The Vimes Wedding

Author's note: So here is the full and proper Vimes wedding affair or at least, my version of it. I hope you read and enjoy it all the same.

P.S. I don't own Sam, Sybil, SGT Colon, CPL Nobby or any other Discworld characters that will appear in this fic.

Vimes and Carrot had been gone for about half an hour. Lord Vetinari was sitting in the Great Hall showing everyone that he was indeed still alive, Sergeant Colon was pacing around nervously, and Arch Chancellor Ridcully was starting to get impatient. When was the groom going to come back? He was starting to feel hungry. He met the Dean's eyes and they nodded knowingly to each other. There was a reception to get on with. It was really a shame they still had to wait for the ceremony.

After a few more minutes, Ridcully tapped Colon on the shoulder. "Has someone told the bride what's going on?" Panic struck Colon's face. He had never known Lady Sybil to lose her temper… but he did remember when she was going to be fed to the dragon and brides are not women at their most reasonable. "Do we have to tell her?" Ridcully nodded. "I think she's going to start to wonder why she's not getting married right now."

Colon looked frantically around for some help from… well anyone really. Mister Vimes would have been a good start. But unfortunately, he wasn't back yet and as best man, it seemed that Colon had more obligations then anyone had bothered to mention. "Ok… but I'm not going alone." He took a handful of Ridcully's sleeve and dragged him to one of the back rooms of the Great Hall that had been taken over by Lady Sybil's female relatives and converted into the Bridal Changing Room.

One of the bridesmaids, probably named Emma, was standing just outside, apparently standing guard. She looked at Colon. "What's taking so long? Why hasn't the wedding started?" Colon raised his hands trying to think of what to say. "That's what we're here about… You see… the Patrician was shot—"

"What does that have to do with anything?"

Colon gritted his teeth. "I was getting to that. Well, Mister Vimes and Carrot have gone after the… you know." The bridesmaid looked at Colon with some confusion and a hint of annoyance. "Why would the groom go after a killer? He's supposed to be getting married." Colon groaned. "Can I please speak with Lady Sybil?" The bridesmaid seemed uncertain for a moment. She was well aware that she was supposed to keep the groom out but she didn't know if she was supposed to keep all men out. "Hang on a minute."

She opened the door just enough to squeeze into the Changing Room and slammed the door as Colon took a step forward. Ridcully and Colon leaned against the door hoping for some kind of clue to Lady Sybil's mood, not that it would help them much if she had morphed into a crazed harpy. The bridesmaid opened the door suddenly. "She wants to speak with you." Colon looked panic-stricken at Ridcully. But found no help from the senior wizard. He hesitantly stepped into the Changing Room.

Sergeant Colon had never seen so many frills in one place. There were half a dozen chairs, upholstered with some satiny fabric and trimmed with lace. Lady Sybil was standing in the middle of the room looking nervous and very much like a white layer cake. She lifted her veil and tried to smile. "So… what did you need to speak to me about, Sergeant?" Colon found that he was breathing more normally. Lady Sybil was still Lady Sybil, even covered in lace and silk.

"Mister Vimes and Carrot went after whoever shot his Lordship and they're not back yet. I wasn't sure if anyone had told you what the hold up was." Colon was turning his helmet over and over in his hands. Lady Sybil sighed but she seemed to recover quickly. "Well, I'm sure he'll be back soon. Thank you for letting me know the situation and do tell me when he arrives, will you?" Colon nodded quickly and then stepped out of the Changing Room.

Ridcully was still standing outside but the Dean and Nobby had joined him. The Dean cleared his throat nervously. "You know, if Mister Vimes doesn't get back soon, you're going to have to marry her." Colon dropped his helmet. "What? I-I can't get married, my wife would kill me!" Ridcully stepped forward. "What do you mean your wife? You're already married?" Colon nodded frantically. Ridcully made a face. "Well… that's just obscene."

The Dean raised his hands trying to calm everyone. "It's all right, we can figure something out. Uh… who's next in line then?" Ridcully and Colon both looked at the Dean with some puzzlement. The Dean grinned nervously. "I mean, if Sergeant Colon wouldn't have been the best man, who would it have been?" Colon thought for a moment. "I suppose Carrot… but he's not here either." The Dean rubbed his forehead. "Ok, then who's after Carrot?" Colon shrugged. "Nobby I guess."

The Dean looked at Corporal Nobbs. For a minute, he felt a strong pang of sympathy for Lady Sybil. "And… er… you're not married, are you… sir?" Nobby shook his head, smiling widely. He gave the Dean a sharp salute. "No, sir and I would be honored to marry Lady Sybil if Mister Vimes really has gone and done a runner." The Dean, Arch Chancellor and Sergeant Colon all looked at each other with terror in their eyes and a desperate smile on their faces. They decided unanimously that they would keep the fact that Nobby was the stand in groom from Lady Sybil for the time being. No sense in worrying her with irrelevant details.

