Not a good day for Relena
Authors: Jessie H. and Jessie T.
rating: pg-13(language, violence, sexual content)
humor
A/N: JH: this stupid, immoral fic is based on our Instant Message that got a little out of hand:)
JT: *sigh* everything gets out of hand with us, doesn't it?
JH: seems that way
JT: anyway, on with the show!
JH: enjoy:)
Disclaimer: we don't own anything, so don't sue us. thanx!
WARNING!!!: major Relena bashing, yaoi(1x2, 2x1 3x4,4x3) not for Relena fans, or anti-yaois
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Not a good day for Relena
The g-boys are sitting in the large living room of one of the Winner mansions. Heero and Duo are playing Battleships(tm) on the floor. Trowa is reading a book, and Quatre is rearranging his collection of stuffed animals. Wufei is outside practicing karate.
Wufei:* walks in dripping with sweat* Winner! why are you playing with those weak toys?!?
Quatre:*frowns* Wufei, you are getting sweat all over my beautiful Persian rug! these arent toys, and I'm not playing with them.
Wufei: *sneers* you are a weak onna.
Quatre:*grins, and sorts through animals, pulling out a panda*
Wufei:*eyes water* lookie at the cutie panda wanda!!!^-^
*grabs panda and runs away*
Quatre:*sigh*-_-; there goes another stuffed animal. Last time it was a lion *glares over at Trowa*
Trowa: *sensing Quatre's stare* Whaaaaaaaaaaaat????? It was toooo cuuuuuuute!
Minna:O_o;
Duo: damnit, Heero, you jerk, you sunk my last battleship!
Heero:*snicker* your tactical skills suck
Duo:they do not!
Heero: they do, too!
they go on and on for 5 minutes. Duo gets Heero in a headlock and they wrestle
Trowa:*throws book down and looks at the boys* WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP ALREADY!?!?!?!?
Minna:O_O;*stares, Duo and Heero freeze in mid-tumble*
Quatre:hehe I didn't know you had it in you, Trowa!
Trowa: *blinks* neither did I
Heero:*unfreezes and tackles Duo*
Duo: hey, no fair!*pinned under Heero* get off!
Heero: *sits calmly on Duo* I don't feel like it
Duo: *gasps for air* you're heavier then you look, ya know
Quatre: I'd get off, Heero, if I were you. Trowa's getting mad
Heero: well, you're not me, and why should I? I'm comfortable.
Duo:O_o say what?
Trowa: *becomes calm again* I don't care, as long as Duo stops whining
Duo: c'mon, Heero-chan! get offmhphm......!
Heero: *pulls one of Duo's socks off and stuffs it in his mouth*
after much thrashing and flailing, Heero finally gets off
Heero: fine, no massage for you tonight.
Minna:O_O;;;;;
Duo: aw, Hee-chan come off it! what was I supposed to do, you were sitting on me and I couldn't breathe!
Heero: your point?
Duo: *mumbles curses*
Quatre: Duo!
Duo: whaaat? I'm pissed!
Quatre: but your foul language is damaging my innocent ears*covers ears protectively*
Wufei:*walks in* I'm bored. Maxwell, what do you want to do?
Duo: *looks at Wufei in astonishment* you're asking ME?
Wufei: well, your name IS Maxwell.....I would ask Winner, but he'd probably make us dress up in tu-tu's and dance with those infernal 'stuffed animals'
Quatre: I would not! I'd......uh, let you wear a blue tu-tu
Wufei: and that is why I have chosen Maxwell
Duo:*smiles* I'm special!
Heero:*socks Duo* answer Wufei's question, Duo......
Duo: itai! uh, read really funny fanfics about us on Fanfiction.net...?
Minna: how about.....not
Quatre: *sigh* we did that LAST night
Duo: *grin* I knew that...... how about, killing Relena?
Wufei: well, it sounds appealing
Quatre: maybe, as long as we don't make a mess...
Trowa: Woo hoo! I'm in!
minna: O_o;
Heero: mission: accepted with great enthusiasm
the boys pull out their artillery, and Duo pulls out a device that looks like a Dragon Ball Finder
minna: Duo, what's that?
Duo: *grins* a cheap Peacecraft Detector!
minna: O_O Duo!
Duo: what? I've wanted to do this for a while. she keeps giving Heero nightmares. *whispers* she stalks him....
