It was the thing that haunted her most often. That one conversation out of hundreds. How different could things have been if that had gone differently.
She curled up with another glass of wine and stared off into nothing, the apartment was silent and everything was calm. This was the worst time for her. when she was left alone to think.
It was always that conversation that reared its head up first.
/\\/\\/\\/\\
"Listen about what I said yesterday…" he started, standing in front of her desk. Their phone conversation the day before flashed into her mind.
"Will, please." She took a deep breath and played it cool "I'm on the phone with my kids and I say I love you and then I'm on the phone with my mother in law and I say I love you too. It's an accident." She tried to convince him just as much as herself.
"Yes. But do you think we should talk about it?" he asked and her heart nearly broke. Here he was Mr Georgetown asking her should they have the talk. Something he'd probably never done in his life.
"No I don't actually" she knew it was the panic talking now. There couldn't be more to this than the sex, she couldn't admit she was feeling more here. That she was falling in love with a man that wasn't her husband.
"You don't?" his surprise showed her how convincing she'd been.
"No"
"You sure?" she smiled wider thought there was tears threatening to escape.
"I'm so sure. I've never been so sure." She forced it out, now impressing herself with her exterior.
"I'm not interested in anyone else." He said simply and her heart definitely skipped a beat.
"Will…" she started and found her throat tightening. "…you're talking about it" she whispered. A million thoughts flying through her head.
"No fuss, no muss." He said making to leave. His grin was the one she only saw when they were alone, away from work. His up all night cramming for a test face. The one she was terrified to admit…she loved.
"That's me"
/\\/\\/\\/\\/\\
She put down the empty glass and rubbed her forehead.
That was the moment she would change if she could. Out of everything that had gone wrong over the past number of years. That was the instance she'd change.
"Listen about what I said yesterday…"
"Listen about what I said yesterday…" he started, standing in front of her desk. Their phone conversation the day before flashed into her mind.
"Will, please." She took a deep breath and played it cool "I'm on the phone with my kids and I say I love you and then I'm on the phone with my mother in law and I say I love you too. It's an accident." She tried to convince him just as much as herself.
"Yes. But do you think we should talk about it?" he asked and her heart nearly broke.
"Do you want to talk about it?" she said cautiously. His face turned stern for a second before he pulled out a chair.
"Yes. I think I do." He nodded. She sat up properly her heart racing. "I'm not interested in anyone else." He said simply. Like he'd been practicing.
"Right…." She said, finding herself unable to create any other words.
"I know it sounds ridiculous, you're married and this hasn't been…" he sighed. "…this hasn't been happening for that long."
"I'm not either." She blurted out and he paused.
"eh…"
"Interested in other people." She clarified.
A sloppy grin crept across his face, one that she usually only saw between the sheets.
"Really?"
"I know I'm slow to… say things." She flinched internally, half of her still raging against this behaviour. "But. It's you."
That's how she would play it if she could just have one more chance. She'd tell him there and then and everything would have been different.
"Me." He grinned wider. "You're sure."
"Afraid so Gardner." She grinned.
"Glad to hear it." he stood up. "Very glad to hear it."
She just laughed lightly. They could worry about the rest later.
"Good Talk Cavanaugh. We should continue it at dinner tonight." He said walking towards the door.
"Sounds good." She replied. He was almost gone when she called out. "Will!" his head appeared around the door. "Love you."
She could see his beaming smile in her mind. How happy those two words from her would have made him. How happy they could have made them both if she'd just been brave enough to say them at that time. In that moment.
So many years ago.
Where would they even be now if she had! Would she be lying in his arms instead of alone on the couch with an empty wine bottle?
Would she be a partner with him and Diane or would she have needed to go out on her own anyway.
Would Peter be a distant memory?
Would she have actually been happy? And not this miserable mess she'd become.
A tear landed silently in the empty glass she was holding. She put it down on the floor and curled her arms around herself, sinking into the couch letting herself cry.
What good could this imagining do.
He was dead.