The cold air woke me and I felt brittle and small. The musty smell from too many days of unvented condescension wafted in my senses as well, adding to the uncomfortable winter morning I woke up to once again. I curl under the blankets and try forcing my memory to form the images of my dream the night before when I was in a mansion on top of a hill and didn't have to be woken up like this, with a cup of imported tea steaming in my hand and the face of my courter looking at me with a glaze in the eyes that gave away his secret: he was in love.
This wasn't just a dream, though. It was a memory becoming all too real again only to be taken away just like that life had been taken away from me when it was discovered I had been paying for such a boy.
All that money had gone to filth, my father said. All this time, I had been a whore to the commoners and gave out his money like I gave out my body.
Except I wasn't a whore. I, too, was in love with the very man I was paying for-the only man I paid for. I paid him to forget and keep it a secret, but we quickly got careless. We became lovers and he was beneath my class so the secret had to stay for vain reasons that only had him leaving me and throwing the money in my face. One secret unraveled and now I'm sleeping in a damp room I can't even afford, crying over how I can remember everything so clearly-haunting me like a ghost and it can't be changed or revived.
He'd hold me close in the night, our bare skin almost melting together from shared body heat overnight and his kisses remain on my lips like a candy I can't ever have again. I can still feel his touch and remember being touched for the first time; the tickling of my clothes being removed from my skin made my heart beat more and more while the caresses of his delicate hands kept me at ease even when he touched my more sensitive areas. In a weird way, I was comforted by this stranger at the time, but that could've been because I thought I'd never see him again.
He came into my small town with only the intention of a visit, hoping the rumors were true and this mystery bound place would send him on breathtaking adventures and he could get away from the escort life for something better. To him, he felt that happened when he met me for the first time and I dismissed him time and time again until the day came when his exploration of the paranormal saves my life and family's. As a reward, I simply treated him as an equal, but that only fueled his idea that we could be more.
He was courting another at the time, who stood in the same upper class circle I did, but nobody knew their relationship. Some assumed him to be rich and powerful like the rest of us while others, like my parents, thought this other woman had dropped her standards. Either way, they passed the relationship as legitimate, but truthfully, she was paying extra for him to attend these parties and events because she believed that was part of his job. In truth, he had lied about that part so he could pursue me next. He was good at playing the charming guy who could swoon ladies with small talk and a glance, but I got to know him well enough to know he was very much awkward and shy and timid. I liked that about him and the honesty it gave his character.
Weeks went by before I caved into the charm and found myself arranging a meeting in a cafe outside of town. It could arguably be considered at date with the way we connected, but at the end of the day when I was brought back to a hotel room he booked and caved into his passion, that's when I knew I had been courted. At the beginning, I was a virgin too disconnected from anyone to have sex and then suddenly I was lying on my back in the lush threaded sheets, being on the natural high of romance and adrenaline as he kissed my lips and playfully tugged on them to further the enticement and let me experience this desire I waited 22 years for.
The aftermath left me longing to be held again. I wanted to know he was still here with me and this wasn't my own doing again. He pressed his forehead against mine gently and my hands caresses his cheeks as I encouraged him to look up at me, locking our eyes together in one final moment of intimacy.
He pressed his lips against mine, gently stroking my outer thigh while our laps remained against one another, sticky from the remains of sex. We broke the kiss and lay there, his head on my chest as I took slow breaths. I watched the curls of his head bob up and down with my chest and I kissed him causing him to look up with that look-that damned look that gave it all away!
He smiled at me and kissed my clavicle, working up to my neck, cheek, and then the lips. He lingered on there, making sure I knew the full extent of what his mouth could do to mine, tasting the last of the minty freshness from earlier as our tongues brushed together. His lips were firm, but soft on my mine and also gone too soon as he rolled over and left me there to lie exposed in bed.
That was it. That was sex.
At the time, it felt fitting and right like nothing wrong could ever happen as long as we were together like this. Only after I watched him dress while I still lie there naked did I realize it was over and that was all. My body tried telling me it happened that I could still feel it while my mind tried convincing me it was another fantasy that didn't happen. My mind tried denying it before it sank in that I was no longer a virgin and the person I lost my virginity to was actually a prostitute.
The bed shook as he sat on the edge close to me. He asked if I was okay and when I nodded, his eyes gave that twinkle again before leaning in. I stopped him and sat up, reminding him that my time was up and I was ready to pay my dues. He took the money with regret like I was the first person who made him remember he couldn't love anyone for real just like I couldn't fall in love with someone like him.
It was just...impossible.