this proves how much of a mentally disturbed mind i have... enjoy! please review!
Disclaimer: i own nothing!
"James, c'mon get up! We got to go!" I hear Kendall yell from the kitchen.
I groan and roll out of bed slowly. The last thing I wanna do is go to work. I'd much rather stay home, in bed, where I can be my depressed self and not talk to anyone. I stumble out of bed and into the bathroom. I take a long look at myself in the mirror.
'I'm disgusting… and absolutely worthless.' I say to myself. That may sound odd coming from someone like me, the guy nearly any girl would die for. I lift up the sleeves on my shirt and grab my favorite razor. I've been doing for almost two months now; it's getting harder to hide. The other day Logan almost caught me; I lied quickly and said it was from lightening the wonder dog. Luckily I won't have to hide it much longer.
I never thought I would consider something as awful as suicide to get rid of my problems, but I can't think of anything else to do. The thought of dying used to terrify me when I was little, now I'm not afraid of anything. I hear a loud pound on the door.
"James, seriously, we need to go, like now!" Carlos says loudly through the door.
"Alright, I'm coming!" I say. I pull my sleeve back down and act like the happy person I used to be. At least I'm still good at something.
I walk down to the lobby to find that the guys had already gone out to the limo without me, again. I make my way to the limo and get in without saying anything.
"Well look who finally decided to show up." Kendall says.
"Just shut up, Kendall."
"Who peed in your cheerios?" he mutters so quiet I barely heard him. By now were at Rocque records, the place I spend all day at, six days a week doing nothing other than falling on my ass trying to learn a new dance and getting yelled at for not being able to sing. At least according to my producer I can't. Gustavo seems to hate everyone, but he really hates me for some reason.
"Yay. We're at work, again." Carlos says not holding back on his sarcasm. The four of trudge into the building as we always do.
"James, why are you wearing a long sleeved shirt?" Logan asks. "It's like eighty degrees outside.
"Is it a crime to be cold in the middle of May?" I snap, I cut him off before he can say anything else "Didn't think so."
"Dogs!" we hear as we get closer to the studio "You're late, again!"
"Tell James that." Kendall says giving me the death glare.
"Well excuse me if no one bothered to wake me up this morning."
"Enough! Recording booth, now!" Gustavo booms. We rush into the booth not wanting to anger him any further.
"What do you want us to sing first?" Logan asks.
"Sing you're Not Alone, and try not to suck." Gustavo tells us. We only get halfway through the song before he stops all of us.
"James," here we go again I tell myself. "What part of try not to suck, didn't you understand?"
"The suck part." I whisper.
"Do it again." He says. Once again he stops us before we can finish the song. Before he can try to insult me I stop him.
"Don't even bother, because I already know what you're going to say," I snap at him "James that was awful, James you can't sing, James if you mess up again I'm going to kick you out. Well guess what I don't care anymore, I'm tired of all the shit you give me for not being good enough, don't you think I give myself enough crap for that. And you know what, I'm done, I'm done with you, I'm done with this stupid band, I'm done with everything!" I storm out of the studio as fast as I can. I hear the guys yelling after me, but I don't care. I'm sure that they don't either.
I get into the first limo I see parked outside of the building.
"Where to, kid?" The driver asks me.
"Palm woods." I tell him. We get there in a matter of five minutes. I go up to 2j and open the door. Mrs. Knight and Katie are supposed to be at auditions all day, do I know they won't be home. I find a sheet of paper and start writing.
"I'm sorry guys. I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for any of you. I've hated myself for so long now it's a second nature to me, something I can't control. Everyone seems to hate me, even our fans have turned on me, and I thought I could count on you guys. You said you'd always be there for me. Stupid me, I actually believed you for a second. Well the games over now, and you guys won. I love you all. Goodbye.
Sincerely yours,
James.
Tears are running seamlessly down my face by now. I go to the bathroom, grab my razor and then make my way towards the roof of the building. Once I get there I swing my legs over the side, not sure if I still want to do this or not. I start sing one of my favorite songs to try and calm myself down.
"And the blood will dry, underneath my nails. And the wind will rise to fill up my sails." I have to stop because I'm crying too much to keep singing. I look down at the street below me. I take one last deep breath with one thought on my mind.
I'm coming home.
My first suicide story and probably not my last! Thanks for reading! ~B