Hamlet Abridged-Episode 3: Dial M for Manslaughter
Characters-
Hamlet: Our sexy hero
Claudius: The king of dickbags
Ghost Dad: The Bill Cosby joke has officially gotten old
Gertrude: She ain't scared of no ghost
Polonius: RIP
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: Not gonna die anytime soon
Part 1-
(people in the theater are leaving as Gertrude walks up to Hamlet)
Gertrude: Son, I need to speak with you. Come to my chambers later.
Hamlet: Sure, mom (under his breath) bitch.
(Hamlet walks excitedly to Claudius' room)
Hamlet: {inner monologue: Claudius will be dead, I'll put a sword in his head, I'll piss on his corpse and shan't feel remorse} (stops for a second before walking again) The fuck is wrong with me?
(arrives in Claudius' room)
Hamlet: {inner monologue: finally, I'm going to have my-wait, is he praying? Shit, I can't kill him when he's friggin' praying! C'mon! Do something evil. Say you'll vote for Donald Trump or stomp on a kitten, c'mon anything. Wait, wasn't I supposed to be doing something?}
(cuts to Gertrude sitting impatiently in her room)
Hamlet: {inner monologue: oh, right, I'm SUPPOSED to be killing Claudius but I can't. (sighs) Man, I really am a good person. Seriously, I should treat myself later. Maybe, I'll have the last 3 Jaffa cakes. Wait, Horatio called dibs on those. Maybe I can just leave an IOU, ooh, and put a little heart above the "i" I'm sure he'll like that. I wonder if he likes me?}
(cuts back to Gertude waiting in her room)
Hamlet: {still an inner monologue: I mean, am I being too obvious? I dressed like a slut the other day, oh dear God, I even wore that one top that showed off some of my midriff! Christ, I might as well just wear a shirt that says "I love giant co-}
(cuts back to Gertrude half asleep)
Hamlet: {tired of this inner monologue yet?: (sighs) it feels like he's been so distant lately, probably because of my unhealthy obsession with revenge. That and I've been complaining about my mom-oh, shit, mom! Curses! I've betrayed not only my sense of revenge but my perfect punctuality. Whatever, I'll kill you yet, Claudius.}
(Hamlet leaves as Claudius snaps awake)
Claudius: Huh!? What? Oh, guess I fell asleep. Oh, well time for some kitten stomping.
Part 2-
(Hamlet enters Gertrude's room)
Gertrude: Well, it's about time. Young man, I've been sick and tired of your antics
Hamlet:(annoyed sigh)
Gertude: Now listen, I'm not mad, I'm just disapointed
Hamlet: (very annoyed sigh)
Gertrude: And I think I know the reason. Son, are you gay?
Hamlet: (pissed) Bitch, I might be!
Gertrude: Now how dare-
Hamlet: Mom, I love you, but HOLY SHIT! First of all, you have no idea why I don't even like Claudius. Second, you keep talking like you're old money. And three, you are literally the most one-dimensional character in this play!
Gertrude: No, stop, don't point out my character flaws!
Hamlet: I honestly don't know why feminists defend you! Seriously, you act like you're some poor victim of circumstance. You could of married literally ANYONE else, like Pololinius or Horatio, actually scratch that last one.
Gertrude; Nooo! Enough!
Hamlet: Will you stop yelling, God, you're worse than Polonius with his freaking "Mneh meh meh" thing
Polonius: (pops out from behind the curtain) Hey! It's nyeh heh (is stabbed by Hamlet) heh (falls to the ground)
Hamlet: Hah hah! Got you now Claudius- oh, shit that isn't him. Hey, uh, you ok there, buddy?
Polonius: (please note: these are actually Polonius' dying words from the original works) Oh, I am slain
Hamlet: Really? Is, is, that it? No goodbye to Ophelia or Laertes? Not even gonna do that nyeh heh heh thing? (pause) Nope? Ok. (to Gertrude) Hey, why was he in the curtains?
Gertrude: uuuhh...(voice trails off)
(cuts back to earlier in the room)
Polonius: Hey, mind if I sniff your curtains?
Gertrude: When would I ever agree to that?
Polonius: How 'bout for a nickle?
Gertrude: Go for it
(cuts back)
Gertrude: {inner monologue: shit, he knew that I'd do anything for a nickle. Hell I married Claudius for a nickle.} Hamlet, you just killed Polonius!
Hamlet: Yeah, I guess I did. Welp, I guess we'll need to find another catchphrase machine. Hey, where's Marcellus? He said funny stuff right?
Gertude: For fuck sake, Hamlet!
Hamlet: Look, it was an accident. I can explain everything.
Gertrude: Please do
Hamlet: Dad's ghost showed up and told me to kill Claudius. Thus I began to act crazy and produce a convoluted scheme to prove his guilt
Gertrude: (pause) What?
Hamlet: Look, if dad were here he could-
(enter Ghost Dad)
Hamlet: Oh, hey, look at that
Gertrude: Look at what?
Ghost: Oooooowhat'supmotherfuckersooooo?
Hamlet: Hey, dad
Ghost: Oh, cool, it's you.
Hamlet: Yeah, hey listen, dad, I was wondering if you-
Ghost: Have you killed Claudius?
Hamlet: Oh, no, I'm still working on it.
Ghost; Oh, ok
(long pause)
Gertude: What the fuck is happening?
Hamlet: Hey, I'm trying to talk to ghost dad
Gertude: What do you mean? Bill Cosby isn't even in this room!
Hamlet: (pause) What?
(ghost leaves)
Hamlet: Oh, ah, bye dad! See you later! ha ha, just kidding because you're dead. And I'm not. Godamnit
(Hamlet grabs Polonius' body)
Hamlet: Welp, time to dispose of the body. By the way, mom, since I still have something of a strand of affection for you, I'll recomend that you say away from Claudius from now on. And if you truly do care for me, you'll keep this conversation between us.
Gertrude: Ok
(Hamlet exits with the body of Polonius)
(enter Claudius)
Claudius: Honey, have you seen my kitten stomping boots?
Gertude: Hamlet killed Polonius, saw a ghost, insulted my overall character, and made subtle hints about his obscure sexuality!
Claudius: (pause) Huh, ok, and where is he now?
(cuts to Hamlet singing and digging a shallow grave for Polonius)
Hamlet: (singing the theme for "Different Strokes" while digging) Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right some. A man is born-
(cuts back)
Claudius: Hmm, I see. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern!
(Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern)
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: Ye, boss?
Claudius: Find Hamlet!
(enter Hamlet)
Hamlet: Did someone say my name?
Claudius: Grab Hamlet!
(Rosencrantz and Guildenstern grab Hamlet)
Claudius: Where's the body, Hamlet?
Hamlet: Oh, he's at dinner
Claudius: Oh, well, that's ok. With who?
Hamlet: The worms
Claudius: (pause) What?
Hamlet: Yeah, they're just nom nomming on his body as we speak
Claudius: Hamlet, I-
Hamlet: (singing a modified version of "Knocking on Heaven's Door) Nom nom nomming, nom nom nomming on Poloniuuus!
Claudius: (long pause) Hamlet, we're sending you to England. Maybe some time surrounded by classier people with silly accents will change you're attitude
Hamlet: Heh, sure, it isn't like I have a choice in the matter. I just wanna know how you found out about this so fast
Gertrude: Heyo
Hamlet: Mom! You suck!
(Rosencrantz and Guildenstern take Hamlet away)
Claudius: (sighs) Fuck my life