Authors Notes: This is my first MGS fic so I hope it isn't too bad. Also as a warning, this fic contains hintings of slash – meaning men liking other men. If this offends you then I advise that you do not read.
Disclaimer: I do not own Metal Gear Solid in any shape or form. It belongs Hideo Kojima and Konami respectively.
Final Chance
No one in this world can tell the precise moment they will die, but I know at least that in ten minutes or so, I'll be dead. From what I can see, I'm bleeding pretty badly. Damn bullet must have hit one of my vital organs. It hurts, but not as much as it should, and for some reason this scares me. I guess I'm too used to pain now, be it physically or mentally. I've been fighting on the battle field since I was six years old. I may have supposedly been the 'best at killing' but I've had my fair share of injuries too. No one on the battle field is immune to that pain. Except, perhaps him…
Anyway, it happened so often that it was basically a routine, something to be expected. It was simple really; you either endured the pain and kept on fighting, or were left to die. I didn't want to die, so I fought on. But now I can't fight, and so I'm going to die…
I'm surprised that that solider hadn't come back to kill me. Hell, in a way I even wish he would, then I wouldn't be here remembering all those unpleasant 'memories' that comprise of my life; wouldn't be here regretting those words that I could never say to him. I suppose it's true after all. That just as you're about to die, your entire life reveals itself to you. The joy, the pain, the suffering, the fear, the lies, the deceit, the emptiness, the loneliness…
No. That was a lie. I can't see, can't feel the joy I once experienced as it vanished long ago. Then again, it was never real in the first place, was it? The feelings that came after it; those are the ones that matter, the only ones which are real. Anything I felt in between them was just a lie. And yet, there is one emotion that resides amongst them. But it doesn't matter now- it'll die along with me. It might not even be real in the first place. I have a difficult time distinguishing between reality and fantasy, and because of that I just accept things for what they usually are; a lie. But still…It's a strong feeling.
I suppose in the end, it doesn't really matter. I'll never see him again. And he'll never know. Like I said, it will die along with me. I give a soft chuckle. I'm starting to feel something else now.
Regret.
The knowledge that I will never see him again has finally sunk in. God, I'll never see him again…
I can picture him clearly in my head right now, but in a short time, he'll be gone forever. He was… He was… I sigh. Damn, I can't even think straight anymore. All I know is -I mean I think- I love him. He-he's always been there for me…
After killing Solidus –my father- I tried working things out with Rose. I truly did try to forgive her; truly did try to understand her, but I... Whenever I looked into her face, all I could see were her lies, and those lies reflected what my life was built upon. In the end we only caused each other more pain. I couldn't smile any longer, I could no longer care. I would go for days without uttering a single word to her or anyone else. After all, what was the point? She wanted me to open up to her, to show her the 'real' me, but I ended up withdrawing even more. She would scream at me, plead for me to tell her what I was thinking, what I felt, sometimes even to the point of hysterics, and all I could do was stare back at her blankly. Eventually it became too much for her and she left, along with my unborn child.
When she was gone, I knew I should have missed her, but I didn't. I couldn't. When I looked back at our time together, I finally saw it for what it really was. It was like some distorted fairy-tale romance. Everything from how we met, finding out that we worked at the same place to that night at the Empire State building, it was all staged. We were just playing our parts – I unknowingly. Something I thought was so amazing turned out to be nothing but a big hoax, something designed to keep tabs on me, and I fell for it. I guess I can't blame her completely though. She was just following her orders and I happened to be part of that assignment. In the end, it's no different from me being order to kill someone…Nonetheless, I still can't quite forgive her, just as those who I've killed will never forgive me. She used and betrayed me just like father… Pretended to love me just like he did…
I felt so lost and alone, completely vulnerable and detached. And that's when he came. When he appeared I expected him to start yelling at me, telling me to get a grip of myself and stop wallowing in sorrows past. But he didn't. Instead he just held out his hand and led me away, and without question I followed him. I'm not quite sure why I did. Had it been anyone else I'm positive that I would have completely ignored them. I really didn't want to deal with people, but in the end he convinced me to join the organisation Philanthropy who even after all that had happened were still dedicated to wiping out all Metal Gears in existence and preventing new ones from being constructed.
