Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
A/N: Crack, everyone needs moar crack. Heck, this fiction doesn't have enough crack.
Ahoy!
By: SleepyDreamGirl
"Dry land, five kilometers ahead!"
One blonde and one brunette glanced at the other with the unmistakable glint of mischief hidden in their eyes. It has been four agonizing, overdue months since they last spotted land and man, were they dying to step on stable, solid ground as were the rest of their crewmates. Their captain had caught on their intentions even before they were imprinted so clearly on their faces that were now sporting maniacal grins as they hooted and hollered about the deck. But he's long resigned himself and the rest of his crew to the fate that lay ahead, opting instead to return to his nap before he was so crudely disturbed.
"Dry land, mates! We've spotted dry land! Get your asses up and rejoice!"
Grumbles, groans and mumbles floated about, forcing the two walking catastrophes to take to extreme measures. Hauling a bucket of fresh seawater each, they kicked open the doors to their bunks and-
"Holy shit, you so did not do that."
Sparkling baby blue eyes was face to face with twitching lilac orbs with little veins sprinkled all over, gorgeously silky long hair now damp and icky with a nice little seaweed for some decoration to boot. The blonde grinned his Cheshire grin before he ran, really ran for his dear life while yelling his whole way, effectively awaking even the deepest of sleepers who threw his alarm at the brunette who was caught off guard after doubling over in laughter at his partner-in-crime's antics. He rubbed his aching head, snarled at the culprit and decreed impending doom upon them.
"Fellows, you know what this means," the brunette picked up a stray pillow. "This means war."
Outside, up in the crow's nest, their captain frowned as he jerked awake to the muffled screams of a blonde being mutilated. He squinted, frowned again just for good measure and made sure he's had a big, hearty yawn before he leapt down from his favorite spot and calmly walked over to where one of his best crew members was currently trying to maim the blonde. He arched a brow, plain and simple, but that was not enough to stop the only member of his crew with soft, chocolate hair that flowed with the wind. Hang on, he seemed to be-
"Captain! Holy captain, get this nut case off my back- OH MY GOD, HE'S TRYING TO DISMEMBER MY MATE."
Before he could retort or even react, the doors to the bunks slammed open and out came speeding the brunette who was hollering at the top of his lungs, seething crew members behind him, after his throat. The captain closed his eyes in a desperate attempt to throw himself into denial, that he was not stuck with this psychotic crew, but that was sadly to no avail as the hysteric screams and yells that tore through the air resounded even more loudly when he did so.
He shook his head, feeling sorry for himself before remembering he had a task to lead.
"If you guys don't calm the hell down this instant, everyone's going without ration for a week." Wow, that did the trick. The blonde settled unhappily, looking forlorn as he rubbed and petted his stomach in response. The captain sighed inwardly, but just as he opened his mouth, a pillow hit him square in the face and the cackles of one brunette reached his ears.
"Lighten up captain. Surely it wouldn't kill you!"
Said captain did nothing except walk over to the brunette (who was still laughing his head off), grab the dog that never failed to lie on his head and promptly threw the offending object into the raging blue sea.
The brunette stared in a trance-like, zombie state before he slowly raised his arms over his queerly empty crown, patting all over his horrifyingly wild hair without any trace of his beloved mutt before unleashing a chilling, high-pitched screech unbeknownst to mankind, or at least to his crew mates.
"AKAMARU! What have you," he jabbed an accusing finger at his captain, "done to my Akamaru? This is manslaughter, this is murder, this is ANIMAL CRUELTY if you don't know it! How could you ever," the brunette bit back a sob, "be as cruel or heartless as to throw a living puppy in this monstrous sea? You!" he whimpered, "You are not human! Return my innocence to me, return my one and only! RETURN MY AKAMARU TO ME YOU EVIL DARTH VARDER IN DISGUISE!"
