Author's Note: Ugh. Fanfiction's being a pain in the ass right now... Where was I?

Okay, so I've been listening to a lot of the griping about Series VII, and the consensus is that it failed for many reasons, the biggest one being the lack of Rimmer. So I've taken the liberty of giving Rimmer's some scenes in "Ouroboros", and just wrote what came naturally.

It's not lead into gold, but it did what I tried to do.

Enjoy.

It was a complex situation, and quite frankly, Rimmer didn't know quite what to make of it.

They had stumbled upon a Linkway to a parallel dimension. They'd dived straight into it and somehow their cargo bay had developed a great big blue swirly tunnel.

Naturally, they'd ventured through it (it was about as stable as the sets from Babylon 5), and they'd encountered a parallel version of themselves.

Well, almost.

Lister was a hologram, Cat had a strange new accent and Kryten had a gold body.

Also, he wasn't there.

And Kochanski was.

The only thing that saved the moment for Rimmer was the fact that in this, the most important moment in Lister's life, he was wearing a frilly pink nightgown with dental floss glued into his mouth.

But then some GELFs randomly appeared, apparently having chased after Lister so that he would return to his bride from a year before. Kochanski ended up on the wrong side of the Linkway and now was stuck with them.

Rimmer was very divided on the situation. On the one hand, she was his superior officer and outranked him, and she'd tried pulling rank on him a handful of times. It annoyed him.

Then again, he knew for a fact that even though he'd technically been the highest-ranking crewmember beforehand, he'd never had that much authority of the others anyway, so what was the point in griping? If she tried that again, well, she was barking up the wrong tree.

He also was forced to admit she'd been most helpful in disposing of the GELFs, and he grudgingly had to admit that her navigation skills were superb (although he could've done without her breathing down his neck as she pressed buttons for him).

But there was one other problem he had with her: she was a bit of a bitch.

They save her life, and she becomes this angry little tart.

But he couldn't help but be silently amused by Kryten, who was suddenly turning into Lister's mother, fretting that he would like Kochanski more than him. Ironic because Lister had liked Kochanski more than all three of them long before she'd even arrived.

He was just leaving the cockpit when he passed into Mid Ships and spied Kochanski hard at work at one of her computer consoles at the table.

She didn't even look up at him when she asked, "Did you lay down the S-S Line?"

"Mmm-hmmm," Rimmer replied half-heartedly, passing by her and heading for the galley.

She glared up at him. "What was that?" she asked in a threatening tone.

Oh, she was pulling rank again. What a bore.

"I said, mmm-hmmm, ma'am," he replied, glaring back at her as he headed for the cupboards.

"What are you doing?" she continued, looking back at the screens.

"Making myself a cup of tea, ma'am," he replied, getting his cup down and heading for the kettle.

"You're a hologram. You don't drink tea."

Rimmer acted as if she hadn't spoken. He simply carried on preparing the kettle.

"You're wasting supplies."

"I'm making tea."

"You're not a living being. You don't need tea."

"I'm thirsty."

"That's just your programming. You shouldn't have tea. The rest of us need the supplies more than you do."

"It's never stopped me before."

She finally looked at him again with a glare that could've frozen the water supply.

"Mr Rimmer, I am ordering you to stop making tea," she said firmly.

But Rimmer just smirked in her direction and put the kettle on, turning on the stove. "I don't recognize your authority, Miss Kochanski," he said, grinning a very weasely grin.

At this, Kochanski stood up and walked sternly over to him. "Do you want me to court-martial you?"

It was in this moment that Rimmer realized just what a prat he had really been back in the old days. He couldn't help but feel a rush of excitement as he said what he said next.

"Court-martial me to whom?"

She narrowed her eyes at him, looking like she deciding what to say, before she finally let out an angry growl and turned away, stalking back to the computers. "I can't wait to be out of here!" she snapped.

Rimmer's head dipped in triumph as he waited for the kettle to boil.

Later that day, he was heading down the corridor to the sleeping quarters. He was going to do some reading when he heard raised voices coming from Lister's quarters. Curious, he headed in that direction, and he was rather surprised when he had to dive out of the way of a weeping mechanoid.

"Oh, excuse me, Mr Rimmer, sir!" Kryten wailed, scurrying past him and vanishing around the corner.

Staring in confusion, Rimmer looked back at Lister's quarters, and once convinced no one was going to bowl him over again, he continued inside and saw some barely touched laundry on an ironing board, a discarded laundry basket and Lister sitting on his surprisingly messy bunk.

Well, not that surprising, but given that Kryten had just been here…

Feeling his smarmy grin spread-eagling across his face, he put his hands behind his back and strolled casually inside.

"Ah, Listy, I trust you're enjoying yourself now that your little woman had come back into your life," he said in a very patronizing voice.

"Yeah, it's alright, I suppose," Lister said quietly, looking very far away.

Rimmer grinned. He'd been waiting for this moment for a long time.

"Why Listy, do I detect a hint of discontent?"

Lister finally scowled. "Smeg off, Rimmer," he groaned, twisting and lying down on the bunk.

"You're not jealous, are you?"

"Smeg off, Rimmer!"

Ah, there's the magic spot.

"But Listy, how can you be jealous? After all, you'd only be jealous of yourself!"

"Rimmer, he's not me! I'm me! He's a me who got a lucky break that I didn't!"

Rimmer was loving this. "I'd think that you'd be pleased that somewhere, in some other dimension, another you is doing really well. I figure this other you must really deserve it.

"Oh please!" Lister snapped, crossing his arms defensively. "This Lister probably knits little lace doilies in his spare time! He probably drinks wine! I bet he sips it!"

Rimmer grinned, going in for the kill.

"I bet he eats kippers."

"Probably…"

"I bet he likes them smoked."

"Most likely!"

"And then the smug git probably wants them for breakfast!"

"Yeah!"

Rimmer waited, and watched with admiration as Lister finally realized the direction this conversation had taken. When he did, it was like watching a building collapse.

"Smeg…," Lister groaned, rubbing his eyes tiredly.

"I'm afraid so, Listy," Rimmer said, in a voice that was either sympathetic or mocking (probably both). "Just as I hated Ace Rimmer for having what I wanted, courage, career, friends, you despise Ace Lister for having Kochanski."

Lister looked like he was still up for putting up a fight. "It's not fair! Why'd he get the lucky break?" he demanded.

Rimmer stared at him incredulously. "Lucky break?" he repeated. "Lister, he's dead! You call that a lucky break?"

Lister seemed to register how hollow that sounded and sat up so he could rub his eyes more thoroughly.

"I thought I could live with the idea of another me getting her, alright?" he moaned. "I just can't bear to see her with him! What do I do?"

Rimmer snorted indifferently. "What can you do? It's not like she's staying. She's already at work trying to get the Linkway back."

"Damn…"

Rimmer sighed, deciding he'd had his fun and tried to give consolation instead.

"Look, Listy, it's not big deal. So what if this version of Kochanski doesn't like you? Who knows? Maybe we'll find another version of her who does like you curry stain and you lack of hygiene and your horrible guitar skills and your bubble gum experiments…"

"Rimmer…," Lister said in a warning tone.

Rimmer realized he wasn't very good at this.

"Right, I'll just…go then."

And he did indeed turn to go, but Lister could've sworn he heard him muttering, "I wonder if she'll take me with her."

He rolled his eyes and set about cleaning up the mess.