A/N: GS will come, but haven't had the chance to work on it yet. First a fluffy one-shot. There's no context at all, this is just a feel good fic. This takes place in season 2 and in this case, Orion actually showed up to the party a bit earlier. As such, the Intersect is out of Chuck's head. It starts out with some angst but I won't leave you hanging.
Different perspective this time, first person. I'm having a go at it. Hope I don't disappoint. Furthermore, I would like to direct all my readers to ShinyJayne20's awesome story: Redeeming Intentions. If you like my stuff, you'll love hers. No joke, it's actually ten times superior to my stuff. But for the love of all that is holy, leave reviews for her!
Disclaimer: Don't own Chuck. Wish I made a profit out of this but that would be illegal and I shirk from doing illegal stuff. *looks around, shifty eyed*
Chuck versus the New Year's Resolution
28 December, 2008
I step into the courtyard that's filled with memories and it feels like a relief to be able to feel my own memories, instead of the computer-generated ones that the Intersect provided for me for two and a half years. I still remember that fateful day, the day that my old friend screwed me over, put this burden on me. The day that my life was enriched by the most enigmatic woman that I've ever had the good fortune of knowing. The day that I irreversibly lost my heart to said woman. And from that point on had to live with the fact that whatever I felt for her, despite her actions sometimes telling me otherwise, would never be reciprocated.
I really hate my father.
Of course I'm deliriously happy that the Intersect is finally out of my life. It's what I've wanted the entire time that I was a faux-spy, thrust in a world that I knew nothing of. But somewhere along the line, my desires began to change. Well, it's not so much my desire to lead a normal life that changed. My desire just grew to encompass another person. And the moment that I would have a chance at a normal life, she would immediately be called back and sent on another mission. Because for Sarah, her own personal feelings don't come close to trumping orders. And I just know that somewhere, someone is pulling the strings of my life, all the while softly laughing to himself as he sees the misery that he continues to push me in.
To make it worse, said object of my affection is currently clinging to me like a barnacle. When I looked at her, earlier today, I was almost sure that I saw something akin to regret. Who knows? Maybe she too feels that it would've been better if I had the Intersect. If only because that would mean that she could stay here. Maybe she desperately clings to me because of what I represent. And maybe I'm just hoping beyond any reasonable hope that she'll decide that what I have to offer might just be enough for her. Even if I'm not good enough for her. And as much as it pains for me to admit it, at this point in time, her happiness trumps mine. It always will. And if I can get her to reconsider her job, get her to quit the business and live a normal life and start a family of her own, even if that one doesn't include me… then it'll still count as a win in my book.
We sit down on the fountain and more memories flood back. Almost every time we've been here, heartbreak would follow. Mostly for me. And deep down I hope that she too experienced the same agony that tore through my chest every time she would shoot me down. I see her shiver and give her my coat. She gratefully takes it and seems to revel in the warmth. And because it's the last time that I will see her, I have to ask. But I don't want to just drop it on her. I have to ease my way to it. "So," I start. It's always a great opener.
Sarah turns her head and eyes me amusedly. "So," she repeats and I can't help but think that the words sound so much better when spoken by her. But then again, I'm already painfully aware of how I feel with regards to her. I'm pretty sure that everyone is.
"It's finally over huh? We sure made a hell of a team."
She nods. "That we did."
"So what's next for you? Going to tour the world? Start kicking ass again? I'm sure you must look forward to doing that."
She shrugs. "It wasn't so bad here."
"Maybe so, but I mean, you were obviously born for this."
"I guess," she cryptically replies.
"You guess? Please. I've seen you kick ass without breaking a sweat… I've even…" I swallow hard. "I've even seen you kill people… unarmed people… to do your job."
She stares at me. "You saw that?" she asks in a near whisper.
I nod. "I couldn't let you fight him alone, Sarah. We've been over this. I will refuse to stay in a spot where it's safe when the people I love are in danger." I realize that I just told her that I love her, but really, I wasn't kidding anyone anyway. And what better moment than telling her on the day that she leaves?
She doesn't miss the implications of my words and I see her eyes widen, her lips tightening around the edges, about to tell me that what I'm saying is something I should keep to myself. How we can never… no, will never be anything.
And then she realizes that we're not asset and handler anymore and her face falls. She hangs her head in quiet resignation and I know that it's eating away at her. And it fills me with both elation and dread. So I move my hand and lay it on her shoulder. "It's okay," I whisper to her. I have no intention of tripping off the dozens of hidden microphones.
"No," she says. "It's not. We need to talk about this."
I shrug. "Not much to talk about. We both know what's going to happen. You've been drilling the procedure into my head these past two years. 'Once the Intersect is out of your head, and you have the life you've always dreamed off, you'll forget all about me.' It's quite hard to completely miss your implication."