While the brunette turned into a wailing mess and turned upon his blonde friend for comfort, their captain tried to maintain his composure by breathing out and rubbing his temples in circles. Idiots, you can't deal with them in the usual manner, he reminded himself.
He cleared his throat to announce loud and clear, unwilling to repeat himself.
"That damned mutt-"
"Akamaru! Have some respect god damn it, he has a name!"
"Of yours," the captain had his arms folded, unperturbed, "is nothing but a-"
"Captain! Think before you act! You don't want calamity to fall upon us, you don't want Karma to get his hands on you!" the blonde had his hands clamped tightly over the brunette's ears, muttering "Hear no evil little one, you shall hear no evil for you deserve no evil!" repeatedly like a charm. The blonde has his eyes shut tight for added effect, like he wanted to see no evil nor hear the evil trickling out of his captain's foul, foul mouth. It was not quite effective for the next moment had their captain striding towards them in long, purposeful steps only saved for grand occasions, so it was no surprise the rest of the crew were widening their eyes with mouths agape as they witnessed the scene unfurling before them.
He gently pried the blonde's hands away (and he even shot a heartwarming smile that made his knees go weak!) and placed his own hands on the brunette's shaking shoulders, causing the latter to shoot his head up in surprise. The captain leaned in, tickling the hairs on the brunette's nape with his warm breath as he whispered in a sultry voice, right before his ear.
"Akamaru is nothing but an inanimate object you refuse to admit you hug like a baby. It is nothing but a stuffed toy you idiot."
And with that, he stood and shoved his hands into his pockets, walking back to his podium and never looking back as the blonde skidded back to the brunette to break his fall as he fell unconscious, knocked out, and started to hurl profanities at their captain for "Not owning the slightest bit of humanity nor red blood!" and clutched the brunette, rocking back and forth like the tragic Romeo and Juliet in a play.
The captain gave the duo a dirty glare as he took his place on the podium, eyes set hard and mouth in a grimace. "Fellows," his voice boomed, "Dry land has been spotted. You know what to do."
Begrudging grunts rose in the chilly air to acknowledge their captain, before all hell broke loose with one single yell.
"But I swear there had to be a better way to wake us at three in the godforsaken morning!"
The captain, shoulders drooped, gave up fighting for fun, peace and laughter like the crew he had once envisioned would fight for as he retreated to his crow's nest, not that eager to actively participate in the one-sided pillow and seawater war that had erupted below as the blonde ran around using the brunette as a shield, yelping an apology for when the latter comes to his senses, soaked to the bone.
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When Kiba won the fight against his heavy eyelids, he was positive he'd die a miserable death caused by pneumonia. He was shivering and shaking against his better judgment like the little matchstick girl. But he felt strangely foreign and out of place and only found out why when he took in his surroundings. He was no longer on the rocking, swaying ship but was instead…
"Narutard you imbecile, we've finally reached dry land! My wriggly toes, they can feel the wriggly sand!"
A few meters away, said imbecile didn't bother to correct him by exclaiming he had a proper name or that sand did not wriggle. He was already a good three or so kilometers away before Kiba realized two major matters. One, he could faintly remember being used as a human shield as buckets and buckets of seawater were poured relentlessly over him and two, he tilted his head left and right and up and down, he felt light-headed and could not for the life of him figure where his trustworthy companion went.
Not a second later saw him scrambling to his feet as he sprinted after the obnoxious blonde screaming "Bloody murder!" as details flooded his mind, whipping out his ultimate weapon (which happened to be a deathly double barrel water gun) and pumping his ammo at anyone who dared stand in his way.
Shikamaru decided to aptly ignore and erase their existences from his memory before proceeding to prepare his crew for their usual routine. "All right you asses, bright daylight's shining and weather's good so I expect wood and edibles to be gathered by the time sun's high and up. Camp is to be set with whatever materials we have on hand, or at least find in this empty island. Split yourselves and get cracking to work."
"But sir!"