Sergeant Colon started walking briskly away from the door in the direction of Great Hall entrance. "I'll just go and keep an eye out for Mister Vimes, then." The Dean and Arch Chancellor both nodded and followed him. Nobby looked at the wizards leave and then back at the door to the Changing Room with some uncertainty. He was about to knock on the door when he heard Sergeant Colon's voice. "Nobby! C'mon!" Nobby groaned and then scuttled away from the door in the direction of Sergeant Colon's voice.

Another twenty minutes passed then Sergeant Colon saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Actually it was Vimes stumbling toward him. Colon waved to Nobby and the wizards before running over to him. Colon was about ready to throw his arms around Vimes when the smell hit him, at about five feet. "Oh thank gods— Whoa…" Vimes nodded and grinned sheepishly. "I-I know."

"Ye gods, man! You reek!", bellowed the Arch Chancellor when he reached Colon and Vimes. Vimes could see that a pattern was about to develop. He took a deep breath. "Carrot and I had to chase Dr. Cruces in the sewers. I know I need a bath… or five. But I want to talk to Sybil and let her know everything's all right." He didn't wait for a response from anyone and stomped into the Great Hall, up the aisle and to the Changing Room.

The guarding bridesmaid held out her hand to stop him. "You can't go in— Oh my gods…" She moved both her hands to her nose when Vimes got close and staggered away. Vimes rolled his eyes. He was really starting to lose his patience. With his last ounce of patience, he knocked on the door to the Changing Room. "Who is it?" Sybil's voice asked from the other side. Somehow, Sybil's voice seemed to restore some calm to Vimes. He opened his mouth to speak but was suddenly tongue-tied.

Before he had time to think of something to say, Sergeant Colon finally caught up to him. "Sir, I'm so glad you're back. The wizards said if you didn't, Nobby was going to have to marry Lady Sybil." Vimes turned sharply to Colon. He narrowed his eyes and opened his mouth. He looked at Colon with an expression of shock and aggravation. "What the hell goes on when I'm not here?!" Vimes shook his head, putting his hands on his hips. "Ye gods, Fred. I can't leave you alone for two minutes. Honestly, what is the matter with—?"

Vimes stopped when he heard the door open. He turned slowly and saw Sybil poking her head out. She smiled sweetly to him and then remembered herself. She let out a gasp as she pulled herself back inside and slammed the door quickly. Vimes slapped his forehead and tried to stifle a groan but could not. He really hated weddings. It was a small comfort that he wouldn't have to deal with this nonsense ever again once it was all over and done with. He knocked on the door again very gently. "Sybil, dear… Is something wrong?"

"The groom can't see the bride before the wedding. It's bad luck." Vimes couldn't stop himself. He grinned manically though she couldn't see him. "Well, Fred here says that Nobby's the groom now, not me. So it doesn't matter." Colon went white as a sheet when the door swung open and Lady Sybil stepped out. "What?" Vimes and Sybil looked at Colon expectantly. Colon was shaking like leaf for a few seconds then he turned around. "What, Nobby? Oh ok, I'll be right there!"

Vimes had never seen Sergeant Colon run so fast. Both he and Sybil laughed quietly for a moment. Vimes shook his head and smiled at Sybil. "Can I come in?" Sybil nodded and stepped back into the Changing Room. Vimes closed the door behind him. He finally got a good look at Sybil. She was wearing a chestnut colored wig and Vimes wondered for a moment if it was the same one she wore when they had their first dinner together. The color of the dress itself was that kind of white that is so white, it was almost blue.

Sybil found herself blushing and looked down at the floor. Vimes took a step forward to touch her cheek and then stopped himself. He remembered that he was covered in mud, blood and crap. He put his hand down. "You look beautiful…" Sybil looked back up and smiled radiantly. "And you look… umm…" Vimes looked down at himself and laughed. "I look like something fished out of the Ankh." Sybil laughed and covered her mouth. "Sorry…"

Vimes shrugged. He looked away for a moment and bit on the inside of his mouth. He absently started patting his coat pockets for his pack of cigars. Eventually, he found them. He pulled out the cigar pack and found that it, as well as the cigars inside, was soaked through. He put them back in his pocket with a sigh. He looked around the Changing Room. He desperately wanted to sit down but he knew that he'd leave a horrible stain on anything he touched. He looked down and back and noticed that it was too late for that and he had already tracked dirt onto the plush white carpet.