To be honest, I don't quite understand how it all happened. I still didn't have a reason for fighting and it wasn't like he forced me to join either. He told me that it was my choice alone and left it at that, and for some reason this, more than anything else, made me join. Maybe it was because for the first time in my entire life, I felt like I was actually being given a choice, a real one, instead of being used and manipulated into a situation were I was at the complete control and mercy of others. When I told him I would join, he replied "I'm glad," and for the first time in what felt like an era, I smiled. And then he smiled back at me. That smile of his, it made me…it made me… well I don't actually know, but it made me feel something I hadn't felt in such along time. And for that, I was grateful.
When we weren't off on missions, I stayed with him. It was awkward at first but there was something about just being near him that made me feel comfortable, safe almost…And those days when it felt like I could no longer go on were somehow made bearable. Sometimes we sat talking for hours about nothing in particular, and sometimes we sat in complete but comfortable silence, and sometimes I even opened up a little bit of myself to him. He never made me do anything that I didn't want to do. It was always 'my choice'. But in a way I wouldn't have minded him making my choices for me as part of me wants to believe that he would never steer me wrong.
However, none of that matters now. Soon I'll be dead and my very existence will become nothing but a vague memory. A distorted memory, but a memory nonetheless… In the end it's probably for the best. A punishment almost, for all those who have died at my hand. "I guess you're all laughing right about now?" I whisper out loud. "From now on I'll be rotting in hell..."
I can feel the pain a lot clearer now. It hurts so much and for once, the physical pain seems to be overtaking the emotional. Why couldn't that damn soldier just have shot me in the head and have been done with it?
Suddenly I stop my train of thought as I hear something moving close by. Maybe it's that soldier returning…
"Raiden!"
My eyes widen as I hear a familiar voice calling out my name, and for a moment I wonder if I'm hallucinating perhaps from the blood lost and that my mind decided that for my last moments alive it would torment me in the worst way possible; to see the one thing I desired most but could never have.
I hear my name called out again. No it couldn't be. He was probably all the way over at the other side of this facility by now. Even if he did know I was injured, he wouldn't jeopardise the mission to come find me. No. He would never do that…
But now, in front of me I can see his face, can feel his hands against my body as he tries to figure out the extent of the damage. No. I can't believe that he's really here. Why would he…?
After what feels like an eternity, he pulls away slowly, probably realising that there is no way I can make it, and looks at me with…is that fear in his eyes?
"Raiden…" This time he whispers and there seems to be a kind of finality to his tone. Yes. He knows. And he knows that I know. He's not going to lie to me, tell me to hang in there and that I'll be alright. He's not that kind of person. My time just happens to be up, that's all. Hundreds of people die in battle everyday. It's nothing new, nothing shocking. But still, that look in his eyes. I don't understand. I-
All of a sudden I find myself coughing badly and this makes him grab hold of me. He tries to steady me, but does it gently in what seems to be fear of hurting me. I can taste blood as it runs from my mouth. It's so disgusting. I hate it. And from my life flashing in front of me to hacking my guts out, I can't help but feel that death is nothing but a huge cliché. There's nothing special about it; nothing at all. But still, as I die, here he is by my side and I still can't quite figure out why.
Finally I speak and it scares me how weak I sound. "Snake..."
Quickly he places one of his fingers against my lip. "Don't try to talk, kid."
For some reason I've always liked it when he calls me that…
"I guess I'm going to die, huh?" I say bluntly.
He winces when I say this. Or at least I think he does.
"Why are-" I stop, going into another coughing fit, and he acts immediately, quickly pulling me up so that my head is now resting against his shoulder. It feels nice lying against him like this, but I know he's only done this to prevent me from choking on my own blood. Again he tells me not to speak, but I have to. I have to know.
"Why are you here?"
He looks generally surprised when I ask him this, a sight which is quite rare to behold. "What are you talking about?"
"T-The mission…"
"The mission can wait, what's important right now is you and that you're hurt." he replies in a sort of stern voice. Important? Me? Could that mean…? No. He would have come back even if it had been someone else. He's that sort of person. One of the very few people I believe to have actual honour. Still… Otacon emphasised many a times just how important this mission is and I'm pretty sure Snake knows just a well as he does. It just seems strange that he would stray away from completing his mission objective when he knows just how vital it is, just for me.
