~ May 2010 ~
Donnie stomped through the living room to the front door and slammed it so hard it rattled in its frame. He was fed up to the eyeballs with his stupid mother and her stupid apartment and her stupid car and stupid Harry and the stupid weekends. He hated her for ruining everything. He hated his stupid Dad too but Mom got the brunt of his anger and frustration. As she prepared to leave she'd said she loved him but he'd shown her his back as he walked away. He snorted and wondered why, if she loved him so much, she wrecked their family.
"Donnie? I think you owe your mother an apology." Gary Fuller called out to his son.
"No. I. Don't." Donnie spat.
"Don't take that tone with me Donnie. There's no call for it." Gary sighed and raked his hand through his hair. He cast a glance over to Trey who caught his eye and shrugged. Trey wasn't at the receiving end of his older brother's ire as often as Dad and Mom were, but he'd tasted it enough to feel sorry for his Dad. Thirteen year olds with attitude did not a pleasant evening make and Donnie was most definitely in a mood.
Gary picked up the glasses he and Kim had used and took them to the kitchen, looking longingly at the cupboard with a secreted bottle of scotch hiding in the back where the boys couldn't get at it. He heard Donnie's bedroom door slam and knew Trey was happily ensconced in front of the television so he poured himself a couple of fingers and plopped in a handful of ice.
He leaned against the sink and stared out the kitchen window taking a long, slow pull of the amber nectar. Things were going well for Kim and she'd be able to move home as soon as she tied up the loose ends of her apartment, probably in a week at the most. It should be a happy, optimistic night in the Fuller house but instead Gary and Trey had to walk on eggshells until his royal highness, King Donnie Doom, decided to be human again.
Donnie had been a sensitive child but that sensitivity turned into a brutal attitude when he entered puberty. Sure, things had been tense long before that; heavens knew that Kim tried her best but she hadn't always been the most present mother. She struggled with parenting; she struggled with marriage; hell, she struggled with everything to do with family.
Gary chastised himself for uncharitable and unfair thoughts about his eldest son. He knew why Donnie was the way he was and while he didn't blame him for it, it didn't make him a pleasure to live with. He massaged his temples and rubbed his eyes while he travelled down Memory Lane, stopping off at moments of happiness and of pain along the way.
Gary and Kim were high school sweethearts who started dating when she was a freshman and he was a junior. She was the most vivacious, sweet girl Gary had ever met and he was smitten before the first month of school was finished. They laughed and whispered and made moon eyes at each other for all of Gary's junior and senior years, scared that college would be the end of them.
They had an attempt at being mature and selfless, encouraging each other to date if they found they were too lonely while they were apart for months at a time. A few dates with others had strengthened their resolve that they were meant for each other; no one else held their interest, attraction or heart remotely close to what they had with each other.
Gary graduated with honors, receiving his Bachelor of Arts in English and was accepted into the Masters program. Kim had finished second year of university on her way to a Bachelor of Science and veterinary college. He was going to be an English professor and she was going to be a small animal vet. They lived on dreams, ambition and love; working hard to save for the upcoming school year. By the end of May 1996 their world veered off the plotted trajectory and hurled them into the unknown.
They had spent every minute of Spring Break together and were careless with protection. The chickens had come home to roost; Kim discovered she was pregnant and it threw everything into chaos. Gary created a flow chart of options and projected results making Kim smile through the fear at his odd approach to deciding their future. For a liberal arts major he was oddly analytical.
At the end of an exhausting weekend they had a workable plan. Kim would suspend her full time studies to work as long as she could, taking one course in the fall term. Gary would leave the masters program and write his teaching certification test so that he could begin teaching, albeit in a different environment, immediately. Over time he'd take courses towards his masters, Kim would finish her . and they'd eventually realize their career goals.
Their parents were supportive and if they were disappointed, they didn't let on or heap guilt on their children's heads. They helped plan and speedily execute a lovely small wedding which came off better than hoped. Kim and Gary Fuller may have taken a detour, but their new journey was unexpectedly wonderful.
They stayed up late fantasizing about the life they would provide for Glump, the glorious lump slowly growing in Kim's belly. Gary talked and sang and read poetry to Glump and made up stories of famous battles and scandals and kings and queens while Kim stroked his hair and smiled at the sentimental daddy-to-be who couldn't get enough of her and their Glump.
Gary teared up the first time he felt Donnie move and he openly wept when their son was born. He was completely, irrevocably in love with his beautiful, brave wife and his amazing baby boy. Kim had loved Gary for so long she never considered it would grow any further but she gained a profound new depth of feeling with his unflinching support during the delivery and the unvarnished baring of his soul to their child and to her. When she held Donnie in her arms she was transported to a new plane of existence where nothing would ever be the same. These two men were the most important thing in her life and she repeatedly told him that she was astonished by her luck in having them.
Gary knew she was tired after the delivery, hell he was tired so she must have been exhausted, so he took care of everything he could to ensure Kim was able to rest and recuperate. When they got home from the hospital their moms took turns helping out and he couldn't imagine what they would have done without them. Kim was bone tired for days which turned into weeks and Donnie's father and grandparents were concerned about her.
Kim was diagnosed with postpartum depression, struggling for months and unable to reclaim her energy or enthusiasm. She worked with her doctor, a therapist and tried a variety of medications, sometimes experiencing temporary improvements but nothing seemed to help her scale the wall to get back to her normal.
Long gone was Gary's focused, cheerful wife and in her stead was a hollow, numb facsimile. She was despondent and thought that she should probably be racked with guilt; she thought she was a terrible mother, a bad wife and a burden to her family but she felt ... nothing. She knew she should want to be a better mother/wife/daughter so went through the motions but the more she tried to do, the worse the rebound hit her.
