#1 Crush
By FireInTheAttic
Rating: T
Disclaimer: Well, as you may have already suspected, I am not the genius that is Matsuri Hino. Therefore, I do not own Zero, or anyone else in the Vampire Knight universe, much as I wish I did... That would be freakin' SWEET. I don't own the band Garbage either in case you were wondering.
Warnings: Nothing much to say here... Just beware if you happen not to like Garbage. This is Zero based, so if you're reading this, angst must not bother you enough for me to have to mention it here.
A/N: Hey, hey! Look who wrote a song-fic! This song seemed just too perfect for Zero not to warrant a little love, so here we are (even though it is astoundingly short). Is anyone else in love with Romeo + Juliet? Yes, I do mean the Claire Danes x Leonardo DiCaprio movie. That might have been the first time I ever heard Radiohead, in that film. I owe it a lot haha!
Enjoy!
'I would die for you,
I would die for you,
I've been dying just to feel you by my side,
To know that you're mine.'
He made sure not to make a single noise as he gripped the brass handle of the door before him, swallowing as he gazed down at his knuckles, white with the force of which he gripped it, his heart pounding loudly in his ears.
He was conscious of how fiercely it was beating. He was concerned that its apparent loudness would give away his intrusion. His palm was slick on the handle. He pushed it downwards slowly, heartbeat accelerating all the more while he winced at the protesting groan of the metal as he twisted it.
The door unlatched with a click.
He held his breath.
And pushed.
'I will cry for you,
I will cry for you,
I will wash away your pain with all my tears,
And drown your fear.'
He could barely see inside the room, the thick curtains had been drawn, blocking out any moonlight that would've aided him in his quest. The light coming from down the hallway which he stood in was dim, it only cast a faint glow through the open crack in the door that he peered through, illuminating only a strip of dark carpet and the little square cupboard that separated the twin beds inhabiting the room.
He dared not open the door any farther, instead tilting his body to slip through the gap with ease, mouth dry with nerves.
He was doing something he shouldn't be. He didn't care. Didn't even care if she woke up. He wanted her to know how much he would give for her. He was scared of her finding out, the fear excited him. If only she knew how many tears he would shed for her if it meant she could be truly happy for just a moment – him who had sworn never to cry again after his parents' murder. If only she realized how many rivers he would cry her if it meant she would be free from the torment of her lost memories. He knew they pained her. Her pain was his pain. But if his pain was her freedom, he would gladly put himself through hell...
'I will pray for you,
I will pray for you,
I will sell my soul for something pure and true,
For someone like you.'
...And whatever hell he was faced with would be a small price to pay.
She was an angel trapped in a bird's cage. The cage may have been made of silver and gold and filled with everything she might ever need, but it was still a cage. He wanted her to spread her wings. She deserved to spread her wings.
What he did tonight mattered very little in the grand scheme of things.
As tainted and spoiled a creature as he was, he could not end his life without knowing what it was to touch heaven for just a brief moment in time, just feel the heat of it on his skin once, not have to settle for the teasing warmth he basked in every time she smiled. That was no longer enough. He wanted to feel her purity, her radiance, her goodness burn him, scar him so deeply that he could take those scars with him to whatever awaited him after he pulled the trigger.
He knew time was running out for him. This was what she could give him, even if she was never to know a thing of it. He moved deeper into the darkened room. His eyes adjusting to dark.
He could see now.
He could look.
He was afraid of looking.
He looked anyway.
Oh... Oh... There she was.
Oh, there she was.
She was beautiful.
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
Beautiful.
'See your face every place that I walk in,
Hear your voice every time that I'm talking,
You will believe in me,
And I will never be ignored.'
There she was. Shrouded with night and so hauntingly beautiful that it physically hurt him to look at her.
She lay with her face turned half away from him, dark hair sprawled about her lovely, delicate features, mapping the pillow beneath her head with the fine strands of chocolate satin. Her red lips were slightly parted, relaxed in sleep against the pale of her skin. Her eyes were closed, long lashes fanned out over her cheekbones in a loving caress.
She was painful to watch.
This would be the last time he saw her. She was god-sent, and he was a monster born of Satan. They were not bound for the same place.
Every fibre of his body ached from the vision of perfection she made. He stood there in silence, just a ghost of silver, white and purple that haunted the room, and his angel remained oblivious. No... not his angel. Not his.
He wanted to engrave the picture of her onto his mind. He wanted this to be the last image in his head after the lights turned out for him.
He hoped she wouldn't be the one to find him.
She thought she needed him still. Maybe she did, but not in the way he needed her. She would mourn his death, yes. He was her 'little big brother', after all... But she would move on, and he would want her to. But he knew that were he to lose her, he would not recover. It would spell the end for him. That was where they differed. As long as he knew that he would never be someone she truly needed, he had no purpose hanging around. It was best to throw in the towel before he wound up hurting her more deeply than she could heal from, and that would be the inevitable if he remained.