The captain turned around, irritation clear as day as he eyed that tantalizing spot under one tall, colossal coconut tree with impatience.
"Don't you think we should run five hundred laps around this brilliant island to showcase our youthfulness before that? It's such a wondrous day to be training our dorsal flexors and sweat our youth as one!"
"Brilliant idea, Lee," the flat tone did not go unnoticed by the rest, "Why don't you asses do just that? But the deadline remains; I want all firewood and rations gathered by noon. Now if you'd excuse me," their captain almost spat, "I'd like to take my much-needed rest." And maybe devise a strategy or two hundred to get the psychotic duo off my back, he thought silently, eyes trailing over the stray footprints marked all over the once untainted beach before salty coldness hit his face, followed by a most unapologetic yell of "Sorry, wrong target!"
"Roger!" the beautiful green beast saluted to his captain, thrilled to run his laps with his youthful companions (who were groaning but didn't resist for they didn't want to stay near their captain who had all but cracked as he ripped his shirt off in a display of madness and endeavored, most positively swore, to bath the psychotic duo in their own sweet-smelling blood the moment he got his hands on them).
The disgruntled, minus Lee, crew members set off in a half-jog, half-walk with the spandex-clad beast in the lead, humming a joyous tone and ever ignorant to the fact that his companions were disappearing behind him, one by one, as they sneaked off into the jungle. Oh no, it was a pretty day and the birds were chirping and the sun was peeking and all was well. Lee beamed, mentally adding another five hundred laps to his workout as he increased his inhumane jog.
Neji had been the first to deviate, close to tearing off someone's throat as he scanned the area like a desperate caveman in dire need of fresh and clean water to restore his silky hair. He frowned and glared daggers at a nondescript tree as he combed and disentangled the knots in his now icky hair, picking out strands of seaweed (was that a starfish?) and throwing them against the jungle floor irately. That was when he caught a movement from the corner of the eye and ceased his ministrations to peer queerly at the seaweed he's just threw.
For the longest minute he froze in his spot, unwilling to move in an unseemly battle with seaweed before he caught himself ("No, I wasn't trying to prove my ability to act the part of an ice block more than seaweed ever could.") and returned to ridding the unmentionable substances in his hair with a vengeance before the damned things rustled again.
This time, he was smart enough not to wait and instead, grabbed a random stick to poke at the pieces of seaweed and literally jumped out of his skin when a squeak sounded in return. Seaweed did not squeak or make any noise for that matter, as far as Neji (thought he) knew. His heart was thumping wildly as he rounded on the seaweed, reminding himself he was a mighty man of the sea who did not let mere talking seaweed override his common knowledge or rational sense when they were all stuck on an unknown island which may very well be bursting full of anomalies-
The snuffling squirrel never had the chance to meet the owner of the girly shriek by the time it managed to poke its head from the mess of seaweed it was stuck under.
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He's always been a man of few questions for he was trained in the art of answering himself. There was little that could tackle his store of vast knowledge or methodical facts picked from his surroundings. It made little sense, therefore, to question the sinful god that stood before him, clad in nothing less than what you'd expect from a sinful god. The god himself didn't even notice Shino's presence before he spun around with a hypnotizing sway of his hips.
"Who dares?" he had snarled like he owned the universe (maybe more), to which Shino pushed the rim of his sliding glasses up his nose, never one to step down from a challenge when shoved so eagerly into his face.
"You're wearing a watermelon bra and a bamboo skirt. Why? Because…"
The omnipotent god merely folded his arms and waited, unexpectedly patient and unabashed about his choice of outfit.
"Because…" Shino crinkled his brows. The answer he felt was at the tip of his tongue had dissolved without so much as a warning and perhaps for once in his life, he could not answer his own rhetorical question. This could not be true.
"Because…" he attempted again, trying to force the answer he knew had to be embedded into his system from sheer vocal memory. When nothing came forth and the god before him clucked in a condescending tone, Shino stood in silence. The next action he took caught not only the god off guard, but also made for sickening plops as jungle birds fell from their perch on the many branches.
