Perfection
Perfection- it is a simple ten-letter word. Perfection- it doesn't take more than a second to say. Perfection – it is a word that carries the weight of the world. Perfection – it leaves that sinking feeling in your stomach and the ache in your head. Perfection is me, Rachel Berry.
I am perfection. I have to be. Everyone expects it of me: my peers, Finn, Jesse, Puck, my teachers, my dads. I can't escape it. If they want me to be perfect, then that is what I will be. I tried so hard to be perfect for Finn. I had a detailed schedule and timeline of our entire relationship- but no, that wasn't good enough for him. I mean, what did he want? Spontaneous picnics on the field? I gave him structure and where did he go? To have a date with Santana and Brittany where they probably sat there and twirled their hair, discussing MAC'S newest revolution in lip-gloss. I would entice him in a conversation involving the current shows on Broadway, not how much mascara I should layer on tomorrow or what shade of blonde I should dye my hair next. I tried so hard to be everything he wanted and he didn't even care. How could he choose vapid and shallow over cultured and talented?
I don't even know where to start with Jesse and Puck. I know I wasn't really with Puck, but if he wanted to be with me for reasons other than my being a "fellow hot Jew", I know I would have been the perfect girlfriend for him. I helped him find the perfect ballad for a Glee assignment, and how did he pay me back? By dedicating it to Quinn.
With Jesse, I thought I had found my perfect match. He was as into performing and singing as I am, if not more. The first day we met we had a beautiful duet right in the middle of the music store. There was even a full orchestra playing. It was truly magical to say the least. I really did not think I would ever be happy again after Finn took my heart and played a game of baseball with it, smashing it into a million little pieces. Unfortunately, competition got in the way which led to him throwing an egg at my face, ruining my hairstyle that I spent hours perfecting, place each curl in exactly the right place.
I love being the star of Glee Club. I like having the others depend on me to always have the female solo. It is not that I don't love being the center of attention-because believe me, I do. Sometimes I feel as if I am the only one in Glee Club. I actually caught them lip singing one time! I wish one day, I could just show up and not have anything expected of me. That will never happen as long as I have to be perfect for them.
But I think the biggest reason for my constant need to be perfect is my mom. I just recently met her. Even though I never knew anything about her, he is exactly who I have been aspiring to be all my life. When I met her, it was as if I were meeting the adult version of myself. Although I do hope to be on Broadway at that age, not a music teacher. I thought she would meet me, see how perfect I was, and never want to leave me again. Sadly, much like almost all the relationships in my life (boys, friends), she did leave. I almost wished she hadn't come back into my life in the first place. Then I could go back to striving for perfection. Now I know perfection, or my idea of it, will never be good enough no matter how hard I try.