Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2 or the characters. All I own is a character I made up (Officer Fuku) and this story.
Author Notes: Rated R for retarded/language/drug and adult humor/author notes. Fuck. see? rated R. This story is an A/U. The beginning of this fic takes place when Ranma and Ryoga were in Junior High together. They are friends in this fic, so they aren't in character. They're also big time pot-heads. If ya don't like it, don't read it. I bolded the end of every sentence on purpose. LOL.
Quick Note: Grow trees, smoke weed, love life. Thats my motto.
The Brotherhood: Half Baked
Chapter 1: Toke, toke, pass!
"Hurry up and spark it!" Ryoga complained to his companion, waiting impatiently to get the 'magical' herbs into his system.
"Yeah yeah," Ranma replied, placing the tightly rolled joint in his mouth. Digging into his pocket, he pulled his hand out to reveal a small zippo lighter. He flicked it open and lit the doobie, sucking on it.
The boy inhaled it then grinned to himself at the distinct taste and the light head rush he just got.. "You know man.. this is some pretty good shit." Ranma complimented, staring down the doobie. "Where'd you find it?" he asked as he continued to puff.
"Heh, I can't tell you that," Ryoga responded with a smirk, "Toke, toke, pass." Ranma handed Ryoga the well-rolled joint, who sucked on it and inhaled. He repeated the action a few times then passed it back to the ponytailed boy. "Hydro. Wicked shit man," the bandanna-clad lad said, holding the smoke in his lungs.
"Haha.. Wicked is right, I feel 'er already. Why don't you come to my house after? I got some mushrooms in my room."
"'Aight man. Lets stop at my place first, so I can get my weed." Ranma just nodded in appreciation.
Darkness loomed over the empty alleyway that the two boys were in. The only light was provided by the cherry of the joint, glowing ever so brightly with each haul. They were sitting on the steps of a hair salon that lead to a back entrance, facing the dead end of the alley. While the time passed and the night air began to cool, the two boys continued to smoke and pass, until a car rolled up to the mouth of the only exit.
Ranma and Ryoga's eyes widened in paranoia when they heard the car stop, and saw bright colorful lights flashing off of the wall they were facing. Simultaniously, they both slowly turned around to see a very familiar white caparice cruiser and a very familiar overweight man dressed in a blue uniform step out of it. He recognized the two stoners immediately.
"You two mother fuckers AGAIN?!" he barked, breaking the silence.
"Fuck, 5-O!! Run!" Ranma cried. He bolted off towards the dead end at the back of the alley and leapt over it, while Ryoga ran directly towards the officer via bad sense of direction. He was about to stop him, but figured Ryoga could take care of himself even if he was a little high. So he just kept running..... and smoking the joint.
The officer was already giving chase to the lost boy. Fortunately for Ryoga, he realized that he was going in the wrong direction, and cursed himself silently before turning around to flee. Just before the cop's hand could grab him, he leapt with great force to the roof of the hair salon.
"Get down here you god damn hoodlum!" the officer screamed, spit flying in all directions.
"Sorry, piggy. Maybe ya should lay a bit of slack in them donuts." Ryoga burst out laughing before taking off.
"You two delinquents ain't gettin' away this time!" the man in blue yelled to himself. He ran back to his cruiser, cursing and sweaing, then jumped in. The sirens blared and the car shifted to one side, and the tires spun as the cop floored the gas pedal.
An extremely high Ranma wiped the sweat off his face as he caught his breath. He laughed to himself over what just happened, then wondered if Ryoga was okay. After all, he ran straight towards the cop.. At that thought, the lost boy himself slammed into Ranma at full speed, knocking both of them ass over teakettle. Ranma rubbed his head then looked at the boy who carelessly knocked him over, ready to give him a good punch. Then he noticed it was Ryoga.
"Watch where yer goin'!" shouted the lost boy angrily.
"You," Ranma replied calmly. Ryoga got a closer look at the person who so rudely pushed him down.
"Oh, it's you. WHY DIDN'T YOU PASS THE DOOBIE?!?!"
"You ran the other way!! Anyways, we're at my place. I doubt we'd make it back to your house with Fuku on the prowl. C'mon dude, you can stay here for the night."
"I don't see why not. Besides, those 'shrooms sound inviting," Ryoga said with a smirk. The two walked inside the back door that led to the kitchen and passed through the hallway into the livingroom. On the floor sat a very spaced out-looking Genma, grinning at absolutly nothing and staring at the wall. Ranma eyed him then walked up the stairs, followed by Ryoga. Just as he reached the first step, his father spoke up.
"Boy." he said sternly.
