A/N: I promise to God this was just for some fun. xD My friend and I were chatting on AIM and thought it would be hilarious for something like this to happen...so...here it is!

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Lana, Lex, Clark, or Smallville...or Superman, for that matter. xD So...DON'T SUE!

WARNING!: All of the characters out...well...out of character. xD No one is normal, and that's because I'm the damn writer and I do what I want!

"Lex…you're keeping SECRETS!" Lana's brown eyes flare at him, her fists clenched at her sides.

The bald man shakes his head at her, barely resisting the urge to roll his eyes. "It's a door, Lana; what is it with you women disliking locked doors?"

"Another woman has seen this locked door?!"

"She, uh…saw what was in there…" he winces slightly, hating the fact that he can't resist always telling her the truth.

"SHE SAW WHAT'S IN THERE?! And yet! You refuse to show ME what's in there?! I thought you said you loved me!"

"I-I do love you, Lana…it's just…I'm afraid of what you'll think of me if I open that door."

"TELL ME YOUR SECRETS!"

Scrambling slightly to please the fierce girl, he unlocks the door and pushes it open. "There…now you know everything…"

"I WAN--" she pauses, her eyes widening as she finally sees what's behind the closed door "Lex…uh…wow, um…do you have…something you want to tell me?"

He shifts awkwardly, looking anywhere but at her.

"I'm just going to…" she trails off before, stumbling slightly, she starts to flee his castle.

Lex spares a glance at something inside the room before pulling a gun out of the back of his pants, a crazed gleam in his eyes "She knows too much…I have to kill her."

Lana hears Lex's heavy footfalls right behind her, and yet she can't seem to make herself run any faster; it hits her, tearing through her flesh as she falls, lifelessly, to the ground. She didn't even have a chance to call out for help.

Lex sighs heavily before he heads back to the room, intent on gazing fondly at his posters. However, when he gets there, he finds his favorite, also the largest, is missing. "No! Who the Hell stole it?" He goes back into the hallway.

Suddenly, Clark stumbles into him, swiftly hiding the stolen poster behind his back.

"OH! C-Clark!"

"L-L-Lex! I…uh…didn't see you there," he shifts from side to side, watching Lex's shoes.

"So, uh…why're you here…THIS time, Clark?"

"To…tell you…uhm…"

A small bubble of hope grows in Lex's chest at Clark's words "Yes?"

"That…you…have very nice shoes!" he blushes softly. "Now, uh…I should go home so I can, uh…stare at…a new poster I got!"

Lex frowns "That's…really not a very well thought-out plan, Clark…I don't believe you…"

Clark, in a last ditch effort, grabs Lex by the front of the shirt and kisses him deeply. However, his eyes widen as he starts to shake, arms wrapping around his stomach, as he falls to his knees. "Lex…what…?"

"I, uh…had Kryptonite lipstick made, Clark; I thought you'd realize that…"

Clark blinks; it certainly explained Lex's bright green and glowing lips. However, that's the last thought that passes through his head before he falls unconscious.

"God, if it wasn't for your powers you would've been Darwined out of existence long ago…good thing you're pretty." He grabs Clark and drags him down into his basement, tossing him gently into a cage. He then kneels down beside him, running a soft hand through Clark's hair "Don't you worry…I'm going to take good care of you," and he smiles sweetly before stepping out, locking the cage door, and setting a few pieces of Kryptonite on the table beside the cage.

A/N2: You go ahead and flame all you want. xD I know it's terrible!