"But…" He trails off. He doesn't want to say it.
"I'm not going to survive." I finish off, and I surprise myself as I sound sad.
I can feel him tense slightly, and he brings me closer. And when he closes his eyes, I smile briefly. I guess this isn't such a bad way to die, enclosed in his arms, so close that I can take in his scent. It's mixed with the smell of blood, but I don't concentrate on that, only his. Maybe I've just gotten used to the smell…
His body is so warm; his arms wrapped around me, so strong. Perhaps I'm experiencing a taste of heaven before being damned to hell. And this reminds me that it won't last. I'm out of time, and he has a mission to complete.
It's incredibly painful and somewhat ludicrous to willingly give up something you have unknowingly desired for so long, but I tell him anyway. "You should leave."
He let's out a grunt. "I'm not leaving you here like this kid." Why do you care so much? Just go, before I regret it even more.
"But the mission-"
"Fuck the mission!" he yells angrily, and I find myself startled from the unexpected outburst.
"Sn-Snake…"
"Just…" he lets out a sigh and places a hand on my head. "I'm staying, alright." He's now lightly stroking my hair. I can't believe it. He's risking the mission just to be here with me even though he knows I haven't got a chance. All of a sudden I feel water trickle down my face. Tears? I haven't cried in so long… I can't actually remember the last time I did. But I know that I've never cried in front of Rose.
"God, I'm sorry." He sounds like he's in pain. "I should have come here alone. I shouldn't have dragged you into this. And if I had just gotten here sooner-"
If he had gotten here sooner, it wouldn't have made any difference, but still he blames himself…
He laughs weakly. "I guess you would have been better off if I had never contacted you, after all."
He doesn't realise how wrong he is, and through my tears I can't help but smile. "No. Even if I had died back on that first mission, I'm glad that I got to be with you, Snake."
"Raiden…"
I let out a loud cry; the pain so much worse now.
"Raiden! Hang on!"
I can't go now. I-I have to say something! I stare at his face, trying my hardest to concentrate. Even though I'm the one experiencing this, he looks so fearful. I've never seen him like this before either. I have to hang on. I have to tell him. I owe him that much for all he's done for me.
"Snake, I…" I stop and take a deep breath, which is actually quite difficult considering the state I am. I wince but continue; I have to fight it. "Thank you…For everything." He looks so confused when I say it as if wondering how the hell can I say this when I'm minutes from dying. He's a complicated guy and difficult to figure out, but I'm confident I understand.
"Since I first met you, you've always been there for me. Whenever I was in trouble you just seemed to show up, and it isn't just on the battle field. When Rose left, that day if you hadn't came to me… I don't know what I would have done…"
He gazes down on me sadly. "Probably would have still been alive for a start." he says regretfully.
"Maybe, but I'm positive that where ever I may have ended up, I'd be dead on the inside." Like the feeling of death, I imagine what I'm sayings sounds cliché, but I mean it, every word of it. I said that everything I felt before the Big Shell incident was just a lie but…what about after it? What about the emotions I felt when I tried to force myself to work things out with Rose, those feelings I had –still have- during the time I spent with Snake? Are they lies too?
No.
"It's the truth. Please believe me..." I plead, almost desperately. If I can't make him believe, how can I be sure that anything I say is true?
"Alright, Kid. I believe you." And all of sudden he breaks into a weak smile. "I'm glad that you took up my offer. If you hadn't, I would have…" He trails off, a strange look on his face. Even though it probably means nothing, I really want to hear the end of that sentence, but I know that this is my only chance. I'm trying my hardest to suppress it and thankfully I don't think he realises but right now I'm in more pain that I ever was before. I won't last. It has to be now. Even if he doesn't…I won't die regretting.
Using almost all my strength, I raise my hand and place it on his cheek. I'm not sure of his reaction to this; it's difficult to focus on anything apart from the pain. But I go on. I have to.
"Pl-Please believe… I…I love you…"
Then everything fades away. I'll never know what he said, but I know the last few minutes weren't a lie, and for once, I won't regret…
Authors Notes: Advice on how I can improve and constructive criticism are always welcome. Thank you for reading!