Warning: Yaoi

Dedicated to the lovely, gorgeous Superabbit. Happy Birthday!

An: If anyone who's reading this really likes the pairing, please, please, please write some. there's not nearly enough on this site. I'd really appreciate it. anyway, enjoy.

The Lovesick Ramblings of Hisagi Shuuhei

Diary,

It's been really boring around here lately. There's absolutely nothing huge going on at all…I've even done all my paperwork! All of it! Of course, it's quite nice to get some time to myself to sit and do nothing but it's been like this for a week now! The only thing I've got to keep me entertained is writing in you and Renji-watching.

Ooh, speaking of Renji watching, I saw him shirtless today! Why he was shirtless I have no idea, but I'm not complaining…mmm, Renji shirtless…mmm Renji naked…Wait, no not going there. Damn, I can't get the images out of my head. I wish I could do something about this. I mean, it's alright having dirty thoughts about a guy if he's your boyfriend; it's another if he's one of your best friends. Right now I just feel like a pervert. Well, I guess I am kinda, but still…I want a boyfriend! More specifically I want Renji! God, how long have I been in love with him diary?

Oh yeah, I forget you don't write back. Must be about six months now…erg, why does life suck so much? You know, these last few days have been so boring I don't even have anything else to say to you. Renji being shirtless was the most exciting thing that's happened around here. So I'll leave you with the image of a half-nude Renji. And I'll sit here and mourn my inappropriate love for him. Sigh, I want him! (Why did I write sigh when I sighed? Methinks the boredoms affecting my sanity…)

Shuuhei.

I shut my diary with a real sigh and fiddled with a few loose pages. I really was bored beyond imagination. I'd come out here to write in my diary. I normally don't get disturbed down here. It's quite pretty, it's got trees, it's got sunshine and it's got a river. But most people that do come down here generally sit further along, where the rivers calmer. Where I sit, the river is full of rocks, so instead of the water flowing gently along, it crashes and swirls wildly. I like it; I like the sound of the water splashing against the boulders. But despite this being my favourite spot, I really am bored. It's not just me either, the rest of the Shinigami are just as bored as me. I'm seriously hoping this is the calm before the storm and we're suddenly going to have some big evil on our hands. But until then, I'm stuck sitting by a river writing about Renji in my diary. I don't let anyone know I've got a diary; the guys would take the piss out of me so much. But I like to keep a diary. I always have done. Even though I don't remember much of my mortal life, I have flashing memories of me holding a journal and so I've never stopped writing in one. This one I like in particular, I bought it back in the real world last time I went. It's white and it's got guitars on and stuff.

I sighed again before leaning back against the tree I was sitting under. I opened my diary once more and doodled in the margins. I drew a love heart and wrote mine and Renji's name inside. Jesus, I'm such a girl. I hate feeling like this. I've never been in love before, but so far I don't like it. I guess, it's probably better if the person you're in love with loves you back….

"Hey, Shuuhei! You down here?" Speak of the devil. Renji was heading towards me, looking pissed off. As quickly as I could, I shoved the diary into a patch of leaves and stood to greet my secret crush.

"Renji?" I called back. Renji smiled when he saw, and my heart literally flipped in my chest. He's so much cuter when he smiles.

"There you are! I've been looking everywhere for you!" he replied. I blushed for no other reason than the fact he'd been looking for me.

"Really? Why?" I questioned trying to fight the blush away. I think he could tell something was up with me though, because he gave me a strange look. Thankfully, he didn't call me on it.

"I'm bored. Do something with me." He whined. I smiled slightly at the pout on his face.

"Sure." I replied and the next thing I knew he was dragging me off somewhere.

"Shit, where is it?" I yelled tearing up my room as I did so. I'd lost my diary! I spent half my morning looking for it but it's not here! Damn. I was close to tears. Shameful, I know it's only a book…but I've grown attached to it. I need my diary.

Suddenly there was a knock on my door, I shouted for the person to come in and continued demolishing my room.

"Shuuhei, are you alright? I heard shouting." I turned to see Kira standing there looking slightly concerned. Well, in all fairness, I don't think many people have seen me lose my cool like this.

"No, I lost my d…something." I answered blushing. Kira looked at me curiously.

"When did you lose it?" he asked me.

"I don't know, I had it yesterday by the river…" and that's when I remembered… I hadn't picked it up when I left with Renji. I ran from the room calling a quick thank you back to a confused Kira, before making my way down to the river.

I finally reached the tree where I'd been yesterday, but to my surprise someone was already sitting in my spot. The trees shadow was shrouding the man's identity so I drew closer to see who it was. No one ever comes here but me. Well, admittedly sometimes I'm joined by…Renji…it was him, sitting there in the half-sun looking as gorgeous as always, reading….my diary. What?

"Renji?" I alerted him to my appearance. "What are you doing?" As soon as I spoke he leapt up and stared at me wide-eyed, my diary hanging from his hand.

"Shuuhei…Erm... I er..."

"You read my diary!" I shouted at him, not really caring much that he was the object of my very strong affection; no one has a right to read my diary! Yet again, I'm such a girl…wait, more important things going on. "How much did you read?" he was still staring at me dumb-struck. "Well?" I demanded.

"Just the last few entries." He squeaked out, not meeting my eyes. My last few entries…so he must have read….ah shit. I stared at him in shock. We remained in a stalemate; both of us staring at each other, equally stunned expressions on our faces, not knowing how to proceed from here. I knew Renji knew I liked him and Renji knew he shouldn't have been reading my diary. Neither of us wished to incriminate ourselves further and neither of us wished to face the consequences of what's just happened. Eventually, I came to my senses and realised that Renji was still holding my beloved diary. I lunged forward, I guess I must have taken him by surprise or maybe he just thought I was going to attack him…or rape him whatever, but as soon as I tried to grab my diary he took a huge jump backwards, and as if everything had just slowed down, both Renji and the diary fell into the river. Renji was under for about ten seconds before he swam back to the bank, an almost comical expression of surprise on his face. However, I wasn't focussed on him; I was watching my diary as it slowly drifted down shore…to where the rocks were. And then I watched as my diary was slowly thrown against the rocks. Pages were everywhere, the book itself broken clean in two. I was frozen. All those pages and all those memories just gone.