"No way." The pompous god held his hands over his broad chest, lying on the curve of the watermelon shell. "You…"
Right hand clutched tightly to a pair of round glasses, Shino used the other to pick out a handkerchief and cleaned his prized possession with the grace of a ballerina. The sun was bright, though fortunately majority was hidden by the humongous leaves that served as their roof. He squinted, trying to adjust.
The raven god almost buckled beneath his weight for his knees had turned to jelly. A searing red shot through his face, but of course that could be due to anything -the sun's godforsaken UV rays, mosquito bites, or hell, frustration- but never in a million years would he admit he was blushing at the sight of the most gorgeous man he'd seen to date.
Oh yes, Aburame Shino had one hell of a handsome face. That's exactly why (was he grumbling?) he'd never taken his glasses off, lest… He sighed. Too late. There goes another one… he brooded as hearts jumped from obsidian orbs and unmanly bursts of squeals erupted from the god.
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"…what's that hanging off your back?"
The blonde and brunette had long ceased their little game of tag ("Watch it mutt-boy, that's my beautiful ass you're trying to bite off!") after Naruto had all but farted right in Kiba's face and caused him to writhe in what was history's worst tempest ("Oh my baby nose, I can never smell all the roses and sunflowers and pretty things in the world ever again! What's my Akamaru going to do- AKAMARU, OH NO, YOU COLD-BLOODED PIRATE!" "…Kiba, that's the point, pirates are supposed to be cold-blooded."), after which their captain left them scarred for life ("Naruto, Kiba," he purred, complete with batting breathtakingly long eyelashes, "C'mere," before proceeding with scenes that mommies warn their children to stay away from and daddies gag upon) and they were currently curling themselves into non-existent balls like they were competing to see who could disappear into nothing before the other.
Their captain had raised the question at the unsightly black fur ball hanging off Shino's back, who, incidentally, was the first to return. Empty-handed, save the extraterrestrial that's hanging on like a leech, Shikamaru noted with a scowl.
Fur ball in question had growled upon sensing the captain's discontent, alerting Shikamaru to the fact it was not in fact an animal but an authentic human (manliest of the man) dressed in a watermelon bra and a bamboo skirt. Sweet.
"You're in a foul mood," Shino had his glasses back, pointedly ignoring the captain's question. "Why? Because everything's not going as you've planned."
Shikamaru's eyes did not bulge out of their sockets (though the blonde's and brunette's did as soon as they noticed the new presences) when the fur ball ("God," the raven was ready to kill) climbed down from Shino's back, albeit reluctantly, and stood in all his watermelon-bamboo glory. He flicked his charcoal black locks behind him and Naruto and Kiba seemed ready to drool ("Eww mutt-face, are you drooling?" "Shut it blondie, you're close to shitting yourself!") and throw themselves upon his royal feet.
"Who the hell are you?"
The raven god twitched. No one, not even his perverted, one-eyed father had the audacity to talk down to him like this insufferable, spiky-haired pest did. Oh no, Shikamaru shot a glance towards the infatuated blonde and brunette, he did not stand for seduction administered to his crew unless administered by yours truly. He was thankful Shino, first of the bunch, had close to zero testosterone.
"Like you have the authority to question the one reigning this island."
Shikamaru whistled, grinning like a feral predator.
"So you're the one."
The god will never (over his deathbed, garden yard, hell in heaven) allow himself to acknowledge the chill that ran up his spine as he glared back just as testily.
"What's it to you?"
Shikamaru shot him a furtive glance.
"It's everything to me."
But the raven god remained as impassive as ever and the captain could only narrow his eyes in frustration. There's no one I can't seduce, and you're not going to be any different.
It was at this inopportune moment that the blonde, who had been standing in exceptional silence by the sideline, decided to intervene.
"Take off your bra!" he blurted.