She was the only one who had managed to touch his heart, thaw it out from the ice he had encased it in for safe keeping. She had trusted him and believed in him. She was all he needed. It didn't matter what anyone else thought of him, while her eyes were there, warm and watching him, she was the only one he wanted to be seen by.
She did not think similarly. He was not the only one in her vision.
'I will burn for you,
Feel pain for you,
I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart,
And tear it apart.'
He stood there at the side of her bed for a long time. Hours maybe. He didn't keep track of the time, just looked at her. Looked and looked until he could see her on the back of his eyelids every time he remembered to blink.
It was the middle of winter and there was still no light out by the time early morning came around. If he had his way, he would've wanted to stay and watch until the rays of sunlight were strong enough to penetrate the thick curtains and light up her angel's face, watch her stir in her bed as the light disturbed her dreaming state, but his time was drawing to a close.
He was aware of the hands on her pink alarm clock ticking closer and closer to the time it was set to go off, starting yet another school day. It hurt so much... more than the blood-lust howling in his throat, more than the deep emotional scars of four years ago, it hurt so much to know that the one person on the planet who could save him, would never have the chance. He would not be saved. It was not in the cards for him.
The time to burn was now. He stepped closer to her bed.
'I will lie for you,
I can steal for you,
I will crawl on hands and knees until you see,
That you're just like me.'
The mattress springs creaked as he placed one knee up on the edge of the bed, his right hand finding its place on her pillow above her shoulder, careful not to disrupt her or accidentally hurt her. Slowly, gradually, he crawled over her on the bed. She remained asleep. Beautiful and oblivious.
She was happy in her dreams. He did not expect to feature in her dreams.
He was on all fours above her, staring down through the curtain of silver that obstructed his vision. His heart beat louder, louder, louder. He had to know... He had to catch a glimpse of the heaven that was her. Once. Before the end.
He breathed through his mouth.
The time to burn was now. The time to take with him what he could was now.
Her hair was brushed away from her neck. Oh, how he longed to...
He wrenched himself away from the thought. It would be over soon. The only girl in the world. He would run from her soon. The only girl he could love. The only girl he had loved, and would love into whatever lay beyond. He would spare her his love soon. It could only hurt her in the end. This was the only way to stop his love from hurting her, killing them both. He would do it himself. Soon.
He paused for a moment, gave her the chance to open her eyes, to see him. He gave her the chance to stare him in the face and finally see how he loved her.
She did not open her eyes.
'Violate all the love that I'm missing,
Throw away all the pain that I'm living,
You will believe in me,
And I will never be ignored.'
She had believed in him. She had been the only one who really had. Completely and utterly.
She believed in him... He thanked her silently for that, for everything. Her belief had been his everything.
He could feel her warmth against his skin.
"Tick-tock!" said the clock. Time was wearing thin.
Her red lips were slightly parted.
He bent his head, his eyes stayed open. He would keep her image in his mind until the very end. To look away was to die in vain.
He bent his head.
His heart was loud. His breathing was quick.
He bent his head.
He kissed her mouth.
Soft, sweet.
He conveyed his loved. He never spoke the words.
He burned in the fire of her purity.
Burned permanent scars onto his heart. He would take them with him.
Heaven was so magical that he almost wept.
Tears of joy and sorrow combined.
'I would die for you,
I would kill for you,
I will steal for you,
I'd do time for you.'
A sudden, shocked voice forced him back, off the bed. The room-mate. No, no, no, no, no.
'I would wait for you,
I'd make room for you,
I'd sink ships for you,
To be close to you.'
He fled the room, moved out of the door and down the hall nearly running. He shut his eyes, kept that image of her in the forefront of his mind, listened to his pulse thump-thump-thump.
He had gotten what he came for.
He prayed that the room-mate did not wake her. Prayed that he had time to get away from her before he ended it.
She had believed in him.
She could have saved him.
But he was not her burden to bear.
He could not make her happy.
His days had been numbered from the beginning.
He would not stay. He had to leave. She would get over it. She was in love already... he had known that.
He had made it into his room, back in his own dorm. The whole building was asleep, but the gunshot would wake them. He would be far, far away by the time they broke his locked down and discovered his body.
It would be over soon, he had gotten the last thing he needed.
'To be a part of you,
'Cause I believe in you,
I believe in you,
I would die for you.'
He had never been one for believing... but now, he prayed.
He prayed that those were not bare footsteps he had heard behind him and he prayed that those were not small fists beating on his door so desperately.
He prayed that it was not her voice screaming his name more frantically than he had ever heard before.
He prayed that she would not be the one to find him.
.
.
A/N: Well... how was that for angst? Let me know what you thought and I'll love you forever!
P.S.
Chapter 1 of Recorded Butterflies in under way, along with another oneshot which is much longer than this. Look forward to both!
FireInTheAttic xxx