Ranma looked at his father, of whom's bloodshot eyes told an elaborate story that that he was higher then a kite. "What?"
"I heard sirens. That wouldn't happen to be your fault, would it?" he asked, staring into Ranma's equally red eyes. Ryoga grew noticably nervous.
"Uhh.. Actually, yeah. Fuku again."
Genma grinned. "Hehehe, got away again huh? Musta been a trip out this late at night."
"Mm hmm" Ranma mumbled, continuing up the stairs and into his room. When he and Ryoga got to the room, Ranma shut the door and locked it.
"I never asked this before, but does your old man smoke?" Ryoga asked.
"Uh huh, he's been doin' it since he was 10."
The ponytailed boy walked over to his dresser and pulled out the middle drawer, looking inside. His eyes grew wide in frustration. Sitting there, where ten grams of mushrooms used to lay, there were only four left.
"OLD BASTARD!!!!!" Ranma screamed at the top of his lungs. He opened the door and flew down the stairs at a hundred miles per hour. "What'd you do with my shrooms!!?" the boy hollared.
Genma calmly, but obviously with some trouble stood to his feet, then smiled. "Don't worry son. I got just the thing to repay you."
"Oh yeah?" Ranma questioned, cracking his knuckles, "And what's that?"
Genma strode into the kitchen, stumbling a few times and laughing at himself when he did. He then opened the freezer and grabbed a few bottles out of a white bag, then walked back to where the two boys impatiently stood.
"Imported alcohol from Canada. Royal Reserve, Black Velvet, and Jack Daniels. Cheers!" Genma laughed.
"I suppose I'll forgive ya THIS TIME." Ranma said, shooting him an evil glare. Genma walked into the kitchen and sat on one of the chairs next to the table. Ryoga followed him, and Ranma ran back upstairs. He returned with the shrooms and handed two grams to Ryoga. At the same time they both took the drugs out of the little baggies, put them in their mouths and started chewing. After Genma cracked open the bottle of Royal Reserve and filled the glasses, they swallowed and washed it down with the whiskey. Ryoga looked like he just bit into a very sour lemon.
"Ugh.." groaned Ranma as he let out a big belch. Genma chugged down the entire contents of his own glass, then pulled out a small plastic sandwich bag full of weed from his pocket.
"Who gots papers?" he asked, looking between the two boys.
"Here," said Ryoga as he pulled out a packet of rolling papers. He took four out and handed them to the older man. "Roll a big one."
Genma grinned then skillfully he licked parts of the papers and stuck them together to make a perfect two by two paper. He took a pleasant amount of weed and littered it on top, then began to shape it.
"Jeez pops, even when your fucked up on mush' you can still roll like a pro." Ranma commented.
"Quiet boy!" Genma snapped, almost losing the load. "I'm tryin' to concen-centrate."
Ryoga and Ranma both stiffled a laugh as Genma babbled like a moron and rolled the paper up to the lip. He licked the wing and sealed the fat joint. After tightening one end, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pack of imported American cigarettes.
"Holy fuck pop, you sure smuggle a lot of shit," Ranma noted while refilling his glass with R & R.
"I got connections," the bald man responded as he ripped a large rectangular chunk off the top of the cardboard pack. He took out a cigarette and put it on top of his ear. "Smoke for later?" he asked, offering one to either of the boys. They both gratefully took one and stuck them on their ears for after the joint. Genma rolled the piece of cardboard into a filter, and pushed it into the gaping end of the doob. He then put the cigarettes back in his pocket and observed his work, smirking. "Dis one's packed, boys."
As Ryoga refilled his glass with more of the whiskey, Genma lit up the huge fatty in his mouth. He took a few drags off of it and passed it to Ryoga.
"Shit," Genma said quietly, noticing the blinds on the window were opened. He got up and shut them, but not before catching a glimpse of a shaded car that had just parked on the street by his house. "Damn. Fuku's watchin' us again."
"Psh, that crack-baby won't do nuttin'. He's a joke." Ranma said with a grin. Ryoga passed the joint over to Ranma and chuckled.
"Heh heh... donuts," the lost boy mumbled to himself as he felt the alcohol and weed mixing inside of him. Genma shut off the lights and turned on a very dim lamp, then sat back down and refilled his glass with the remaining R & R. He took a sip of it and smiled inwardly to himself. Ryoga finished off his drink, then continued, "Ya know Ranma, you should do somethin' about the ponytail. It makes you look girlish."
"Think so?" Ranma asked as he passed the joint back to his father, who began hauling on it.
"Yes, Ranma. You should shhhhtyle it a little better. We can't have men lookin' like women around here," Genma exclaimed.
