I wrote this for Brandywine's picture challenge. And I posted it on lj awhile ago, and so I figured it was about time I put it up on here. Hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: Oh, I really don't own any of the characters.
Ryan remembered the Christmas that his father went away. That's how his mother always talked about it. He went away. He did not go to prison. He was not in jail for armed robbery. He was just away. Away implied that he would be coming back. Away was not a set amount of time, not a sentence, away could be anything. Away could be a few minutes, away could be a couple of days, or a couple of weeks, maybe even a few years.
Ryan was seven, and it had happened, his father had gone away, only a few weeks before Christmas. Trey told Ryan that they would probably cancel Christmas this year, and that their mother would not be up to buying presents or doing any celebrating of any kind. Not with their father away. Not that Christmas, or any holiday or celebration for that matter, was a big deal in the Atwood home. Usually Christmas was low-key, and usually Dawn and Dave drank through the afternoon and were passed out by the evening. But there were always a few presents under the tree, they were always awake to see the boys open their presents.
It wasn't a lot, but it was something, and Ryan wanted to hold on to that something.
So imagine their surprise when Dawn came in one afternoon dragging a tree in behind her. She gave the boys a tight-lipped smile, real smiles were too much to ask for, and asked them if they would like to help her decorate. Trey threw down the magazine he had been reading and stomped off to his room. Dawn looked after him with her bottom lip quivering, and Ryan quickly jumped off the couch and took her hand.
"I'll help Mom," he told her with a smile.
"Thanks kiddo," she said giving his hair a ruffle. "We'll make it the best tree ever."
That night, after the tree was up, Ryan snuck into the living room to take another peek at it, and found his mother lying on the ground, staring up into the branches. Ryan crawled over to her and touched her gently. Dawn startled, but then gave her son a small smile.
"Come lay with me?" She requested, and Ryan stretched out next to her and stared up into the tree with her. He squinted and the lights blurred together and he felt his mother take his small hand in hers and give it a squeeze.
If Ryan closed his eyes, he could still see the lights, blurred together under the tree. He could still feel his mother's hand in his. He could hear her humming her favorite Christmas carol, "What Child is This?"
If he tried hard, sometimes Ryan could close his eyes and remember feeling safe.
The first night that the Christmas tree was up in Newport, he could see its lights on from the pool house. Climbing out of bed, he crept across the patio and opened the door and went to sit under the tree, to stare up into its branches and feel home for just a second. To his surprise, there was already someone under the tree.
Kirsten's legs, clad in pink pajamas, stuck out from underneath the tree. It didn't seem as if she had heard him, and Ryan was about to sneak out and leave her alone when he turned and crashed into the coffee table with a resounding thud. Kirsten startled under the tree and slid herself out to see what had made the sound.
"Sorry," Ryan apologized putting the magazines that he had tipped off back onto the table. "I didn't think anyone would be up."
"It's okay," Kirsten said giving him a small smile. "Neither did I. What are you doing up?"
"I was just coming…I wanted to sit…" Ryan shook his head, and Kirsten gave him another warm smile.
"There's something about the tree lit up at night, right?" She turned and fingered one of the ornaments. "I used to do this all the time when I was little. Lie and stare into the lights. There's something soothing about it. My mom used to come and lay with me too." It was strange for Ryan to think that something that he and Dawn used to do, Kirsten and her mother used to do as well. Their mothers were worlds away from one another, and yet they had shared the same tradition. "I couldn't sleep, and I didn't want to wake up Sandy." Ryan moved towards the door again to give her some space.
"Well, I'll leave you alone then," he said softly.
"No," Kirsten replied shaking her head. She patted the floor next to her. "Join me?" Ryan glanced out at the dark pool house, and then to the floor next to Kirsten and finally shrugged and sat down next to her. Kirsten slid back under the tree, leaving only her legs once again sticking out.
"I love Christmas," she breathed. Ryan finally placed his head under the tree and stared up into the lights. Even Christmas lights were different in Newport than in Chino. The ones in Chino were old, and big, with muted colors. These were crystal clear, and it surprised Ryan that Kirsten would use colored lights. As if reading his mind, Kirsten replied, "I love the colors, don't you? We put the white lights outside, because my dad hates anything else, but I put up the colored lights on the tree."