Eyes were widened, brows were shot and one captain could be seen smacking his head against his palm. The brunette didn't appreciate being thrown out of the circle, so he joined in with a chant.
"Take off your bra! Take off your bra!"
The god stared at them incredulously before he realized they were every bit serious (as serious as drunken men could be) before he spat, "I don't strip for the filthy likes of pirates like you."
"Oh, so who do you strip for?"
He wasn't expecting the blonde to use his words against him.
"I was speaking figurative-"
"Excuses!" Naruto singed.
The raven god growled and had the blonde by his throat in a flash of lightning.
"Feisty," Naruto winked, unshaken in the least.
The brunette, meanwhile, had settled comfortably on the blanket of sand and was chewing thoughtfully on some popcorn as he watched his partner-in-crime being chased by a sexy god, cheering him on with eruptions of "Riotous, blondie! Keep him going!" as he gleefully noted the bra that was slipping with every step the raven ran.
And when Naruto patted his ass teasingly, the god decided it was the last straw and leapt at him with all he had, tumbling into a mess of sand, skin, hair and-
Shikamaru saw red, Shino turned away politely and Kiba whined.
"Captain! I've just finished my thousandth lap, but our youthful companions seem to have… Naruto-kun! I thought you had better manners than to- than to commit this atrocity to a young lady!"
Naruto cracked the widest grin ever and Shikamaru didn't know which mattered more- correcting Lee ("Then I guess it wouldn't hurt to kick her in the groin?") or throwing the spluttering god into the fins of man-eating sharks.
"Get off me!"
"I'll swallow my pride and admit, you have a sexier ass than me."
"Urgh! You've got to be the most obnoxious dumbass I've ever met."
"Bastard!" Naruto leapt to his feet. "I was giving you a compliment, but I guess you're too stupid to figure it out. I have the sexiest ass around and they can all prove it!" he jerked his finger in the direction of his appalled crew.
Shikamaru, once he got over his shock, stood up to the challenge.
"You don't know what you're missing out on," he uttered sensually, coping a feel on the blonde's ass (to which he'd burst into strings of incoherency because, of course, the captain only did this for show).
"Madness. You lot are a psychotic bunch." The god was unwilling to face the nasty green welling up before his eyes.
"Says the one in a watermelon bra and bamboo skirt." Kiba couldn't help but comment.
"I'm sexy. It's common knowledge."
"What a narcissistic bastard!"
"Better than a loudmouthed dumbass."
Naruto growled, trying to shove Kiba off (who had leapt in to keep the blonde in check even while howling in laughter) and shooting death glares at the god who had the gall to smirk at him.
"Is your mouth only capable of spewing insults?"
"I assure you, my mouth is capable of things far beyond your pathetic imagination."
Naruto gawked, not bothering to hide his puffed cheeks that were tinted with the most pleasant shade of pink.
"Oh? Let's see you prove it then."
When he was faced with nothing but a stony glare, Naruto knew he'd won.
"Big words, no action. Should've known better!"
He was neither prepared for the squeak he'd emit nor the wolf whistles (and grunts of vexation) that clouded his hearing as he was slammed into a tree with such force and vigour, he was positive his spine had broken into two. He tried to open his mouth to protest but the god merely took that chance to delve in and, Naruto would describe in detail later, molest his inner workings with that sinful tongue of his.
When they parted and Naruto was reduced to nothing but a twitching pile of orange goo, the god smirked.
"You were saying?"
Lee fainted and Kiba was in the background, cursing Naruto for taking away the tasty bits.
Shino would remember this day for an eternity as he eyed the trembling fists of his captain in mild amusement.
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A/N: Abrupt ending because I don't want this to turn lengthy. I'm not even sure if I should continue but I'll leave it as a one-shot for now. At least until the crack returns and I've the urge to write more pirate!Naruto. Reviews are much appreciated! (They spur me on. My inspiration, really.)