'Hmm...' Ranma thought to himself. Obviously the drugs were taking a toll, otherwise the boy would've been sure to put up a fight. 'I guess it can't do any harm.'
Genma passed the joint to Ryoga and took a sip of the strong alcohol. He rubbed his eyes, then gulped down his entire drink. The bald man then stared at his son.
"Ranma," he started, sounding as sober as possible, "We're leavin' on a training trip to China."
Ryoga choked and broke into a coughing fit as he heard the words. 'Training trip?' he thought.
"Why? When? Why?" asked a confused Ranma, thinking the same thing as the lost boy.
"I thinks you need to brush up yer skills, bein' heir to the School of Anythin'-Goes martial arts an' all," the old man answered, "An' what better time ta leave then tonight."
'Aw man.. this sucks!' Ryoga thought. 'I just became Ranma's friend a month ago.'
"Sure pops, it'd be nice to get away from that fat cop. But do ya mind if Ryobla-- err Ryoga comes? His dope is fuckin' awesome. and he doesn't have any family in the area. That's if he doesn't mind," Ranma said, looking towards the bandanna-clad boy and feeling somewhat drunk over his incredible weed buzz. Ryoga looked at Ranma and then to Genma, who was also staring back at him.
"Guess that's that. Do ya wanna?" the bald man asked.
"Uhm.. uhh... eh.. Yah!" Ryoga replied with an alcoholic's confidence.
"Then I dun care," Genma said to his son. Ryoga looked to his friend, who gave him a thumbs up. He took another long puff off the joint, feeling even happier despite his buzz.
Ranma reached behind his head and undid his ponytail, letting his hair fall freely, then walked into the bathroom. Ryoga watched him leave, then passed the joint back to Genma.
He took a long drag, then stared at the boy who was sitting across from him. "So, Ryoga, what'erve you ben up to lately?" he asked.
"Not to muchs, shir," the lost boy lisped, choking back a drug-enhanced laugh, "Same stuff. Runnin' from Fuku, gettin' high.."
"Heh, you jes' like sonny there. You two could be brothers 'n' stuff ya know."
"Yeah. I guess we could." said Ryoga, thinking about that. He wondered what it would be like to be Ranma's brother. Would it be fun? Not so fun? He stopped his thoughts so he could fully enjoy his weed and alcohol buzz. Suddenly out of nowhere, Genma leaned over to the side of his chair and puked. A large disgusting puddle sat on the floor as Ryoga stared. "...THAT WAS TRIPPY!" he exclaimed.
"Fuckin' Right!" Ranma cried from behind him, who wished he had stayed in the bathroom a little longer.
"Ugh.. shrooms an' beer don't mix... heheheh...haha.." Genma smirked as he wiped his mouth with his sleeve. "Good thing we's leavin' tonight. I not feelin' up to cleanin' that."
Ranma sat down with his freshly made pigtail hanging limply to his back. "It's not beer plops. I mean pops. Think teh hair is aight?" he asked Ryoga.
"Yeah. It's cool", replied the lost and now drunk boy.
"Here, you two finish thish," Genma said, passing the doobie to Ranma. The old man then grabbed the larger bottle of Black Velvet, cracked it open and filled Ranma's, Ryoga's, and his own glass. "Cheers to China," he said.
"Cheers to China," the two boys replied in unison. The three chugged their drinks and slammed the glasses down. After Ranma smoked a satisfying amount of the joint, he passed it to Ryoga. As the other boy toked, Genma filled the three glasses again with more Black Velvet. Ryoga put out the now half-doob in an ashtray, and Genma raised his glass again. "Cheers to China!" he shouted drunkenly.
"Cheers to China!" the boys yelled back. The three once again chugged back their drinks, feeling the warm burning sensation all the way down. Ryoga came quite close to whorfing it all out after he was finished. Then Genma greedily took the bottle and chugged the rest of the contents. He grinned at the two teenagers, who were grinning back with their bloodshot red eyes beaming from the dim light.
"I guessh... we should shtart packin'," said an over-joyous Genma, careful not to let anymore of his precious dinner escape. He stood up, but before he could walk, he looked down to see his bare foot resting in his own spew. "Ahhh!! Damn, I shoulda cleaned-ed it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Scene Splitter~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Officer Fuku sat in his undercover car, staring at the Saotome house and waiting. He had his trusty gun to his side, waiting to see if anyone would come out. He'd gladly crash through the door and cuff them if he had a warrant, but try as he might he couldn't get enough proof that they had drugs on them to get one. He'd get those two for humiliating him, and he'd get them good... he still remembered the day that they made him the laughingstock of the entire police force. It only happened two weeks ago...