Heero*shifts uncomfortably*
Trowa: *cough, cough*
Quatre: well, maybe she has nothing else to do
Dou: no, because she thinks he's a hot stud that will serve her every hentai wish. and I'm just putting it nicely
Quatre: *blushes*
Wufei: *nosebleed*
Duo: aaaand he doesn't dig chicks
Trowa: how do you know?
Duo: *takes a deep breath* because....he's the gayest male on the face of the earth, and we make wild monkey butt love every night for hours
Wufei: drops unconsious to the floor because of a massive blood loss
Quatre: *clamps hands over ears, and his whole face is red*
Trowa:* holds kleenex to his nose*
Heero: Duo....baka*head falls onto the coffee table* owwww.....
Duo: oops...did I say that outloud? hehe, well, it's not like Trowa and Quatre aren't flaming homosexuals
Trowa:O_O cough, where'd you get THAT idea?
Quatre: *blushes*
Duo: well, I accidentally walked in on you two in the shower washing each others' hair
Quatre and Trowa: //_O; O_O;
Heero: so THAT'S where all of the Herbal Essence went-_-
Wufei: *the pool of blood has expanded at that last comment*
Duo: ewwww.....Wu-Man! you're getting blood all over my new sneakers!
Wufei: oooooh, I just had a vision of Quatre and Trowa in the shower....OW!
Quatre: oops... I didn't mean to kick him so hard
Wufei: *kicked unconsious*
Duo: *turns on Peacecraft Detector* well, Relena is...Some where in the radius of 2 miles from here.
Heero: in which direction?
Duo: doesn't say
Heero: well, that's not much help...*turns on laptop and starts typing*
Duo: like I said, it was cheap^_*
10 min. later...
Heero: there. she is at...Hooters(O_O;) working the evening shift.
Duo: how can she work at Hooters? aren't there, uh, requirements for working there?
Heero: guess they cut a little(ahem, alotta) slack for the Queen of the World. well, *picks Wufei up and throws him over his shoulder* let's go hunt down the bitch.
1 hr later, outside of Hooters, in Quatre's pink mini-van, which says "I'm a Winner, gotta love me" on the side:
Duo: how about we go in, enjoy a meal, bring her out here to the...uh, van, and blow her brains out!^_^
Quatre: yeah, but how will we get Relena out here?
Wufei: *now consious* we do have Yuy with us.....
Heero: *catches on* no, no, no
Duo: aw, come on! it's part of the 'mission'. I promise I won't be jealous^-^
Heero: nothing will make me pretend to seduce RELENA!.....except...
Duo: except......Homemade Duo Maxwell Oatmeal Cream Pies!(a/n if you don't get the joke, don't worry about it^-^)
Heero: yeah.....*salivates*(a/n for you people who don't know what that is, we'll just say it's the equivalent of 'slobers')
Minna:O_o; uh oh.
the G-boys walk into Hooters and pick a table. As if by chance, Relena walks over to them, wearing a tight shirt that showed just how small her chest really was.
Relena: welcome to Hooters.*authomatically leans over*I will be your waitress, my name is Queen Relena and you must all bow down to ME!!! how may I help...HHHHHHHEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Heero: *deep sigh* time to put this plan in motion.
Duo:*snicker* this should be interesting
Relena: *starry eyed* my prince! you've come to whisk me away to heaven!
Heero:*mutters* that's the general idea...
Relena: I knew you loved me!
Heero:*rolls eyes* think what you want to think, but I.....!O_O
Relena: *leans over table and plants one on Heero*
Heero: *totally digusted, senses Duo's anger rising, and desperately searches for a barf bag*
Relena: *eyes fly open, and spy the other guys*
Relena: oh. hi.
Minna:hn.
Heero:*stunned*
Duo:*seeing red*
Trowa: *silence, cough cough*
Quatre:*covers eyes*_
Wufei: *whipes away small trickle of blood from nose*
Relena: *whispers in Heero's ear* lets ditch 'em and find some place to make out^_*
Heero:*gags* uh, hold on. meet you outside*runs over to bathroom with Duo hot on his tail*
Trowa: excuse us, too*pulls Quatre and Wufei behind him*
In the bathroom:
Heero: *hunched over the toilet*
Duo: your'e ok, just breathe deeply*rubs Heero's back*
Heero:*throws up his lunch* ugh...Relena KISSED me!