She alternated between being a doting, caring Mom and a detached, listless woman incapable of engaging in the affectionate play her baby needed. She ached for Donnie and clung to that ache as if it were a lifeline because it was the only thing she was capable of feeling. She was a black hole where emotion, energy, interest and hope went to die.
Gary and The Grands, as they called the four grandparents, worked together to take care of Donnie, the apartment and Kim, their worry growing with each passing week. Kim and Gary continued prescribed therapies and experimented with a nutritionist and acupuncturist. It was a slow, frustrating slog but by Donnie's first birthday she felt human again.
They had become a happy family at last. She discovered the joy of being mother to an adorable, sensitive little boy. Gary was over the moon that she had recovered her essence and was Kim again. She was feeling so well she signed up for a third year online biology course and developed a passion for cooking, adding to the fullness of her days and nights.
Gary thrilled at the deepening bond between his wife and son. Little by little Donnie turned to his mother for comfort when he was hurt or upset. While he missed having a share of those sweet snuggles, he was delighted that Kim and Donnie were finally hitting their stride. He sought to please her at every turn; always sweet and responsive to his Momma. They enjoyed each other and that made Gary and The Grands want to jump for joy.
Laughter, affection and peace settled on their home. They went hiking, had picnics and played in the park regularly. Kim met other moms of toddlers at the local playground and even got to know her neighbours. She took an interest in every aspect of their home and life. She painted Donnie's room in a cheerful nautical pattern and surprised everyone when she brought home a dog.
"Gary, he was going to be put to sleep. He's such a good boy; just look at him." Her eyes were rounder and more pleading than the mutt who sat wagging his tail. She smiled that smile which laid Gary out every time. He wouldn't veto the pup but he knew she wanted him to be happy about it, not to just accept it. "The shelter called him Patches but I think James Herriot suits him better. Harry for short."
"Hmmm. You've been spending a lot of time at the animal shelter. I guess it was just a matter of time before someone stole your heart. So, this is the Fuller Furry Friend. Hello Harry." Gary let the canine sniff his fingers and guessed he met with approval when Dr. Herriot licked his fingers and leaned his head into Gary's palm for a scratch. "What kind of dog are you Harry? What does Kim think? Hmmm? She's the expert."
"Heinz 57. Looks like some border collie, spaniel, retriever and maybe a little aussie shepherd. I think he's perfect. They figure he's about 4 and had a good family at one point because he's well trained. He's such a good boy, aren't you Harry?" She grinned and wiggled her eyebrows at him.
Harry's tail wagged in circles and he sat waiting for her to say the magic word.
"Come." Kim said softly and Harry skittered across the laminate floor, unable to get to his new mistress fast enough. He bowled into her and sent her flying back on her bum. He administered canine first aid in the form of sloppy kisses and nose bumps.
As happy as the memories of Harry were, they brought a lump to Gary's throat. He was good therapy for Kim but he missed the furry mutt and couldn't wait for him to come home too. He raked his hand through his hair again and took another slow pull of the scotch.
Gary thought that year after Donnie's first birthday was perfect. He had a long term sub position and it was going well, his wife, son and dog were his greatest joy and their apartment was his favourite place on earth. Kim sprung all sorts of odd food on them and celebrated with champagne when she received an A in her biology course.
A few months after Donnie's first birthday Kim got sick. At first they thought it was the flu but it didn't go away. After a full week of dragging her butt around she went to the doctor and Dr. Jansson could have knocked her over with a feather: she was pregnant.
Emotions yo-yoed for both Kim and Gary. They looked at Donnie, the light of their life, and were excited for another baby. It would be a second chance for Kim to experience infancy, which she missed with Donnie, and it would be a sibling not too far apart in age – barely two years - for Donnie.
This would be her last pregnancy making it a bittersweet ending to her child bearing years: she'd be able to get on with her schooling without further interruption after the new baby was potty trained and yet she was sad to know she'd never have another announcement like the one from Dr. Jansson.
Gary shared all of her excitement and her sadness but he kept his real fears to himself. He'd seen Kim nearly drown in a black hole and almost lost her; he was terrified she'd fall down that hole again and she might not be able to get out. He wanted more children but not at the cost of his wife's mental health.
It was an easy pregnancy, much easier than with Donnie which wasn't a particularly difficult pregnancy. The morning sickness was brief and light; the aches and pains not as deep; the heartburn and hamster bladder not as severe. Kim relished every moment of her pregnancy, knowing it was her last.
She made a game with Donnie, telling him that the baby whispered stories for her to tell his big brother. She made Donnie laugh at the silly things his unborn brother wanted her to relay to him and he when he saw the ultra sound picture he decided his brother should be called Trey. He talked to Trey all the time, telling him about yucky brussel sprouts and the good doggy Hair-wee.
Gary and Kim were wrapped up in warmth and happiness at the sight and sound of their precocious, sensitive little boy already loving his baby brother. Donnie sang and chattered and rubbed Kim's belly, giggling when Trey began moving and kicking under his chubby little hands. He insisted his baby brother loved him and like to give him high fives through Mommy's tummy all the time.
Gary was writing an exam when Kim went into labour and he rushed to her side. It amazed them both how much quicker and easier Trey's birth was compared to Donnie's. Gary felt guilty about being glad men didn't have to endure childbirth and glad his wife was the hero in the family. That was the only negative feeling he had, everything in his life was better than his best dreams.
The Fullers were complete and they were a contented all American family. It was just like a 1950's picture perfect postcard. How did that old Smokey Robinson and the Miracles song go? A taste of honey is worse than none at all?
Gary gripped the edge of the sink, his strong features pulled together in a tight grimace. He stared out the window and fought against the memories of the day he returned home from his second day back to work to find Kim griping at Donnie and Trey crying in his bed, his little face red and angry. That day was the beginning of the end.