FLASHBACK
It was a sunny day and Fuku was driving his cruiser downtown, looking for any trouble. The wind that blew through his opened window made his gruffy black mustache and somewhat long black hair flop around. His normally hardened and blank expression was instead one of happiness and pride. He grinned as he saw that the town he lived in was secure as usual, everyone playing it safe, and not a problem to be solved. Or so he thought...
His rookie partner sat in the passenger seat, keeping a good eye on the surroundings that blurred by. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a small patch of grey fog. He turned his head and saw two young boys behind a post office, smoking something, obviously a fat joint, about the size of a ruler. The young man squinted his eyes, then turned to his partner.
"Hey Jerome," he called to the other man, "Aren't the-"
"I told you not to use my first name when you address me." The overweight officer's attitude had shifted dramatically. His eyes glimmered with an unknown passion; one that clearly stated that the troublesome kids were about to get their asses handed to them.
"Er.. sorry, 'Fuku', but aren't they the kids posted on the bulletin board at the station? You know, the two trouble makers, Ranma Saotome and Ryoga Hibiki?"
Fuku glaced at his partner, then slammed on the brakes. The two boys heard the skidding tires and immediately made a run for it. Upon seeing them get away, the officer turned the sirens and lights on then slammed his foot down on the gas pedal and gave chase. The boys ran to the left at the end of the block and leapt to a roof as they tried to get away from the persistant officer. Fuku stared in amazement at the energetic boys leaping from roof to roof and running at the same pace as his speeding cruiser, but that didn't stop him. He whirled the steering wheel to the left, the car swirved, and he remained in hot pursuit.
The two teens tried different routes, but he persistantly followed through the alleyways, parking lots, and busy streets to keep close. By the time they were out of town, it was a like a final race to see who would run out of gas first. He kept up with them the entire time.. Or rather, they kept up with the car's speed. Ten exhausting miles of running down the extremely long road, trying to ditch the police, the two boys lost their stamina and had to stop to catch their breath. The car quickly came to a halt behind them and the two cops jumped out.
"FREEZE!" Called the one that was in the passenger seat, revealing his gun as a warning. With shaky hands he pointed it at the somewhat larger boy with the yellow and black bandanna as anxiety set in.
"You two are under arrest!" the other man with the mustache called. He ran towards them with great speed, considering how large he was, and leapt at them. The two dodged off to either side and watched the officer tumble behind them. He jiggled and rolled a good 12 meters. Officer Fuku got back up to his feet and stared at them malevolently.
"Hah, I thought you.. had to be in 'good' shape.. to get in the po-lice force," the boy with the ponytail wisecracked between gasps for air. The other boy let out a loud drug-enhanced laugh at the comment.
Fuku stared daggers into the boy who just made the fat joke with determination plastered on his face. He started towards him, but to his dismay he tripped on a large chunk of rock that was sticking up in the middle of the road. He fell... and fell... and fell..., it seemed like he was in slow motion, until his face finally connected with the pavement. He screamed in pain as the cartilage in his nose was shredded.
The two stoners looked at him with slight sympathy, holding back the laughter that threatened to erupt at any second. The other police man rushed by them to his partner's side and helped him up, to see that there was blood gushing down his face and tears welling up in his eyes. The older man choked out a sob, and reached up to touch his nose. He delicately tapped it, then winced at the immense pain.
As his partner helped him back to the car, the larger man looked to see the two boys were out of sight. He stared at nothing as the tears and blood dripped off his face onto his uniform. That day was the end of his career as a 'respected' police officer.
END FLASHBACK
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Scene Splitter~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'And I thought of him as a friend,' Fuku thought to himself, 'Stupid kid.. went off and told the entire team. After that they all made fun of me, a thirty-eight year old man, tripping on a rock and breaking my nose... and crying to boot. I don't see why the chief assigned him as my partner in the first place...
'Oh yes Ranma Saotome.. Ryoga Hibiki.. you're both going to be in a world of shit when I'm done with you..' The dark haired man suddenly snapped out of his day dreaming when he heard the sound of a door opening and closing. He refocused his eyes and squinted them at the three figures that stumbled out of the house, two of which had backpacks on. One of the three fell while he reached to grab his binoculars from the dashboard, and he couldn't help but give a loathsome chuckle. Looking through the binoculars, he saw the troublesome twosome and Ranma's father. They were all obviously wrecked, giving the fact that they couldn't even stand up straight. He looked at the biggest man with the white gi and glasses for a minute. The expression on his face in the darkness was hard to make out, but it looked as though he was trying to remember something important. He remembered the old man looking directly at him through the window before shutting the blinds.