Duo:well, it coulda been worse, she coulda used her tongue...
Heero:*leans over the toilet and throws up again*Duo...you didn't have to mention that...
Duo^_^ sorry, buddy. you feel better now?
Heero:let's go kill the bitch
Duo:*grins* I'll take that as a 'yes'
Wufei: are you finished hugging the porcelain, Yuy?
Quatre: Wufei, be nice!
Wufei: I can't, it's not my nature!
Trowa: good grief...
Duo: are we gonna go carry out the mission?
minna: yeah!
In the parking lot, Relena is eying the wierd pink van that has "I'm a Winner, gotta love me" written on the side.
Relena: hmmm, that name looks familiar...
just then, Heero comes out, while the other guys hide behind
the, uh, van.
minna:*loads guns and sharpen weapons* we're ready...
Quatre: go do your thing, Heero
Heero: but......I don't want to! she *scares* me
Trowa: you're afraid of a little girl?
Heero:*turns on Trowa* she is NOT a little girl! she's a demon sent by Shinigami!
Duo: no she isn't! my demons are more intelligent and prettier!
Trowa: Duo, he meant the REAL Shinigami.
Duo: I AM the real Shinigami!
minna: riiiiiight.....
Heero: fine. I'll do it. *walks out from behind the van*
Relena:*finally spies Heero* there you are, my nut bunny!
Heero: don't touch me you...what did you call me?!?
Relena: my nut bunny!^-^
Heero:O_O;*cough, sputter, gasp, gag, blink, stare*
Relena: it's my pet name for you!
Heero: you.....sycopathic, skitsofrentic, pacifistic moron!
Relena: oh, Heero! I just love it when you talk dirty to me!
someone snickers from behind the van
Wufei: she is as weak and as stupid as they come
Trowa: I wonder what Heero's thinking...
Duo:*snicker* probably 'oh my God, she is a dumbass'
Heero: OMG, Relena. you are a dumbass
Duo:*grins* I have ESP!^-^
Relena: and your pet name for me can be...
Heero: dead as a doornail
Relena:*blinks* that really doesn't go with my outfit...
Heero: how about...stalker?
Relena: eh...no
Heero: then how about obsessive compulsive?
Relena: what does THAT mean?!?
Heero: *sigh* never mind...
Trowa:*whispers* it's perfect for her
Wufei: baka onna
Relena*shrugs* whatever. let's get it on, nut bunny!
Heero: O_O;;;;*panics* get away from me, psyco!
Duo:*jumps out form behind van* you heard him, Bitchcraft! get away from MY man!
Quatre: look at the steam coming out of Duo's ears!
Relena: what do you mean, 'your man'?1. Heero is not gay 2. he belongs to me!
Duo: I don't think so, you flat chested slut!
Relena: *gasps*
Duo: *points knife at Relena* die, Peacecraft!
Relena: uh oh, Heeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooooooo save meeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!
Heero: *whistles a funeral march* in your dreams, freak
Duo: *lunges at Relena* meet your maker!
Relena: aaaaaaaaaaah!....ouch!
Duo: *stabs Relena in the chest*ewwww, what did I hit?
Relena: my implants! you bastard!
minna: *blinks*
Quatre: well, I can see that surgery did NOTHING for her...
Wufei: someone got a kleenex?
Trowa: here, Wufei*hands him a tissue*
Wufei: thanks, Barton
Quatre: she is flatter than my youngest niece!
Trowa: and how old is your youngest niece?
Quatre: nine
Trowa:O_o;
Heero: she is sooo unattractive....even I can see that....and I'm gay
Relena: whhhhaaaaaaaaaat?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Duo: most of us are gay, ya know. didn't ya notice?
Relena: Heero can't be homosexual....he's MINE!
Duo: will you shut up?! you have a fricken knife in your chest for God sakes!
Relena: but you hit my implant, it didn't do any internal damage...my poor implant...what did it ever do to you!?
Duo: *pulls out knife* gross, silicon on my beautiful collectors' knife!
Heero: what's that enscribed on your knife, Duo?
Duo: oh...*mumbles*my trademark
Quatre: inspects the 'trademark' awwww, it's a kawaii bunny with a sythe!
minna: O_O;;
Relena: hey, I'm still here
minna: *crowds around her* we've had enough of you, so ja ne!