"I like it," Ryan replied. "It reminds me of home." Once in awhile, her foster son would say something that threw her off guard, and this was one of those times. Kirsten wasn't sure how to proceed with that comment. After all, only earlier that day as they had brought in the tree, Ryan had commented about how terrible Christmases in Chino had been. This time it was Ryan's turn to read her mind, "They weren't all bad. Christmases? When we were little, they weren't bad. It was after my dad, well after he…" After all these years, Ryan still couldn't say the words, "…went away. That was when we stopped celebrating. Or, I guess my mom kept celebrating without us."
"I'm sorry Ryan," Kirsten said softly.
"You didn't do anything, why apologize?" Ryan asked turning his head so that he couldn't see Kirsten's face. Kirsten didn't say anything, and there was an awkward silence between the two.
"My Christmases, they weren't all great," Kirsten finally spoke up. "My dad used to travel a lot when I was little. He didn't travel as much when Hailey was born." There was a tinge of bitterness to Kirsten's voice. She remembered when she had something about it to her father he had explained to her that when she was little he was in the middle of building an empire.
"For you Kirsten, I was building the company for you," Caleb had told her exasperatedly. It didn't change the fact that he was around for Hailey in ways that he had never been around for his older daughter.
"He was gone some Christmases, and my mom, she would try to make it seem like it was okay that he was not there. That's when we would lie under the tree, and she would sing Christmas Carols, or we'd read The Night Before Christmas, but I could hear her crying on the phone to him. I would hear her yell at him for not being there for yet another holiday." She remembered her mother drinking too. Drinking when Caleb hadn't shown up again. She wondered if Ryan knew how alike they were. She understood all too well being let down by parents. Kirsten had adored her mother, but she was learning things as she got older. Things that she hadn't known about her mother, or if she had known, she hadn't understood.
"My dad, before he went away," Ryan said. "He would make a big pancake breakfast on Christmas morning. Pancakes the size of a plate." He turned back to face Kirsten again. She was right under a red light, and her face looked soft and understanding under the pale red light.
"Kirsten?" Sandy's sleepy voice interrupted them. Sandy had woken up to find the other side of the bed empty, and he knew his wife well enough to know where she had gone. He wasn't surprised to see her under the tree, but he was surprised to see Ryan there. "Ryan?"
"Hey honey," Kirsten said without moving. "Want to come under the tree with us?" Sandy chuckled softly and answered his wife by lying down next to her and slipping his hand in hers. "I didn't wake you up, did I?"
"Well, the lack of a warm body next to mine woke me up, but don't worry about it," Sandy assured her.
"I'm sorry still," Kirsten said leaning over and placing a soft kiss on his cheek.
"I never understood the appeal of this," Sandy admitted. "Ow, all the pine needles." He winced again as he felt another one dig into his body. "I'm going back to bed. I'll leave you masochists alone." He climbed out again. "Don't be too late coming back okay?" Kirsten nodded and Sandy gave her hand a squeeze before going back upstairs.
"I guess it's not for everyone," Kirsten said smiling. "Seth never wanted to lay with me either. He would always get too fidgety. He never could sit still." She gave a wistful smile remembering the first time that she asked Seth to come lie with her under the tree. He had lasted about four and half seconds before wiggling out from under the tree, and running off to play. "I'm glad that I have someone to share it with finally." Kirsten reached for his hand and gave it a squeeze.
Ryan felt a warm feeling creep over him. This was something that Kirsten had tried to share with her son, and he had wanted nothing to do with it. Tried to share with Sandy, who also wanted no part of it. It was something that was his and Kirsten's. He had been wary of his foster mother at first, and a little intimidated, but in the months that followed, he had begun to suspect that he and Kirsten were more alike than even him and Sandy, as much as Sandy would like to argue that point. She was fiercely loyal, and it was also becoming clear to him that he now fell into the group of people that she was protective over. It was hard for him to believe.
They laid there for a while longer, not talking, both just staring up into the branches. Ryan yawned finally, and Kirsten gave him a smile.
"You should go to bed."
"So should you."
"You're right," she said sliding herself out. She stood up and offered Ryan her hand. He climbed to his feet and she pulled her robe tighter around herself. Leaning in, she placed a soft kiss on his cheek. "Goodnight sweetie. Get some sleep." Ryan nodded.
"Goodnight Kirsten" he replied softly. She turned around and started towards the stairs. Pausing, she turned back.
"This was nice, we'll do it again?" Ryan nodded and Kirsten nodded and continued back up to bed.