"Oh shi—"

"Sam!"

"Sorry." There was an nervous pause before Lady Sybil spoke.

"Damn stupid idea to put white carpet in here, really. Didn't it occur to anyone that people would be in and out of here all morning?"

Vimes smiled and shrugged. He probably should have been more surprised to find out that Sybil hadn't had much say in how things were being done. But it occurred to him that for the most part, people do things a certain way because that how they're Done. It was very likely that she had fallen into that same trap, just like he had. He looked at Sybil and grinned wickedly. "How about you and I run away together?"

Sybil laughed softly. "What?"

Vimes took a step forward. "You know, elope. Forget all this… wedding bollocks. We can go to Cockbill. There's bound to be a priest there that can perform a quick version of the ceremony and then we can just get on with our lives."

"Sam, everything's already been taken care of. All the guests are here, the food's ready, we won't be able to get our deposit back on the flowers and I'm not running all the way to Cockbill Street in this… dress. If you had wanted to just elope you should have said something sooner. Like… yesterday maybe?"

She did have a point. It was a shame to waste all that food. Vimes shrugged. "All right. But next time we get married, we're just going to elope." He grinned at Sybil again, Sybil smiled back. "You should probably get… cleaned up before you get a whole eco-system going in your pockets." Vimes nodded slowly and opened the door. "I'll see you in a bit."

When Vimes was out of the Changing Room, he found Nobby waiting. "Is the wedding still on, sir?"

"Yes, Nobby."

"Are you still going to marry Lady Sybil?"

"Of course, Nobby."

"Oh."

Clearly, weddings make everyone crazy. Vimes found the Dean and Arch Chancellor. "Is there somewhere where I can get cleaned up?" The Dean led Vimes to the student showers. The Arch Chancellor went with them. Colon was about to follow after them when Nobby interrupted him. "Is there something I should do, Sarge?" Colon thought for a moment. "Stall the guests." Then Colon chased after the wizards and Vimes. Nobby wandered back to the Great Hall and looked around at the impatient faces. He took a dog end from behind his ear and lit it uncomfortably. "So… uh… anyone heard the one about the really small musician?"

Of course, it the shower took longer than normal to get Vimes any resemblance of clean but it gave Colon enough time to run back to Scoone Ave and get another suit for Vimes and run back. By the time he got back to University, Vimes still wasn't done scrubbing. He went into the locker room that was attached to the showers. There was a curtain separating the showers from the locker room. "I got you a new suit, Mister Vimes?"

"It's not the dark blue one with the lace is it?" Vimes called out over the sound of running water.

"Heheh… what? No. It's a black one."

"Thank gods." The sound of running water stopped abruptly. There was some shuffling and then Vimes' hand reached out around doorway. "Give 'em here. Thank you." Sergeant Colon handed Vimes the bundle of clothes. There was some more shuffling and then a frustrated sigh. "Fred…"

"Yessir?"

"Don't you think you forgot something?"

"Sir?"

"Something important…"

"Sir?"

"Something like… drawers?"

"Wha—Oh… Well, sir… I don't really feel right going through your unmentionables…" Colon's voice tapered off of its own accord.

Vimes stepped into the locker room. He was fully dressed, with one undetectable but very important exception and his face was the color of a well-ripened tomato. He took several deep breaths and Sergeant Colon just knew that Mister Vimes would go spare if he said one word out of place. Vimes glared at Colon for a long time before speaking in a low growl. "You will not breathe a word… of this, to anyone. Do you understand?" Colon nodded desperately, he wanted to beg forgiveness but sometimes Mister Vimes really had no patience for tradition.

Vimes seemed to calm down a little. "Good. I must say, Fred. You are the worst best man, in existence." Colon looked down in shame. "I know. I'm sorry, sir." Vimes patted Colon's arm as he past him. "C'mon, Fred." He paused for a moment as the thought started to sink in. "I'm getting married." He smiled nervously. So after much delay, the wedding ceremony was finally underway.

The wedding march began to play and somewhere a young man made a toast to Mister Vimes and Lady Sybil. The ceremony was going swimmingly. Vimes was even forgetting that he wasn't wearing any drawers under his suit. It seemed that something was finally going the way it was supposed to today. Then the Dean said, "The bride and groom have written their own vows."

Panic streaked across Vimes' and Colon's faces at the same time. The vows that Sybil had insisted Vimes write were on a little card in his ruined suit. Of course they were. It was a narrative miracle that Colon hadn't lost the ring as it was. For the ceremony to go smoothly was really hoping for too much. Vimes maintained his party smile as Sybil started in on the vows she wrote.