*points weapons at Relena, and attack*
Duo: *stabs stomach*
Trowa: *shoots her in the leg*
Relena: owiee! Heero, kiss it and make it all better!
Wufei: are you gonna stand for that, Yuy?
Heero: hold on....* goes over to a bush and pukes*ewwww....kissing Relena!
minna: -_-;
Quatre: I've never really liked you, Relena.
Relena: *sniff* really?
Quatre: *throws teddy bear at her*
Relena: aw, how cute, Quatre!*catches bear*
bear:KABOOM!!!!
Relena: *sigh* first I get a bad hair du, my meeting went bad and they're gonna start another war, and now my love has been brainwashed by some gay freak claiming he's 'Shinigami'! this hasn't been a very good day for me!
Heero: *points gun at her* Omae o korosu, Relena Peacecraft
Relena:*smirks* you never seem to be able to pull the trigger
Heero: watch me
Relena: I know you love me, Heero-koi*-*
minna:-_-;;; she never will get it
Heero: *pulls Duo over, and proceeds to make out with him*
Wufei: damnit, Yuy! this is my last tissue! I gotta cut down on the salty french fries and greasy bacon, my blood pressure is way too high!
Relena: get off my Heero, you homosexual pervert!
Duo: mmmph mmf mmfmmph mfmmph!(translates: but I'm not doing anything!)*starts to suffocate from lack of breath*
Heero:*breaks kiss, wipes mouth off*you, me, and the handcuffs tonight, Duo!
Duo:*grins from ear to ear* you got it...koibito!
Wufei: seems we have to deal with a horny Yuy. anybody got a nice, cold bucket of ice water?
Quatre: I do!*pulls out a bucket from behind his back*
Trowa: hey, how'd you do that?
Quatre: I'll show you later^-*
Wufei: gimme that bucket
Quatre:*hands bucket and continues staring at Trowa*
Wufei:*tosses bucket at Heero, and it hits Relena*
Heero:*smirks* nice aim
Relena: brrrrrr.....now I'm cold and wet! the day get's worse!
Wufei: shut up, onna.*pulls out nun-chucks and hits her arm, breaking it*(a/n think evil brainwashedTamahome)
Relena: owowowowowowowowow!*cries out*
Heero: she is such a wimp
Relena: Heero killl meeee pleeeaaaasssseee!!!
Heero: hai
Gun: bang!
Relena: *falls to the ground dead(as a doornail hehe)* X_X
Duo: *singing*ding dong! the bitch is dead!
Trowa:*pulls out his own gun hidden underneath his hair and shoots Relena again* just had to make sure^-^
minna: *sigh* glad that's over with
Duo: now lets go home and celebrate!
Heero:*slumps against Duo* she's dead, no more nightmares, or stalking, and no more phones ringing while we're in the middle of...
Wufei and Quatre: Heero!
Heero: hehe, sorry. I forgot about the high blood pressure and sensitive ears-_-;
Duo: I get the gist^-*
Wufei: can we stop by the grocery store and stock up on kleenex's? I have a feeling that I'm going to need them-_-;
minna: hehe
END
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JT: it's kinda stupid, but we enjoyed writing it
JH: WE?!?! I wrote it all!
JT: well, I gave you ideas, so there
*our friend Quatrina pops in*
Quatrina: stop fighting, please!
*Quatre pops in*
Q: omg, you are acting just like me!
Quatrina: really?*blushes*
Q: you even blush like me!
JT and JH:-_-;;;;;GET OUT OF OUR FIC!
Q and Quatrina: ok ok, don't yell!
JH: now back to the argument, before we were so rudely interrupted...
JT: I deserve just as much credit as YOU!
JH: wanna bet?
JT: yeah!
JH: ok....*Duo and Trowa pop in*
D: I'm think JH should get more credit
JH*gets all starry eyed* yay! *glomps Duo*
D: I just love fans*grins* ^-^
T: well, I think JT should get a little more credit
JT:*ego rises* well, I see I have another vote...*smirk*
JH: so?!?
(and we go on and on and on)
D: go JH!
T: go JT!
*JH and JT stop fighting* catfight!
*JT waves her magic fanfic writer wand, and Duo and Trowa disappear*
JT: well, we've annoyed the readers long enough(if we still have anyone reading this)
JH: so we'll go away now, please R and R!
JH and JT: Ja ne!