She's Not Tara Anymore
She's not Tara anymore. Nobody wants to say it out loud, but we all know deep down that our Tara is gone. I said that once to Buffy and she slapped me. She said that no matter what, she's still the same Tara inside. I guess that's what she needs to believe. But i know. I don't care what they say.
She's not Tara anymore. And seeing her walk around wearing Tara's clothes and using Tara's name… It makes me sick. I want to hate her, but I can't because I pity her, and because they still believe she's Tara. At least they pretend to for Willow's sake. So do I. But I think deep down we all know…
She's not Tara anymore. Tara is gone. She was taken away from us and replaced with this shell of the woman she used to be. Not even a very good shell; she doesn't remember us. Hell, most of the time she doesn't even remember who she used to be. But I do. And I can say with certainty that she is not Tara.
Tara was crazy smart. I remember when she would stay up with me until 1 in the morning, helping me study Algebra and English. She was amazing at reciting and explaining Shakespeare. Her favorite was A Midsummer Night's Dream. Now she just talks to herself all the time. Last week when I was watching TV, she sat beside me and started smiling and mumbling something. All I caught was "Love isn't smooth…" That was close to part of a line from A Midsummer Night's Dream. I ran out of the room crying and she just sat there, looking at her hands, confused.
Tara was fun. I remember when she would take me out every couple of weeks for a Movie and Milkshake Day. We had the same taste in movies. She used to always make me promise to eat something green and leafy when we got home, even though we both knew I probably wouldn't. Now she just wants to watch cartoons all the time. Not even the good ones. Not that the cartoon quality matters. It's just another reminder that she's gone.
Tara was super creative. She was minoring in Art at UC Sunnydale. I still have this amazing painting on my wall that she did for me for my sixteenth birthday. It's an abstract, this glowing white ball with all these bright colored swirls in it. She said it was a picture of my aura. Now she can't even draw a stick figure. A few days ago, I walked in my room and she was just standing there looking at the painting with her head cocked to the side. When she saw I'd walked in, she looked at me and smiled. She said, "Pretty picture. Pretty energy, like you." Then she walked out and down the hall. I laid down on my bed and cried.
Tara was the nicest person I ever knew. I never heard her say anything mean about anybody ever. Whenever I had to stay home during patrol, she was always the one who volunteered to stay with me. I'd always say I didn't need a babysitter, but honestly I liked spending the night with Tara. We'd watch movies or game shows or something until we fell asleep on the couch. Now she gets really mad sometimes and yells horrible things, usually at Willow or me. Sometimes it makes Willow cry. Tara would never do that, especially to Willow. That's how I know.
Tara was so brave all the time. She even saved me from this vampire this one time. He had just crawled out of his grave and ran at me. She jumped up and smacked him in the face with her purse. He looked confused and then he started chasing her but I hit him with a big rock I found on the ground. When he turned around to glare at me, Tara staked him. Now she cries every night because she's afraid of the dark and she won't stop for hours. She's afraid of lots of other stuff, too, now. Like loud noises, strangers, and surprises. That's how I know.
She's not Tara anymore. Tara is gone. Glory took her away because of me and she's not coming back. Willow has tried everything to get her Tara back. That's how I know Willow knows too. Tara's gone and not coming back ever.
Have you ever seen someone every single day and still missed them so much that you would give up the entire rest of your entire life if you could just see them and tell them you loved them one more time? I wish I could see Tara one more time, but this doppelganger is hiding her. It isn't fair.
She's not Tara anymore. And it's my fault.