"Sam… I never thought that I'd meet anyone quite like you. Gods, I wish I could say how I feel without sounded horribly trite… I suppose I should start by saying that I love you. I love your earthiness, your frankness, your demented sense of humor, your fire, especially your fire. Sometimes I'm afraid that in time, it will completely consume me but I can't stop myself from wanting to… keep myself warm with it. I don't know how long I can keep from being consumed but I promise to never let that fire go out."

Vimes really tried not to feel self-conscious while Sybil spoke from her heart, he really did. He really was touched by what she said but some rotten little part of him kept compelling him to glance to the rows of people, strangers and minor acquaintances that were getting to observe something so intimate and personal. It was none of their business how he or Sybil felt about each other. He suddenly understood what the real problem with weddings was.

Weddings trivialize love. They cheapen it by turning a commitment that two people want to share into a spectacle, a form of street theatre. He shut his eyes tightly. This was not the time to act cynical. This was his wedding. If he couldn't summon up some sentiment, some romance… some… openness now, what hope did he have? To hell with all the spectators, maybe this was street theatre but it was important to Sybil. She probably wasn't thinking about making a fool of herself in front of everyone. She probably thought she was doing it for him.

She deserved someone who was willing to make a fool of himself just for her. He took one last look at the rows of people. His eyes stopped on Nobby for a moment, who had his arms crossed and was shaking his head solemnly. Nobby was really starting to get under Vimes' skin. He looked back at Sybil and smiled sweetly to her. There was only one oath, one vow that ever meant anything to Vimes and she was going to get it.

"I comma square bracket recruit's name square bracket comma do solemnly swear by square bracket recruit's deity of choice square bracket to…" This is where it got a little tricky. "love Sybil Ramkin faithfully, serve Sybil's trust comma and defend her without fear comma favor comma or thought of personal safety semicolon to pursue evil-doers who threaten her and protect her comma laying down my life if necessary in the cause of said duty comma so help me square bracket aforesaid deity square bracket full stop Gods Save the King stroke Queen square bracket delete which is inappropriate square bracket full stop."

Everyone present at the ceremony watched Vimes with expressions of horror, bemusement and total disbelief at what they had just heard. Except for the Librarian who did believe what he just heard and found it quite amusing. Lady Sybil was the first to get her bearings again. She leaned forward a bit and whispered to Vimes. "Did you just butcher the City Watch oath for me?" Vimes nodded slowly, his face was also a mask of horror and surprise. Sybil smiled rather amorously at Vimes. "That's so romantic." Vimes smiled insanely for… what was it the eighth time today? "I'm glad you liked it, dear."

The ceremony was concluded without any further hitch. The reception was like all other receptions in the multiverse. There was the first dance as husband and wife, the Best Man's toast… which took a lot longer than it needed to since it was Sergeant Colon doing the toasting. There was thanking the guests for attending, cutting the wedding cake, throwing the bouquet… Piranhas would have would have been shocked for seeing how the innocent bouquet was torn to pieces by bloodthirsty bridesmaids. Then there was the throwing of the garter… Nobby and the Librarian were locked into an epic battle of tug o' war for that one and all the bridesmaids who had come away with bits of bouquet were suddenly nowhere to be found afterwards.

Then it was finally over. Or at least, it was all right for the bride and groom to sneak away. Vimes and Sybil walked slowly back into the Ramkin… well, now the Vimes mansion. They didn't say a word as the ascended the stairs and stopped at the door to the master bedroom… their room. They stared at the door with uncertainty. Sybil coughed a little.

"Well… here we are."
"Yeah."

"Our room."

"Our bedroom."

"I guess we should go in."

"Yes, I guess we should."

Sybil reached for the doorknob. Vimes put his hand over hers. "Aren't I supposed to carry you in?" Sybil tried not to laugh. "Are you sure you want to try that?" Vimes looked offended. "Don't look so surprised. It's not like I've never carried you before." Sybil nodded knowledgably. "Yes, I remember that. But that was different." Vimes narrowed his eyes. "Damn right it was. I'm not going to have to run or carry you that far. I think I can manage." Sybil put her hands on Vimes' shoulders. "I think… it would be wiser to… not injure yourself… at this point in time."

Sybil smiled very timidly. Vimes felt his face warm up. He nodded slowly then remembered that he was supposed to be offended. "Well… someone has to carry someone into our room..." Sybil rolled her eyes and groaned. "Oh all right." She bent down, wrapped her arms around his waist, hoisted him over her shoulder with seemingly little effort, stalked into their bedroom at last and kicked the door closed once inside. There was the sound of rustling from within and then Sybil said. "Why aren't you—"

"You know, it's a really long story and I don't feel like telling it right now…"

The End

No really. That's it. It's over, you pervs.