it until McGongall grabbed him and fixed it.

We; me and your dad, thought he was great fun. He was a challenge. An easily antagonised challenge. It was like having a live dragon to poke.

Lily, at this stage, also didn't have any other friends. She was bossy. She was only slightly better at relating to people than Snape. She quickly managed to become all of the teachers' teacher's pet. She was also a lot of fun to mess with because she would go this bright red colour and cry really easily.

Although messing with her would result Snape going completely mental. In a way that was worrying, even to a pair of overly-confident elven year olds.

Snape was devoted to Lily. I think he viewed it as his mission to protect her. From everything, especially other people. Which I suppose explains why Lily acted as she did later.

Lily was a good person. But she wasn't perfect. One of her chief imperfections is that she spent a lot of time consciously being a "good person". This was why she was friends with Snape. Her being friends with him was a favour to him, because she was so fucking nice.

Don't get me wrong Harry. Lily was your mother, and your father loved her.

But I never liked her very much.

Anyway, to any adult with half a brain, it was obvious that there was something seriously wrong with Snape. Even us kids could sense it (although we responded by trying to make it worse). Dumbledore responded by inviting him up for tea and lemon-drops occasionally. Which made him the other person that Snape would die to defend.

Dumbledore didn't tell me and your dad to lay off him though. At the time it seemed like tacit approval. Now I wonder what the hell he was playing at.

This is turning into a long fucking letter. I apologise Harry. Being the sensible lad that you are, I know you don't like reading much. Put it down for a bit and make yourself a cup of tea. Remus says when I talk I ramble all over the place, I guess its the same when I write. One of my old girlfriends told me it was kind off cute, but she was most likely an idiot.

I might call it a night anyway. I need a cuppa.

Ladies (and in a broader sense) Gentlemen, please click on the review button and use your finger-tips to type a review that conveys either your admiration or your utter contempt.