"Shuuhei, I…" I turned to see a sopping wet Renji standing next to me, for a second, I stopped and appreciated the fact that he looked at least ten times sexier with his wet hair clinging to his bare wet chest, before I snapped back to the present situation.

"Look, what you've done!" I shouted at him. He looked taken aback. Never in the history of our friendship had I ever raised my voice to him. "How dare you think it ok to read my diary?!" I screeched at him.

"I…I'm sorry…I didn't realise what it was at first and then when I did…I just…Shuuhei what you said about me…" Renji stuttered out. And right then I didn't care if he knew how I felt about him, all I saw was red.

"You have no right whatsoever to do that! And now look, it's gone! You fucking dropped it in the river and now my diary is gone! You bast…."

"Hey, that was not my fault! You were the one that lunged at me!" Renji shouted back.

"I was trying to get it back!"

"How would I have known that? Jeez, Shuuhei it's just a diary!" I glared at him.

"It was not just a diary! That diary was from the real world! Now I have to wait to get a mission there to get another one!" I ranted at him, hysterical now.

"Shuuhei, look…" Renji tried to speak calmly again.

"You know, I have no idea what I saw in you before...I hate you" I screamed and turned and left.

It's been a few days now since I last spoke to Renji. Now, I've calmed now, I think I might have been a bit unreasonable to him. I mean, I guess it is human nature to be curious about someone's diary, most people would want to know what other people are hiding…but he's supposed to be a friend, and he should have just returned it to me as soon as he found it. But I probably shouldn't have been so hard on him…but then again maybe I should.

I need my diary. I have no one to confide in and I can't bring myself to buy another one. I want one just like the old one. Though, I guess it's childish of me to assume that I can get exactly what I want, eventually I'll have to settle for a different one.

I still love him. No matter how pissed I am at him, I'm still desperately, pathetically in love with the arsehole. That's another thing; I probably should talk to him about that. But he might not want to. In fact, I think this little incident has probably ruined our friendship forever. He can't possibly want to still be friends with me knowing that I'm in love with him. It probably really freaked him out. Besides which, I'm not exactly making the effort to rekindle our friendship.

I haven't gone back down to the river yet either. I think that spot has officially been ruined for me now. I suppose I'll need to find another one. I slumped further at my desk. There was still nothing going on and I'd finished the little bit of paperwork I had to do half an hour ago. And now I was bored. I resorted to hitting my head repeatedly on the desk. Hey, maybe if I do it long enough I'll pass out. That'll be interesting.

"That can't be good for your head." A voice spoke up from the doorway. I froze mid-hit and turned to see Renji standing there looking sheepish.

"Hi." I stated dumbly vaguely embarrassed having realised how stupid I must have looked as well as noting the dim pain in my head. "What can I do for you?" I asked overly cheerily standing up. The room suddenly turned fuzzy and I slumped back down in my chair with a mumbled "Whoa, dizzy."

"That's what you get for hitting yourself on your desk. Are you okay? Do you want an ice-pack or something?" Renji asked coming to my side and checking my head for bumps. The room came back into focus and I sat up straight.

"No, I'm alright now. Won't be doing that again any time soon." I smiled weakly at Renji and waited for him to continue.

"Anyway, I just wanted to apologise for what happened and to give you this." He said staring at the floor, as he put a rectangular shaped gift on my desk. I smiled in spite of myself. It was sweet of him to give me a present to make up for it plus if he was willing to give me something, it most likely meant that he didn't hate me for what he read in the diary.

"Thanks" I mumbled politely and reached forward to grab the present. I tore open the wrapping paper and a little white book with guitars and stuff on it fell into my lap. It was a brand new empty diary just like the one I had before. I stared at it. "Renji…" I murmured awestruck at the thoughtful gift.

"I'm really sorry for ruining your other one and I'm sorry for reading it. I didn't know what it was when I started and then when I realised what it was I just had to keep on reading. Not that I wanted to pry or anything but you were writing about me and the things you wrote about me…" I opened my mouth at that point about to tell Renji that he needn't worry about what he read that he should pretend he didn't see it but he carried on before I had a chance to interrupt. "It was just really hard to believe, I mean never in a million years did I think you'd love me back." He froze as if suddenly unsure. I waited patiently for him to continue…wait, let's backtrack a minute…. 'Love me back?' And all in an instance everything just made sense.

I stood up from my seat and walked towards him. He watched me coming almost uncertainly as I came to stand in front of him. He looked at me and I looked at him, and then as if some silent decision had been made, we both leant forward, our lips closed the gap between us. I felt Renji smile against my lips and once again, heart literally flipped over. I ran my hands through his hair before pulling him into a deeper kiss, leading him to winds his arms around my waist and pull our bodies together. The kiss deepened and steadily became more passionate as it went on until eventually we were forced to pull apart. Renji looked down at me grinning and I laughed lightly whilst trying to catch my breath.

"I love you…" Renji breathed, moving a hand to play with my hair.

"Love you too." I whispered back before bringing him into another kiss. And I knew from that moment on Renji, my diary and I would live happily ever after…wait, that's so sappy. I really am a girl, aren't I? Ah well, who cares. I got a new diary and I got a sexy new boyfriend who is currently kissing me senseless. What more could I ask for?