She nods and looks away. The moonlight reflects over a lone tear that rolls down her cheek. I softly thumb it away and she burrows into my coat. "I never thought it would be this hard," she admits.
"That what would be this hard?"
"Picking up my life again after this mission. When I walked into that Buy More, I always thought that I'd be on the beaches of Cabo 48 hours after meeting you." She laughs, but there isn't much humor in it. "How wrong could I be?"
"What's changed?" I ask her. I know exactly what's changed, but despite the stab of pride, I want to hear her say it.
She doesn't respond, just looks forlornly. It takes a while, but finally she manages to say exactly what I had so yearned to hear. "You."
I look away from her face, not quite knowing what to say. The pride is still there, but at the same time, a cloud has pulled over me. Because Sarah is hurting and the worst part is, I can't do anything about it. Because I'm the reason that she is. "Maybe it would've been better for all of us if you had let me go into the bunker." I don't mean it. I love my life, my sister, her fiancée and Morgan. And her. But it would've definitely been better for Sarah. That much is obvious.
Which makes the punch to the arm all the more surprising. "Don't you ever say anything like that, ever again," she hisses.
"Okay, okay. I give, my fair lady. I give. It would've been a tragedy, had I been locked up."
She chuckles and the immediate crisis has been averted. But I know it's time. It's been leading up to this all along. "There's no way that I can change your mind, is there?"
She looks up and peers into my eyes. A small, watery smile breaks through and she strokes my cheek. "No," she admits. "There's nothing you can do." And she blinks, and as she does, the tears that she had so desperately tried to keep at bay proceed to fall. I reach to her, to try and take her anguish away from her, but I feel just as torn as she is and hasn't me reaching out to her been the root of the problem all along? My hand falls back to my side.
"I'm sorry I'm making this so hard for you."
And the smile becomes a bit brighter. "You're always trying to apologize for things that aren't your fault," she gently chides me. "Stop it. Self deprecation doesn't suit you." I shrug and she lets the topic rest. Her smile fades again as she studies me carefully, as if committing my face to memory. I know, because I'm pretty sure that's how I've been looking at her. "Do me one favor?"
"Anything."
She heaves a sigh. "Don't fall in the same funk. You're an amazing man, Chuck. You just don't see it yourself. It might be best if you forget me."
I look at her and I laugh the same humorless laugh that she had done moments earlier. "Please ask me something simpler. Like me straightening the tower of Pisa with my hands."
She nods, but doesn't say anything. And before I know it, she stands up and while she rises, my stomach plummets, because I know what comes next and despite telling myself that I was, I'm not ready for this. I'm not ready to say goodbye to her. I stand up and just like in Roan's house; I grab her wrist and turn her, before kissing her. I try my best to infuse all my feelings into that one action, but as I desperately seek her out, I feel that she's not in it the way I had hoped she would be, and I realize what's going to happen. I release her and look at her apologetically. "I'm sorry," I say. "I shouldn't have done that."
She looks at me with an expression I can't decipher. "You're right," she says. "You shouldn't have." That same inflection is the one she uses when she lets Agent Walker take control. My face falls and I feel her hand seek out mine and I know that it's time to pay the piper. "Goodbye, Chuck. Good luck in the rest of your life. I hope you find happiness."
"Goodbye Sarah," I reply and I only just manage to keep my voice from breaking. I was up against a job and I lost out to it, but despite that, I could never hate her for it. Would never hate her for it. It isn't her fault. I am the guy that chose to fall in love with a spy. I am well aware of the consequences. Or at least I think I was. But it still feels like a sledgehammer to the abdomen.
And she reads my face like she so often does and I can see a war waging on her own, safely hidden from the view of the cameras. And after what feels like hours, her face takes on a determined gaze and she hugs me. And I hold on to her, trying to provide whatever I can in the closing moments of the too short period of having Sarah Walker in my life.
But as I move to release her, I hear her whisper in my ear. "I will be back for you next year Chuck… I promise."
My eyes are big as she releases me and I will her to understand the question I'm asking. She notices and surreptitiously nods. My heart soars. I may not know when, I may not know how. But she has made a promise and if there's one thing that I've learned during the past few years, it's that Sarah never fails to deliver on one.
She releases my hands and begins to move away. She reaches the gate that releases her back into the wild and she looks back once more. "Sarah," I call out after her. "Stay safe." She nods and walks away leaving me alone. She still has my coat, but I don't care. I sit back down on the fountain and lower my head into my hands.
Goddamn courtyard.
31 December, 2008
Three days that felt like an eternity. It's been three days since I last heard of the woman named Sarah and it's hitting me… hard. She said she would be back, but how could she know? She was a spy. Any mission could be the last. For the millionth time, I curse myself for not telling her how much I loved her. I just said that she was a loved one. I forgot to tell her how much she meant to me. That if she said that the sun in fact rotated around our flat earth, I would believe it all. I would go out and preach just that if she wanted me to.