"Old fool.. not much of a memory," he told himself. He smiled wryly and watched in amusement as they finally made it onto the road.
When Ranma tumbled his way to the open road, his mushroom buzz kicked in at full blast and he tripped on his own foot, landing on the side of his head. He forgot where and who he was while he tried with great effort to stand to his feet. Panic and anxiety rushed through him as he tried eagerly to regain control. When he slightly regained some of his senses, he looked up and saw little stars dancing around his head like in the cartoons after someone had an anvil dropped on him. He burst out laughing and fell again, this time landing on his rear. He could hear his father and Ryoga laughing insanely from behind him, but his own laughter drowned out most of it. As he finally got to his feet, he felt his head pumping from the pain the he couldn't really feel. He looked at Ryoga, who was still laughing.
"Shaddup!" he managed to blurt out. A few odd shapes crossed his vision as the feeling of weed, shrooms, and alcohol intertwined inside of his system. He shook it off and looked back at Ryoga, who was clutching his gut and coughing from laughing so hard. Genma had stopped, but a priceless smile was still plastered on his face.
Ryoga's mushroom buzz had already kicked in a little when he first got outside, but he managed to keep it under control. That is, until Ranma fell. It looked like he fell through the ground, and now he was coughing from laughing. He tried to regain control, but then the grass on Ranma's lawn turned into the ocean and another wave of laughter washed over him.
"I've got the munchies hard," Genma said as his growling stomach agreed.
"Pops you're getted... no, you ARE the munchies allll the time," Ranma accused, making less and less sense. "All ya do is eat."
Ryoga finally got out of his coughing/laughing fit and caught his breath. He to was now feeling the full affects of the mushrooms. "Lets go to my spot. I'd got munchies there. And, and I needs to get my.. my uhh.. uhmm.. oh yeah, stash."
"Spot?" Ranma asked as he cocked an eyebrow upwards.
"I said house."
"No!! you didn't!"
"..Shut up.. up." he stammered. Suddenly Ryoga's attention was diverted from Ranma to the black car that stopped directly infront of him. Through his eyes, it looked like an octopus, and he started thinking he was going crazy.
The overweight cop jumped out and held his pistol out towards Ranma's torso. "You two are gonna pay for what you did to me," he stated calmly.
"Eh? What? What I do?" said the pigtailed boy in an off tone.
"As if you've forgotten already," the man said, twitching his mustache from side to side, "Because of you two, I have been humiliated for the past two weeks. Tripping me, a high authority officer like that, you should be ashamed."
"Umm.. Wha..?" Ranma asked with a puzzled expression. "When did I.. trip you?"
"Two weeks ago! You don't remember? When you made me trip and break my nose!?" shouted the angry police man.
"Whaaat? You the one dat tripped yourself! You're trippin'!"
"Do...d-d-donuts..? Hahaha!" Ryoga added, as he abruptly burst into another laughing fit.
"Come on son. Ignore 'im. We can outrun 'im. We are leavin' for China, right now," called Ranma's pop.
"Shut up! All of you!" Fuku cried, taking another step and raising the gun to eye-level. Ranma was tripping right out. On instinct from his sense of danger, he dropped his backpack and executed a roundhouse kick aimed for the gun. Instead, his foot connected with Fuku's forearm, which did the trick anyways. As the gun fell to the ground, and a single stray bullet was fired. It sounded like a loud clap of thunder. The wild bullet flew past Ranma and whizzed by Genma's head, barely nicking the tip of his ear. Everyone silenced, and the three druggies went into a complete paranoia trip for a second.
The older man's eyes widened in shock as his insane buzz overwhelmed him at the thought of nearly being killed. He reached up to feel his tender ear, and his finger touched a thick liquid that was lightly oozing from the cut. Genma then looked at his bloody finger, which suddenly turned into a bloody arm via very strong mushrooms, and rage began to build inside. The other three stared at his bright blue, unsynchronized battle aura that flickered into existance.
"YOU MORON!!" was his battlecry before he ran up to the cop and gave him a massive uppercut. The unexpecting officer soared through the sky as he yelped in pain.
After Genma caught his breath and forced down the vein that was popping out of his head, he glanced to the boys who were now on the ground laughing. Then he began to laugh to, realizing he had just pounded a cop into next friday. His attention turned to the black car that was still running. He smirked inwardly.
"Joyride?" he asked the two boys who were still on the ground.
END chapter 1.
Hope you like my twisted sense of humor.