I grab the cheese puffs and sit in front of the television like a zombie. After all, I never promised her I wouldn't mope. And if moping is what it takes to get through the unnumbered amount of days then so be it. Ellie comes downstairs and clucks her tongue at me. "C'mon little brother. I get that it's tough on you, but she said that she would be back, didn't she?"
"I don't know," I reply truthfully. Yes, she said that she would come back, but it's a completely different matter on whether she actually will.
"Trust me, Chuck. She'll be back." She plops next to me on the couch and grabs a handful of cheese puffs. I quirk an eyebrow at her. "What?" she asks affronted. "They're pretty good."
I shrug and settle my gaze on the television again. She looks on her watch and stands up. "Well, my shift starts soon, so I guess I'd better get going. Can I expect to see you at the hospital so I can wish you a proper happy New Year?" she asks me. I just give a vague grunt. And even that hurts. Casey was a big part of my life as well and I am glad to call him a friend. Which makes his absence that much harder to deal with.
I can tell Ellie wants to knock some sense into me but she sighs and walks to the door. "If I don't see you tonight… Happy New Year, Chuck."
"Happy New Year Ellie," I reply and some of the warmth that had been absent creeps back into my voice. The door falls into the lock and I am left to my own devices. I press the mute button and revel in the silence.
I stand in the hospital, surrounded by three important people, Morgan, Ellie and Devon, and people who I have never seen before. The champagne flows and it goes down quite easily as I drink glass after glass. I holler along with the cheesy songs and manage to forget Sarah for a while. She's always in the back of my mind, but the alcohol helps me forget for a few moments. I wonder if she's celebrating as well. And then my stomach lurches and I run out of the room, finding my way to a bathroom and letting it all go. Worst New Years ever.
I wash out the disgusting taste and return to the party. Ellie immediately cuts me off and I don't have it in me to say no to her. The countdown comes and goes and I hug those close to me and wish them a happy New Year and they repeat the sentiments. And I know that it's going to be a great new year. I just don't know when it will start.
1 January, 2009
I wake up the day after, with a throbbing headache and I swallow a few aspirins. I look out the window and see a new tenant directing stuff into Casey's old apartment. I can't believe that the government got rid of it so quick. It'll feel weird to know that he's not right across from me anymore. That he won't come rushing to save me if I unleash one of my shrieks of terror. Then again, I highly doubt that there will be a lot of reasons for them now that the government is out of my life.
Still, that doesn't mean I can't be a good neighbor and say hello.
I walk out the door after getting dressed and walk right up to her. "Hi there," I say. "I'm Chuck and I'm your new neighbor. Welcome to the complex." And she turns around and I know that this year is going to be the best year of my life. She kept her promise.
She looks at me, and her face is expressionless. "Happy New Year, Chuck."
And just like that, she smiles the smile that she has reserved for me and in turn I smile my smile that I have reserved for her and we stand there, grinning at each other like two love-struck idiots. Which, I guess, we are. We stand rooted to the spot for what feels like hours, completely oblivious to our surroundings and then she moves, or I move, or we both move, or the planet Earth magically shrunk when I wasn't paying attention, but either way we end up in each other's arms and I smash my mouth against hers and it feels so great that I feel like I could die happy now. We kiss like we haven't seen each other in years and it holds not only the promise for something else, but the promise for something real.
"How? Why?" I ask when we finally release each other.
She smiles a shy smile. "I flew back to DC to hand in my resignation and sell my apartment. I realized that my life was… empty, without you. And I knew that I had pretty much ruined myself as a capable field agent. It was either taking up an analyst position or resign completely. And only one of those options had you in it. So I chose to resign. But that was something that I wanted to do on my own terms and in the mean time, keep it a surprise for you. I'm so, so sorry for making you hurt like that, sweetie. I wasn't thinking straight."
"Oh, we're doing endearments already?" I ask her with a teasing smile, already realizing that I don't even care about feeling like crap. Because she's here and she's in my arms and better yet, she's well and truly mine. And I'm planning on never relinquishing her, if she'll have me.
She shrugs. "I figured I'd give it a try. And you can't really blame me after two years of having to fake it."
"I don't blame you for anything baby," I say and the endearment rolls of the tongue so easily, it's like they were made for her. She notices and smiles at me before taking advantage of the situation and kissing me again. I can honestly say I don't mind one bit.
"So," she says in a playful tone as she releases me. "Do you have some New Year resolutions, Mr. Bartowski?"
As I look upon her in all her radiant beauty, her gorgeous smile, her eyes slightly squinted while waiting for my answer, only one New Year's Resolution comes to mind. "Yup," I reply to her. "I have the perfect one." What it is, I leave unsaid.
I'm going to propose to you.
A/N2: Happy New Year everyone. Have a fantastic 2012! If you liked this story, do leave a review.